Teens and "Learning" to Drive.

I've read it's very common this generation is not so interested in learning to drive. I don't get it. I couldn't wait. And I got my license at 16. Some states were 17. So I don't think it's so much age but I've read kids have gotten used to be driven. One article quoted a girl saying it's much easier to have her father drive her so she can text with her friends. So I would try to get a sense of she's scared or just happy being driven bc you and her father take her whenever needed. So why bother to learn? If she scared, I'd take it slow. And do people still use professional teachers? That might be a good idea. If you think it's just bc it's easier on her to be driven, I would start cutting back on driving her places. Get her motivation up. I'd do it subtly though. I wouldn't want to rush her too much and then she's not prepared and has an accident.

Not all kids are ready or even want to drive at 16. I don't think it has anything to do with self esteem, I think it's just intimidating for some (as it should be, driving a vehicle is a big responsibility!)
I would just back off for now. Once she sees most of her friends are driving she will likely want to as well.
And "close calls" are part of learning to drive. I've been through this process three times with three very different kids and it was always stressful!

If she's not noticing things that alone is reason to pull back from lessons. Driving is very serious but at 16 is it that important to learn? If so, for who? She's simply not ready. Maybe help her with self-encouragement and self esteem issues by keeping her occupied w more productive programs like Girl Scouts and school activities geared for girls???? That seems far more important to me. Just my thought.

Who wants her to get a license-- her or you? It sounds like she either isn't ready or isn't interested.

For what it's worth, I've never had a license, never truly wanted one, I guess. Our city has great transit and I'm willing to walk a ways to get to where I want to go. I've been perfectly independent in this regard since my teens and am 45 now. It wasn't low self-esteem or 'laziness' which kept me from driving, but seeing my dad in the passenger seat with his head in his hands (I'd made a mistake while he was trying to teach me; no one died, and really, if there was an emergency, I could operate a vehicle)-- that was such a no-confidence vote I didn't WANT to pursue driving further. Throughout my life I've used air, rail and bus travel for farther distances. And my mom didn't just drive us everywhere as teens-- she taught us to use the bus system. She was a single mom with three kids and a full-time job. She didn't have time to be a taxi.

All that to say, yes, driving is a 'life skill', but there are millions of people in this world who don't drive and they manage to live perfectly fine lives. Keep it in perspective!

Not every kid is ready to drive at 16. 4 of our 6 kids are licensed drivers and when their got their license was when THEY were ready (and we felt they were ready) - not because they turned 16. Our oldest got her license at 24, 2nd oldest was 16, 3rd was 16.5, and 4th was 17.5.

If she isn't ready, it is YOUR duty as a parent to recognize that and put the brakes on this (no pun intended). Keep your child safe, keep other people safe. If she wasn't ready to ride a bike when she was 5, would you "force" her? No, of course not. She could fall and seriously get hurt . . . how is this any different?

Doesn't sound like she's ready. Not sure why it's more important for you than it is for her. Take a break from it.

I would not take her on any more drives on streets with traffic if she's not observant. The part of the brain that predicts consequences is just not developed fully until age 25, so for a 16 1/2 year old, it's often way underdeveloped.

Most teens don't understand that steering and braking are easy - it's the judgment and foresight that are the problem.

Put the keys away until she's really ready and asking for it. Then go back to empty parking lots (driving between rows, stopping for a full stop at the end even if there's "nothing coming" so she gets used to obeying stop signs, maybe driving over speed bumps if there are some, lining up her parking both in forward and reverse, maybe get some of those cheap cones for soccer games and let her maneuver around them). Then "graduate" to country roads or side streets with no traffic - and you drive the car to get there.

It may also be that she is not used to the larger car (Tahoe, vs. small cars in the driving school lessons), and she has no idea where her bumpers are, or she has a false sense of security since she's "invulnerable" in the bigger vehicle.

I'd put her back in lessons after a 3 month break - and let her pay for it, or at least half - to be sure she's motivated. She has to want this. Maybe she is depending on you too much to be her eyes and ears. Do not let her go for her license until she is ready.

If her self-esteem issues play out in other areas as well, consider counseling. The teen years can be tough.

I also think there's a huge tendency in this generation (teens and 20-somethings) to not see "the big picture" - they spend their lives on cell phones and computers, with all kinds of prompts and reminders and "small picture" things. The world around them - the real world - isn't something they are used to looking at. Consider ways to combat that.

i have a small car and a big truck. after driving the car for a while i forget how to park, turn and manage the big truck. so she may be having an issue with that.
if shes just not paying attention to her surroundings and thinking she is the only car on the road i would not let her drive anywhere at all. she needs to "drive for the other person" as my dad put it. you have to drive as if all other drivers are incompetent monkies (furry, banana eating animals... the actual animal, not a nicname for people) that have no business behind the wheel. you have to be able to anticipate what someone else is going to do and make sure that you are not in a position to be hit when they don't follow the rules. (you also have to know how to avoid getting hit while following the rules.)

i have noticed that the abilities of drivers these days is frightening. here they perform some of the dumbest things that leave me wondering it that were really one of those monkeys my dad warned me about.
just yesterday i encountered 3 of them. :one decided that stopping in the middle of the road and blocking BOTH lanes with a 45 mph speed limit, was a perfectly fine thing to do... next person decided that making a left turn should be made from the fast lane and not the turning lane, and yet another decided that red lights mean change lanes and pass the stopped cars (this actually happened 2x, the first turned left at the red light and joined traffic behind me, the other just blew the light as if it were green)

SO Please keep your child safe and off the road till she is completely ready.

Not being interested and just being oblivious to dangers - to me are two different things.

But I can tell, like you, when my kids aren't interested in something. I don't push them in that case. Because it's not worth it. I back off. So your encouragement might be more pressure - to her.

Can you talk about it? Figure out what the deal is? Is it just when she drives with you? What did her instructors say?

I couldn't learn with my mom. She made me nervous and I just kept screwing up. I was fine with my instructors and my dad. It took me a long time to drive my mother around. She was one of those people who held on to the door handle.

I wasn't the most confident kid. My parents actually had me wait an extra year before I learned how to drive.

I wouldn't bother if she's not interested. It's scary enough having your kids out there but if she's not 100% engaged in the process it is dangerous.

If she is not interested in driving then I see no need to be teaching her. My daughter couldn't wait to turn 16 and get her licenses. Then she realized the enormous responsibility it is to be a safe driver. She ended up not getting her permit until she was nearly 17 and then it took her 9 months of driving before she wanted to take the test for her licenses.
Your daughter will let you know when she is ready.

It's a life skill - she needs to learn it - and practice will help wear off her rough edges.
Shying away from it now won't make it any easier later on.
Mastering a skill might help her low self esteem, but I wouldn't say she's not doing well due to it.
Actually - just throw that 'low self esteem' thing out the window - never bring it up again.
It's too easy for that to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

It's NOT easy switching between large and small vehicles.
I learned to drive a station wagon - and when I got a small car and switched between them - it takes practice in knowing where your bumpers are - judging turning/parking space, your position in the lanes on the road.
My husband has no trouble with this - he can switch between a small car and a bus and tow a trailer and he just knows how to handle each situation.
I still take a lot of time in getting use to a vehicle I haven't driven before or switching to one I haven't driven in a long time.

Hmmmmm. Sounds like if she's not motivated, and does not want to learn maybe she's not to interested yet? I wouldn't push her. I think 161/2 is kinda young anyway. Shell remember all the driving lessons and what she learned when she wants to drive later.

My teen is doing driver's ed over the summer and also says she's not ready to drive. I think she's setting our expectations low if she decides not to take the test for a while.

Others posting here are right -- not all kids are ready; some would like to drive but are frankly afraid they'll hurt someone or themselves or will get in trouble if they damage a car, etc. If kids are feeling those fears you cannot talk them out of the fear.

I would keep having her practice but in areas that are empty and at times when there is little traffic, and would not push her to drive at times and in places where traffic is going to spook her. (We live in a very high-traffic area with a lot of fast, sloppy drivers and I know that already worries my teen--she cannot control other drivers and sees a lot of crazy driving in our very car-centric area.)

I also would strongly consider: Do you have another, smaller vehicle she can use to practice her driving? Or would you be willing to get a used vehicle that she could usef or these next two years of high school? There is a huge difference between a small car and a Tahoe -- just sitting up so much higher and having to figure out where the end of her hood and the back of the car are, compared to the instruction car, is probably worrying her too. I would feel very cautious and wary driving something like a Tahoe the first few times (maybe for a long time) and I've been driving for over 30 years, so I can imagine how a new driver might be intimidated. If she knows she MUST drive the Tahoe, or you tell her that she needs to deal with it, she might be afraid to tell you frankly, "I do OK in the small car but the Tahoe scares me, I don't know where the curb is or I feel like I'm taking up the whole road." Ask her if the Tahoe itself is a part of her reluctance to keep driving and be clear that you're not going to be mad or upset with her if she has issues with the size of the vehicle or feels uncertain about it, compared with the car on which she had her lessons.

I am not sure what you mean when you say that "we end up in a compromising place" because if you're referring to driving, there isn't much to compromise about, unless you mean that you want to her practice and she balks and finds reasons not to go and drive with you--?

As someone who truly believes that basic driving skills are actually basic safety skills, and that folks should learn to drive even if they don't plan to drive daily for work or school etc., I still would suggest that you let her go at her pace. She only just learned, she's two years away from the end of high school still, and she may just not have the attention yet to avoid those close calls. Do have her practice but talk with her -- without urging her to drive, or arguing about why she must drive -- and find out if maybe fear is behind her reluctance, whether it's fear of the larger vehicle, fear of getting in trouble (does she feel she gets yelled at when she makes errors? I am truly not saying you DO yell, but she may feel that way through her own lens), or fear of growing up. I know my teen, who is very mature in other ways, sees driving as the last stop before college and leaving home and she does want to cling somewhat to staying a kid.

Do you drive her to activities and you'd like her to start driving herself? I know a lot of families like that, where the parents are the ones promoting driving because of activities. It happens a lot at my daughter's primary extracurricular, where the older kids drive themselves, and the parents talk about how glad they are to stop making the run so many times a week. If that's the case for you, your daughter may be reluctant to stop having you drive her to activities, either because she likes having that car time with you or because she is afraid to drive to wherever the activity is. She might need to hear from you (IF this is the case) that her activities will continue either way and are not going to go away if she doesn't drive herself there.

I would add that I know some kids who did driver's ed in high school and got permits, but did not get their full licenses until they were in college, and they're doing fine as drivers now.

That is a lot to adjust to for any person going from a small car to a Tahoe. I don't have a Tahoe and I would be intimidated by it. That's like learning how to drive a stick shift over an automatic and being on a hill. Yikes.

Give her some more time. You live in Phoenix area. Are there any empty mall parking lots that she can try to drive in in the morning before they open? Use the parking spots for practice in pulling in and backing out. Do you have any plastic cones or something you can put flags on to help her judge where she is in the spots? It would be good if she does learn to do parallel parking. I know they don't teach it anymore.

Take your time and don't push her unless you are wanting her to drive to her practices to give you a break.

the other S.

I wouldn't follow through with this. If she's not ready then she is putting other's lives in danger.

I know, that sounds drastic. But if she's not paying attention with you in the vehicle imagine how bad it would be if you're not in there?

I didn't get my driver's license until I was 18. I wasn't ready even then. But I did okay. I had my dad's old rambler and it was fun to drive, like driving a tank. I was very safe in it. I drove it until the clutch flat wore out. I got a new one but it just didn't drive as well.

When she is ready, get her private lessons. Until then don't push it. My 18 year old son is still not licensed & will get there one day.

Let her take the test, see what happens. No one does well driving with their mom breathing down their neck.

Have you asked if she wants to drive? My son, 17, senior next year, does not care. He says he will get his license "later". He can walk or bus it as far as he is concerned. For my girls, they want their license yesterday. My problem is that I have control issues in my car. They really do fine when driving but for me....I need to be in charge. My problem, I know. One of my girls cannot have too much going on or too many instructions. if we drive to the store she is fine, but go out driving and tell her do this, do that etc, she gets nervous. I have a Dodge Grand Caravan.

If my children do not do what they are told when they are behind the wheel when I'm there, they won't be driving. If she doesn't seem to listen to you -then she is a danger to everyone on the road and I would hope you put a stop to her driving until she cares enough to keep everyone else safe.

Did you ask her if she wants to get her license? Maybe she doesn't want to, in which case, I'd stop pushing it. My friends with older kids tell me that their kids don't really care if they know how to drive. They are happy to let their parents taxi them around.

It's foreign to me, because I couldn't wait to be old enough to drive, but things are different now.

First I would find out if she wants to drive, and if not, why not. And I would read between the lines of what she is telling you. She may be afraid. I would keep practicing in safe places just to get her used to the art of driving but I would hold off on the test for a year or two when she is ready. Continuing to practice will help build her confidence and skills and maybe her desire to drive.

I have heard a lot of kids these days are reluctant. I don't know if it is the social media that tells them how many teen drivers die, (often involving texting) or what. But I know several families that the kids didn't want to learn. In those particular families there had been kids at their school who had died behind the wheel. And not all of them were the drivers, either. Being a driver was a life/death situation in their mind. (and it is, we more seasoned drivers tend to forget that sometimes, but it is still true) It just made them not want to face it or deal with it.

In my own house, my son couldn't wait. My daughter (turning 15 next month) is equally ready to get started. I was chomping at the bit to learn when I was 13. My middle brother was indifferent. Eldest couldn't wait. Maybe some of it is just personality.

If she isn't interested, don't push her, unless it is something you really *need* for her to do. For us, we live a good ways from the high school and my daughter is very active in after school activities (including competition marching band). For some activities there is an activity bus that can bring her home (even though it takes an additional 45 minutes to get her here), but for marching band (3 days per week) the busses have already left before they are dismissed. Last season, her brother was getting off work and swinging by to pick her up on his way home. (just happenstance that it worked out so well) This year, he will be off at college. So I will be the one running taxi. Hopefully her junior year she will be managing it for herself, so I can be home actually making dinner instead of spending 1:20 in the car right in the middle of dinner prep time.

But I don't know if you have a situation like that. Maybe you live where there is adequate public transportation available (we don't), or within walking distance of most of her activities (we don't). Regardless, it is a skill she should have. In fact, I want my daughter to learn how to drive a manual transmission so she'll never be in a position where she *can't* drive something if she needs to. (It was all we had with son, and he learned rather well; now, we only own automatics, so...)
But I wouldn't push it if she isn't interested. Not yet. I like the suggestion to make her want it by reducing your *availability* to run taxi service for her.
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One other thought. If you put her through driving school before you did any driving with her at home, that might be part of her reluctance. You mention the driving school cars are small and you drive a large SUV. We did the opposite. Taught son on the Mazda 6 (manual) on the rural roads around us, and alternated (one he mastered the basics of the clutch) between that and the Xterra 6 spd manual. So when he went to driving school, the little car they used was easy peasy. I suspect he felt less safe because it was so small.

Maybe go to rural areas, and parking lots that are empty, and have her drive your vehicle, and don't let her in anything small for a while. She'll get used to it.

My older son will be 16 this summer and has opted to wait a year before taking lessons. He doesn't feel ready. My younger son is only newly 14 but already chomping at the bit to start.

I let them choose. No pressure.