Mothers' Intuiton Gone Wrong???

S.
Get involved with mother's groups. Holisitic Mom's Nework and Mother Connection are local groups that are awesome!
C.

Mother-in-Law: "I don't like the way that baby is dressed. She's going to catch her death of cold. I always bundled my babies up!"

You: "Thanks for the advice, Mom...so, how bout them Red Sox?"

Deflect. Don't defend. Don't debate.

Oh...and no harm in taking a parenting class...just for your edification. They can be helpful. I just wouldn't let your mother-in-law know about it!

Wow. You certainly got your hands full. A new baby and unsupportive inlaws! If it were me, I would let them know that it is appreciated ( their concerns), however a baby with a cold, isn't a cause for parenting classes. It is important for a child to build immunity, and sterilization is great, however, it can't always prevent illness. Your baby is still building up its immunity, and if you have done all you can- talking with pediatrician, making sure house is clean, washing hands,etc..then enjoy your new baby, and don't worry about what they might think. A little support wouldn't hurt either.

S.,

First congratulations on your baby!! It sounds like your doing a great job. I would ask your husband to please tell his mom and dad that they are hurting you with suggestions. I really would ask them next time they say something to you, that you have to follow that with something nice to say. Dont let them get you down and stick with your intuition! I am sure your a great mom. And by the way, not all homes are squeaky clean. I bet yours is just fine. I don't understand why in-laws act like out-laws!! I am looking forward to a daughter or son in-law! I wish you so much luck!!

Babies get colds all of the time! Even my friends' babies who were nursed exclusively had colds, and mother-in-laws (or mothers) ALWAYS have an opinion about babies that differs from yours. However, a parenting class is not a bad idea because you really need support when you have a baby, and you need peers to bounce ideas and questions off of.

Maybe it is not mother's intuition. A new baby can be overwhelming at times, and you are fairly young. It sounds like you want to be a very good mom, so maybe classes might not be so bad. You are not the Devil, but maybe classes will help to build your confidence and self-esteem. Things are always changing so much, do this, do that, don't do this, this causes alergies, etc. Your in-laws may be thinking you're doing wrong because when they raised children, they were told it was wrong then. Today, things may be different.

It is so hard when a baby is sick with a cold. Make sure she keeps drinking plenty of fluids so she stays hydrated. As much as she hates you for it, you need to try to keep her nose clear. Have you tried Ocean Drops (saline solution) for her nose? That helps to shrink the mucous membranes in her nose so she won't be so stuffy. You may have to hold her upright when she sleeps or keep her in an infant seat if she is safe there. You could raise the head of the crib as well. If she starts pulling on her ears, etc., you will want to return to the doctor's to have her ears checked.

I know it is easy to feel like a failure and like everyone is criticizing you, but maybe your inlaws want to try to help you. Good luck.

tell her to back off! ifyoudon'tstandup for yourself she will continue to badger you. who cares ifyourhouseisa little dirty.ifshe has a problemwithit tell her to clean it.

Some MILs get like this, and yours may be doing it even more because you are on the young side. If she does this in front of your husband, he must immediately step in and tell her to knock it off, that her tone makes it unpleasant for HIM (not you) to have her around, and that, if it continues, there will be fewer visits. It's his mom so he will be in a better position to speak to her, at least to start. If you talk to her, it will be one more thing that annoys her.

She may also have selective memory about things like the ages of her kids when they got colds. Try to ignore it. I don't know what she's talking about with all the "sanitary" business - the experts are saying the opposite, that we use SO MUCH antiseptic and antibacterial soaps that we are killing off the germs that help our kids develop immunities and also we are creating a whole slew of super-bugs, bacteria that are resistant to antibiotics. Many experts are actually advising us to let our kids get dirty!

You can politely say, "I'll tell my pediatrician what you advise" or "That's an interesting idea, thanks for sharing it" if she is polite in her advice. But if she is hyper-critical and complaining, you can say "Excuse me for a bit" and just leave the room. Take the baby away from her when you leave. Once you leave every time she does that, she may figure out that she is driving you away. You can politely say you left for some quiet time to consider her comments or to remove the baby from a room full of arguing.

You need to develop some confidence, but remember that all of us go through this stage of feeling overwhelmed and of trying things that don't work. Babies don't come with an instruction manual, and there's a lot of trial and error to figure out what's wrong. By the time you get it figured out, they grow into another stage and it starts all over again!! LOL.

If YOU want to take a parenting class to get some tips and to just feel less alone, that's fine. It will actually give you more ammunition when your MIL says to do things a certain way and you can counter "That's interesting, because the parenting expert said just the opposite." That may encourage your MIL to just push harder, but it may shut her up.

If your FIL is also involved, then you've got a double problem. Again, your husband has to step in. It's much more about a power play than it is about your skills. They don't have control over their son, and now they have you to try to control too. You will not win this one by doing everything they say. If your husband speaks up first about what is allowed in his home in terms of criticism, then you will be able to echo his statements. If you START, and especially if he doesn't back you up, then this will continue to be "about you" and the in-laws will just get worse. I'm not saying you wouldn't be justified in sounding off at them - you would be. It just doesn't usually work. The child of the meddling parents needs to take the lead.

Good luck, hang in there, and keep reaching out to other moms.

Your husband has to back you up and politely insist that your mother in law BACK OFF! I think her memory is failing! Most all children get colds at early ages. Check with your pediatrician! It is hard enough being a young mother (was a single mom at 20) you don't need someone making you second guess everything. My mother used to tell me I wasn't doing things right when my son was little, and never corrected my sister. Well I told her I had to raise my son my way, and I was sorry if she didn't see eye to eye with me. My son is now almost 16 and is a terrific kid, polite, helpful, does well in school, and my nephews, well - in a word TROUBLE! Now my mother says she guesses she was barking up the wrong tree. Just do what you FEEL is right, and let her know that you will come to her when you have a question.

Hi S.! Your mother's intuition is still here but your MIL's "intuition" is long gone! She needs to get a grip and butt out!

Stand up for yourself, girl! Tell her FIRMLY but nicely that you don't want anymore negative advice and that you know best for your baby. Tell your hubby how you feel and form a united front. He needs to also tell his parents to back off.

This sounds harsh but the next time they suggest that you take life skill or parenting classes- tell them that they need a lesson or two in MANNERS! Yeesh! I feel for you! I had a terrible time with my in-laws until I refused to let them talk to me like that!
My husband and I had to cut all contact with his parents until they decided to respect our family.

Start standing up to them now or it will get MUCH worse.
Blessings on you girl! Don't let anyone take away your confidence as a mom! You are the best thing that every happened to your baby!

It sounds like you have a very judgmental mother in law.

It's hard when you need the advice and help of that person. I do have to say that your house not being clean enough and that's why your kid has a cold... that's a new one on me. From my Mother in Law i get.. MY kids never had anything sweet until they were 3 years old! MY kids never, ever watched any TV in MY house! Your too strict... Your too permissive...MY kids would never have acted that way... It hurts and it's upsetting -- especially when you are trying your very, very best to be the best mama you can be.

Your issue is also compounded by the fact that you are 19 and many older people think that a 19 year old can't be a good parent. -- but then again I'm 34 and I'm hearing it all the time (i'm sure most of the mothers on here hear stuff like this all the time).

So.. i guess the only advice i can give you is to yes your MIL to death (that or tell HER to clean your house and/or pay for someone else to do it!), tell her that SHE was a GREAT parent... and that you can't POSSIBLY be as great as SHE ever was and shrug it off as best as you can.

I have got to tell you.. that i live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 kids under 4, a husband and two huge dogs. Do you think my house is EVER clean? HA! No matter how much i clean it's never, ever clean. It's the nature of the job. Also... all my kids had colds -- sometimes even 2 or 3 before they were 6 months old. Unless you stay at home all the time they are going to get sick. It's better now than when they are in school!

First of all: congratulations on your new baby. The first few months are so tough, learning how to deal with a baby and adjusting your life. Pat yourself on the back for making it through the birth and early months.

Secondly: Different people remember different things. My mother only remembers the good things about us growing up, not any of the fear I felt moving every 2 years or even that I broke my wrist at 7! My guess is that mom-in-law has the same selective memory.

Thirdly: where is your hubby in all this? Ask him to get his parents off your back. Just like you can speak more freely with your own folks, he should be able to let them know that their comments are hurtful to you.

Finally: If you would like some free time I would suggest that you say: "thank you for suggesting that. When can you watch my baby for an afternoon/evening/every Thursday from 6 -8???" You can then just go to the Barnes & Noble cafe to relax for a few hours with perhaps a parenting book so you can tell them about what you "learned". Time to get crafty girl. I used "what to expect the first year" which I found very useful.

I was a first time mom at 36 and had no clue how to handle a baby even though I had great confidence in other areas of my life. I took the Emerson Hospital class for new moms just to learn how to wash and diaper a baby, and also went once a week to their New Moms meetings (for info call ###-###-####). It was wonderful to be able to get just this kind of stuff you are describing off your chest with a whole bunch of other new moms and a moderator for advice. I would highly recommend this kind of weekly "therapy", I really enjoyed the friendships that developed there and some of those new moms are still my friends.

Some of my mom friends have messy homes, some have gleaming clean homes, some have dirty homes since kids ride horses and dogs track in dirt, ALL of them are good moms. Your baby does not care how organized or clean your house is.

Good luck, don't doubt yourself but do what YOU think is best. They already had a chance to live their lives, maybe they are just jealous. Consider yourself hugged.

S., your mother's intuition is not gone it is just being drowned out by the loud voice of your MIL. Get your husband to back you up and try to ignore what they are saying. Just agree with them and then do it your way. ALL kids get colds no matter what age, how clean the house is, whether they are home schooled or go to public school, daycare, stay at home. Germs are everywhere and unless you live in a bubble babies/kids are going to get sick. My daughter had her first cold at 4 months. Go to a parenting class if YOU want to, not because you need to. Be the best mom you can be to your daughter and know that that is the best thing for her. Good luck and no it gets easier as they get older.

It is always difficult to hear other people criticize what you are doing with your child but as long as your child is safe, healthy, growing,meeting milestones, etc than you are doing things right. (Lots of children get colds long before school) :) If you feel you need more support you should look into the Healthy Families program in your town. It is a program for parents under 21 for support and assistance with childrearing. They also have other resources as needed. Your pediatrician may also have resources available to you in your area. Good luck!

be blunt, tell them YOU are the mom, and to butt out, and mind their own business. houses will be dirty now and then, and kids will get sick.

beubg a youbg mom at only 19, couldn't hurt to take the classes, but only if you want to, don't let them, bully you into it.

good luck and stand your ground

Don't stress- just because you don't automatically know how to handle every situation does not mean you've lost your mothering instinct! I have yet to meet a mother who could not benefit even a little bit from some parenting assistance... That said, your MIL needs to lay off. I don't know about the details, but I CAN tell you that my daughter also had several colds as an infant, and it was NOT due to poor sanitation. Kids catch germs- that is a fact, and the little ones are more susceptible because they are putting everything in their mouths (normal and healthy development at this stage), and their immune systems are not fully developed. You've indicated that you are 19 years old, which makes you automatically eligible to participate in the Healthy Families program, if I recall correctly. It is a really wonderful, helpful program with a one-to-one counselor who will come to your house and help you with anything and everything, at your own pace, and it is completely voluntary on your part, so if it isn't working you just end it. I highly recommend researching Healthy Families in your area- they are all over the place!

You are the best mother for your child, period. If she's that concerned she can call DCF with all else don't worry, she is just trying to gain control of the situation. A too clean house can lead to allergies b/c your daughter's immune system has nothing to work on.

You are awesome and you are learning, my kid got sick at 6 weeks old and it was my mother in law (oh-I only have allergies) that gave it to him.. It is a cold, she is uncomfortable but will be fine. You are awesome and are doing great--keep up the good work, it will get easier and SHE is not there every day (hopefully) and does not see all that you do. Be well and be calm, Nat

You didn't mention where your mom is-is she around to help you out? It sounds like you need someone in your corner. MIL's can be overbearing. I see you are a very young mom. Being a mom is part intuition which I am sure yours is fabulous! Though it may be tough to find if someone is there criticizing and breaking your confidence down. The other part of being a mom is simply experience. There are just some tricks of the trade that you aren't born knowing and you find out about by networking with other moms (like Mamasource etc ;) ) and often times by family.
If your MIL is offering to pay for a parenting class then I think it would be a great opportunity for you. For one, it may shut her p for a bit! Also it'll be a chance for you to meet other first time moms and have a support group. Also a mommy a me class would probably be good for you to meet people. I took one when my son was a few months old and met a wonderful group of moms. They are still my close friends now 3 1/2 years later! They were a lifesaver for me since I have no family in the area and I had no experience with kids when I had my first!

It is good and natural for children to get colds occasionally. It is how their immune system develops. It is now being shown that sterile environments can cause more allergies and asthma in children. And antibacterial soaps cause antibiotic resistant bacteria. Things have changed since your MIL had babies.

Congrats on your new marriage and family! Just work hard and believe in yourself and you will do great!!

WOW! I feel your pain. The in laws are always going to be a pain in the...
Your young and they are very critical. I had my first at 19 and lived at home with my own parents and even they would criticize me and what I was doing. Your instincts haven't gone anywhere. I think the best thing every marriage needs to learn is where to draw the "in-law" line. There were a few times we almost divorced over his parents and thier interferances. One of those times his mother even came to our house to "make amense" sense it was the holidays and she wanted to see her son and grandson. What she actually did was came to tell me where to stick it. Before she arrived I told my husband he needed to tell them the truth and not his twisted side of the story when she came...he sat and listen to her tell me off and did nothing...so did I. She got it off her chest and later learned her false and had to apoligize. Later wont come right away, it took her a few years. It sounds like yours are as controling as mine. Children get colds! If you walk into a grocery store and touch a carriage, you can get a cold. Your husband goes to work every day, he can bring all kinds of things home. You should talk this over with him and he'll have to be the one to set the boundaries with his parents, not you. He'll have to be the one to step up for his wife and do what is right. What I would do is take a look around and see what their complaints maybe just to appease the situation. Maybe the floor needs to be vacuumed, the shower washed out, the dishes done...Lord knows I HATE dishes! If you know their coming over, go the extra mile to clean up what they might have complaints about. Do this with an open mind. Be the bigger person! It will pay off, maybe not right away, maybe not for years, maybe not until thier on thier death bed. But it will pay off. Do the best that you can do and that's all that can be asked of you. Some tips I had to learn when being an at home Mom was to shower and dress nice when hubby was due home...whether I stayed in pajama's all day or not, I needed to great him looking good with a smile on my face and an "I love you" and kiss. Don't blow him over with all the junk that happened that day. Have a routine, 1-2 chores a day that you be sure get done each day because then if he comes home feeling something was done, then he'll stick up for you to his parents. (Just make sure their done before you go off with friends or anything, because those will get in the way of what you need to do at home, I learned that the hard way.) Let him come home to a decent house and loving wife. That's the best a husband can ask for. And if your doing what you as a wife should do, the husband will follow. Not always right away but he'll follow. Drop cards where he'll find them at work, cheap cards work just as good! Make his favorite meal 2X a month. My hubby's is Taco's so each week we had taco Tuesday and let me tell you, he loved coming home to us that day! If you do as you should for hubby and your kids, all else will eventually fall into place.
This is long now but I wanted to give you the best advice I could. I hope the best for you. Remember your age doesn't really mean too much...your learning more and more each day. I'm YEARS ahead of you and still don't have it all done.

My mother's house is spotless and mine, not so much. When my son was first starting to walk, she kept him overnight for the first time. When I picked him up the next day, her house looked like mine...like a small child had run through it. I floated all day with smugness. LOL. Moral of the story, it's so easy for others to tell us what to do, but just one day of walking in our shoes....
Is this your first child? I noticed that you are 19. Honestly, at 19, I didn't know too much about babies and I probably would have welcomed any help I could get. Sounds like your in-laws could be a little more constructive with their criticism. Try talking to them and seeing if you guys can't reach some type of stalemate. If not, remember, you are the mommy. You know what is best for your child. A little dirt never hurt...builds up those antibodies. *_*

Good luck!

You've gotten good advice from other moms who responded, so there is no need for repeats.

My two cents is: and let me capitalize this...NEVER DOUBT YOURSELF AND YOUR MOTHERLY INSTINCTS....mine have NEVER been wrong...and I'm sure a lot of other moms would agree.

I too have a witch as a mother-in-law who puts her opinion in everywhere. It's hard to ignore...and at times you shouldn't. Talk to your husband to speak with her...mothers listen best (and don't get offended) if the criticism comes from their own children.

http://www.daniellewrites.webs.com

I think you and your husband need to have a 'family' meeting and tell your inlaws that they need to start letting you be the parents and keep their comments to positive ones. They coudl of been the ones to give your baby the cold! babies can catch a cold form Anyone not just when they go to school! all of their negativity is breaking your down. Trust yourself and stop listening to them, they already raised their child and this is your baby and you would love to hear from them if they have something nice to say. LISTEN to yourself and believe in yourself you will be a great mom Given the chance!!!!!

Hi S.,

I'm not sure why mother's intuition is so important. I think it's over-rated. In fact, I don't think most mothers have it, especially at first. In the beginning, it's only fear of the worst. Then as time goes on, the mother gains more experience and then confidence. So it's not intuition at all, but making mistakes and learning from them and having the guidance of more experienced, kind women. I didn't have a particularly consistent mother, so I got very mixed messages. Think about how your mother treated you, and about how your mother and father got along. There are tons of clues in those relationships.

Intuition means that you know instinctively --without thinking about it--how to do something right and what's wrong. It's sort of like Lassie, on the 1950s-60s TV show. The beautiful collie was with Timmy when he fell down the well. She knew instinctively that she should tell his parents. Meanwhile the water was creeping up sloooooowly while Timmy looked around in desperation. She raced back home, but the parents and brother never knew what she wanted, even though the same thing repeated every week. Then Lassie would bark and jump and turn around and point her nose, until someone starts to "get it" and says, "Are you trying to tell us something? What is it, girl?" Meanwhile, Lassie is going crazy, almost standing on her head. Finally they "get it" for real and say, "OK, girl, show us where Timmy fell down the well." And off they go to find that, indeed Lassie was trying to tell them something. You could almost see Lassie's exasperation and hear her thinking, "Gosh, what is the matter with these people? What more do I have to do to get them to follow me?"

The point of my story, if there is one, is that you need to give yourself time to learn to be a mother. After all, you're not a cat or a dog or a bear. You didn't build a den and have your baby all alone. People are much more complicated, more highly evolved, and also more needy of companionship, more like wolves (who have gotten a bad rap).

My suggestions, added to the great ones you have already received, are to 1) chill and use humor when you can. 2) This one is important: Pray to God, do what's right, and also pray for your MIL. Pray for your husband too...I'm assuming that he's young too. So he may not have that much strength to lend you. 3) remember that you ARE young, go to classes or places where you'll learn new things and meet people. Experiment until you meet the kind of people who fit with you. 5) Here's my final suggestion that I bet will shock you and a lot of the other women here: watch the absolutely least amount of TV you can. TV is the biggest waste of time, and worse, it makes you feel you aren't smart enough, not tall enough, not rich enough, worse yet, your car isn't good enough, you don't drink enough beer, and your hair isn't the right color.

Read books to open your mind and widen your horizons. Don't put your mind in neutral, keep growing and changing. Some day, I expect to hear that you're the dean of Harvard Law School or the CEO of Ford Motor Co. Love, B.

Hi S.,
It dosent sound like youve lost your mothers instinct, It sounds like your in-laws opions are drowning it out. Raising kids is hard! Everyone has an opion. Even people in line in the bank. You need to do whats best for your family. If you feel that your kids need more attention and the floor dosent get mopped oh-well!
If anything get it to a Moms group so you now that what your doing isnt so differnt.
No one knows your kids like you do and you know whats best. So start listening to you and not everyone else.!!!! :))
Good Luck!
K.

Hi S.
First of all-are you feeling like you are not taking care of your child properly? If so-then you take a parenting class-not because your MIL said so.
This is important for you to set the tone in your marriage and motherhood. My MIL used to try to get between my husband and me. It would cause fights every time we left her home.
Finally I decided to just yes her do death and do what I wanted. My Sister in Law let her bully her (the MIL would go to her house an Wash her floor before the rest of company would come!! SHe wouldn't think of doing that in my home-clean or dirty floor!)
If you stand your ground respectfully-you set the tone.
Funny thing is -she is now my ex-MIL and we are still very close. We genuinely get along-and I think it is because I showed her that I deserved the respect.
Good luck and follow your heart when it comes to raising your daughter.
J. H

I agree with just about everything people have said here. I think I would say something like "Thanks. I'll consider that." and move on. Just because she's constantly saying stuff doesn't mean /everything/ is wrong. So..consider it, decide if it works for you. Disregard what you don't need.
It sounds like her tone is unpleasant, which is difficult to get past.

MY MIL was a godsend (except for one incident of premature attempted Ferberizing...she learned her lesson from that one!); it was MY mother that was so hard!

I agree with the person who recommended the New Moms group at First Connections at Emerson. They are really wonderful there!

Good luck!

First, tell your MIL politely that thank you, but you will do things your way.

Second, it doesn't hurt to go to parenting classes (but you don't have to tell her you're going). I'm 37, I have 3 kids, and I still go to the occaisonal class. I'm going to something from the Medford Family Network that is Yoga and Mindful Parenting. They have tons of different parenting classes that I'm trying to fit in. See if you can get something free through your town, Early Intervention or your medical provider/insurance/hospital. I like to combine my intuition with things I learn from books and classes.

My favorite parenting book is What to Expect the First Year, and then WTE the Toddler Years. You can get it from the library.

You have got to be kidding me S., you'r MIL really said that?? It seems that you are in the same boat that I was in until about 3 years ago - First of all, your MIL was a great mom, I mean, you married her son - right? HOWEVER times are a little different nowdays - in order to keep the peace with my MIL (who lives in my in-law) I just nod my head when she critiques my mothering skills, hang up the phone or close the door, let my husband know what I am doing wrong (it's become important to me to let him know when I am being scolded), roll my eyes and continue to mother my perfectly happy, clean, well adjusted little boy in the manner that I prefer..... An FYI: this time of year, my son caught every single 'bug' that flew our way. There have been some miserable nights that I have spent rocking him upright just so that he could get enough sleep that he would nap the next day and that's when I would sleep... this may sound silly but I used to bring him in a nice warm bath with me (when he was too little to be in on his own) to kind of get the mucas flowing out his nose and wipe it with a washcloth which he didn't mind at the time....

You are going to have a long road ahead of you if you let your MIL make you feel like a failure this soon in your mothering career...
M.

IGNORE HER. You're doing fine.

1. She needs to step off.
2. Kids get sick.
3. A sterile environment where a kid is not exposed to anything, is more likely to get sicker since the immune system has never been challenged.
4. I'd rather have a cold or 2 now, and have a kid who is ready for school, rather than missing school days in the future.
5. If your MIL wants to clean houses...I'll give her directions to mine :) I'm sure it's messier than yours!

good luck. sounds like you need it. somehow you need to let her know that while you appreciate her suggestions, you are doing right by your daughter and her granddaughter. she's new to her role too :)

S.,
It seems to me that your in-laws have judged you and nothing you say to them will be received in a favorable light. I think you need to have your husband speak to them (with you present) and explain that this is your house and they are not to criticize what happens in it. He needs to set the boundaries with his family. If you try to do it yourself, I think your husband and his parents may be resentful. Besides, doing it together shows your unity as a family and his love for you.
C.