My parents in law they are always helpful However I feel they have been influence to my daughter (7years old) decision too much. such as
my mother in law tended to give my daughter old clothes that are from her neighbor. that I dislike the style some style are not for her ages. it is more like for Teenager. my daughter wants to wear them. every time she brought some clothes from grandma That I disapproval. I tend to donate them away. They know my daughter like clothes from Justice, However, I don't like their style. They took my daughter their for shopping. seems they spoil her.
yesterday, they picked up my daughter and said they want my daughter to get the hair cut. My daughter doesn't want to have the hair cut . no matter I told her. she always said no. But my mother in law suddenly said she is going to get a hair cut today and the salon will give my daughter a hair cut for free. my daughter said ok. Even though I told her I prefer to wait a little while because she will need to have the performance that if she gets the hair cut now. it will be difficult to cut it. IS this too much for parents in law to involve in my daughter hair style? I feel fed up for this.
some times I feel. she is your grand child. not your daughter. It seems . whatever, I said No. Grandma will said yes. and my daughter will listen to her more than me.
All decisions that are appearance related should be made by you. Not by Grandma, just because the girl agrees with her more. If you have a reason why her hair should not be cut or trimmed right now, then it shouldn't be.
Well, you have a couple of choices the way I see it. Hairstyle was never something I wanted to control on my children, so I don't, it's not a battle I want to have. You have a choice to not make hairstyle a "battleground" with your daughter. You CAN prevent her from going with grandma to the salon, if that is your choice. But we have a saying, "Pick your battles carefully." Don't make something, that doesn't really matter in the long term, a cause for disharmony in your family.
As far as the clothes, I didn't know about Justice, so I looked it up. My daughter is 12. I didn't see anything too old for her there (even if she was 7), so I am going to guess that in your culture these clothes are "too old" but in mine (basic, working class, American family) they aren't. Which is probably why your in-laws don't understand your objections. The clothes are pretty typical for an American girl at almost any age past toddlerhood. This is something you have to talk with your daughter about. You do have the right to get rid of anything that anyone gives her if you think it's inappropriate, though.
I think it's ok for grandparents to spoil grandchildren to a certain extent. But, it's also appropriate for you to sit down with them and set some firm boundaries. Salon visit are a mother and daughter activity only. You prefer to pick out her clothes. Stand up to your MIL, she will respect you for it, especially if you approach her like an ally not an enemy. She should not be overriding your authority on something when you have already said no.
I also agree it's time to get your daughter involved in some activities so she is spending a little less time with grandma :)
Oh my, it sounds from your syntax that this may be a cultural thing? If not, I apologise for assumptions. It is up to you to decide which clothes are suitable for your daughter, and when or if she will have a hair cut. If you are uncomfortable with having her hair cut today, just say no. It is your right and duty as your daughter's first carer and protector.
These are decisions for you, not your in-laws, and it is OK for you to say no.
I am American, married to Indian. I have cross-cultural issues too with my in-laws.
I can say that we probably don't have the same cultural dynamics as you do, but if your cultural is anything like my In-laws. They cherish and love grandkids unconditionally. That often means they take liberty's that I hate. Hair cuts, clothes, and toys are all parts of thing they give my children. Doesn't matter if like them or not, I accept it. Since we dont live with them and barely visit. When we do, I allow them to shower most anything on them. Their American Grandparents would be a little more respectful to my wishes because I am comfortable telling them exactly what I dont want them to do. I talk and interact with them more comfortably cause they are my family. You may feel its not your right to tell them not to give that to the kids, because you dont like it. Does your husband back you up on the decision?
Unless the clothing is completely and utterly inappropriate. I would leave it alone, and let her wear it to a friends house, or something but if it doesnt live up to dress code then she wears it at home. Don't try to control that part. If its completely trashy or gross then you say, sorry its not appropriate and you throw it or donate it.
Hair cutting is definitely something I would have been angry about, I would have voiced great displeasure even though I am NOT SUPPOSE to , to them but my American side would have not allowed me to sit back and let them hack my daughters hair off in a style we BOTH didnt want. If your daughter wanted it, I would have allowed it. Hairstyles do not change your child's personality, respect level, or attitude. As Julie mention its only visual and it grows back.
Grandparents have a big influence on kids, they will constantly do as they did while raising their own kids. If your mother in law is doing something you dont like, you can say things but they have to be said in a very nice way. Just as you would have said it to a in-law in you own country. Think it about the same thing. In-law communication is usually tricky. pretty much people dont always care for in-laws. There is always some animosity and tension there.
Step back, think about what is going on. Is it something that will ultimately change your daughters core values and way of life? If not, let your mother in law spoil her while she is alive.
Sounds like a totally normal grandma to me. My mom was a control freak like you but at least she had the sense to accept my grandparents were her and my dad's parents and let it go. She would not disrespect my grandparents.
In the grand scheme of things it isn't like they spoil grand kids that much.
Heck my grandma used to cut my hair when I was over there. Mom would see it, kept her mouth shut, and moving on...
If grandma was doing things detrimental to your daughter's health and safety I would be right with you but these are cosmetic things that won't matter a bit in a year!! You want to assert your authority to your mother in law and your daughter has become the bone of contention. I wish you could see how totally unfair this is to your daughter. You want to fight with your mother in law, pick a different subject.
__________________
Oh wow! I just looked at your other questions. So you are from somewhere in Asia and you married an American. Yeah, you don't get it do you. These cultures just don't mix well at least when it comes to the older generations. Your mother in law is perfectly normal, and I guess your perceptions are normal as well but you need to decide is this your hill to die on. I would go with no.
i too would be annoyed if some of these decisions weren't at least run past me. but it's hard to tell from your post just what the relationship is, and how clear you've been with them already. you donate the clothes you don't like, but have you actually had a conversation with your in-laws about the style you prefer for your child? if all they know is 'antoinette LOVES justice' then they're going to love to indulge their beloved GD and take her shopping there (and no, shopping trips with grandma won't spoil her.)
if, however, you have made it clear to them, then yes, they are overstepping.
while hair has never been a big deal for me (but then i don't have girls), i do think your in-laws should discuss the haircut with you. but you're very vague about whether YOU have talked to them about it, or whether it's all been on your daughter. if you've left it up to her all along to agree to it or not, then your MIL isn't off-base to assume that you are letting it be your daughter's decision, and is probably thrilled to be able to get her the haircut for free.
it sounds as if you're putting your daughter squarely in the uncomfortable middle. you're the adult. make it clear to your in-laws what your wishes and boundaries are. if they then keep crossing them, you've got a valid gripe.
but don't expect your 7 year old to do it for you, or for your in-laws to read your mind.
khairete
S.
Sorry that your in-laws are undermining you. That's tough. Somehow, you need to assert your authority with them.
However, clothes and hair don't matter (as long as they are appropriate). Allow your in-laws to spoil your daughter and get her hair cut, if your daughter agrees.
Hair grows back.
This sounds like it could be cultural. When there are serious problems with a mother-in-law, it's very important to have the support of your spouse.
Informing your daughter that she is or isn't allowed to do something isn't going to be enough when you have an overbearing mother-in-law. Your mother-in-law will just run over her the way she is running all over you. Instead, your mother-in-law needs to be informed by her son that it is time to respect boundaries and respect you as a mother. That way when you say something will not happen or something should happen, she needs to listen.
Get your spouse to support you.
At 7 yrs old, your daughter is old enough to get busy - with sports, dancing, gymnastics, Brownies (Girl Scouts), craft classes, taekwondo etc (pick one or two and keep trying new things).
It's time to get her busy enough that she has less time for as much contact with Grandma as she has had up to now.
Grandma could use a hobby of her own - some socializing with people her own age, bingo, traveling/sightseeing (she can send postcards to grandchildren), etc.
Don't ask for Grandma's opinion - inform her of what you have done (after the fact - don't give her a chance to voice her opinion before you've taken action).
This might be a cultural thing but you can respect your elders without letting them trample your choices and preferences especially with your own child.
When you DO have family get together s (try for no more than once per month), steer the conversation to how your MIL handled HER MIL - get her remembering/talking about her younger days.
If you want to be happier, you are going to have to grow a backbone and be more forceful.
It will upset people at first but if you stick with it - they will come to respect your boundaries.
Remember all this for when you eventually become a MIL yourself!
It sounds like you have not asserted your authority with your in-laws. You have to set your boundaries and stick to them. If you continue to give in, it will be worse. If you do not want your daughter's hair cut and she does not want it cut, then that is the answer...they have no input to that decision...
Well, don't take her over there and when grandma asks where she is tell her that she needs to pay attention to what you have decided pertaining to your daughter.
I like most Justice styles. They are pretty cute. Perhaps you could go shopping with them and pick the styles you like better.
