Mother Ring and SS

i agree with the others that you would have been condemned by him either way. keeping that in mind, when you get it, wear it proudly and when he has an attitude about it just simply say, "you can't stop me from loving you, sorry!" and move on.

You do what you want to do with your ring. Let him be glum and have an attitude - he's only 10.

I second that your husband needs to have a 'heart to heart' (I'm putting that nicely) and let him know he is not to speak or act the way he is acting and consequences need to be put on him for his negative behavior. The talk should also include that he doesn't have to love you or even like you, but he does have to treat w/ common courtesy and respect.

I say keep it and wear it! He is family after all and as you said it is a family ring not just a mother's ring. Someday he will be older and wiser and know how lucky he was to have a stepmom who automatically included him in her family. like others said, either way would have been wrong in his eyes. But your eyes he is your family and is included.

Wear it and wear it proudly! He will know you love him, no matter what he does or says. When hes older, he will certainly remember your loving gesture on your family ring :)

Well, this really isn't about the ring. You were probably darned if you did, darned if you didn't with the ring. But it really does sound like your poor step son is very conflicted. He may feel like it is a betrayal to his mother to be a part of your family. I noticed that you said in this post and others that you have been the parent so you must not think much of his bio-mother's parenting skills. And maybe that's warranted, but regardless... I would suggest that holding yourself out to be a better parent than his bio mom is putting this child in the middle. And if bio-mom and step dad are also talking you down, this poor kid is in the middle. If the adults involved are willing and really want to do the best thing to help this child, the adults (you, dad, bio mom and "step-dad"), should get some family counseling for assistance in making this work.

When the ring comes in and he says something I would very gently tell him that you love him and consider him part of your family and you are proud to have his birthstone in the family ring.

keep it & wear it....one day, he will apologize & feel remorse for his "horrible years".

He is 10. Keep the ring as it is and pretty sure he will come around. This happend to a cousin of mine. Her husband had a son and daughter from a previous marriage. She had a daughter from a previous relationship and the son and daughter hated her. Mainly because of the ex's opinions and comments around them. Yet she drove them to school everyday and took care of them when they decided they wanted to come around. The mom would bribe them with gifts when they said they wanted to come live with Dad. Now she has finally left the marriage and 3 kids of her own with this man and before she left the son broke down to his grandma saying how much he loved her and didn't want her to leave, etc.
I think with boys its really hard for them to show their emotions and sometimes they are influenced by others to the point they hide their true feelings for fear that they will make mom or dad mad. Give him some more time and continue to show him the love you have for him-one day he will recognize this and might even consider you more of a mother than his own....that is what happened with my cousin. I bet with the mixed responses he is confused. I bet my bottom dollar the mom has said to him that she is his only mom or that he already has a mother-he is only reinterating what he has heard so at this point don't take it personal and pray for the mom because she obviously has some issues. She should be thanking her lucky stars that she actually has another woman that truly loves her son as her own child-not many people get that with step-parents so when you have that you best hold onto it. Sending you hugs because I know that has GOT to be heartbreaking to hear.

I think if I was in that situation I wouldn't have ordered the ring at all since you knew that SS was going to make a scene either way. If you had left him off, he'd use that as an excuse to say you didn't like him. If you put him on, he'd make a fuss.

But all that said, it sounds like your husband needs to sit him down and tell him that this behavior (the way he treats you) is not acceptable. You may never have a great relationship with your SS -- and no amount of doing stuff for him or trying to win him over will work -- but he can at least show respect when you're around. Your husband as his father is the person who should enforce this.

Even tho he hasn't seen or talked with his bio mother he's had time to think about her reaction. This ring is for you. You should include whatever stones on it that you want. I think it's best that you do include his. You are telling him that you believe he's part of your family and that is a very important message to get across to him.

I know it hurts to be so little appreciated. I suggest that in a twisted way it's partly a good thing. His ability to be so verbally negative indicates that he feels secure in your love. I suggest he calls his mother's boyfriend his step-dad because he needs that term to feel secure. He knows you're his step-mom but he doesn't have to call you that. Also, he wants his birth mother's approval and she probably tells him to not call you step-mom. He may call her boyfriend step-dad at her request, too.

I learned this as a foster mother. Children who feel unsure of a parent's love will not tell them off. My foster daughter, who I adopted, longed for her birth mother and never said anything negative about her. She'd tell me she hated me. Even as a young adult she was critical of the way I parented her while defending her birth mother's inability to parent. Her birth mother often abandoned her both emotionally and physically. I never did. My daughter is now 30 and has been loyal to me the last couple of years. She won't see or talk with her birth mother since she's finally secure enough within her own self that she can feel the pain caused by her birth mother.

From reading previous posts I am sure that your step-son is having more difficulty than the usual child has with his situation. I suggest that you are the most important person in his life. He can't tell you that and he has to try to push you away because in his experience the important people to him leave, either or perhaps both physically and emotionally. He's also testing you to see if he can be obnoxious enough you'll give up on him too.

Usually we are told to let children see when they hurt us. I was told to work on accepting what my foster daughter said without showing the pain. I can't explain well the reasoning behind this but I know it helped in our situation. It has to do with modeling strength and a lack of vulnerability so that the child knows that we can not only take care of ourselves but we can take care of them, no matter what. If they can hurt us they have more power than we do.

Once I fully realized that her angry words and behavior were the result of her sense of security in my love I felt more confident and was able to feel hurt less often. When she said, "I hate you!" I'd either say, "that's OK, I love you!" in a calm and quiet voice. Or I'd completely ignore it.

I would like to suggest, tho I may be way off, that your step-son's over concern with germs is his way of handling his concern for his mother's lack of ability to care for him. He can protect himself from germs but he can't protect himself from his mother, sort of idea, grossly over simplified.

It's important for his father to step up and take care of him, protect him from germs and his birth mother's inabilities. As you've said, you're a step-mother and don't have the legal authority needed to protect him. For that he is angry, tho he doesn't understand it. He just knows he needs something and you, his father, his birth mother are not providing it.
It's safe to express his anger at you but not at the other people. And the phobia with germs is a way of expressing his pain.