Mother in Law Issues - Santa Rosa,CA

Dear C.,

First off I am so sorry you have to deal with somthing so unpleasant and difficult.

I went though somthing like this with my Mother-In--Law and as hard as it was I found a time when we could be alone and simply sat down and asked her why there was so much tension and how could we find a way to get at least some what common ground for the sake of my sons and my husband.

I am not usually so direct and it was very very hard but once we started talking I found out a few things I did not know that were bothering her. Without going into specifics she felt a little abandoned by her son and was mostly hurt which was why she was treating me the way she was. Once I had the information I was able to suggest alternatives that she could live with including suggesting my husband take his mom to lunch from time to time just the two of them. I know family time is extremely precious especailly with your husband doing his residency but if you are going to be near his family you have to at least try to make things better for everyone.

I hope you will end up with as good a result as I did. I was relieved after we talked and now though we are still not close, we can see each other without tension.

ugh! I feel for you. My husband and I moved closer to my inlaws about 3 years ago and the first year was literally hell. My inlaws would call CONSTANTLY and pitch fits that we didn't spend every weekend with them and that we did not leave our daughter with them all the time. My MIL also hates me for no reason at all other than when her son graduated college instead of moving home he got a job, married me, and moved in with me. (most parents would be proud...she fully expected her little boy to come home to mommy- weird). But anyhow----the situation continued to escalate until we finally had to have a sit down with them. I was so tired of being blamed for everything and being treated like I was a bad person.

Now, things are a bit better...she still has her evil snide comments towards me here and there...but they have backed off quite a bit. I do not trust either my father inlaw or mother inlaw with watching my child (as I did try a few times and it never turned out right). So the bottom line is...if they want to see her...they have to either come to our home or we will come to theirs or meet them someplace but they will never be alone with her.

It sounds like all you can do is avoid her like the plague and try to see your FIL as much as possible at parks, playgrounds etc so your daughter can see grandpa. Maybe if he wants to babysit for you, have him come to your house instead. I wouldn't let someone who couldn't be nice to me around my childern, especially without me there!!!

.

This sounds like my grandmother reincarnated, except she made my dad's life (and thus, ours, too) horrible. Grandparental love? It didn't exist for my grandmother. After my mom refused to let my grandma name my brother, grandma refused to come over. My brother was 6 months old before grandma ever met him, and we lived only 10 minutes away. Another small perceived slight when I was 5 or 6 led to grandma again breaking contact, only this time my parents shrugged and said, "Enough." Enough apologizing for nothing just to keep the peace. Grandma never spoke to us again, even years later when my brother was killed in a car accident and my mom pleaded with her to come be by her side in her time of sorrow, grandma refused. She said if she'd been a better daughter, Fate might not have brought my brother's death on us. Can you imagine?! In short, some women just do not have the capacity to love beyond themselves, and they will never change. My advice: do not let your in-law's babysit. Period. Even as a small child, I remember my grandmother's attitude toward my dad, and it scared me. I dreaded being around her. I didn't understand the snide comments she made about him when she was on the phone and didn't know (or care) that we could hear her in the other room. But I felt the hatred behind them. Your MIL may be sweet as pie to your daughter, but her comments and body language when your name comes up will have an impact on your child. It will confuse her and hurt her. Invite them over to your place, and if MIL can't play nice, address it and have your husband tell her that disrespectful talk of any kind with regard to you in YOUR home and in front of YOUR child won't be tolerated. If she keeps it up, the invites stop.
Oh, and if your in-laws make a habit of stopping by unannounced, agree with your husband on a plan. If your daughter is home, greet them at the door and keep them on the porch and say, "Gosh! SO sorry! But we are walking out the door right now to meet up with friends..." And then do it. If your daughter is not home, then rip off your shirt, tousle your hair, and answer the door holding your shirt in front of you and say breathlessly, "OH! GOSH! Um, we weren't expecting visitors. Uh, can we take a rain check?" Both methods worked for us...My parents and my MIL call ahead.
Good luck!!!

Just curious. Has your husband talked to her about her behavior towards you. My husband finally gave my MIL an ultimatum. Either she is pleasant & nice to me or she wouldn't see either of us or our kids when they came along. It was the best thing for us. When she is mad she tends to take it out on me but it isn't constant. It happens every other year or so. Much easier to deal with.

It won't work for everyone but made a huge difference for us.

I have a sister-in law that hates me, too. I know it is because I closed the "checkbook". So, whenever we are in her presence, she always says "Hello" to my husand when other people around, but ignores me.

OK.

I act like she is SOMEONE I DO NOT EVEN KNOW!!! You can do this!!!!
I used to cry because she didn't talk to me. Now, I don't even think about it!! She is not happy ~ neither is your MIL!

Just act like she i

Updated

I am so sorry, I think my original messge got lost. I have a sister-in-law that hates me too; I closed the "checkbook" and now whenever we are at the same place (family functtions); she always greets my husband, but not not me or our son. So, I have decided to act like that she is a stranger and I have nothing to do wth her. My sister-inl-aw is miserable and so is your MIL.

P.S
I would be so grateful to have have someone who is willing to love and support my son in his endeavors.

Just because you live in the same area, doesn't mean you have so see each other. Tell your FIL that he will NOT be able to watch the kids because of the way his wife treats you and that if HE wants to stop by here and there to see the kids for a few minutes, that's fine, but he needs to do it alone because your MIL is not welcome. Be honest.

i am in the same boat, it seemslike a prerequisite for the MIL to dislike the DIL. everytime i make a suggestion on what my hubby and i are going to do she has a snide comment. her famous words are I only speak the truth its just my opinion. we now live out of state and it seems to have gotten worse. if you are not comfortable leaving you FIL to watch your daughter dont. he can always come and visit w/o her. if your hubby has not already spoken to her about her treatment towards you he needs to speak up.
A HAPPY WIFE IS A HAPPY LIFE!!!!

There is nothing you can do but not take it personally (which I know can be hard). It's her problem to deal with and the more you react to her, the more she'll be a problem.

That being said, let the Grandfather watch the kiddies at your house and not let his wife over. If she makes a stink, just calmly say that her current reaction is why she's not allowed.

Make sure that your hubby has regular mommy time (without you) so she cannot use that against you either. Also make sure you and your hubby are in full agreement on this situation.

She may never come over to the side of liking you, but may start to act more civil....

Good luck!!!

Avoid her as much as possible. The men have to be men in this situation and deal with this. Your husband has to lay down the law with her: she will always be his mom, you are his wife, she has nothing to worry about but he has to take care of his wife and children like she took care of her husband and children. It's the way of things, and he has to make it clear that she doesn't get the benefit of grandbabies without respecting and being civil to the mother of those babies. It would be nice if your hubby and FIL both took this line with her. Good luck!

Any way you can not move near them? If so, don't. If not, I would NOT let them watch the kids. Invite them over to your house so your FIL can see them. I would not let her around your children unmonitored. I am sorry you are going through this. She gives the nice MIL's a bad name. I would just play the game around her to keep the peace, to save your marriage and keep you on her good side. Good luck and hang in there!

I know about jealousy and how it gets in the way of reasonably good relationships. You're right. You cannot fix it.

I'd be honest with your fil and tell him your concerns. If he's willing to watch the kids at your house then give it a try. The two of you can work it out, if he's understanding.

Having your husband's support is great! If he's able to stand up to his mother it is possible that over time she will relax some. This happened with my mother and her mil, my grandmother. My grandmother wasn't dramatic or particularly manipulative but she was very disapproving and judgmental. By the time we kids were in school they were getting along in a reasonable manner. By the time I was in middle school they were friends. My father and grandfather weren't very sensitive or socially aware. They just didn't respond to the situation. It all worked out well in the end.

I suggest keep an open mind at the same time that you're protecting yourself and your children. That sounds like opposites and difficult to do. It is. I'd explain it this way. Find a way to have a neutral feeling towards her and about her. When you find yourself feeling critical remind yourself that that feeling doesn't help you. Live your life as if she doesn't exist sort of thing. Take care of yourself by ignoring her demands and attempts to manipulate.

Because your fil loves and is wonderful with you and your daughter, it is important for your children to have a good relationship with your him. My relationship with my grandparents was one of the most important relationships I had. I adopted my daughter and it was important that my father very much loved her. She came to live with me when she was 7.

My mother was jealous of my daughter and treated her coldly and with judgment. I was caught in the middle. I was also a single parent. I did feel that I walked an uneven line, having to watch what I said and did around both my daughter, as a teen, and my mother. There was no doubt in my mind that my child's welfare was first place and that helped. My mother was an adult able to take care of herself. A child depends on the adult and is unable to take care of himself especially against the unreasonable expectations and manipulations of a grandparent. My mother would never physically hurt my daughter but she did say some mean things. I understand your decision to not let your mil be alone with your babies. I did much the same thing.

C.,

Husband’s mother hates me

You and your children in her way

Husband in med school

Strife caused by lies

Drama

A few questions:
Has your husband’s mother actually come right out and said “I hate you”?

Do you hate her?

What kind of drama happened when your first child was born?

What lies has she told that has caused strife between you and your husband?

Have you sat down with her one on one and had a serious conversation?

Have you sat down with your husband’s father and had a serious conversation?

Have the four of you sat down and had a serious conversation?

You are correct in thinking this is not something “you” can fix by yourself. This is a family matter that should be dealt with by everyone concerned. It might even require family counseling.

You said your husband’s mother feels that you and your children are in the way of “her getting her way”. Is it possible that she was concerned that the time, commitment, and cost it takes to become a physician, coupled with the responsibility of a stay at home wife and children would be a very heavy load on “her son”, “your husband”?

Could some of the animosity between the two of you be caused by finances? In other words, who is paying for your husband’s medical school? If your husband’s parents are/were paying for all or part of his college education and medical school expenses, it is entirely possible that her concern/resentment of you stems from the added financial responsibility?

Whether or not your husband’s mother feels you married and started a family too soon is now a moot point. You’re here; a grandchild is here with another on the way. You’re the wife, she’s the mother. Most mothers love their grandchildren even if they don’t feel immediate love, affection warmth, etc. for their children’s spouse,

Mother’s tend to hold the attitude that “no woman is good enough for their sons”. Father’s tend to hold the attitude that “no man is good enough for their little girls”. In most cases, especially when the grandchildren arrive, the respective families warm up to each other, even love each other, or at the very least respect each other.

Bottom line is you either figure out a way to get along, or prepare for misery. Keep in mind that your husband, his father and your children will suffer the most.

As far as babysitting or visits to the grandparent's home it should depend on the grandparents age,physical and mental condition and the age and needs of your children. If both sets of grandparents are capable of caring for the grandchildren from time to time, the fact the you and your husband's mother don't see eye to eye shouldn't prevent the visits. If both you and your husband feel there are safety issues, all visits should be when one or both of you are there.

If there’s no way to make peace or come to an agreement to get along for the sake of the family, the best case scenario is to live as far away as possible.

Blessings……

PS...Your wonderful father-in-law fell in love and married your husband’s mother. She gave birth and raised your husband. Why don’t you talk to both of them and find out what makes them love her? What are her good qualities?

SOMETHING TO PONDER – Wives and Husbands change, the divorce rate in the US is 49-50%....Our Mothers, Fathers remain the same.

Thank God that your husband is able to be supportive and proactive (my husband is just starting to do this in a less intense, but difficult situation). Have him help to set expectations and boundaries, such as the kids are only seen with their parents. I know it's hard, and will be harder when they are closer, but stay "busy", require calling before visiting and try to keep your head in a space where you can remember it's really her problem.

Good Luck!

S.

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Definately dont let your kids go there unacompanied by you. If she feels this way toward you, she will, at least, show it to your kids. At most, she will announce loudly and daily what ways you are a failure as a parent and wife. If she hasn't been able to get the proper response from you by attacking you personally, then she will start on you children. She has an illness that, untill it is cured, will always be festering and always have outbreaks. It's too bad for your FIL, but you can still socialize in a controlled environment.

Try confronting her with the sitsuation. Sounds like your husband was an only child and she is obsessed. Maybe time with the grandkids will help her see what beautiful children the two of you made and get over her jealousy.
Good Luck