E.M.
Sorry to hear things aren't turning out like you planned. The hard part about this is, you don't know what she's thinking. I think many of us (me included) are super protective about out children and it shows to our in-laws. I don't always agree with the way they did things when they were parents, or the way they interract with my kids now... but as my kids are getting older (6 and 4) I am realizing how important it is for them to have some personal time with the kids. The in-laws won't be in their lives forever and I want them to have some great memories of good times with them.
Face it, times have changed. They used to lay babies on the bench seat next to them in the front seat of the car and drive wherever. They used to follow the directions of doctors without question because they were the authority and no other info was easily available for research. We have technology at our fingertips, we have much better safety regulations, we have "back to sleep" recommendations and guidelines to follow for how to do just about everything. On top of that, I know I am very particular about making sure they do things the way I want them done. My father-in-law doesn't wear his seatbelt (on purpose) and they are often so caught up in the excitement about the kids that they aren't very aware of their surroundings (cars, strangers, etc). They forget the concerns that go with each age (chokables, sharp corners, etc) until an accident happens or we point out the danger because they have been basically removed from that stage in parenting for so long it takes reminders.
Being a grandparent must be difficult. They are not the parent, they are not incharge and they may not necessarily subscribe to or be aware of all the rules and expectations we have set. I think it must be a constant battle to "measure up" to our expectations and to follow all the rules we have. My MIL used to make comments that upset me because I felt like they were indicating my lack of ability to do things like she used to. However, in later years, I've realized that the comments were more to indicate that they weren't as uptight about things being perfect and slapped a PB&J together while chatting on the phone and rocking a baby. They weren't germaphobes and weren't tied to their cell phones. Their lives were more technologically simple and often less stressful. Our society has created multiple generations of stressbuckets!
Some grandparents are not comfortable with certain ages of kids. My father doesn't know what to do with them when they start to cry. My mother and MIL want to do things the way they did them, to do the things that worked for them. Try not to nit pick what they are doing. If the kid isn't in harms way, let them do it. If the baby cries because they don't like something and you know what it is, offer what has worked for you but don't tell them what to do. I think sometimes they feel intimidated and if you just go in another room and let them do their thing, they will really enjoy it. It took us some late night trial and error to figure some things out too.
My biggest control release issue was with my FIL taking the kids for a walk. Seems harmless, but he would take them by a pond and show them the ducks when they were 18 mo and 3 and it scared me to death. He always seemed so lax and dismissed my worries. This was also back when my youngest would cry and most of the time insist on me being the one to comfort her. We discussed the concerns about the water and how he planned to handle the kids and then I let him go. He was SO happy to finally be trusted. I could see a glow come over him when he came back triumphant with no crying and me left behind. It is hard for them to know they aren't in control and they have to beg you to trust them.
My in-laws often don't come to the birthday parties. I understand now, they feel like it is so chaotic and the kids are so stimulated that they won't notice if they aren't there. (not true, but that's how they feel) They would rather spend "quality" time with them with less people around and stretch out the birthday celebration. I don't agree with this approach because the kids indicate they feel bad that these grandparents don't show up, but I also realize that these grandparents don't enjoy lots of noise and chaos. They like clean tidy spaces with little commotion. They are working with their comfort zone and it's not my place to question that. I also think they feel like when the whole family is around, they are competing with my parents. Seems silly, but I can see that discomfort because they are very different types of people.
Good luck and try not to spend too much time looking for the bad reasons why someone does something. There may be legitimate reasons why they behave certain ways. Also, I do not tell the kids when something exciting is about to happen, like visitors or big events, till it is happening because someone gets sick, someone can't make it, or something else happens. Set expectations low and everyone will be estatic with the outcome.
Good luck.
Liz