Mommy Time

the only time I have time for myself is when my parents keep him so I can go out with a friend and as far as the guilt I don't think that I have ever not felt guilty. It is hard being a single mom.

I thought I'd share with you a blog I wrote a few months ago. I too have the same problems finding my own time and I do make sure I get a few hours a week to myself. Its important for you, and for your son.

The Paradox of the Single Mom
My ex-husband just announced that he's engaged. We're both happy to hear that, we like her. I just hope he doesn't screw this one up. His marriage to me, the marriage training ground for him, didn't go so well. Too much temptation when you work with all those twenty-something waitresses, I guess. "It just happened" was his excuse….countless times. He's still working in the restaurant business and the hours are still not really conducive to family life and having children. He often works 7 days a week, 15 hours a day...or so he says.

It dawned on me today, while I'm home nursing my daughter's probable Strep Throat which threatens to curtail any weekend plans I might be able to make, that he's got it pretty good. He's able to have a life outside of being a Dad. He's able to develop relationships with other people outside of the PTA and other various grade-school functions. In fact he has so much time that he's even able to develop a relationship into a marriage. At the same time he's able to say he's a “good Dad" even though he only sees her for a few hours on Saturday nights and the better part of Sunday, IF he hasn’t cancelled or no-showed. In his mind, if he loves her and pays child support, he’s a “good Dad.”

But, he doesn't have to wake up early every morning and make his daughter breakfast, run downstairs to the laundry room frantically searching for the Pink Kitty shirt that she HAS to wear that day, pack her lunch, make sure she has her backpack, her violin, has brushed her teeth and combed her hair and still somehow miraculously drive her to school just in time for the bell. He doesn't have to pick her up, make sure she gets her homework done, practices her violin, has a healthy snack, (after you discover she's already snuck some Halloween candy) and does her chores. He doesn't have to keep one ear open as she plays with the neighborhood kids, listen to the relentless whining "I'm bored" if said neighborhood kids are not around, make her a nutritious dinner and get her bathed and off to bed.

He doesn't need to run off a checklist in his head of all the accoutrements she must have before she can fall asleep; the glass of ice-water on the nightstand, her froggie sleeping mask, "Huggs" her stuffed dog, her squishy pillow and her favorite blanket. (We've gotten it narrowed down to just those few things). He doesn't get up in the middle of the night when she's sick, wipe her forehead with a cold cloth when she's burning up with fever, try to remain calm so she doesn’t know that you’re worried sick and listen to her whimper in her sleep from the pain of a sore throat. He doesn't forgo sleep himself when she has pneumonia in case she has an asthma attack and can’t breathe or spend time sitting on the bathroom floor when she's throwing up. He doesn't take her to the emergency room in a panic and wait for endless hours for all the various reasons kids usually go to the emergency room, to the endocrinologist, the allergy doc, the dentist and god forbid now, the orthodontist.

He doesn't take her shopping for new clothes every three months because she's grown another 2 inches. He doesn't console her when she's had a bad day at school or when someone makes fun of her or when she falls and skins her knee. But even when we were married, he was never there for these things.

The short time she's with her dad is the time where I get to let go of my full time mom duties and try to cultivate a life for myself outside of "mom." I'd like more time to cultivate this other “me.” The me that I'll be stuck with when she goes off to pave her own way in life. The me that would like to develop relationships and friendships with others outside of my "mom" world. I'd like to enjoy a night out without having to leave early to get the babysitter home or to pick her up at her dad's because she’s terrified of spending the night at his downtown loft. I'd like to be able to be out and not have to check my cell phone every 30 minutes… not be "on call" 24/7. I envy those who can go on a road trip at the drop of a hat, meet friends for a drink, and stay out late without a care other than how they're going to make it home. I miss those carefree days.

I don't like to say, "I have no life." I do have a life, a very full life. It’s just centered around my daughter because in reality, I'm the only one she can count on. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. I enjoy being a mom and being with her. She's really a unique child with a quick wit and a fairly centered outlook on life. She's inquisitive and active and keeps me on my toes. She showers me with artwork she's created in honor of me, she shares her secrets with me and we share a pretty good life together. And while I sometimes yearn for a life outside of that, I also know that my days as "Mommy" are numbered. There will definitely come a time where she'll be embarrassed to be seen with me, she'll have to rebel against something and shortly thereafter she'll be out living on her own and will have very little time for me. I dread that day.

So while I think, yes, my daughter’s dad, he's got it pretty good, I stop and realize…..he doesn't know what he's missing!

Not a single mom BUT I know how you can run away for a bit. YMCA. Sign up ASAP. Being single you can receive a discount. On Saturdays they have "Parents Time Out" you can drop off your kids for a fews hours while you do your running around or sitting around : ) And you kids will enjoy fun activities and games all age appropriate. YMCA is a great place for families of all sizes. No I dont work there, but iam a member. Check it out on the web.

Have you tried looking into any local mom's groups? I'm not a single mom, but have struggled with this myself. I recently joined a neighborhood moms group/playgroup, which will give me a chance to hang out with other women while having my son with me. Also, most groups can give you a list of babysitters, so that you can get a night away by yourself and know your son is taken care of.
Remember, a happy woman makes a better mom!
A.

It depends on age of the child and how much time you're wanting! It's difficult, no matter if you're single or married, to get time to yourself when they are young (under 4 or 5). They want their mommies too much! But for your own sanity you need time to yourself.

When I was a single mom my time to myself was after she went to bed. One night each weekend I'd rent a movie, call a friend on the phone and have a good girl chat, listen to music/read a book, or even do a 'spa night' with facial and pedicure. It revived me, and I wouldn't allow myself guilt about I could be doing laundry or dishes. Luckily (I guess) my daughter's dad is in the picture and she does 2-3 hour visitations 2-3 times a week. That's my time to have dinner with friends/run errands. If I didn't have that I'd be getting a babysitter every few months to have an outing as proof that I'm not just a mom!

Good luck
J.

I have the same question! I have no idea, because I always feel guilty. I feel guilty leaving him, and I feel guilty asking other people to watch him. I also have a little boy (2-years) his father isn't in the picture at all, and I work full-time. I have an awesome family, who is willing to watch him, but I feel like since I work full time, that any extra time I have should be soley devoted to my son. Let me know if you find any solutions! If you ever want to chat please feel free to send me a message, I'd love to hear from yoU!

Get the book WHAT EVERY MOTHER NEEDS TO KNOW you can get it from Barnes and Noble. It is terrific.. I am basically a single mommy..and at first it was SO HARD having time and feeling guilty. That book teaches us that in order to be the best moms we can..we have to treat ourselves as well. We have to help ourselves before we can help others. It gave me the courage to get out in the work force and back to school. I know it takes time away from my kiddo..but we will both gain from this. It's very important to step away for a few moments and clear your head. I have learned that you have to maintain yourself. You have to remember that you are not just a mommy but a woman as well. It will be sufficient to everyone if you are on top of your game and being all you can be...and that includes taking a break and having mommy time!

This is a hard thing but you just have to do it, you are a mom and that is your number one priority, but you are a person too. Getting some me time will make you a better mother and person in the long run. Do u have any friends or family willing to watch your son a little while. This can be something as simple as going to Walmart or shopping for necessities if nothing else while leaving him with some one else. Depends what you like to do, a few drinks with friends, etc.

Time to myself? What's that? LOL!! I don't know the answer, and I can't wait to find out too!

I am a single mom, and I live in "low income" housing, and the neighborhood is made up of mostly single mom's and dad's. We have developed a bond. We have a mom's and dad's night. This comprises of the kids at one house, and adults at the other. The houses chosen are always next door to each other and the older kids are always over 12. Also, you need to realize your a mom, not dead. It seems, harsh, or at worst, selfish, but it's not. a few nights a month, and you'll see that. My situation is the same with the dad. I love my "babies" 6, and 7, but I know the need and desire for adult interaction also. It's an easy compromise to compose your samity. You desreve it.

I'm married, but when my kids were babies, my husband worked nights, so it was like being single. He was awake and home during lunch, thats it. I got really depressed and the kids picked up on that and acted out as a result. I finally found a sitter to take them to for a few half days so it wasn't too expensive. I used that time to read, grocery shop, eat lunch with my sisters, anything that I enjoyed doing alone. Yeah, guilt ate me up, especally when my husband would make me feel like a bad mother because I wanted some time away from the kids. I still have occasional bouts of guilt about working part time at home, but I get over it.

Remember this: It is very hard to appreciate something that you never have a chance to miss! After only an hour or so, I start missing the kids and when I pick them up I feel refreshed and they are so happy to see me! In order to give them the best you have to offer, you need to recharge your batteries! THere have been times that I came home and took a nap!

I see it this way, there are 168 hours in a week, you may be sleeping some of it, but you are always "on call". Taking a night or afternoon off would mean about 4 hours away from the kids, that is less than 3% of your time. So 97% of your time is dedicated to your kids, working to feed them, cleaning house for them, playing with them, NEVER feel bad about giving yourself 2.3% of time for yourself.

It would depend on how old your child is I think. A great babysitter is always a blessing and even if you dont go anywhere but your own room to read a book or take a nap and let the sitter keep and play with your son while you are there...I am not a single mom but for the past 16 years my husband has gone to work at 2 pm and not gotten home until 2 or 4 am..so It was all me ..esp with my 15 yr old son. A good friend that you trust would be a great person to come play for a bit with your son too....if you are able to not visist with your friend so that you can go get reaquainted with yourself!( I usually prefer my friends company to my own!) I have a 15 yr old and a 16 month old( both boys)

I am not a single mom but my fiance often works out of town or nights and sometimes I dont see him for weeks at a time. I work full time as well and I can somewhat relate to your need of "me time". My daughter is only 9 months and she is a really good sleeper and always have been... I have always found time for "me" after I put her down (she goes to bed at 7:00 so it leaves me a couple of hours before I need to get to sleep) - I dont know how old your son is but I would just say take advantage of the times when he is sleeping... put chores off if you really need a break - read a book or do something creative! That always helps me out... Also... You can always see if your parents will watch him for a night so you can go out with your friends. You shouldnt feel guilty about that... everyone needs their own time to stay sane!! You son will understand :) Good luck!

I am an only/single mom.... so I understand exactly what you are feeling. My girls are 7 and 9, however, I have been dealing with this single mom syndrome since they were 2 and 4... All the advice you have gotten so far is right on the money.

Enforce bedtime. When they were younger, 8 PM was their bedtime. Sure, I didn't see them much from the time we got home from work/daycare til bedtime, but I made it more quality time. 8 PM... I got to be alone and do my own thing.

YMCA, I am a member... and it allows me to go and workout and do something good for myself, while they are having fun in the kids area. Every month they have a parent's night out where you can pay a mimimal fee and have the hours from 6 to 11 free.. and the kids are having fun. I also use the YMCA as my before and after school care. (This is the Earlywine/Greenbriar YMCA in South OKC) I have found it's MUCH cheaper than regular daycare, and the kids seem to have a lot more fun. Granted.. this is only for school aged children, but if your kids are not old enough, keep as a possibility.
Babysitter. I have a regular sitter that comes every Friday night. Luckily, my boyfriend helps pay for it, or else, I couldn't afford it and would never see him.
What I would like to find is a small group of mom's that are in the same position as we are to share babysitting and rotate.. so that we each could get one evening or day alone... I think that would be ideal.. I just haven't found it yet.

Good Luck.. I hope you can find some time for yourself.. and please don't feel guilty.. you need it in order to be a good and happy mom!!

C.
____@____.com

I belong to a playgroup with an exceptional network of connections. Not only are they willing to help out when I'm in a single-mom pinch, but there are regular opportunities for us to get together mom's only. Not sure of your area, but I welcome you to come see us and meet other mommies, some single, some married and a couple who co-habitat together.

if you have day care or a babysitter, take the day off of work and drop your baby off for a half day. go back to bed. pretend has hard as you can that you still are the person you were before the baby and take your time getting in the shower and having your morning coffee, or whatever. first and foremost...stop feeling guilty (easier said than done, I know) but i think it is very important for you to find time for yourself no matter what! you spend the majority of your time slaving for your child, but you have to remember to feed the slave, you. it does take time to stop feeling guilty. maybe start with just an hour trip to the store alone or whatever and work your way up to treating yourself to a whole free day.

B.,

I am in the same situation myself. I know where you're coming from, but the fact of the matter is, is that you need time to yourself, you need a little "ME" time and without that, it's virtually impossible to do it all on your own. I used to be the same way until about a year ago. My parents watch my son one night every weekend so I can go out with friends and have dinner or whatever. Before then, I was like a time bomb about to explode from all the stress and anxiety. It makes things alot easier and alot less stressful. After all, the father gets to do whatever he wants 24/7, why shouldn't you be allowed to do this for a couple of hours one night a week?? I hope this brings you a little peace of mind.

You may always feel guilty at first, but then you have to tell yourself that in order to be a good mother, you have to know who you are-and that means finding time to do things you liked to do before you had a child-otherwise, your unhappiness will reflect on your ability to have fun with your son. Believe me, after 3 boys(4 counting my husband), I am past the point of feeling guilty! Good luck to you!

Hi - I don't know how to do it without any guilt but I do know that when I really know that I need some time alone (and I think that you do know) I make sure that I get it because I know it will help me to be a better mom to my kids. When I hit that point I find that I am shorter with the kids, don't do as much with them as I normally would, etc. So I guess knowing that it isn't completely a selfish act (which is ok too) helps me to feel less guilty at least. Hope that helps a little.

D.

I have been wondering the same thing. I am slowly beginning to realize that we have to take a little time to ourselves in order not to lose us. I felt as though I went through an identity change when my children were born. It was like the old me went into witness protection or something. I am trying now every so often to take the kids to grandmas or leave them with a pal and have lunch with a girlfriend. Sometimes listening to her stories of dating and how she is getting older and still doesn't have kids makes me feel a little better about mine. Occassionally it's nice to sneak off for some mommy time. Don't feel guilty about going to get a pedicure or some R&R for yourself. Even Superman takes vacations! :) If you still feel guilty after leaving for the day maybe you can try my quick fix....I stop by the bookstore and by Gracie a book and cuddle and read with her when I get home.

I babysit my 13 month old nephew every Friday night so that my sister and her husband can have a date night. Every Saturday night my sister and her husband babysit my 17 month old son so that I can do something. They're not gone for more than three hours or so and I rarely am gone for more than two. This works for us. Perhaps you could find another single mom or sibling or grandparents willing to help you out in this way. Good luck!

You don't have to be single to feel this way. Just like a married couple having date night you should have one night a week where you can go out.

Now you should feel guilty IF your son is doing without so that you can go "party" and if it's more than one night a week or if you are bringing strangers home on a regular basis. But those things apply to all parents.

In my instance, my husband and I only have date night if we know that all our financial obligations have been met. We include giving money to the church and our sons' college fund. We only have one income and although we have "free" daycare because I'm home with the boys, well we can't always make ends meet and that means we sacrifice fun for practicality.