My Husband Turned into My Roomate!

I feel exactly the same as you but I don't have the husband to worry about and I have 3 boys. It's 5:30 am right now and I have been up since 5 with my 3 year old and I just wish I didn't have to be up. I love my boys and love spending time with them but sometimes I just feel like I need a break. I'm 29 and it would be nice to go out and do something that wasn't all about the kids. Sorry I can't help much but just so you know you are not alone.

have you read 'The 5 love languages'? It's a great book. It sounds like you're not getting the quality time you need to feel loved. Get a copy and see if you can get him to read it with you. It made a huge difference in my marriage.

He is not your room mate he is your husband. A marriage requires work, on both your parts.

KIDS...a non negotiable - they are there, work around them. No one to baby-sit? Can't afford a night out? What about a night in? Candles and a movie. That is a date. Sitting down and reading an inspirational book together, that is a date. Planning your future, that is a date. Catching up on the day, about how you FEEL, that is a date. Just being in each others arms watching TV or listening to music, that is a date. Spending just 30 mins a day on E. and (insert hubby's name here) is a DATE. You are married with kids. Life changes, either change with it or don't. The choice is up to you.

TIME TO YOURSELF - that is not selfish it is necessary. You need to find time to recharge. You need to "plug in" so that you can "give back". Lunch with a girlfriend, your fav movie, window shopping just for fun, anything that you like to do, just do it. Schedule it in EVERY WEEK.

ROUTINE- routine is FABULOUS! If you focus on making the routine work for you. I have been with my hubby for 22 years (I am 40) and we WORK at this marriage. We read books together and discuss them. Some are self help books, sometimes it's a history book, sometimes it a parenting book, whatever we need at that time, we read that book together. Discussing it on "date night". My kids know that after 10 PM - it is "our time". If they have stayed up later because it's the weekend or whatever (they are 10 and 14 now) they know they can't bother mom and dad. We have a family dinner every night. We have family night every Friday night. We attend church together every Sunday. It is a wonderful ROUTINE. AS for “being this every day” My goodness woman SNAP OUT OF IT! You are only 27, get it together, make a plan and stick with it.

Here is what my month looks like for my ROUTINE:
1st Friday of the month – Mediation walk at the Labyrinth.
1st Saturday of the month – Drum Circle at the Centre
2nd Saturday of the month – hanging with my sisters
3rd Sunday of the month – scrapbooking day with friends
4th Sunday of the month – vegetarian potluck with my meetup group.
And life is planned in between.

E., you get to choose every single day what your day will look like. If you just “let it” it will be whatever your environment chooses, but if you GO OUT AND GET IT it will be whatever YOU CHOOSE.

B.
Family Success Coach

I totally get it, I'm 27 too and got married young as well. I have been married for 7 years and hve to boys 4 and 2. I agree that it is really hard when you feel like you are stuck in a rut. We move alot so it is even harder when you don't know anyone. I love my husband and kids and appreciate my family but there are times when I wonder what my life would be if I took more time to myself to travel and be young before marriage.

At any rate their are some things you can, and should do to make it work for you. Some suggestions:

1) Join a local moms group, even if you work find one that meets on weekends so you and DH can meet other adults (of course the kids will benefit too). Have friends with kids over to your house for family movies, game nights or BBQ/Potlucks.

2) Find at least one night a month to enjoy yourself ALONE or with friends. I go scrapbooking or to the bookstore but a massage, a movie or a dinner and some wine with the gals are nice breaks too. Encourage your husband to do this as well. A night out with the guys is important also.

3)Have a date night. I know it's hard but your kids and your relationship will greatly suffer when you don't. It's hard when you are away from family but there are ways to make it work. We've used Sittercity.com or Care.com in the past. They offer prescreened people who have been verified and background checked. We had to interview about 6 before we found a person we liked but it was a life saver!

4) Have quiet time to yourself about 20 min a day. Squeeze it in, make it a priority. Even if you just watch a DVRd show or read or take an uninterrupted shower, take the time for yourself and have DH do the same.

5) Make a conscious effort to have a little couple time each night after the kids go to bed. Whether it's snuggling on the couch together, looking at silly net videos at the table together or sharing a bowl of ice cream, reconnect each day.

6) Don't under estimate the power of sex! Intimacy between the two of you will keep you connected and make you stronger so shave those legs baby!!

Hope this helps!! Make it your number one prioriy, a family with strong connected parents is a healthy one.

Sounds like you need your mojo back!!! Oh we've all been there. I was there not too long ago. Getting the mojo back is kinda fun. You have to just break out of the box and do something different. When the boys are sleep, you get all sexied up and go play with your husband. Get some wine, put on sexy music and start dancing in front of him. Heck, lift your shirt up ( I do that when we are arguing. Calms him down so I can get a word in - men are simple). Anyway, change your mindset and he'll follow. Do you have any girlfriends you can go out with? Get all cuted up (make sure he sees you looking all hot) and go out dancing. Let other guys check you out, just have fun with the girls. Be carefree and he'll snap out of his little rut also and sniff around you trying to see what's going on. Do you! Be you! Be who you know you are inside. Kids and a hubby aren't the death of us. Someone has got to snap out of it so you take that first leap!!!!

Date night is very important, but it can be done in many ways. My husband and I are expecting our 5 child any day now, and have no money to pay for babysitters. We do as another person mentioned, by sending the kiddos to their room at 8pm on the weekends, but it is for a "play night". They are allowed to stay up late in their rooms and play together while my husband and I get to spend time together watching a movie and/or playing games. The kids know that it's mommy daddy time together and it's also special to them too because they get to stay up late playing.

Another thing we try and do is to once a month or two, swap babysitting with another couple that has a lot of kids and no money. That way our kids get a fun "play date" and the parents get a couple of hours to go out to dinner or to a movie or even go on a "shopping date" without the kids. Yes, we do actually go on shopping dates, and have a really good time together doing it! It's amazing how fun even grocery shopping can be without the kiddos!

Wow, you just narrated my bio, except I just recently started changing my situation.

I've been staying home with my kids since June and am already going nuts! My hubby hasn't liked going out without the kids, but I've been more than ready to for the past 3 years. Finally I told him that I'm pretty much at the end of my rope, so we have our first official date night scheduled for this Saturday.

I used to also say, "I don't have anyone to watch the kids," but not anymore! I invested some time and money (if I recall, about $50) into joining SitterCity.com. There are SOOOOO many qualified and reliable sitters on there, and you can check their references. I interviewed about 10 total, and would use 90% of them, and you can run background checks, if not already done. I have started breaking in our sitter (and kids) slowly. The first time she watched them, I was gone for about 45 min (grocery shopping), then 2 hours (auto service), then 4 hours (hair appt and shopping for a new outfit for our date). This Sat we're going downtown, so it'll be about 5-6 hours. Just knowing that I have a big date night coming up has put me in a great mood for the past few weeks, and I really enjoy using some of my downtime to plan the date.

More than anything, your kids need to see the love and passion between their parents. We've started becoming more affectionate in front of our kids, and my older son loves it! He's constantly saying cute things like, "I want to marry you both! Mama, kiss me like you and daddy kiss! We all love each other! We're a family!"

My hubby also likes to veg out in front of the tv when he comes home, and I let him for a while...but some nights while he's lying on the couch, I'll just kneel down on the floor next to him and give him a few deep kisses--he gets the message and turns off the tv within 2 minutes. (Note--do not attempt if he's watching a game :) When I don't do this but still would like to "spend some time" together, I'm usually surprised how responsive he is to being awaken during the night for some quality time.

I guess the long and the short of this is, if you don't like your situation, change it. No more excuses!

I just answered another post begging the poster to make it work. Don't let your marriage slip away from you like I have. Set a weekly date night...even if it's in the basement after kids go to bed. Get a sitter and go somewhere if you can. Join a MOMS Club for adult interaction during the day...you bring the kids with you. Join a scrapbooking club...or start one where you meet once a week for 4 hours and scrapbook together. Don't let what happened to me happen to you (husband cheated on me)...it can happen to anyone...that much I know! I had the husband who was the most thoughtful, helpful husband...and he slept with another woman for 6 months when we had a 3 month old baby...it's my worst nightmare...after 18 years together that he would do this to his family. Now I'm in a position to choose to ruin my kids lives by getting divorced or ruin mine by staying with a person I can't trust.

This seems obvious..forgive me if I've missed something. Can't you get a sitter to go out with your hubby? Can't you & your hubby swap every Friday (or whatever night) so you can BOTH get out with your respective friends? Yes--you're in a trap, but don't keep yourself there!

You need to find a babysitter! Do you go to church? That is a good place to start looking for a nice teenage girl that the kids know. Ask some other moms you know who watches their kids and ask for names. Have the sitter come over some afternoon when the kids are awake and you need to "get some paperwork done" (it is a good time to do your taxes) and keep one ear on the kids while she is playing with them. Then when you leave the kids with her, it won't be so traumatic. Good luck. It is really easy once you leave them a few times. I was worried too, and I thought my kids had "special feelings" about being left with other people, but I just didn't do it enough. Once I did it a few times and saw that they were happy and interested in things that the babysitter did and played, etc. I realized that it is an enriching experience for them as well. You need it, you really do.

There is absolutley nothing wrong with wanting adult interaction! It keeps you sane. I stay at home and run a daycare up to 14 kids a day! It was the only way we could afford it as we have 4 kids! My husband works graveyard so I can totally get the feeling sd part! You should not fel guilty and go out. We go out out every other weekend 1 night to socialize with our friends. If you don't you will lose yourself! Try and find a licensed daycare in your area that will watch kids at night for your occasional night out! I do it for my parents! You need to get out it will make you feel so m,uch better! Keep yopur head up!

I have only been married 2 years with one 5 mo. old, but one thing I have learned in that short amount of time is that you have to take time away for yourself and time away together as a couple. It can't be family time all the time. And if you don't treat your marriage as a work in progress, the children suffer later when mom becomes bored and cranky. Not to mention your relationship with your husband suffers. "Date night" might sound cliche, but it works. Even if you think you have absolutely no one to watch the kids, there really are good caretakers out there 4 hire..Good luck!

I find that I get really cranky if I don't have any time to myself. Sometimes it doesn't even require more than 20 minutes to 1 hour to drive around (at my leisure) and get a few errands done (non-necessities, but rather things I want to do). I let my husband watch the baby for that short period. It doesn't happen everyday, but I can bring a lot more love, laughter and happiness to the table when I get that time alone. The conversation doesn't even have to go past "The boys are in bed, I'm going to run to CVS". Not getting time to yourself will make you feel all of those things that you described.

My second suggestion is to get rid of cable. I have been cable free for over 10 years now, my husband for 6 and neither of us miss it one bit - it's amazing how much of your life you can waste watching the boob-tube. I still watch a movie every now and then, but I sure get a lot more reading, learning and connecting done in its absence.

Cheer up. I think everyone goes through that. I am 41 and still going through it. My husband and I take turns. I mean sometimes he wants to party and I say leave me alone and sometimes I want a friend and he wants to sleep. We now take honest jabs at each other and laugh about it. It will get better, but in the meanwhile, go out with your friends if you have no one to watch the boys and let hubby take over. Take turns. Or...let go and leave the boys with a sitter for a few hours and go have a drink or do what makes you happy with hubby.

Hi E.,

My thought s are...If after 10 years you still love your husband and get along and are happy as a family, then you are doing better than a lot of couples. My advice to you is it is your resposibility to spice things up a bit to break that boredom you are feeling. Either do something for yourself (spa day, exercise, new outfit to get a reaction from hubby)or figure a way to do it for both you and your husband. It can't be impossible to find a good babysitter, (that more than anything could be your marriage saver) start slow but if there is a will,there is a way to get some alone time with your husband. There is a book called "1001 Ways to be Romantic" by Gregory J.P.Godek. It's tid bits of idea on things to do for each other. #514 reads...Familiarity breeds contempt,only if you let it! There are thousands of ways to keep your relationship fresh and new. #515 Do something sexy, do something sensitive. Do something creative. Get the idea...the book will give you a lot of ideas.If you get the book and start reading it don't be afrsid to let your husband share it with you. There are just as many ideas in the book for the man as well.

I hope you work through this. Best wishes to you.

C. D

No offense, but if working with children on the job is making you any less excited about your own boys, then please find another job! Your children need All your love and affection....
I love my children very much, but I don't love babysitting for others, nursery at church, etc., that is just not my thing, I am not gifted with other peoples children.
You aren't the only overworked mother out there. Keep your chin up, things will get easier!

You could try "stay in" dates, especially if the boys go to bed early and are pretty good about it. Have a nice candlelit dessert, chocolate fondue or something, or rent a movie you both want to see and snuggle in on the couch.

One thing that helped me was getting together with friends for a 1 night a month book club and every other week craft night, where we all just bring whatever craft we're working on and sit around and gab (mostly about the kids, but at least we're out of the house!). Sometimes its just something little like that that will help. Or even taking time to yourself and going to a coffee shop to read a book (or a bookstore coffee shop, like Borders) just to get out of the house. Good luck!

first off with ANY job, you need time off, it is a mental necessity, and being a wife and mother is a JOB. so get that through your head. S., you really think you're going to survive 18 years of childhood NEVER having a sitter watch the kids? unrealistic and UNFAIR to you! get on it! there are agencies, the YMCA, there ARE places to find a sitter, if you have no friends or family you trust. make it a commitment to FIND ONE, because sister, you WILL have to have time away from them eventually. don't feel guilty - just do it! i don't know why sometimes sahm's seem to think that they have to be with their kids 100% of the time. it can't be good for your mental state! lol! accept some help girl - ask for it, we all need it occasionally. and then YES - DATE NIGHT! hang in there - like someone said after 10 years you're doing better than a lot of couples. you can do this!

Hello E.,

I am sorry to hear about your sister. I am sure you are feeling a little lonely without her.
Why not go out for a Starbucks? Bring a treat back for hubby. You can bring a movie to watch after kids go to bed.... When our kids were little, I would prepare a special dinner after kids in bed and had a nice night with my husband. Going on dates is really important.

When my kids were little, I joined the local Moms Club. Eventually, I was in a playgroup with the same age as my kids and we kid swapped babysitting services. It not only gave your child a playdate for a few hours, but also gave my husband and I a chance to bond again. How about a breakfast or lunch date? Why not go to your husband's work and surprise him with cookies for his office? There are many caring things you may do for yourself that honors your husband too. He will want to come up stairs into the bedroom instead of watching TV.... give him something "better" to do than be on the couch!!!

Have you read a book in bed together? Terri Blackstock has amazing book selections and my husband loved them. It's by a christian author. Lots of suspense and family values!
You are young... what do you want out of your life? Now is the time to to all the things you want your family to experience. A bond between you and your husband...

Best of luck to you,
M.

You must have a date night with your husband! Everyone needs alone time with their spouse and no one should feel guilty about that. Date nights are good not only for you and your husband, but for the kids as well. Stop making excuses about not having a sitter. Find a sitter. Ask neighbors, moms of the kids in your class, other teachers. You need to have at least one date night a month. Even if it's just to have dinner and arrive home after the kids are in bed. If you are stressed out at 27 it's will only get worse if you don't get out. You really aren't doing your kids any favors by being there all of time. Kids are generally better at handling situations outside of the home, if they have interactions with more people than just mom and dad. Never feel guilty about going out together, it is healthy and you will come back the next morning better than ever! You won't believe how you look at things the next day after having a fun night out with your husband.

Ummm. Ever consider that your husband feels like you don't have time for him, or that he's tired from watching you?
You are so lucky to be able to be a stay at home mom!!! I envy that. Well, if your husband is sleeping at home every day, you at least know where he is, and where he isn't.
Here's a little something I have done when I'm feeling frisky and he's sawing zzzs.
You're wide awake, sneek in. Use your hand to wake his other self up, once that guy is awake you should have no trouble cinvincing the rest of his body to participate.
And.... maybe you can find a friend to swap date nights and baby sitting with. Brake from the routine.

You've received a lot of great responses! I have to agree with Kate when she said "More than anything, your kids need to see the love and passion between their parents." Your boys are looking to your relationship to learn how to be husbands... they also need to see your love and affection for each other to feel secure. My husband and I try to get a date night in every other month and we alternate the planning so he gets to be involved too!

Good morning!:D I know what your talking about. I've been there. I experienced a similar situation a few years back, okay 7 years back. I did get a babysitter (my parents moved here to help us)My husband and I got out once a week, then twice a week. Then it turned into more. We were not focusing on what mattered most. The Boys(we have three boys).Friend,Focus FIRST on GOD, then all else will fall in place.

Go to sittercity.com, find yourself a babysitter for once a week or once ever two weeks and go out with your husband. My husband is in his late 30s and I am 29. We have a 3 year old and I am expecting another baby now. I am the kind of person that thought of married life with kids in exactly the tone you are describing - lots of at home time. My husband insisted that we go out - we fought about it constantly. Finally, I gave in and we got a babysitter for every Friday night. I can't tell you what that did for me: I became a new person.
The most important piece of this is that my relationship with my husband was so much stronger. SO much HAPPIER - we laughed and had a good time without it revolving around "kid stuff". You will also be amazed what it can do for you the rest of the week - you feel refreshed and ready to approach the stress in your life from a much more positive prospective.
As for the guilt...this is something everyone has to learn to let go of in their own way. I felt SO guilty the first few times we went out, but then I remembered that when I was growing up my parents did things: went to parties or friend's houses while we had babysitters (not every week, but certainly a few times a month) and it didn't make me feel like they didn't love me or they didn't care...my dad traveled a lot for work and couldn't be home as much as he would've liked and yet we are SUPER close...I never even thought about his being gone until now, when I have kids of my own! He was just MY DAD and I loved him. Your kids will feel the same way - and if you make this a regular thing, it will be part of the routine and the kids will just expect it - they know that on Friday nights mom and dad go out together. There are 7 days in a week...you are taking several hours in ONE of those days--do it!
I have used Sittercity to find babysitters and have had great success, but I have also used family members, friends etc to babysit. Just thank them life crazy, tell them what a difference it makes in your life and they will be happy to do it again :) Also, do a return favor as often as you can.
Anyway, best of luck!!!!!

this happens a lot in marraige.. it gets routine.. you have to work at marraige and work at being with the hubby. save some money.. put it aside.. then make a date night.. find a babysitter.. or a friend to watch the kids for a few hours.. even if you can only go to a place like TGI Fridays.. or for a pizza and a beer.. just to sit with the hubby for a few hours.. and then when you get home..continue into the bedroom... tell him you want to have fun after dinner too!!! hopefully the kids are asleep when you get home but if not.. put them to sleep.. close your door.. and have some fun.. light some candles.. and relax.. ......

Wow, a lot of really great answers here. Not sure if one more will help, but here I go anyway. First of all, you are not being selfish to want some time to yourself and your husband, away from kids. I have a friend who nanny's, has a little boy and is expecting her second. Nannying all day means that she gets home, and LOVES her son, but has set an early bedtime for him so that she can have some time just to herself and her husband; adults only time. (She is getting ready to start looking for a different job.)

Secondly, after all that has happened, wow! It is no wonder you feel like you've lost the spark. I am SO sorry about your sister! In the midst off all that is happening, feeling romantic and alive and fun is hard.

Have you talked to your husband about evening time? Why are you in the bedroom, while he watches TV? It is really important to do things together; and I don't mean that you have to do the same things all the time, but while he is watching TV, you could be sitting next to him reading a book, or scrapbooking, or whatever it is that you like to do! Sometimes the two of you should sit next to each other on the couch and watch a dvd. Ask if he can brush your hair; you can give him a shoulder rub, or just hold his knee (guys like it when you hold their knee and run your fingers up and down their leg).

Wanting to spend time with your husband and not your sons once in a while is not wrong. You married your man because you like him, right? Once a month, have a date night. Whether there is a friend you can exchange free babysitting with, or whether your kids get to stay up late one night in their room (see Rebecca H. below), spend time together. Have a date night twice a month, or once a week, if needed! Just spend quality one-on-one time together. And COMMUNICATE! I don't know if you have talked with your sweetheart about all of this, but open up and do so. No one is a mind reader, and he may not know you feel like this. In fact, you might discover that he feels the same way!

For yourself, take the time to have a bubble bath, or ask your husband if he can watch the kids one evening and you go hang out with some friends, or just go on a solo shopping trip. Heck, make it a Saturday event; save your shopping so that when you do go, you can be gone for hours, and then make it a special event. Take the time to browse through your favorite aisles (even if you don't buy anything from them). Get yourself a special coffee, or a shake, or go out for lunch. I do this a couple times a year (the Saturday shopping trip), and by the time I get home I feel so refreshed!

Are you a Christian? If so, make time to focus on God and read His word, go to Church on Sunday and interact with others who believe as you do. Talk to God continuously, as if you were talking on the phone to a close friend (which is how God wants us to view Him anyway). You would be amazed how a close and intimate relationship with God makes everything else right and fall into place.

Hope everything works out!

God bless!
M.

Don't worry, you are DEFINITELY not the only one in the world to feel this way. I think a lot of Moms, especially those that do stay home full or part-time, feel they are in a continuous cycle. The first thing I would really encourage you to do is find a babysitter. Or, if you just aren't comfortable w/ that, what about swapping with another Mom you know? I've done that w/ my friends so that we could have a night out and not also have to pay a sitter. It works great and then the other couple gets a night out too (in the future, b/c you watch their kids). As far as finding a sitter, I prefer someone in college while my kids are still young, and I just started asking around other Moms that I knew had sitters. Usually they are always looking for other families. For the first time, you can have her come over while you are there, kind of like a "mother's helper", she entertains & plays w/ the kids in one part of the house while you're in another.

Also, I'd encourage you to schedule a "Mom's Night Out" at least once a month. If you don't know any other Moms that stay home full or part-time, meet some! There are lots of great organizations that help Moms like you connect with others. I'm in two GREAT groups, and you can find them locally: www.mopsinternational.org, or www.momsclub.org

Good luck & know you are not alone-
Jenny

E.,

First of all, if you need time off you have to let yourself not feel guilty. Your kids will survive and usually everyone is happier if you take a little time for yourself and come back excited to spend time with them:).

My husband and I had to sort through what the household responsibilities were before he honestly started helping me with some. I found out he was just as frustrated he wasn't spending time with me and we made a list of what HAD to be done nightly. I compromised on some of what really didn't have to be done and he now takes about a half hour to help me clean. We usually get at least a half hour to wind down together, which has helped a bit. I also designated certain days in the week to do one major task each day and it has helped me divide and conquer.

We also have date nights every week. We don't have money for a sitter every week so we make dinner for the kids and then put the kids down for bed at 8. Then it's our time. We make dinner together or order take out. The computers go off and the TV only comes on if we both agree there is something we really want to watch (we don't just flip). Since we started doing that, it has given us a good time to focus on each other and talk about whatever we needed to discuss.

We live away from all family (about 1000 miles) and close friends so I started truly meeting some girls in our church and after a few supervised visits did let them watch the kids for a little bit of time (like less than an hour when they were sleeping) to gradually more time. That has helped so much and even after an hour at Starbucks I feel like a lot happier and relaxed mom.

As far as the job, maybe you can look for a part-time job not involving kids. Even an administrative job at the school may be better at this stage in life than what you are doing and it may make you feel more refreshed.

A few other ideas that have worked for us:

I have a women's group through my church I attend every Wednesday. It's all mom's and young women between 25 and 35 and it's nice to look forward to every week.

Saturday mornings I work on projects and do web development part time so my husband has daddy time with the kids. I may be home a lot of the time, but usually stay out of the way and he doesn't ask me to get involved. The kids love having time to play with daddy and I am a lot happier in the afternoon when I rejoin them. Plus they all miss me and it's nice to be a little missed, especially when you're the one at home all the time.

Hang in there and maybe try one thing at at a time. Discuss with your husband what you're feeling and I bet he'll have some ideas too. Good luck!

You are not the first to feel this way. First, look for someone you trust to babysit. Then plan to go out with your husband at least once a month, more if you can swing it. And on nights when you're at home and the kids are in bed, go and sit with your husband to watch tv or put on something sexy and entice him into the bedroom. I have four children and so I understand your difficulty in finding adult time. Every so often get a sitter during the day just so that you can run errands or just be alone at home for a couple hours. It will help you recharge. And don't feel bad about it. If you've given all and don't recharge, you won't be able to do what you need to because you'll have nothing left to give. Plus it will help with the crankiness.

I married my husband when I was 32 and now I'm 37 and have moved out THREE times so far because of feelings EXACTLY like yours. It hasn't and won't get better for me, it's the way it is. I hope things get better for you. I don't have advice but do feel your pain.
J. B.
Work At Home Mamapreneur
877-216-1940

I know how you feel! Do you have any friends that you could take a night to go out with once every couple months? My friend and I are both stay at home moms. I'm 32, and have been a stay at home mom for almost 7 years now. I used to be head bartender at the largest club in a tri state area, so I KNOW how it feels to feel like you have lost who you are due to lack of social life. I try to go out once every 2-3 months with just girls. It really really helps! We meet at 7 or 8, and are home by 1 in the morning, and then my husband gets up with the kids. I'm able to get enough sleep that I don't feel run down the next day since we don't stay out too late. You have to make sure you are taking care of your needs. As far as your husband goes, my husband can be that way too, but I am sure to make it a point to go sit by him and put my hand on his leg or whatever just to have some interaction between us. It's not unusual to feel the spark is gone, especially when there are kids involved. Marriage isn't all about the spark though. The spark may come and go, but marriage is about honesty, devotion, and deep love for one another. My husband and I sometimes have to be like "man, we haven't had sex for almost a week! We better get on that!" I mean, sure, romance takes a backseat when you're a parent at times, but that's okay as long as it's okay with both of you.

Hi E.,

My husband and I were together many years (23) before our daughter joined our family. After she was born we made a committment to go away together at least 1 weekend a year for some time to just be ourselves. And we may fall asleep with the TV and talk about our daughter there is also the time to spend going out to dinner and spendig time without the little one needing something every 5 minutes. We are fortunate and Grandma will gladly take her for the weekend. I think it is good for her to have time away from us and it is for us to have time away from her. I love her with all my heart but there is a bit of independence she gets staying at Grandma's and not in her own room.

Hope this helps and good luck,
G.

I really feel like this is a "normal" thing that most marriages go through. In part, the stress of moving, losing a job, and the death in the family has, of course, added to this. I am going through sort of the same thing and have actually said to many people that it feels like my husband and I are just roommates. We love each other dearly, but stress from my husbands military retirement, a stressful move, and the very stressful serious drug addiction of our youngest son added to this-(now I need to say that are situation is different than yours as my husband and I have been married for 35 years (we married very young at 16 and 19 yrs old) and have three grown children and 1 grandchild) but at my age of 52, I still feel too young to not have a good sexual and romantic relationship with my husband. (he has been to the dr. and there is No medical reason for this-our problem has been going on for over 4 yrs now).
In your case, I do believe that things will work themselves out if you make the time to have a "date" with each other at least two or three times a month. For the sake of your relationship, I do believe this is very important. Communication about this with each other is important, also. All marriages go through rough spots where you can get into a "rut". It is so important in any marriage to make time for each other to keep the relationship strong.

Updated

I really feel like this is a "normal" thing that most marriages go through. In part, the stress of moving, losing a job, and the death in the family has, of course, added to this. I am going through sort of the same thing and have actually said to many people that it feels like my husband and I are just roommates. We love each other dearly, but stress from my husbands military retirement, a stressful move, and the very stressful serious drug addiction of our youngest son added to this-(now I need to say that are situation is different than yours as my husband and I have been married for 35 years (we married very young at 16 and 19 yrs old) and have three grown children and 1 grandchild) but at my age of 52, I still feel too young to not have a good sexual and romantic relationship with my husband. (he has been to the dr. and there is No medical reason for this-our problem has been going on for over 4 yrs now).
In your case, I do believe that things will work themselves out if you make the time to have a "date" with each other at least two or three times a month. For the sake of your relationship, I do believe this is very important. Communication about this with each other is important, also. All marriages go through rough spots where you can get into a "rut". It is so important in any marriage to make time for each other to keep the relationship strong.

Oh Girl! What your feeling is completely normal!! You DO need some you time, and time with your hubby!! I am 27 too, still feel pretty young, I am def not ready to give up my social life anytime soon. You need to do all of these things, but not having a babysitter you can trust puts a huge damper on things! If you can work that out, that would be great!! My kids go to bed at 8pm too, and that is my me time. I can run to the store and get out and do things, I can go workout, anything I want. Sometimes hubby and I watch a movie. Maybe get a movie and watch it after the kids go to bed and cuddle with hubby and who knows where that will lead....lol. Even if you dont have a babysitter, you and your hubby could do special things on the weekends at home when the kids go to bed. But like I said, finding a babysitter you can trust is key. Luckily my parents are close so we do go out a couple times a month and have fun! Good luck! Been there, done that! Im not giving it up yet! =)

I got married at 17 and we had our first child less the 48 hours later. It wasn't exactly planned that way, but my mom had to sign our marrage papers and it took up almost 7 months to talk her into signing them.

We have been married for 15 years now & I'm expecting our 5th child in July... I keep being told that my stress level would be lower if I was to have a date with my hubby now and then. Which is hard because we have a 15 yr old likes older boys, a 5 yr old with arthritis, a 4 yr old that gets into everything and a 2 yr old, so trying to find someone to trust to want them can be every hard - sorry don't trust the 15 yr old with the little ones by herself. So, yes live is family & only family - lol we went out for our anniv. last October by going to The Wild Thing with the 3 younger ones... it was nice thought - they were really good for the movie.

But since I lost my job in July... things have gotten really tight around here... unemployment doesn't go very far with a family our size, but we make due. Just no extras. The kids are in bed by 8 or 9 every night. I usually fall asleep on the couch, because I can't sleep in the bed without waking up in pain and we can't afford a new matteress. But we do try to watch our shows together every night, then he talks to people or plays games on the computer till he heads to bed.

I can understand your feelings...sometimes it is hard when you put yourself into your family totaly & sometimes you feel like you are lost. A few months ago I started going out one a month for brunch with my sister, mom & grandma. It's nice to step away & talk to them. I may only be gone for an hour or two, but that hour or two is my time... time I don't need to worry about everything at home & has helped me out a ton.

I hope you are able to find a way to get away for a little while & relax a little.

You're not alone. : )

I'm only a couple of years older and only have one little girl but ever since she was born I have felt the same way. My husband and I have been out together twice and that was over a year ago! We just moved and don't know anyone to babysit and have no family nearby. I also feel sad, bored and alone. I'm sure things will change and I'm sure we'll both snap out of it but yes, I know exactly how you feel! We're going to San Diego to take our daughter to see Shamu for her third birthday in April and my husband invited our mother in law so now even that won't be our time! Ugh! So, I think it's a normal phase of parenting and it will change as the kids get older so we both just have to hang in there! Don't give up!

YOU TOTALLY NEED A DATE NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! It's totally normal to want alone time with your spouse and to get out of the house on a date (dinner and a movie, etc.).
Don't feel guilty. Before I had children I thought it was so sad when parents would "leave" their kids with a sitter to go out and have fun. This is what I've learned from 10 years of marriage and two toddlers, YOU NEED TO COURT YOUR SPOUSE AND REKINDLE THAT FLAME. There is nothing wrong with how you feel and in fact, you NEED to communicate with your spouse how you feel. Breaking the routine is good for your marriage. Ask a relative or someone you trust to watch your children. Believe me, even 2 hours, where you get dressed up, have a nice adult dinner, hold hands, and talk goes a long way for your marriage. Pray for your spouse and with your spouse...this communication with God and with your spouse really brings spiritual intimacy into the marriage that is amazing and will keep your marriage strong. You can still have fun, you just need to trust your sitter, or you can even go out later, when they are already in bed!!! If they go to bed at 8pm, for example, you can leave them asleep with the sitter and then enjoy a few hours with your spouse. Do it! You'll feel so blessed to "date" your spouse again. Even if it's one hour for coffee, it will help break up your routine. God bless, Mom from Ontario

Okay E., it's time to stop getting in your own way. What you are doing is crazy-making. Even the best of moms need to have time alone with their husbands on a regular basis and a girl's night out every once in a while. Even signing yourself up for an evening special interest class like yoga, cooking, photography, whatever, would do you a world of good right now.

I know that the idea of leaving your children with a babysitter can be a bit scary if you have never done it before but there are some really great babysitters out there who would really love to make a little extra money. Start asking your friends and neighbors for referrals and interviewing potential sitters. The first time you use her, hire her to watch the kids while you get something down the house so that you can be there to watch her in action. The second time you use her, go to the store for a bit and come back. By this time, you should start feeling more comfortable with her and should be able to increase your time away each time. I've gotten some of the best babysitters through referrals from friends -- college students usually majoring in something kid-friendly like education, social work or occupational therapy.

Anyway, what you need is more balance right now and that's going to require balancing out your fun adult side with your fun mom side. And, believe me, there is no fun mom side without the fun adult side. Instead of focusing on the problem, shift your focus to the solution and trust that if you give up a little bit of control and nuture the woman in you that existed before you had kids, all will be well once again. It's all about balance.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi E.,
I bet you felt a little better after writing this. Sometimes just letting it out works wonders. You are more then normal. I am now 51 with daughters in their 20's. I so remember the days of feeling the same way. Taking some personal time for yourself and with your husband is not selfish at all in my opinion. Matter of fact it is the best thing for your family because they see you taking care of yourself and your marriage. Believe me, as they grow up they will realize that and thank you for it! Just everything in moderation!

I know you don't want to hear this while in the midst of what you are going through but enjoy and savor every frustrating minute while they are young. They grow up and off sooooo soon!! then you'll be especially happy that you kept those "dates" with you husband!

Best to you and yours

Beth

Hi, I haven't read every response so please forgive duplication. Can you find another mom in the same boat, and arrange to swap babysitting? When I lived in Holland Michigan there was the Newcomers Club, and one of the best features was that we swapped babysitting. There was a date night once a month (sin-ups inadvance, for planning purposes of course) and all the kids went to one home and were watched by those parents, and the other parents got to go out. Even just for a couple hours, it was good. plus there were many other swaps arranged. You'll need sitters eventually. Ask at your school--do any staffers have teens who could sit?

Good luck

K. Z.

You are not alone! I am going on 40 have a 2yr old and a 17yr old. I know what was I thinking????? I love my family but with all of the daily stresses plus family and financial, it does take a toll on a marriage and you. I just got done telling my husband we need to have a date night. It is hard to do that when he works nights and is working 6 days a week. I feel bad complaining because we need the money and he is working so hard to help but I work from home 40+ hours a week, take care of our son, the bills, cooking, running errands, taking care of the kids and running them around, my mom and sister to do their stuff (my mom has dementia and osteo arthritis and cannot do things herself anymore and my sister has a mental disability due to having so many seizures growing up and no oxygen to the brain)and finally my hubby. It does take a toll. I do not want to be the home wife etc (no offense, it takes a lot to do it and it is not for me) So in closing, I can totally relate.

You need to take time for yourself. I know you will feeel guilty the first few times, but if you don't take care of yourself no one else will.
We women buckle down and do what needs to be done. We suck it up. STOP and think! Would you fault your husband if he said he wanted to go get his hair cut at the barber shop or take the car to get it worked on with his buddies even if it really didn't need the work? Nope becasue we expect that from guys. You need to take care of yourself. Do youhave some girlfriends that you could go hang out with. Is there a clay cafe where you live? On The 3rd Thusday of every month they do a ladies night. You get dinner and you paint pottery. Sounds a bit weird but it is fun, relaxing, and a great way to spend time with other women. My friends and I did this for my brthday last month and now we are starting to get together once a month just us ladies. I may sound selfish, but women have to ask for the time no ones going to say" wow you made a great dinner, washed the dishes, helped the kids with homework, cleaned up the house, and cleaned the bathroom why don't you go relax and take some time for yourself" You have to ask for the time!!!

E., You need several different things. The first is to get some "you" time. It doesn't have to be big and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money but you need some time for yourself. Pick one night a week and join a book club, or a knitting club or a bowling team if you can afford it. But get into something that gets you out of the house occasionally. Join a young mothers club at the church. If yours doesn't have one start one. Loving your family doesn't mean that you stop being a person and needing the interaction of other adults. I love my family. But if I hadn't done something for myself I would have went crazy a long time ago. Is there any other young families in your neighborhood that you could start a babysitting coop? See if you can round up a couple other families that would like a night out without paying a sitter. Take turns caring for each others kids. When our kids were little we had 4 couples. we did everything togther. got married, had babies etc. we played cards and games when the kids were really little and then watched each others kids so we could do stuff alone. Get back out into the world and be a fun girl again. There is nothing wrong with that. And if having a date means putting the kids to bed early then do that. Have a date night at home with your husband. rent a good movie and order a pizza after the kids are in bed. good luck

I think all Moms have felt like that to varying degrees of 1 through ten. Me included. Me recently. Me sometimes everyday especially when PMS'ing.
LOL

I think, NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG FOR WANTING TIME AWAY WITHOUT KIDS.
Repeat that. You are NOT wrong for that.
I think, you need it.
Do not feel "guilty" about it.

Next, and I have to give my Hubby credit for this one... but he said that kids NEED to learn that even though we are "parents" they HAVE to learn that we are "adults" too... AND that we don't revolve around them like a satellite every single second of every single day. AND... kids just have to realize that... that their Parents are a COUPLE too... and that "Mommy" has other things too... to enjoy and just to go places by herself. (lol, not that I have a lot of chances to go anywhere "by myself" but at least Hubby knows that). Or else I get real GRUMPY!
So essentially, the "kids" are 2nd sometimes... and if the kids are to have "happy" parents... then we must do what we 'need' to do, or are able to do to help ourselves be happy.

Next, my reality is, I often don't get away for just some respite on my own. But it helps, that my Hubby can tell when I do need to get away.... and sometimes he will even help push me out the door... because I don't like leaving the kids/him without "my" help. LOL But if I do not get away... for myself, then I become a real grumpy thing.

So, I would recommend.. to TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND about it. AND... depending on how old your kids are... you ALL sit down, REGULARLY... for some "family meeting" and talk about what Mommy needs to do or hopes to do, what you both need to do as a pair, what you ALL need to do as part of a family and how the kids can help... and make it "fun" together to have these "family meetings." That is what we do. It teaches the kids about processing things and how to problem solve or just to talk about their day/week. The point is EVERYONE IS A "PART" of the home.... and everyone is busy and so everyone should help. AND, Mommy needs time off too. Which is nothing to feel guilty about.
No sense Mommy being a martyr and grumpy.

I too try not to grumble and that this is just life and everyone does it and work/clean/parent... but, we all need to vent and do something about it too.

really, talking about it with Hubby and sitting down with the whole family...with the kids, can help immeasurably. IF the meetings or gathering time is made fun/positive/helpful and not just a bitching time or pointing fingers of scolding the kids or each other. LOL
It should be something to look forward to.

All the best,
Susan

Erica,

I am sure you have had tons of responses, and I share your sentiments and you are plain old tired and nothing wrong in wanting to breathe and run away for some time. If you could go on a trip together or a kid friendly area where they offer babysitting services, you could probably get the time with your husband you crave OR if the time is with yourself, leave your husband at home with the boys and book a hotel close by for just YOU and chill out there and don't feel guilty.