Mommy Has Toddler Blues!!

Oh man, I totally feel for you. That sounds so hard. I would be going completely nuts! Try taking a long walk outside every day - tire that girl out! I know you don't want to hear it but I would be tempted to put her back in diapers. Cleaning up so many messes all day for months...maybe up to a year...would be completely exhausting!

Believe me, I struggle with getting anything clean or organized with young kids in the house! You're not alone! These are very challenging years, and you need to find a way to get a little break from the kids once in a while. It's exhausting, and it's ok to admit that, and to find ways to ease the burden.

Also, if you can bundle them up and just go outside for a little bit (in a stroller?), that might help. Might be too cold in Indiana in January...

Help your older one know what is expected of her by saying 'ok, in a few minutes it's going to be time for nap, lunch, clean up, etc. I agree that she should help clean up her own messes. She is being stubborn, and she has to understand that will have consequences for her too. You mentioned that she will not keep a diaper on - I had a little one who went through a phase like that, and we took to duct taping her diaper on (not touching skin, of course, just over top of the diaper closure itself). It made it impossible for her to remove, and soon she lost interest. Clothes that close in the back are also helpful. I would ease up on the potty training until she gets past this episode and becomes a little more verbal and reasonable.

Finding another mom to trade a few hours of 'break-time' with every week would be a big help. Hang in there, and try to rise above her power struggle.

Oh, and watch Harvey Karp's 'The Happiest Toddler on the Block' - he has excellent advice there! Let me know if you have trouble finding a copy...

As for the note about 'how to discipline' her...punishments are not going to work at this age, and could easily get out of hand. Planned activities, less 'free play' time, your positive energy, and being more clever than she is and anticipating her next move - that's what you need to stay a step ahead of this game.

OK, for starters, it sounds like your daughter is stress peeing. She is only 25 months old. Kids under stress will pee themselves till they are 4. So, instead of seeing what she is doing as being "bad," please see it as developmentally appropriate. So when she pees on the carpet when in trouble, just help her to clean it up, and clean her up, and remind her where her pee goes.

You also need to figure out a way to keep the bathroom door open so she can use the toilet! Buy safeties, but you are going to have to give your children some independence here, and teach them how to approach things. And I highly suggest you never show any emotion when they do something wrong. She is only 25 month old. At this age, they don't really "get in trouble." They need a gentle, guiding hand. If you expect more or approach it harshly, you will get a kid that causes trouble for attention.

I so messed up with my oldest --21 months apart, living nightmare when oldest was 2! 2 year olds need very little discipline. They listen much better when you just calmly tell them why they can't do something. For serious crimes, putting them in a short bedroom TO works great, but don't really expect it to work until she is closer to 3. 2 year olds don't listen, they need you to get down to their level and lovingly remind them of things.

I do get how frustrating it can be, and it sounds to me like your oldest is doing a lot of things for attention. Somehow you need to break this cycle. Instead of seeing her as creating problems and not listen, please try to see a confused 2 year old that just doesn't know what to do.

I have no advice on the potty training. I was one who finally "gave up" when my son was uncooperative. Took a break for a month or two and came back to it. It truly saved my sanity. BUt I resisted for a long time, so I can completely understand where you are coming from in that regard.

For the sheets, my four year still isn't totally night time potty trained (Much to my frustration and disappointment). I have learned to double sheet her bed. I have a waterproof sheet on her bed a sheet, then another waterproof sheet and the regular sheet. Now, I still have to wash everything immediately, so the house doesn't reek, but with the double layering I don't have to make the bed every day...it gives me a bit of a break.

As for the "into everything". I can totally relate. Both of my kiddos were like this, but my youngest was by far the worst! She was a climber. She was into everything. We changed some things to help save everyone's sanity and keep the kids safe. These changes were not always ideal, but they worked and for the most part, were temporary.

We locked doors. For a while her bedroom was the only thing left unlocked. It was a hassle, but it beat a mess being everywhere for sure!

We have a great room, there is no way to keep the kids out of the kitchen. So we modified the kitchen. Kid locks on all the cabinets (we went through two or three brands before we found one she couldn't get into). I made a few spots accessible to her. We put tupperware in a drawer and dish towels in another. The kids could plunder and play until their hearts content. Yes, it meant washing any plastic ware before use, but I was ok with that.

There were days, where I literally dragged the dinning room chairs to the back porch. Just to have a day or two where she wasn't climbing on the table. Our bar stools had to get temporarily moved to our bedroom. (Hubby was concerned the weather would warp them in the garage or outside). We couldn't keep the kids off and found them on the counter walking around...not safe.

We also learned to keep our kids busy. Productive kids are usually behaving kids. I had some "go to" activities and "go to" places to go. Sometimes it was as simple as a walk down the street pulling the wagon looking for "treasures". Play dough was a life saver. At that age we'd give them one of the small party tubs and let them go to town. Glue. A bottle of glue and pasta or cotton balls or paper bits...could occupy a kid for a while. Have a "stash" ready to go. We also included our kids when we could. When I cleaned the bathroom, my kids would get baby wipes to use to "help" clean. My daughter still likes to "help", you just have to get a little creative, so that you are not working around the kids too much.

I would encourage you to continue with time outs. It will take a while for her to "get it". There will be days where she will wail and days she will act like she doesn't cake. Make the spot some place where you can see and watch her, but she can't participate or see the tv. Stick to it and eventually it will make sense, but it does take time.

Hang in there mama!

I only have one child but hope I can help. When it comes to cleaning, I've learned to "involve" her. This means "mommy is dusting, want to help?" And I give her her own little rag. She loves helping me empty the washer to the dryer, and I can get her to load spoons in the dishwasher!! Seems like she just wanted to be doing what i was doing.

Cleaning aside, I am a BIG fan of wearing kids out. We go out everyday, whether it's to an indoor playground or to a park! Frustration is worked out during htese years, literally by the release of energy vs. being pent up inside.

As for potty training? I can't comment. I do know that forcing it is not going to work, as per my pediatrican, MIL, a former nurse, etc. My girl is past 25 months so if that makes you feel better in terms of having an older toddler not trained yet, so be it.

Good luck.

As for the potty training, I got to the point where I felt my daughter was doing it just to get back at me. I started making her "clean" herself. She did not like this at all. Of course, I still had to actually clean up the mess, but I would tell her that mommy doesn't like it either and she is a big girl and must use the potty. It took a few times, but I was adament about her helping clean up and the behavior stopped.

I would also make my children from a young age help clean up after themselves. I remember when my son was a little older than your oldest, I had just cleaned his room and he dumped an entire tub of matchbox cars out. I told him he had to clean it up and neither one of us was doing anything until he finished. He said no and started a tantrum. I stood there for 2.5 hours and he sat on the floor crying until he finished. My husband told me I expected too much out of him. I don't believe that for one bit. Our kids are 7 and 5 now and clean their own rooms, help put away their laundry and are responsible for taking care of their own dishes at the dinner table. My thinking is if I don't have expectations for them, how they going to learn how to have goals and expectations of their own?

The day of the matchbox car cleanup was one of the most frustrating and time consuming days I can remember. I am glad I did it though. It has definitely paid off.

For childproofing, you could try something like http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=13193070 or http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4449506. I've had pretty good luck with the straps on weird places like the refrigerator or dresser drawers.

As for the potty training - my child did the same thing, so I put him back in diapers and told him that he couldn't pee everywhere, and if he couldn't pee in the potty then he couldn't wear undies. I know that he KNEW what to do. I know that he COULD do it. I know that he WANTED his reward chart. I know that he KNEW what wet versus dry was and what it felt like to have to pee. But he also was doing NOTHING with that knowledge, and I wasn't going to drive myself crazy figuring out how to get HIM to motivate HIMSELF because clearly my motivation wasn't working. A few months later, he figured it out and we only had occasional accidents much more in line with his abilities. Now, he only has an accident when he gets distracted, so I've started a small discipline (taking away a little reward marker) if he pees his pants and DOES NOT TELL ME OR CHANGE HIMSELF. The punishment isn't about the accident, it's about making sure the accident gets cleaned up right away so I don't find a wet spot on every piece of furniture he decided to sit on in the meantime. He has gotten MUCH better about telling me or changing his pants.

When we were potty training, we did a sticker reward chart which worked marginally before he was ready to do it himself, and great after everything clicked in him. We started out that every 5 stickers got a little reward (a 10 minute episode of his favorite show or 10 minutes on a computer playing in Word) and every 35 stickers got a bigger reward like a $5 toy. As he got better, we added spaces to the chart until it was 7 stickers for a little reward and about 70 for a bigger one (not sure how many rows fit on there). We never punished him for peeing in his undies, although it might have felt to him like a punishment that we put a pull-up or diaper on him after the 3rd wet undies of the day. We always just tried to say they were to help him keep his pants dry and that we'd try again tomorrow. If he peed his pants in time-out, we just cleaned it up. If he said "I have to pee!" when being sent to time-out, we'd have him go to the bathroom first, but if time-out already started, we have him wait until he's done (but I also know my kid can hold his bladder for the 3 minutes that time-out lasts - before we got to that point, we paused time-out for a quick potty break). He still wears a pull-up every single night because his bladder is not ready for nighttime dryness. He simply is not ready to keep undies dry all night long, so I will not ask that of him.

I've found that most parenting steps and most developmental steps are not a smooth straight line from no sleep to perfect sleep or from diapers to dry undies. There are false starts and backtracks and regressions, but you do get there eventually, even if you didn't expect it to happen the way it did.

When my kids were young it was not fun to stay at home. We got up in the morning, got dressed, and went out. We came home, ate lunch and went out again. We went to places where they were stimulated and where they could run and climb and play and get it all out of their systems. We came home, it was time for a nap. They napped, I cleaned and cooked supper. (There was less cleaning to do, because we weren't sitting at home making messes all day.) I usually had a vehicle, but when I didn't I took them in the stroller, on the bike, in the sled, on the bus, or got a friend to pick us up. It's cold and nasty here about 7 months of the year, so we just dress for it. I can't help you with the potty training. I waited until they were three and spent a couple of days on it. Sure, diapers were expensive, but I couldn't have put up with a kids peeing and pooping all over the house.

I am sorry but it sounds like your daughter isn't ready. I never tried to push my kids because if they aren't ready then they're not. Your daughter is very young to "push" it. My youngest just turned three and has demonstrated that he can poop and pee in the potty and does so but our daycare is militant about him not wearing a diaper. He has accidents and then she has to clean it up. Clearly my son isn't ready. Why fight it..? The issue just makes everyone frustrated. it's easier to change a diaper then to force potty training. when they're ready...they're ready.

I know you're not going to like hearing this, but if a child "can" use the potty but doesn't want to, then that child isn't ready to potty train. Pushing it too young just makes your job harder and makes the toddler act out -- which your daughter is doing.

Really, though, what I want to give you is ... sympathy. It's flat-out crazy making to be cooped up in the house with two toddlers all day long. If you can give them any structure -- playdates, library story hour, mommy & me, anything like that, it'll do you a world of good. Really. When I was home with my son, I loved being with him, but I also owe my sanity to the fact that we scheduled one hour or so out of the house every day.

And, it really will get better. Two-year-olds are super-mobile, but they don't think rationally yet. They call it the Terrible 2s for a reason. By age 4, they can reason and communicate so much better. Just recognize that your daughters still have baby-brains, understand that you yourself are human, and get through day by day.

ETA: I just read your post again and realized how young your oldest is. I worry she is no where near being ready for potty training. She may be too little to see find any motivation to go in the potty. She is so young. Have your tried the sticker charts, prize bucket, that kind of thing?

Please remind yourself that the days are long but the years fly by! First, sounds like you need built in breaks. Can you at least twice a week get 30 minutes to 1 hour free time. Can you sleep in on weekends and your husband get up with the kids? Go every Sat morning to a movie or get a cup of coffee? Second, how about increasing your support system. Set up play dates? Join a Mom's group? Third, I would start having your oldest clean up her poop. Tell her she is old enough and so she is going to help clean up. I have a friend who did this and it nipped things in the bud ASAP. Don't say it in a mad voice because that will feed the power struggle. Be matter of fact and say from now on, you will clean up your poop because you are a big girl. Show her the bucket and cloth ahead of time and say, " here is the poop bucket you can use.". I know she can't really clean up the mess fully but have her start and she what she can do. Blessings! I promise it will get better.