Mom Vs. Husband

P.,
From experience, if your not happy with your husband, you shouldn't stay with him. I never married, but I was with someone who made me feel worthless. He treated me badly, & I wasn't happy. Once I left him I felt better.
Even now years later, me & my boys are better off without him. As a relationship with my mother, I don't have one. We lost contact years ago, & I found her. We still don't talk. Do what makes you happy. Depression gets to the best of us. Happiness is very important to you & your kids. Many women feel much better being separated, but as long as the father is apart of the lives of the kids.
From what I know, my grandma is the reason why my parents divorced. She didn't like my dad, because her own husband left her for another woman. Follow your heart. The father wasn't there as the boys were growing up.

Why would your children be kept from their Grandma? Here is my thought; Mom is family that we are born into. Husband is the family that we choose. We will always have our family, whether we are happy with them or not but the husband wife relationship takes work to keep together and to have and hold onto. It is worth it, and you should always defend the man you Love. It is not a relationship that should be discussed with your mom though. It's more sacred than that. Give it the respect it craves and needs and you will be rewarded.

Hi P. :o)

I am sorry that you are emotionally struggling right now. It sounds like you're having a very tough time trying to figure out what is the best thing to do.

I don't know enough about you and the dynamics of your family to say "give him another chance" or "leave him". But, I will say, sometimes loving someone soooooo much........... isn't enough to save a marriage. You have 2 children involved, and the decision has to be made in their best interest.

Ask yourself a few straight-forward questions:

1) Is he a good father? Remember, I didn't ask, "is he a good father when he's around"

2) Do your kids love him? Do they get disappointed alot because of him?

3) Do you find yourself making excuses for him?

4) Are you a "single mother" most of the time anyway?

P., there is no doubt that you feel so much love for your husband, and are trying to make this work for your family. This is the man "you picked" to be the father of your children forever..............did you pick good? :o)

If I were you, I would put my kids and their needs first, and before my own (as usual)..........Happy kids=Happy moms.

Don't worry about your mom at this time. She only loves you, and is tired of seeing you "get crushed". She feels that her way of "tough love" is the only way to get you to see "the whole picture" as she see's it. I am sure she will be there for you when you really need her :o)

Dig deep, P...........you already know what the right thing to do is, just listen to your heart :o)

:o) N.

Hi P.,

The best advice I can give you is to invest in the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book is amazing!!! When you start implementing the recommendations in your life you will see a change for the better. Your kids are at a great age to learn proper boundaries too (There is also a book by the same authors "Boundaries with Kids....When to say yes, when to say no to help your children gain control of their lives). Only you know what is right for you and your children! Don't let ANYONE make your choices for you. We all have to make our own decisions and have to accept responsibility and deal with the consequences that follow.

The other recommendation I have is to journal. When I'm struggling with something I just write until the answer comes. It's great to look back on later too. I dated a man for 8 years that I cared very deeply for, my family didn't like him. He wouldn't put up with anything from anyone. Our relationship had it's ups and downs but eventually ended. I recently looked back at my old journals. I was amazed to see that in the first year I was telling myself he wasn't good for me and I should end the relationship. I didn't have proper boundaries at the time, which is one of the things I think he wanted from me. I blamed him for some of the problems that were mine. I struggled because of the choices I made and because I couldn't say "NO".

My current husband and I read "Boundaries" when we first got married. We even had a group of friends who got together every Sunday and read the book together. It's great to practice saying "no" with safe people. I had a falling out with my mother when I started to establish boundaries with her. She wanted me to apologize to her and thought in time I would let it go. It took three years of not talking to her and her mother getting sick before she backed down. Today, we have a much better relationship.

I hope this helps!!!

L. Frost

Sounds pretty tough. Are you ready to cut the umbilical cord? Form your mother? Your mother certainly has a right to an opinion and she can make a choice. As with any choice there are consequences. Your mom wants the best for you, but she wants you to do what she wants. Getting you words together to talk with her from a non-defensive judgmental place could help. what you say may mean you take a break from your mother, but if you are kind, yet firm, then she will have to decide if not seeing you and her grandchildren is worth the way she is making her point. You might think about saying (or writing - I find this easier sometimes than talking face-to-face) something like this:

"Mom, I really appreciate how much you love me and the kids and I know you always want the best for us. Now, as an adult I am trying to make decisions in my life that are best for me and my children. While my husband has not always been mature in some areas, he and I are now trying to work together to make our marriage strong and our family happy. It would really mean a lot to me if I could get your support. This means accepting that 'husband' is a human being who can make mistakes, but also take responsibility to change. We really want you in our lives, but during this time of rebuilding we find negative comments and behavior diverts us from our goals. When you are ready to try forgiveness and can be civil to my husband, we will be happy to spend time with you."

Please try to get your husband on board, too, that is, he may not have good feeling about your mother and her behavior, but if he can be cordial he will be showing that he is maturing. Kind, consistent, firm - these are the keys.

Best luck