I Need Some Advice About My Mom :(

SAY NO. i let me in laws move in with us 2 years ago before i found out i was prego with out second child. it was only suppose to be for a few months while they saved for thier own place. once i found out i was prego thye promissed to be out before the baby was born. my son just had his 1st birthday and guess what they are still in my house.

i had a hard time telling my husband no to letting his dad and step mom move in and i am ready for my own space with my husband. dont get me wrong i like his family but i want to be able to be lound in the morning with the kids and not worry about what time it is or even walk around my house in my underware if i want and i can't. it does bring stress into my husband and my relationship when we talk about him telling his dad to move out. i wish i woudl have said no to begin with. now my daughter is attached to her grandparents bein there it is going to be hard on her once and if they ever move out. dont make the same mistake i did say no now.

That's a tough situation, but I think if I were you I would gently tell her that although you love her, she cannot live with you. If your mother hasn't gotten it together by now, she probably never will and she will drag you and your lovely family down with her.

Hi L.-
I know you've received lots of advice already but just in case you didn't hear it enough........gently say no...and if she doesn' like or want to hear that.....say it again not so gently but out of love. She is a grown up and has made her choices. It is your turn to raise and nurture your family, not to mention have some privacy (which is hard enough with a baby around) ;0) It doesn't sound like your mom made a whole lot of sacrifice for anyone other than herself...you don't owe anything to her. She will be better off if you help her to be more responsible by not enabling her to be a slacker...time for her to get it together and for you guys to enjoy your first home together. YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!
Tell her she is welcome to visit and you love her and leave it at that-don't defend it..be firm and loving. You are the mom now and you need to be able to have the space to grow more with your family.
Good Luck! Be Strong!
God Bless!
M

Take care of your family...by this I mean your husband and daughter. If your mother makes him feel uncoftable with how she dresses she will not respect your bountries. True she is your mother and as someone who was more the parent than the child in her relationship with her own mother...I have to say don't let her move it with your family. Tell her you need time to establish your own family independence. From your brief history, if she left you at 15 and has left her other kids with their fathers than her priority has been herself and not her children. As a parent yourself can you imagine doing this? You "owe" your parents respect but not your sanity. It will hurt your marrage if she moves in and she is not concerned about you comfort just hers. If you want to work on your relastionship with her you can try without risking your marriage or your heart. We can't "redo" our childhood and as a mom now you need to keep your own child's home safe and healthy ("mentally").

L. --- you've gotten some great advice. My mom was a single mom when I was growing up and always tried to do her best. She lived with my husband and kids for 13 years; she was very good about staying out of our personal business and was there to take care of my children when I worked. She decided to move in with my sister about 12 year ago. Of course, it was her decision, and things had always gone smoothly but I knew that the dynamics would change drastically after she was gone. I told her, at the time, that she was free to live where she wanted, but that she would not be able to move back in with us once she was gone. I asked her to think long and hard and made sure she realized I meant it. She ended up moving out and her living situations since then have not always been the best. She has never directly asked to live with us again, but even when she has hinted, I've ignored the veiled plea. Things were okay when she was with us, but changed so dramatically when she moved out. We would neve have been able to go back to having her with us after having her gone.

Your first responsibility is to your family, your husband and children. It is difficult to live with extended family even when everyone is doing well and can stay out of each other's hair. But, if anyone is having problems, they are magnified a thousand times in that living situation.

You cannot save your mom by having her live with you. She will bring her problems along with her and into your house. Stay strong and keep saying "no". She must learn to live on her own and be responsible for herself.

We support you!!

Dear L.,

I think your first responsibilities are to your husband and baby, and that your mother would be too disruptive and might even jeopardize your marriage. Of course you feel sympathy for your mother, but from the brief history you revealed, she sounds like a person who doesn't have the inner strength to give as well as take. Your husband probably is trying to go along with what he thinks will make you happy, so you and he should discuss it and decide what is best your little family, especially since you have been waiting to be alone together for a long time. Look at the positives of her moving in too: help around the house, live-in babysitter, help with expenses,etc. If it's not the best thing, you can tell your mother that you don't have room,(if that's true), and of course the full extent of your need to be alone in your new home. Your mother probably did the best she could in mothering you, but that does not mean you have to be her mother now. If you facilitate her dependence, she'll never grow up !!

Dear L.,

Your obligation to your mother, husband, child, and most of all yourself, is to be honest. I do not believe in luck, good or bad. Your mother has made a series of bad decisions so far in her life, that have not only affected her circumstances but the lives of her children.

She’s currently “manless” and sick and wants you to take care of her. While I believe we have an obligation to help our parents, they must also be willing to help themselves. These are links that will assist you in helping your mother find temporary shelter and free medical attention:

1. Domestic Violence Shelters
... Mason Transitional Living Center Fresno CA 93721 Business #: ###-###-#### ... Emergency Battered Women's Shelter Redondo Beach CA 90277 Business #: 310-372 ...
www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/CA.HTM - Cached

Free Clinics near Fresno - Local Results
· Castro, Victoria - A Metal-Free Dental Office - ###-###-#### - 1275 W Shaw Ave, Fresno, CA - 4.78mi - map

Your mother needs a job (unless she is so ill she can’t work). You need to be blunt with her and let her know it’s hard to get a job when you dress like a SKANK. I ordinarily wouldn’t us this term, but it sounds like it might be a term your mother is familiar with.

There are people that work in women’s shelters who teach women how to dress and groom properly and conduct themselves, so they can become employable.

Lastly, you are not responsible for your mother’s life. Let her know you love and care for her but do not let her move in with you and your little family. Tough love works both ways.

I look forward to hearing what happens.

Blessings…..

my advise is talk to your mother about her dress attire and that she needs to be an example of proper edicate as an adult to you and your younger siblings. If she has a job suggest that she get a studio apt they are usually cheap. Beings that you are willing to help her may be suggest that you and your husband would be glad to assist her in getting her own place.
If you decide to let her stay with you tell her it temporary and give a time limit.
It may sound harsh but you need your life and moms tend to meddle to much and cause unnessary problems. Good luck. :)

It is too early in your relationship with your husband to have your Mom move in and she should realize this and not want to impose on you. If there are issues now it will only get worse.

I am a firm believer that young couples need their own space and time to be together. Take it from someone who lived with her own Mom and had a new husband and my two kids for a few years and I've always had a great relationship with my Mom. Granted the house was over 4200 square feet and our side was totally our own complete with everything, but eventually it takes it tole on the relationship.

Your Mom is a grownup and has provided for herself all these years I would kindly tell her it is not possible. Let her know you need time to be a young married couple and now is your chance. Your hubby may understand now, but believe me he won't later. It just happens.

I have a son that will be 30 years old in a week and I would never ever dream of imposing on him and his wife and ask to move in and we have a great repore.

Just my two cents, but I have been there before and my advice is just say "No" and don't be guilted into it.

R.

L.,

You have every right to draw the line. Let your mom know that you love her dearly and that she will be welcome to visit your new home but that it is time for you to make a home for yourself and your family, alone. You need to set the boundary here and take control. Your mother has not grown up and that is neither your fault nor your responsibility. You can love her and accept her as she is, but you do not need to be held responsible for her poor and immature choices. Your husband, yourself and your daughter deserve a home that can be your sanctuary. It sounds like you really want to create a home for your family that is peaceful and loving and dramafree. If you take her in because you feel bad for her, you are going to be taking on all of her drama and baggage and who knows when she will move out? Don't fall for the "it's only for a couple of months" bit either. Draw the line. You are the woman of the house now and the mother and the wife. Again, you love her and you accept her as she is but she is not your responsibility.

L. ~ I think at this point, you need to just tell your Mom that you love her, you are very sorry, but you cannot accomodate her at this time. She is not taking care of her responsibilities, and she didn't take care of you. You owe her nothing! Sounds like the "bad luck" she has with men, is caused by her own choices, and isn't "luck" at all! I think that you need to practice some tough love with your mom, and do what is best for you and your family. I don't think that having an unstable parent living with you at this point is a good situation, and you stated that you have a "rocky relationship" there are going to be changes that you and your family are going to be going through during this time, and I don't think that it is wise to add any more unneccessary stress into your life. Although you are looking forward to this change - no matter what, these changes come with stress! That is my opinion. I hope that it helps!

Dear L.,

Quick RUN...Grab your hubby and MOVE OUT of the country.. Don't even pass go to collect your $200.00 !!!!!

It sounds like your mother is very irresponsible!!!! I know that U Love her very much.!! She sounds like she is going through some middle age crises. I sorry for her hurting however, like my mom told me when I got PG at the age of 16yrs. "You make your Bed, now you sleep in it"... That is when I became a strong person.

You are now going onto your own for the first time with your beautiful family and you DO NOT NEED YOUR MOTHER OR anyone else living with U and your hubby..
You need to develop your own life style & a strong relationship between you two of U kids with out any outside interference.!!!!

I don't want to sound harsh, its just that I have been there and have done that.... I do wish you and your family Best Wishes always.~`~`Good Luck, & God Bless~`~`~`D. W.

You have no obligation to take her in, after the way she has behaved. She is a grown woman and can (and SHOULD) take care of herself. I hope you find a way to tell her this nicely and have your home to yourself and your family. Take care, C.

I can relate to having a mom you worry about & feel the need to help, but there comes a time when she needs to stand on her own two feet or she will be in and out of your home forever. The fact is she is an adult & she needs to find a new living situation for herself. If money is an issue maybe she finds a roommate. Let her know you love her and want to help but you need to be alone with your family. Try helping her find another place to live. Stand firm & good luck.

Dont do it! She is a big girl and will be able to fenn for herself as she has done thus far. It will wreck your marriage and that and your little one have to come first. She can visit when she is settled. If you didnt have a house, she would have to work it out and she should.

Cold hard facts and it may seem harsh but it wont work otherwise. I know and have that same experience.

Good luck,

P.

Well it sounds like you have been an adult for a long time. You are still an adult and you need to be strong in this. If it were me, I would offer her a place to live for a short agreed aupon amount of time. Like 3 months to help her get on her feet. Let her know if she is to live with you there are some rules she will need to live by IE..her clothes to appropriate around your children and friends. I think if she needs you bad enough, she will agree to your terms. if she is offended, then you dont need that type of person in your home around your family, even if she is your "mother"
Maybe Im harsh but now that your a mom you can be a momma bear and get away with it:) Good luck!

This is excellent advice! DON'T DO IT! Don't let your kind heart and guilt allow your mom to live with you.
It is time for YOU to focus on being a mom to your child and a wife to your husband ALONE. Your mother needs to figure HER own life out. It is not your responsibility!
Enjoy your life and your family but don't take on having to parent your mother also!

L., I know this is probably a lot easier for me to say sitting here than it is for you to have to tell her...but girl...do not let your mother live with you. It sounds to me like your mother is struggling with a lot more than just bad choices in boyfriends. It also sounds to me like you have a wonderfully kind and generous husband who loves you and your child. At a certain point (for me it was in my mid-twenties after the birth of my first child) that I had to really distance myself from my parents and we did not have any major "issues", just a need for me to live my life on my path. You and your husband need to stand together on this one and tell that she is welcome to visit and spend time but she is not allowed to stay or live with you. This will likely be very hard for her to hear but you need to stand your ground otherwise she will manipulate the situation to get her way and will wind up exactly where you don;t want her -- living with you.

I am not usually a book pusher but I did once read a book called the Dance of Anger by a woman whose last name is Lerner. I forget her first name. Take a look at it and see what you think...you might find it interesting.

good luck.

M

Just say no! I know you love your mom; but, it sounds like the situation would unhealthy one for you and your hubby. If saying no is not an option, then put a time limit on it. Strike a deal. For instance, she can't come out for the first three months you have just moved into your new home and when she does come out she can only stay for a period of up to two weeks.
My sister in law has the same sort of relationship with her mother. Rocky relationship at best but she is the only one of her sister's who still has her mother come visit. Because of how her mother dresses(&drinks), she always puts a time limit on the visit of under two weeks. And most importantly she isn't afraid to be honest with her mom and say "mom, I love you but it's time you went home."
GOOD LUCK!!

L.,

I say stand your ground and don't let her move in with you. You have to think about your marriage, your family and of course the environment you want your child to grow up in. Try not to feel bad about it either, you are an adult-- you have a family now and you need to protect your own child from any baggage that she would bring into your home. It sounds like she is looking for you to rescue her-- but she left you when you were 15! Its time for her as an adult to fend for herself and not rely on you or guilt you into living together. Don't rescue her!

I know its hard because you sound like you are such a giving person- but it would do more harm to your family and your marriage to have her move in with you.

Take care,

Molly

I can see that you have a giving heart and it may be difficult for you to say NO but the best thing that you could do to help your Mother is to say NO.

Your main priority is your husband and child and bringing someone in your home that clearly refuses to take responsibility for their own actions will not benefit your family at all.

Set up some firm boundaries now. Your mom, although she is your mom, is a grown woman and has spent her life making the wrong decisions. We all make mistakes, but we are to learn from them. We cannot enable our family or friends. She needs to make the choice of changing her life for the best, not just a quick fix, that being you. There is nothing wrong with telling your mom no. Once you are married and have your own family, they and you are the priority, not your mom anymore. You can love her and pray for her, but putting some firm boundaries seems to be necessary in this situation. We are all given the freedom of choices, and there is nothing wrong with telling your mom that she will need to figure out something else. It is crucial that you and your husband along with your child, start to have the freedoms that come along with living on your own. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to not help. Trust me, I have had some experiance in this area, not the exact circumstances, so I know it will be hard and you will be sad. But there is nothing like be alone in your home with your family.

hey girl, well i think that you need to tell your mom how you feel no matter how hard it is someone needs to make her react from her wrong doing and that person might have to be you and i'm sure this is going to help. i don't think you should let her move in with you and she needs to understand your situation. so do what you got to do you will be fine just be firm.

hope everyting goes good for you.

Don't do it!! TELL HER NO. If you do take her in, you will become her enabler and that is just wrong. She nees to be responsible for herself.

You are entilted to have a happy life and she needs to take care of herself. Good luck but please remember that your first priority is your husband.

God Bless,
+B+

You cannot have your mom live with you. She is an adult and she must find her own place. She may have visiting priviliges if you allow her to.

On a side note: Respect is not "owed" anyone. Respect is earned - even if they are parents. Abandoning children = no respect for anything other than her own comfort. Don't show your siblings/husband/daughter that you will accept that type of behavior.

You sound very sweet and generous and patient. And even from the small amount you've written here this situation has "NO DON'T DO IT!" written all over it. Your mother sounds like a handful and you probably already have enough on your plate with a baby and a marriage that still needs to settled into. I hope you'll consider trying to help her get situated on her own somewhere else so you can spare yourself the additional stress. There are house-shares all over the place. Good luck, L., and I hope you'll be strong about setting boundaries. This woman sounds like she needs some.

Hi L..

Your decision is a tough, but not impossible one. You may be looking for absolution rather than advice. I think you already know the best answer for you and your -immediate- family: It is best to let your mom fend for herself. You sounds like an insecure and self-serving person with a lot of problems she will bring into what could otherwise be a happy home. My opinion is -- you put your husband, your baby, -and- yourself before your mother and the guilt she's laying on you.
She's trouble looking for a handout. This is not the time to extend it. When she's an adult, taking on adult responsibilities and reflections, she can approach you on an adult to adult relationship.

You don't owe her any more of the happiness she has already taken away from you.

Ask yourself this: Do -I need- my mother? You have a life of your own. She has nothing positive to offer (emotionally or financially). Would you accept this from a 'friend'. Then why her?

Time to draw the line L.. If you don't know how, you may want to re-visit your mom's history - she does.

Good luck!

I would simply tell your mom that you would love to help her, but at this time in your life you feel it is too important that you and your family are able to live on your own. I would just tell her that you are finally able to move out of your in-laws and into a new home, and that you and your husband are really looking forward to having a home of your own. Quite simply, you are not your mothers mother. It sounds like your mom needs to figure out how to grow up a bit and take care of herself, and you letting her move in is only going to enable her to continue being irresponsible.

Tell her that unlike her, you put your family first. Sounds like it is time for your mother to grow-up and at least take responsibility for herself.

You have a responsibility to your own family (daughter & husband) first. It sounds like your mom needs to grow up and take responsibility for her self...you can love your mom and feel bad for her without taking her issues on...If I were you I would sit down with a piece of paper put the pros and cons of your mother moving in and see if it would be worth it...it seems that she has no problem just walking away from things if they don't suit her and she has done this to 4 children (you included) and you don't need to take care of an over grown teenager. Do you really want your daughter to get attached to a "grandmother" that will leave her and you in a minute if a new boyfriend comes along without looking back or caring if she hurts your family?
If you do decide to allow her to come into your home remember...it is YOUR home and you have EVERY right to lay down some ground rules to protect your family...

DON'T DO IT!!! I'll tell you why. My mom is my best friend. We spend every Monday night and Saturday together (my hubby works). We love and understand each other perfectly and I am so grateful. HOWEVER, I have lived with her and my hubby twice. Once when I was pregnant with my daughter right before we bought our condo and then again right after my son was born and we were between condo and new house. After about 2 months both times I HAD TO GET OUT!!! We were driving each other crazy and we are best friends! Not to mention the strain it put on my relationship with my husband. Mom's can't help but act "motherly" and my grown husband couldn't stand being "mothered". So if you want to salvage any sort of relationship you still have with your mother, don't do it.
Also, my mother has always told me that just because our parents gave us life doesn't mean we have to give them our life. My mom was a wonderful mother so if she needs me, I'm there for her. But your Mom doesn't sound like she cares much about others. I'm not bashing her, I'm just saying that some mothers just can't give (like my grandma)You don't owe your mother anything. She made her choices that brought her to where she is today. You have a new family and she doesn't sound like the type of person who will care whether or not she ruins what you have. It's just a bad idea.....

This is a hard one but I would have to say no. Moving into a place with your husband is going to be an adjustment even if you have been living together for a few years now. Adding your mom on top of that may be stressful. When you adjust and everything is okay then maybe talk about it with your husband. If you don't want her there now then its just going to be just as bad. You don't need that stress. Sorry not much advice to share.

My advice is DON'T LET HER MOVE IN! It sounds cold, but she sounds irresponsible and once in may be difficult to move out if she causes you problems. She needs to get a job and carrying her own load. You've hardly had an opportunity to have the privacy a young family needs.

There are shelters she can go to if her boyfriend has mistreated her. They help people get jobs while providing a temporary home.

This is your call. Your husband has already indicated that he is uncomfortable with how she dresses. She will cause your family trouble. She hasn't earned your respect.

E.

A little about me:
I'm a 72 year old Gramma who knows how to be in a "give and take" relationship with her adult kids.

Do NOT let her move in and do NOT feel guilty!!!! Yes, she is your mom and she gave you life, but she is not entitled to LIVE your life. When you married, your first responsibility became your own family--your husband and your children. "She left me when I was 15". That says is all. She left you when you needed her. She has no right to return when she needs you. "She always had bad luck with men". I doubt that it is "bad luck"--more likely poor choices. Recognize that you are a good person with a huge guilt button and a mother who has had your whole life to learn how to push that button. It sounds like you pick men better than your mom--you picked one who is willing to take your mom in. Prove you love HIM by not asking him to do so!!! If your mom needs some financial help & you can afford to give it, fine. But you are risking your marriage if you let her move in. I know it will be hard, but get tough. I have a sticky note on my mirror, for those "guilt crisis" days": You are not morally obligated to do that which you cannot do!

Yikes! My mom left me when I was 13 and after I had established my adult life she was all too happy to re-insert herself into it. Do not let her move in, she wasn't willing to make the sacrifices for her children and you certainly should not be expected to do so for her. You can love her just as much from a distance, my mom lives in Alaska!

Do not let her guilt you into making a bad decision for your family, just to make her life easier.

`It sounds to me like your mom is very needie, you need to let her know that you are a grownup and need to take care of your own famiele first. She sounds like she can take care of herselfe o k.
After 3 yeats with your inlaws you need to be on your own,
let her know you care about her and want her to be in her grandchilds life but not fulltime.
She may not be happy about it but will eather get over it and move on or try to make you feel gulty, dont let her!
As to the way she dresses,just tell her she can do whate she wants when she is on her own but not at your house.
If you let her move in you are going to put your life o n hold for her and it will only couse you problems in the long run.Yes you are her child but you have your own child and husband if youdo this you might loss it all. Time to be the adult tell her NO

Sounds like trouble. You are not your mother's mother. You do not have to take care of her. Your life is going so well. Tell her to move near by and she can be part of your life. But as far as living with you, sorry that won't work.
Don't buy into any guilt. Choose yourself and your family. You can do this. She will probably see that this is not an option and go off with another "bad relationship". You can't fix her and only she can help herself so don't waste your time feeling bad for her. Don't let your mother ruin your relationship with your husband. Sounds like she is looking for a handout. You don't need this.
GOOD LUCK.
Sorry to be harsh but this is the reality.

I hate to be hardcore about this, but given the history of your mother and your relationship and her relationship with others, you need to offer your assistance as far as helping her find a place of her own and let her know you will be there for her. But, DO NOT let her move in with your husband of one year and your baby. It will only cause problems for you in your new life. I realize she is your mother and it will be very difficult but you need to let her know that you have moved on in your life and you intend to be a very different mother than she was and in order to do this you and your husband need to be alone to live your own life. People like her do not change, they just take advantage of those who they know they can guilt. Stay strong....and remember, your family is the only important thing right now and doing the right thing now can mean a life free of drama.

Don't do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Marriage and family are hard enough. You will absolutely regret it if you have her live with you. You don't owe her anything. You are not her mother and she wasn't much of a mother to you. With her history you will most likely have many issues come up you will not want your child to see, nor come between you and your husband. Plus, what if you have her come and then realize it is a big mistake. How will you tell her to leave? This is the only time you can say that you would love to, but you need this to be a home for just you, your husband and your baby. Anyone who cares about your best interest will understand, and if she doesn't- well, that will tell you something, won't it? Don't do it!!!!

My dearest L.!
This is YOUR life, YOUR time! Tell your Mom, "NO!" Explain that while you love her, it is time for you and your husband to make a home for your child. Tell her you need time to bond and grow as a family unit in your new home. If you don't put your foot down now, you'll regret it in the future! Good luck! N.

Dear L.-
I am so sorry. What a tough decision. My advice, whether it be good or bad, is to say no. She cannot come with you. If she needs help finding a job and an apartment, you should be more than willing. And you can go and visit her weekly, and she can come and visit you. It's time for you to take care of you and for her to be a grown up. I do beleive that we should care for our parents once we are adults, but there is only so much we can do and we cannot force them to make good decisions nor can we make thoe decisions for our parents.
Tell you what. If your mother is willing to have her own space in the house and you are ok with this, then she must also be willing to stick to your rules- dress code and all. No random men in the house, no ultra revealing clothing, etc. If she asks why, remember that you have an impressionable daughter who needs a safe role model.
Since you are struggling with this decision, and my heart still throws HUGE red flags up for letting her stay with you (for the safety and influence of your child), my last suggestion is a counselor. Both you and the hubby go, talk about the pro's and cons with a counselor, and let them help you make an informed and non biased decision. They may also help you set some really healthy boundaries with your mother that may prove to enhance your relationship with her. If nothing else, you will know that you put in the effort and are trying to make it work while trying to help her be responsible without enabling her bad habits.
As far as her clothing and approaching her about it, let her know that while you have the same parts and could care less iif it was just you looking at her, you know how men think, and how children think. To catch a quality guy, the goods should not be free. She is worth MORE than that. And your daughter- well, you want her to search out healthy relationships and be proud of her body without having to be practically naked. YOU LOVE HER but you cannot allow her to be in front of your family without being more modest in her appearance. Maybe the 2 of you should go shopping together and you get to pick the clothes (dress it up with a few baubles, etc) and she agrees to try them on and maybe purchase one or two.
I hope this helps. Good luck with your decision.
-Eirn M.

Hi, I am a mom of 4, married 15 years and grandma! This is my second marriage and I had to learn some life lessons the first time the hard way. It cost my now 23 yr old daughter her family breaking up in divorce.

I want to encourage you to put your family first. The "leave and cleave" principle. Your mother has chosen her life path and has created some very sad circumstances. However, It is not your job to fix it or make it easy. We all have choices. You can love your mom without emeshing with her life or pain. It appears to me she will bring "chaos" into you family and create stress on your relationships. It is your time to have YOUR home with YOUR husband. Tell you mother you love her but "NO, it is not best for you or your family at this season of your life." Love her and wish her the best in supporting her. If she wants to move in the vacinity, it is her choice to be a supportive mom for you and grandma. But, if she is trying to live "through you" because her life has been out of control. she is still running. Your husband will do what pleases you, but could resent it. He has give you and your child a home, cherish it!

This may seem harsh, but I can tell you, emeshed relationships always breed chaos and increased strained relationships. Your mom is in need of some help, encourage her to get some and keep your family whole.

Take Care.. L. M.

Sorry, I may hurt your feelings but, if you want your marriage to "FAIL" with your hubby then let her move in. You need to show yor husband you are still willing to have the family together. Unlike your mom, she needs to get her act together!!! If you take her in she will find a way to continue manipulating her way "out" of her problems she herself created. Ask yourself, did she think twice in leaving you??? I BET NOT!!!! She did it again to her other kids. Honestly, I know you probably want to have that loving mother you didn't have when you needed her the most right??? Well, get over it you are NOT gonna get her. She is not the loving mother and she may never be. A loving mother puts her husband and kids FIRST! And she my dear sounds like she is selfish and a manipulater. Don't let her ruin your life, be grateful that you found your loving husband and have a beautiful princess how needs and wants YOU!!! I know you will do the right thing, you beat all the odds against you, BE STRONG AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!!
REMEMBER, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SOUND SO HARSH BUT YOU DESERVE BETTER. PLEASE TAKE CARE AND TRUST YOURSELF. You are, YES! YOU ARE THE WONDERFUL MOTHER you always wanted :)

I truly believe you don't owe your mom anything! Where was she during your difficult teenage years. I know that feeling of trying to please your family but this is your chance to make your own life with your husband and beautiful daughter. If it was me, I would explain to my mom that I love her but its time for our family (husband, daughter, you) to begin living your own life. It's truly okay to do that! You deserve it and it is your right! Your mom is a grown adult and needs to figure out her own life. It sounds like she has some issues she needs to work out and I think no matter how old your daughter is, they learn from the people around them. I think its truly important to put you, your husband and your daughter first! Hope that helps!

your mom will always be your mome... good and bad.. and yes, you have a past.. but we all do. but you can't do this. you are finally going to be a couple ... with a baby... in your own home. she will take over.. it will become this thorn in your side.. and you and your husband will be strained. it's not fair. she is a grown woman. tell her to go back home and that this is your time for your life... not to pick up her pieces. please stand your ground on this. i've seen what happens. and she will never leave!

69 responses! Wow, I really hope there is some good advice in there but I just had to quickly add my 2 cents. I always wanted to help my family out, I was the one to have the house and have it together. My mom left me and my brother too at the age of 2 yrs old but we have a good relationship now though. Recently my brother separated from his wife and I really wanted to help and it broke my heart that my husband wasn't on board. I talked to my brother and he said..."you have your own family now and I would feel horrible creating problems with that". So, I'm sure from what you're saying your Mom wouldn't understand that you have your own family now but to ease your mind you do have a family and that should be your priority. Your Mom is an adult and will be fine. If you can help her financially or something (like help her find a place of her own or rent a room) that would be better than moving her in to your new place. She won't leave once she moves in not without a fight. Your daughter will pick up on all of that. Just tell her you love her and will help in other ways but you have to put your daughter first.
I really wish you the best!

Dont let her move in. Try telling her that, although it would be nice to have someone to babysit and help with the bills, there just isn;t room in your new home. Maybe in a couple of months you can make a place for her. By then she will have found a situation of her own. Do some leg work and have options for her at the ready; tell her where there is affordable housing, or cut out the "roomate wanted" ads in the local paper and have them ready for her. Let her know you want her close, but just not in the house with you. This is YOUR time. It might not always be this great. Live your life.

Hi L.,
Sounds like you are in a tough situation. First of all, you are no longer on your own. You have a FAMILY... your husband and your daughter and they should be #1 in your life. I'm not saying that you shouldn't care about your mom, you absolutly should... She's your mom...but at the same time she needs to put YOUR needs first and she needs to understand that her living with you and your husband is not in your best interest. It is stressful for a couple to live with other people (no matter who they are). You've been married such a short time and it sounds like you have yet to be on your own with just your husband and daughter. Let your mom know that you love her but that you really need to do this on your own right now. Not only that, but does she plan on helping with rent, bills, food? And what happens when she finds a new boyfriend and decides to move in with him? What if they break up? Are you always going to take her back? In my opinion, she needs to find a small apartment or studio and try to make it on HER own as well. If she doesn't have a job then she needs to get one. Good luck, this isn't an easy thing to have to deal with. Just think of your husband and daughter as well as yourself... I'll say a little prayer for you.

Hi L.,

You need to tell your mother that you love her and you would be happy to help her find a place to live, just not at your home. You and your husband deserve to have a home of your own and my guess is that having your mom live with you could effect your relationship with your husband in a negative way. As for her style of dress, you may want to tell her that if she wants to attract the right type of man, she should dress more respectfully. Does she have a job? If she doesn't, help her to find one that pays enough for her to live on her own. In the meantime, she'll have to find a roommate.

Hey, no: L., your mom needs to grow up. Your job as her child is to open your wings and fly into your own sweet life, and if you are a mother yourself, to raise your children so that they are able to do the same.

It is not your job to keep your mother from making mistakes. She will always be the older in your relationship, and to my thinking, that means it's on her to also be the wiser.

Family doesn't always do what we'd expect of them. I'm sorry your mom is playing your heartstrings. It is not to her benefit nor to yours. Establish a clear boundary between her behaviors and your family life with your child and husband -- some behaviors are not acceptable around kids, no matter who is misbehaving. Do not be TAKEN IN by her, and for goodness' sake, do NOT TAKE HER IN.

Establish your boundaries and stand your ground. Your mom should be taking care of herself.

Best best best of luck to you,
Kristen

hi, you sound so tolerant and caring,and i dont think you should put yourself in this position-you deserve time alone with your family,esp if she hasnt always been there for you, she may be more trouble than help!!!

Hi L.,

It sounds like you really want to help your mom and be there for her (maybe to show her how you would have liked her to be there for you). However, I have to say, I don't think anything good can come from your mom moving in with you. Having another adult in the house, especially one that you have a natural desire to please will only put undue stress on your marraige.

If you don't feel comfortable telling her that the way she dressed is uncomfortable for you and your husband, you don't have anywhere near the kind of open relationship you would need in order to successfully live with her.

There will be no way for you to avoid instances where your husband and mother want you to do different things. Your mom clearly has the ability to manipulate/guilt you into doing things you don't feel comfortable with, and your husband will be left feeling like you don't respect him and that you never "choose" him.

Hope this helps,
T.

Its time for you and your little family to be a family by yourselves building your own lives and traditions. It is time for your mom to grow up and take care of herself. If you let her move in there is no telling what kind of man she may bring into your home with your little princess. Just tell her no.

Omg i have 86+ responces thank u all so much reading ur comments and hearing some of ur experiances made me feel not so alone! I am so sad for my mom i cant help but feel so horrible but i am gonna tighten my belt and even if it kills me for a day or 2 my answer is no...:(... Im so sad over this i feel so much resentment towards her and at the same time love... Im not sure why... I dont think she knows how i feel towards her i have tried talking to her about it but never face to face and she always seems mad at me for bringing it up she tells me she wants to change i dont know i just dont feel right.my husband has been really supportive and tells me let her stay and like most of u say put rules! Well ive thought it through my answer is no unless she agrees to talk to me and even then she 2-3 months to stay .... Im not as confused just sad and i do need to talk to someone and some of u offered to hear me out thank you all and trust me i will keep u posted ... God bless

I hear you about your situation and there is one really good answer for your mom: "Mom, I love you but my husband and I need our time together, alone and in our own space to be a family with our new baby. While we would like to help you, we need to put our new family first. So, I am sorry, but our answer needs to be No."

She doesn't have to like it - she won't like it. But too many times we sacrifice ourselves for people in our lives who make us uncomfortable or who we really don't want to live with. There comes a point in our lives when we learn it is OK to put ourselves first and do what we need to do for us rather than doing what will make everyone else happy - but us miserable.

Be strong - you and your hubby can stand together as a united front and tell her simply 'NO'.

Good luck!

Warmly,
J.

L., L., L.,

I so feel for you. You sound so torn. I don't mean to be heartless to you or your mom but you must not allow her to move in with you. You have something that most people strive for, a good marriage and a beautiful child, and you are now finally becoming a real family. This, believe it or not, will not last forever if you don't protect what you have. Your mother is not your responsibility. You must tell her that you are unable to have her live with you but that you will help her as you can, from your own respective homes. Your responsibility is to your husband and child. Your hubby may put up with this but it is not healthy or good for either of you or your marriage. Your mother sounds very dysfunctional and, while I know you feel obligated to rescue her, please believe me it is not the right thing to do. She will be destructive to your family. She WILL find another guy or someone else to lean on. Be firm. Tell her you'd like to be helpful but you and your husband have plans and goals and cannot have anyone living with you right now. It is selfish of your mother to try to depend on you. Please get counseling or learn how to set boundaries for yourself. There are some very good books you can read to understand this situation better. One has "Boundaries" in the title and has helped many people and another is, "Bad Childhood, Good Life". There are many more if you think that would be helpful to you to understand you are not letting your mother down by saying no. It is not unkind, it is your job now. Your mother will find her way and possibly mess it up again, which is sad, but that is her life.You are not alone in going through this. Many parents who never got it together try to rely on their kids when the kids show that they are healthy and have it together. It never works. Get some support and don't give in. You can contact me if you need more lectures! Good luck. Protect your family.

You do not need to thake her in.
If you can help her into some senior housing (look at a nearby city website for senior housing) It's cheap and you will not have to re-invent the wheel as that lady ( AKA 'mother ") needs more and more.
You can have weekly 1/2 visits to keep in touch but no parnet deserves more than they gave....
You are not alone in wanting your life....

Hi L.,

My advice is this: You have paid your dues by living with your mother-in-law for three years (THREE YEARS!!!), there is no reason here to try to prove yourself by allowing your mother into your first precious chances to begin a new life in your first very own home.

You're going to be sad if your dont take her in, and potentially destroy your family if you do. If she has bad luck with men, how do you think her "luck" will affect your husband whose going to have to look at her everyday (EVERYDAY!!!) when who he really wants to look at is you? If I were your husband I'd be holding my breath and praying to God to please not allow such an unstable force into our lives. Don't let her move in with you for Heavens Sake!!!

Sincerely,
M.

Hi L.,

Do not have your mother move in with you. You need a place for yourself and your family. I grew up living with my parents and my father's parents, until they passed away. It ruined my mother's life. DON'T DO IT!!!!

Dear L.,
You are in a tough situation.
I've been there.
My mom, who was a wonderful mom and always there for me, married a man that I was totally against her marrying. I had my concerns, but what could I say? She was far more a grown woman than I was at the time. I won't get into it, but she found out the hard way that she had made a terrible mistake. She had to get out. I was pregnant with my first child. I took her in. Without question.
My mom never did drugs, didn't drink, was, and still is, very respectable. After divorcing my father, she was lost, with two teenagers, no work experience and she made the mistake of marrying the first idiot that showed any interest in her. Anyway, my mom was a big help to me. She cooked and cleaned and looked after me. I worked full time and she was a God send, really. My mother-in-law did not like her being so close because of jealousy and griped so much that I was given an ultimatum. To make a long story short, it was the most painful time in my life when it should have been the happiest and my mother wasn't the one causing problems. Things worked out great for her and I will never be sorry for helping her. She found a job and a place of her own and still was the one who looked in on me and took me to the hospital when I was in labor. She was there for the birth, but ironically, mother-in-law was banned. Not by me....but by her own son.
My marriage fizzled before the baby was 2. My mom had nothing to do with it. And, my mom was there to help me when it happened.
I think that you might want to talk to someone. Make time to see a counsellor or something. We all want love from our parents and we all want to be close to them. You need to understand that your mom having her issues was not your fault and you could never, can never, fix them. We want to help those that we love. Believe me, that is always my first inclination. But, if helping someone you love will bring you down and take away from your ability to move forward, you have to assess if the price you are paying is just too much. I'm not a professional, but it sounds like your mom never really grew up. She had children, but could leave them to go on to something else. It sounds like she is trying to get back a youth that she mis-spent. And honey, you cannot help her do that. If she had always been there for you, it might be different. I apologize if it sounds harsh, but it sounds like she flits around from one thing to another without really thinking. I worry it will end badly if you let her move in.
There might be other ways you can help her.
I don't know where she lives, but there might be resources in her area for counselling and/or rehab for women who are addicted. Believe it or not, you can be addicted to faulty relationships. Check to see what types of things are available for her in her area. But don't expect her to take them or be happy about it.
Get counselling for yourself.
Sometimes saying no is the biggest favor you can do for a person. Especially when they just aren't willing to take any responsibility for their own actions.
She may or may not be able to understand this, but you are trying to give your child something that was not given to you....A mommy, a daddy, a stable home.
If she truly wants some stability for herself, she can find it and work at it, but it's not her child's responsibility to give it to her. Especially when you are trying to do that for your own family with very little tools given to you by your mom. I mean, does she already have a job lined up and she only needs to stay somewhere for a couple of months while she works and finds and apartment? You didn't say, but my guess would be no.
I think you can still love her and want the best for her, but take care of yourself and your family first at the same time. I could be wrong and forgive me if I am assuming, but it sounds like your mom would just want to be on to the next guy, and the next. And you will be subjected to which one works and which one doesn't.
She needs to find her way as her own, strong, independent woman. If you can do it, so can she.
I wish you the best. I really do.

Oh, sweetie, offer her help finding housing, but not at your house. Given your history and her past behavior, you have earned a right to your own HAPPY life. Welcome her into your life, because you obviously love her, but I would NOT let her into your home. Speaking from experience, telling someone you're sorry but they can't stay with you is much easier than telling them they have to get out of your house because they are ruining your marriage and/or making you live in misery.

The best advice I can give is something my dad told me many times through out my teenage and early adult years.

"When in doubt ... DON'T"

There's usually a very good reason for those doubts and you should trust your instincts.

However, if you do decide to have her live with you, I'd suggest laying the ground rules of allowing that before she moves in. What you will and will not find acceptable, a timeline (if you choose to set one) of when she should get her own place, and the possibility of counseling for the two of you. Or whatever other issues you feel are important, address them right away.

While she's your mother and you love her and need to forgive her for your own peace of mind, that doesn't mean if her behavior is objectionable to you, you have to be around it or tolerate it. This is YOUR home and you should be happy and comfortable there.

good luck with all this.

Don't let her. I hate to say that... I'm an older mom. My mom moved in with me and it was a disaster. I moved in with my daughter and family after losing a husband and it was a disaster. Just explain to her that you can't do it... it's finally time for you and your little family to do it together without outside interference.

A definate 'no'.... You have planned and sacrificed to position your new family into a suitable situation...and this is your time. Would you leave your child in her care? Would you be comfortable going away for a weekend and leaving your mother in your home knowing she could be bringing/entertaining strangers? As hard as saying 'no' may be, the strain of all the potential/probable things that can/will pop up will be far harder to deal with...like asking her to leave. Mom has made her bed, now she needs to lie in it... Good luck

It is really sad and wrenching to have to turn a family member away, but you have a family of your own to think about and care for. Don't let her move in. Don't continue to let dysfunctional family history rule your life. She needs a kind of help that you cannot give her and letting her ruin your relationship with your husband or damage it is not going to help her. You need to think about yourself (she didn't) your husband and your children and make the life you always wanted. She'll survive - she has so far. Channel Roxy from Army Wives and tell her "no".

If your mom was a stable person that just needed a little help I would say OK give her a few weeks to get it together. However, this woman has never matured. She has abandoned all her children and you need to think about what this effect will have on your child. DO you want your child to get attached to her and then she up and flakes on her too? I would suggest that you tell her that you would like to help her but that you and your husband are making a home for your child and now is that the time to move in with you. After a few months if things become more stable with her then you could ask her to visit for a couple of weeks with the knowledge that it is a VISIT not a move in. Your marriage and family are more important than her issues. She is a grown woman and by letting her move in you would be enabling her to continue this behavior. As far as the sexy clothes go I would most definitely put restriction on that. More than one MIL has seduced a SIL just for fun and ruined a marriage. I know that you believe that your husband would never do that but men are wired differently than women and many/most of them would eventually give in. Take care and let us know how things go. Stand up for yourself and your family! Your husband will gain so much respect for you for putting him and your child first!

i would tell her that living with you is out of the question. if she makes your husband uncomfortable you don't feel she is a good rolemodel, and she is obviosly not a reliable responsible person so what would make her a reliable responsible roomate. as much as you want to help her or be a part of her life reopairing any damage from your past relationship with her cannot be done with her in your house tell her you love her and you support her and your willing to help any way you can but that moving in with you and your young family is just not do-able.
good luck hope all goes well

Wow...this seems to be a subject many have strong opinions of. That should tell you something right there.
My opinion is....Don't do anything that may jeopardize your own family. YOu don't need an example like that in your home and you need to put your family first. Based on what you have described, I have a difficult time seeing this end well. You will be of most benefit to encourage her to in her own life than to enable her to avoid be responsible for herself. YOu will be far better off offending her that potentially damaging your daughter and husband. Best of luck.
Find ways to love your mom from a distance.

this is tough. i had my mom with me for about a year, and although not the same history/issues, i can relate. mom just left back to her own home in another state, gonna give it another try with her fella, and i have to admit-i am relieved. it was hard to have her here. the role-reversal thing (my house my rules- ha ha) and because we are struggling, we had to ask for rent... the whole thing was difficult, but we all handled it with aplomb. that is, we were gentle with eachother. i can tell you, it is not an easy path to have your parents come and live in your home. your
situation seems even more fragile. i would advise a time limit set before had...such as 3 months or so. and don't forget the careful and gentle reminder as that last month approaches. i am a firm believer of taking care of family, but remember, you must first take care of yourself. this seems selfish, but really, how can you provide appropriate loving care to your family if you don't first give yourself the basics that you need. good luck, and feel free to write me more if you need...i feel that i have a lot of experience with this...

You can love your mother without doing something that I think you know deep down inside is a bad idea.

Is she ever bothered by leaving her children and doing something that might be viewed by others as not so nice?

You can still be the bigger person without doing something you know she wouldn't ever do for you.

Have a relationship with your mom ON YOUR TERMS not hers.

I agree with all of the women here. YOU are a Mom now and your little girl and your hubby deserve to have a peaceful household. The fact that you already have a rocky relationship with your mom will be amplified if she lives under your roof. You need to be direct and firm with her when you tell her NO. You are not responsible for her decisions in life, whether good or bad. I wonder what she is expecting from you after leaving you when you were a teenager? She cannot honestly expect you to say yes? How she handles everything if/when you tell her she cannot live with you may determine how your relationship will be from this point on.
It seems that you have spent a few years sharing space with family outside of the 3 of you - you deserve this time for YOUR family. I hope you take it, I don't think you'll regret it.
Good Luck to you!

Hi L.!

You sound so mature, and happy that you are finally "free" to make your own choices & decisions for your own little family. It sounds like a dream come true for you :o)

Your mom sounds like she's made some bad choices throughout her life, and you are very forgiving of that. Let me ask you:

Does it "help her" to have her younger kids living with their father? I mean, is she back on her feet yet?

Does it "help her" when another family lets her temporarily live in their home? Has she gotten back on her feet?

Do you think it will be different if you and your husband let her into your home? Do you think it will "help her"?

I know it's "your mom", but for your new family's sake, I think it's time to stop trying to help her. She seems to not be ready for a mature life yet, and will probably only disappoint you and aggravate things in your new home.

Maybe you could say something like "Mom, I love you and really want you to have some place to live, but please respect me enough to understand that I cannot let you into my home. Understand that as much as I still want the best for you, I cannot be a part of your living arrangements. I need to concentrate on my new family, and I want things to work for us without anything preventing us from having a great start........"

Or whatever :o)

L., your mom is a grown up. It's her responsibility to take of herself now. It sounds like you are the one that is used to taking care of her (maybe since you were little). But it's NOT your job anymore, and it never was. It's your job to provide a safe, loving, and warm home full of values and morals and lots of love for your family!

I hope something I've written has helped you in some way. you sound very torn in your decision. Good luck L.!

:o) N.

Hi L.,
After what might have been a bit of a rocky childhood, it sounds like you have a very good chance at a great life. Your husband and child are very important to you...let your actions show they are the most important and put them and your life with them first. Please let your mom know that you love her and if she would like you can help her find someone looking for a roommate (try the paper or craigslist...there are a lot of people looking to rent rooms right now) but that you are not able to let her live with you. You and your husband have made an agreement to move out on your own and start your own family life. This is so special....protect it.
Good luck,
K.

Hi. I know you want to help your mom out and all but this is not a good idea. My friend did this with her mom, her mom has hardly ever stood on her own two feet, she moved in with my friend and her husband and it was awful. They are now divorced. She was very passive/aggressive and did everything she could to undermine their relationship. I kept telling her get your mom out of the house, she never did and now it's too late. I love my mom but I know I could not live with her now that I am an adult and she feels the same way. Not to be mean but DON'T do it! Good Luck! Hang in there!

Please don't jeporadize what YOU want and let her stay with you just because you feel guilty. Put your family (baby & hubby) first. Your mother obviously never grew up (I have this in my family too) - it's not your job to take care of anyone but your baby and husband. Don't feel guilty - she needs to figure things out for herself or you'll just be enabling her behavior. Be strong & good luck!

Hi L.,

The women here have all responded with a resounding "No. Don't do it." Sometimes other people can see things so much more clearly than we can.

You are working to create a loving and peaceful home. You want to teach your children to be happy, responsible, successful. You want to create the stable, secure environment that makes your children feel safe.

You want to grow and mature in your relationship with your husband - including working through difficult times together (like this one may be). This also models to your children how to have loving and caring intimate relationships.

Having your mother in your immediate environment will sabotage these goals. It may also teach your children to sacrifice their own needs and happiness in order to keep the peace.

Explain to your mother that your own family is your priority right now. The values you are working to create in your home are not the values that are important to your mother. You can still love her, support her, and have an ongoing relationship with her - but she may not live in your home.

She will be angry. She will try to make you feel guilty. Please do not give in. Encourage your mother to get the support she needs - but understand that you can not change her.

I hope that you, too, get much support through these difficult times. It sounds like you have worked hard to overcome the poor parenting of your mother. Be prepared for this event to stir up old feelings and resentments.

Be gentle with yourself.

Warmly,
C.

I think you just tell her that won't work. If you can, offer her some money to set herself up in a short term apt. If not,be honest, "Mom, I'm sorry that just won't work. This is our first time being on our own and we'd like to have that experience in our new home."

Yes, there is that family thing, but...

Stephanie

I don't think you should let your mom move in with you. It doesn't sound like she would be a very good roll model for your daughter. It sounds like she has made some very bad choices in her life and it is not your responsibility to pick up the pieces. Your priority should be your family (your husband and daughter). She didn't seem to make you a priority when you were at an age when a daughter needs her mother the most. However, it sounds like you have turned out great dispite that.

I would just tell her that you are sorry that things didn't work out with her boyfriend and that she is welcome to come by and see her granddaughter. However, you and your husband would like to live alone since you have been living with your mother in law for the past 3 years. I'm sure she will get upset. But that really isn't your problem. If she was a caring mother she would understand.

I wish you the best.

I know you want to help your mom, but your mom has a history of bad relationships and leaving her children. You should not allow her to make you a crutch for her bad choices. You and your husband deserve to be on your own with your baby. Be a better parent than she was. I tell you this from experience. She needs to be able to take care of herself-tell her to rent a room from someone or something. It is time for you and your husband to live your life. Love your mom from afar because it seems like she has not changed her patterns from when she left you as a teen. Good luck!

L.,
I know that is hard to say no to your Mom but you really have to put yourself, your husband and child first. You REALLY need that alone family time for once! It's one thing if your Mom was working, going to school and needed your help for a short time but it sounds to me that she is looking for a handout and she knows that you are willing to give it to her. If you just can't say no, put down some guidelilnes. Let her know that if you she is going to live in your house she needs to follow your rules (funny how the roles of "Mom" seem to change huh) and she needs to dress appropiately in front of you and your husband and that the stay is only for so many days/months until she can find a place of her own. I know that this is all easier said than done but I really feel that it has to be done. Good luck!

N.

I wouldn't worry about how your mom dresses. That's the least of her and your problems.

If I were you I would tell your mom, "sorry, I love you but I can't let you live with us."

Your mom made her choices in life that have brought her to this point. She sounds very irresponsible. You have a right to your own life.

Good luck.

I think you should consider your own daughter in your decision. Ask yourself "How will the behavior of my mother affect my daughter?" "How will my reaction and stress in dealing with my mother 24/7 affect my daughter?" "How will my reaction and my husband's reaction to the behavior of my mother affect my marriage?" If the answers to these questions are negative in the slightest, tell your mother that you love her and short visits are fine but she needs to find somewhere else to live. Don't feel guilty if you tell her no. You are taking care of your family and that requires keeping bad influences, bad emotions and stress out. You have to think about your daughter.

Sometimes the hardest, and most grown-up, thing to do is say no. This is something you'll experience with your child over and over and it looks like maybe with your mom.

I know you love your mom and you'd feel guilty for not letting her live with you but your number one priority is your family. Is this what is best for your husband, for your daughter? It sounds like you don't think so.

Sit down with your husband and discuss it; if you both decide that what you really need is time to bond and form your family, then respectfully tell your mother that you love her but now is not a good time. You've worked hard to achieve this goal; you deserve it.

Your mother is an adult too, whether she acts like one or not, and you are not responsible for her actions or her feelings. If helping her hurts your family, then don't.

I've had to deal with a similiar situation and it took many, many years for me to not feel guilt for putting what was best for my family first. A loving no, is still love and your responsiblity is your family, not your mom.

Good luck

Do not let your mother come live with you. Do not try to make her into the mother you never had. She will never be this person. It is your turn to be a good mom. By saying no and taking care of your family, you will be a good mom.

Just say no. If you feel guilty, always remember that your child comes first. It is out of line for your mom, who was not there for you, to usurp your life now. It sounds like you are making a good life for yourself and your family. Don't let her destroy that.

Close your eyes and take a few breaths. Now ask, "What do I really want? What is most important to me?" When you are honest with yourself, you will know what to do. Do you want to create a loving peaceful home for your husband and child, while hearing about you mom's escipades outside your front door? Or do you want to create a life for your family while living through your mom's antics. with her under your roof? There will be no separation of life styles while someone else is in your home. Remember, you still haven't had the opportunity to create your family lifestyle of living alone as a family unit. Having anyone move in with you at this point would only pospone that again. You are the matriarch of the home. You are in control of and responsible for creating your family home. Choose wisely!

Hi L....

Tough love is one of the hardest lessons to learn...Your Mom is an adult...you have the start of a wonderful life...you can love your Mom and still not allow her into your personal space...Ill or not, it appears she is a user of people...historically man after man...you do not need her leaching the life from you...honor that she carried you and gave you life...but you do not owe her more than that honor...Make a happy home with your honey and your baby...be the Mom you always have wished that you had...Take the best of your Mother and your Mother-in-law and move forward in your life...you have your child to think of now...and your own sanity...

Good luck...

My heart to yours,
T.

I hope after seeing all the responses you have your answer. You have a child now and therefore you are a mom and you need to do whats best for your child. Introducing what seems to be a lot of drama into your house is absolutely not fair to your child. Now that you have a child, this becomes all about your baby. You have to make decisions based on whats best for her not for your mom. Your mom needs to learn how to take care of herself for once. She didn't take care of you for several years so I wouldn't be so inclined to take care of her now. Good luck and I hope you listen to these responses.

I agree wholeheartedly with the advice to put your family first. You can try and help and support her in whatever ways you can that are not detrimental to your family, though.

I agree with all the women that reply to you. SAY NO....

M.

It sounds like if you let her move-in, you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment. She's a grown woman and although she makes poor choices in men, she has to take care of herself. You have a husband and a baby... those two are the most important. And you say it's not that you don't want her with you, but it would be okay if you did. She was once your mother, but she gave that up when she left you. You are a better person than me for even wanting a relationship, but the last place you should have a person who has left 4 of her children behind, dresses inappropriately and makes poor choices is your home.

Focus on your family.

Good luck. I know this has to be difficult, but if you try to think logically about what's best for your baby and your husband, removing the emotion, it will make more sense.

You must be thrilled to be leaving your mother-in-law's home for a home of your own! After 3 years, you and your husband certainly deserve your own home and life. I think it's unfair for your mom to want to move in with you at this point. She needs to understand that you and your husband want (and deserve) your own life and home. You are an adult and this is what adults do. My first impression of your mom is that she's not comfortable being independent and living on her own. She may have never learned how to do this. I would sit down with your mom and have a long talk with her about how you feel. Be loving, gentle and reassure her that you will be there for her (if that's what you want) and offer to help her when you can.

Don't allow yourself to be sucked into something you don't want to do. Also, you mentioned that she dresses provocatively - this is a separate issue - I would tell her how uncomfortable she makes you and your husband feel - it would really be good if your mom could talk to someone - a therapist perhaps to find out why she doesn't value herself and independence.

Good luck

You are married and have your own family now that should be by far your first priority, doing everything you can to protect and foster their happiness and healthy development. There is no way that anything good will come to your husband or daughter if your mother lives with you. I'm sorry that she has not been a good mother to her, but you need to protect yourself and YOUR FAMILY (yourself, your husband and daughter) from any further harm - mentally, physically, etc. You could not control or influence the past, but you have a choice about what kind of future you want for your life, marriage and daughter's family environment... distance yourself from her drain on you all, and build a wonderful future with your family. Let go of wasting your time trying to fix the past, and instead focus on building a strong, healthy marriage and provide future for your daughter that you did not experience. Good luck!

You sound like a nice person, but please don't let nice translate into doormat. Letting her move in will not give a good relationship with your mom. She had a chance at relationship with you and she blew it. Your primary responsibility now is to your husband. Stand up to your mom, say no and win the respect of your husband, your mom(even though she'll never admit it) and yourself. Stay strong.

Hi L.,
Sounds like you're in a pickle of a situation, but, as a family therapist I'm advising you *not* to take your mother in. Help her get hooked up with social services (211 on the phone will get you Santa Clara County Social Services-- a good place to start) then let her live her own life. She is an adult and so are. You need to make your husband your priority-- the more you two can be a 'unit' the better it will be for your child.
Good luck!

I hope this is a real request. Take it from someone who has some serious experience with this stuff(moms acting like children and trying to guilt you to ruin your life b/c she's not happy). You are completely wasting your time and hurting your husband, your marriage, and your baby daughter if you continue to cater to your mother's whims. I advise you to get counseling or some mature person to suppoort you so that you don't fall victim to this pattern that your mother has set in motion so MANY years ago. These are hard patterns to break, but NOW is the time to do it. If you don't, you have an amazingly high chance of ruining your marriage and your chances of raising your child in a two-parent home. If you think your husband is being nice by agreeing to take your mother in, then you are kidding yourself. He is not doing you, your childish mother, or your daughter ANY favors by agreeing to this. It will take a major act of courage on your part to change the dynamic with your mother and learn to set healthy limits and boundaries and to hold her accountable for her own behavior. you have too much at stake to NOT grow and change. Direct your mother to some community help, a shelter, even hand her the classifieds to check for rooms for rent--anything--but giving away your only opportunity to create a happy home and marriage is nothing short of suicide. In time, you'll come to find out that honoring your own husband and daughter isn't betrayal, it is noble. You'll have to work on understanding how you are not responsible for your mother. No one ever thinks 'their' marriage could get tougher when they are in the wonderful stage of bliss that it sounds like you are in. Well, surprisingly, it does, and it takes a grown up to deal wisely with these challenging roles that you face. Best wishes, best to health and wholeness in you and your family's life!!!!