Mom of a Teen Avoiding School

She sounds much like I was when I was young. From the age of 10 I remember feeling very alone, misunderstood and didn't care much about anything. I found out in my adult years that I was depressed. My grandmother was severly depressed so you think my mom would have recognized the signs, but I think she ignored them because she didn't want to admit that I was. You don't want to do that! Help her now! The sooner you get control of it, the better! I regret much of my high school years because I was depressed and avoided much of it. Go to the counselor, get the help! There is no shame in having it!

Good luck!

Hi C.,

My hubby & I went through this when our daughter was in that age range. It is a scarey time to be a parent, especially with daughters.

I can share with you that our daughter got around the wrong crowd when she started high school. We lived on the outskirts of town so there were'nt many children around for her to play with. Actually there were none!

So she didn't have a lot of friends. We imported kids from her school and had play dates. But when high school came, like I said she met some pretty interesting characters. She found MySpace. That's where it all started. My husband & I fought about it, he was more leinant, I am not. She started talking on-line to these kids that were lonely like her. They then got together. Our daughter wants to save everybody. These kids were trouble and I saw our daughters grades go from a's & B's to d's & F's. It was scarey seeing the spiral effect. I put my foot down and grounded her. We did take her to counseling. We worked with her teachers, we made her birthday one of the most memorable ones. We did special things to let her know she was still special to us and that we loved her.

She is kind of a drama queen but aren't they all at that age. I know I was.
Needless to say, she did get into some trouble. Nothing major. We did catch her in some lies. She did get grounded. We fought alot. We laughed alot. It was the most trying time of my life.

But she'll be 18 in 2 weeks and she has turned out beautifully! Her grade point went to A's & B's. She's doing outstanding work in school. Just let her know you love her regardless. At that age they are so vulnerable.

My heart goes out to you. But just know it will get better.

J.

When I was in highschool, there was this group of girls that always picked on me and my friends. They were even a year below us! But it was verbal confrontations in the hallways and always promises they would also become physical. Just a thought, because avoidance was also my answer. The issue was resolved by my going to the guidance office and explaning the issue from my side and setting up a meeting with my friends and the "bad" gals. Feelings were never friendly, but they steered clear of us just to avoid any further reprimands. Is it possible she's getting confronted at school? It was extremely common for the senior girls to pick on the freshman girls as well. Highschool sure sucks. Is there something she can get into to increase her self esteem? Karate or another sport of some kind? That's my suggestion.
Best of luck.

Counseling is a great step, it is likey to be depression but prehaps something is bothering her even at home. Maybe she's scared about you and wants to stay home with mom.

If you want to scare her tell her this, this is true also.

In MN if you miss to much school you will have to go to court and be assigned a truancy officer. The truancy officer doesn't go away and follows you through the rest of school. At court they will set up a attendance plan and possible consequences such as community service, foster care take your kid away,drug testing you name it. I've known several people who have had these things happen to them and they were good kids, not on drugs etc.

Hello C.. Wow, I can really see how this could be hard for you.
I am a teacher/tutor here in Janesville. The symptoms you have stated about your daughter not wanting to go to school and feeling "sick" make me think that there is something at school she doesn't want to confront. Many times when children want to stop doing something they have started (i.e. school) it can be because they either don't understand something, or there has been an upset. I would really get into communication with her about every class she is taking, what exactly they are working on, and how she feels about each of the teachers and students.
You are doing a great job as a mom. She is a very fortunate girl to have a mom that really cares for her the way you do. As long as you keep being the mom you are, things will turn out OK. Just never let down, and never give up. You are right on the money for thinking something else is going on. It's just a matter of finding it out. Best of Luck.

The teen years are rough. How are her grades at school? Any changes there? Is she maybe having trouble with a teacher or another student? Does she still want to do other things that she usually likes to do? I think seeing a counselor is your best bet. Especially since you say depression runs in your family. I don't agree with trying to scare her. She may be trying to tell you she needs help and doesn't know how to ask for it. The counselor can help get to the heart of the matter, whether that is mild depression or her pretending to be sick for whatever reason. Just my two cents worth!

My daughter who is 13, had gone through the same thing. She told me that she didn't feel good most days. When I finally got tired of hearing that, I started making her go to school. Her grades dropped. She was an A/B student down to D's and F's. I thought maybe she was being bullied, the work was too hard for her, etc. Tons of things ran through my mind.

I finally talked with her. Asked her what was going on. At first, she said she didn't know. But the more I asked questions, the more I got answers. She was teling me that the work was too easy. What?!?!?? Then I read more about depression and ADHD and ODD. These things she was diagnosed with. The doesn't like to be labeled. Who does? But I found out that she doesn't like being "told" what to do. Who does?

Also that ADHD or ADD makes it hard for a kid in middle school. Trying to remember your classes, your homework, getting it home, then remmebering to do it and try to get it back to school. The work wasn't hard for her, it was everything else going on. We checked out a few other schools and we just switched schools. Today is her first day at a new school. They don't give homework, unless school work was not done. They don't switch classes, they only have 3 teachers. This school specializes in kids with high risk, depression, ADHD, ODD, and among other things.

Granted, the kids there are much worse off than my daughter, but we think this may help her. She may even become a role model for other students. I hope my story has helped you. If you ahve any questions or would like to talk, let me know.

Just email me!

M.

How are her grades? She may be experiencing depression. There are substances in our foods that help bring on depression. I have info on this but not sure how I would get this to you so you could investigate it and maybe change her 'diet' (diet, meaning what she's eating). (I'm brand new to this site) Also, could she be having bullying issues where someone is bullying her and she doesn't want to deal with it, so she doesn't want to go to school?

Have you talked with her teachers at school to see if there is something else going on that you are not aware of? My oldest is now 18, but when he was a sophomore he went through a bit of depression -- we took him to talk with a counselor and that seemed to help. He really was struggling to find his place among the other kids at school -- especially with the girls. It's not easy being a teen and there is a lot of pressure from peers as well. If you find a counselor she trusts and will open up to, it will help. Good luck and hang in there!! J..

Is it possible your daughter is being bullied and is afraid to speak up for fear of further attack by the bully and his/her crowd? School can be a vicious environment for some girls. Bullying can also be emotional and verbal, not just physical assaults. Thank you for taking her to a counselor. Keep reaching out to her and encouraging her. Good luck!

C.,

With all due respect, she may be emulating you. You say you are disabled due to "fibromyalgia". It is possible that she sees you as unable and she is learning that as a coping mechanism when she is tired, or not wanting to go to school because of a test or something that she dislikes. It is also possible that she thinks she needs to stay with you and help you. Perhaps if you joined activities during the day - where you were not home, she may have no desire to stay at home. Show her you may have health problems but are still able......that may help here.

C.

Hi C.! I am an ex-teacher now staying home with my 3 kids. I think you are doing exactly what you should be doing - listening to her and being there for her. I would definitely start with talking with the counselor ASAP. If depression deos run in your family then it truly can be a chemical issue. Better to find out now!! The other thing I thought of (sorry if it is too personal)- has she started her menstrual cycle? This could have something to do with it!!

counseling is important when you have a child at this age who is "asking" for help like your daughter is. There is much more going on than there seems to be. High school can be a very difficult place. She does sound depressed also. Keep up the communication as much as she will. Be involved with activities that interest her as much as possible.

Hi C.,
You have received a lot of good advice already!
I am a teacher and mother of 4 girls. Sometimes my girls
don't want to go to school either. When we get to the bottom of WHY it usually has to do with other situations and kids they are dealing with. Counseling and getting checked for depression are something you should look into.
What about you? How are you handling your health issues?
I know it is hard to help others (especially your own child)when you are not feeling 100%. Have you tried antioxidents? Or other supplements? OPC-3 is an amazing antioxident that has helped others with fibromyalgia, check it out at
www.marketamerica.com/vanderson
Thanks and I hope you find answers.
V. A