Help! I am pulling my hair. I have a very bright 5th grader who up until this year has gotten all A's and B's. This year he has quit trying. He lies about his homework, he gets terrible grades and doesnt seem to care. He even stopped trying at soccer which he has been very gifted at, he doesnt even run during the game anymore just waits for the ball to come to him. What to do?
I have taken away video games, phone, tv, etc... there isnt anything left.
I would stop punishing him and start listening to him. Something's going on in his life and with him and it isn't laziness.
There's a book called "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and How to Listen so Kids will Talk". I highly recommend it. There's a teen version, too.
Talk to him - but do it in a casual way. Take him out to eat or for ice cream and slowly mention the issues. When you mention it don't use, "I am concerned..." say something like, "What's happening in school - YOU use to get A's and B's, YOU use to love soccer...is something going on that has upset YOU?" Alot is hormonal development and I went through the same issues in middle school -- except my parents just punished me and made it worse. I wish they would have talked to me and respected my answers, even if they didn't agree - at least thought about them.
Hope he isn't a victim of bullying or the other horrible kind of victim...something is going on with him. Any changes in his life?
Has your son felt more challenged at things which were once 'easy' for him? I ask because this article may help you:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
This focuses on the reluctance of "smart" kids to try new things or accept challenges. This may or may not be part of the problem.
The other thing that stands out to me is that truly, from your description, he sounds depressed. Perhaps you would try talking to the school counselor; the counselor may be able to connect with your son in a very neutral way and find out if something serious like bullying is going on. Has something significant changed in your lives? (Shift in family structure, job loss, move or foreclosed home? Family member deployed?)Kids can worry about far more than we might suspect, so a school counselor might help uncover what's getting him so upset.
I hope you get the answers you seek and that he feels better about things soon. There's also a good book too, which I'll recommend (if Peg M. hasn't beaten me to it:) ) "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...And How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. It's right up this problem's alley...
It seems like something is going on that is really bothering or upsetting him. Is he bored at school, are other kids bothering him at school, what has happened? I would try to talk to him. If he doesn't say anything, then talk to his teachers and coach.
Is he depressed? Did something happen that's really bothering him? I'd start with your pediatrician and go from there.
He may be bored an unmotivated. He could be pushed so much he has just lost interest. He may be going thru hormonal changes. He may not have been taught to be responsible, just expected to be. He could be sick and not know it. He might be bullied. He could need help in organizing and planning. He may be gifted but spacial. He might not feel loved and appreciated and the list goes on. It doesn't have to be just lazy. Find out what else might be going on for him to suddenly change!
Smacks of depression. Something is definitely up with him.
Get rid of the video games. Research video game addiction for boys. This was happening to my 4th grade grandson when my daughter attended a seminar about gaming. Since getting rid of the games, our grandson's amicable personality has returned and he's doing homework and even playing outside some. He was never allowed to play very long, but it became the focus of his life---want to get everything else out of the way so he could play his games. Now he SAYS he's glad they are gone. Crucial ages in sensory development in boys is ages 6 and 12. Video games arrest that development and it causes all kinds of problems.
Sounds like depression to me. Contact the IMPACT counseling center at Lake ARlington Baptist Church and make an appt with a counselor. They have therapists that do play therapy and will be able to determine what is going on and how to deal with it. The number is ###-###-####. Praying for a quick resolution.
Take Care!
I agree with most of the responses. Something is going on with your son and I wouldn't wait to find out what is going on with him. If he won't talk to you I would get the school counselor involved or seek an outside counselor to talk to him. Try to open the lines of communication with him and approach him with only caring and concern. Let him know he can tell you anything no matter how bad it is. It could be depression but these are also signing of bullying or worse. Good luck.
For the homework part try having a routine everyday of coming home after school having a snack and sitting together to do homework. Maybe he needs help but doesn't want to say so. This will encourage him to try harder.
As for soccer, maybe he's not interested anymore. Try asking him if there is a different activity he'd Like to do instead. The possibilities are endless. Im sure the school has a pamphlet of things.
Just try talking to him.
You have received some amazing, wonderful responses.....the one that nails it is ReverendRuby.....I have been there and my son was being molested....do not do the talking in public, but do it casual (I was cooking dinner and had sent my other child to her room).....do not drill him but ask him and watch his face as you do.....please feel free to contact me if I can be of further help...
