Mom Gives No Reason for Not Liking Husband

My Mom doesn't like my brother in law because she says he's too controlling. He's not at all!!! He's a great guy and takes great care of my sister and her children. They've been married for 7 years. My Mom has cut ties with my sister which made it very tough on me. She has since stopped talking to me too because I don't feel the same way about my brother in law as she does. I haven't talked to my Mom since July because of it! I was very upset at first, but there's nothing I can do to change her mind. It's a sad situation because my son still remembers his Grandma, but she doesn't make the effort so I've had to let her go =(

Hi J., have you ever pointedly asked her why? It may be because the children came before marriage. Nobody is perfect certainly not me, sometimes mothers especially see that the "commitment" was not there on the fathers behalf and they may harbor some hard feelings toward them. I appologize if I'm far off base with this, I've just seen this first hand with a friend of mine. Her mother thought that her granddaughter's father was just using them because he did not marry her daughter first. Try talking, sometimes our parents offer a very valuable perspective we can't always see. Remember God chose to put you in a family with her....
S.

As a mother of 5 and a stepson, I thought this one through. She probably has a problem with the gloat taking 6 years to decide to commit to marrying you????.... good luck, your mom will get over it unless there is a reason for hanging on to the bad feelings that you don't know about.

I feel the same way. My mother feels that because my husband is not the spitting image of my b-i-l that he is just not good enough. My b-i-l is in the financial world and my husband is a blue collar worker. Just doesn't seem fair. Anyway, I just tell my husband that I love him and that is all that matters. Keep your head up. Sometimes parrents do not always know best.

LOL. I think it's a mutual thing between my husband and my mother. My husband doesn't like my mom because he thinks she is un-supportive & not responsible. This stems from the first year I new my husband, and she took my then 5 year old daughter on a road trip and failed to call and check in for a whole week and wouldn't answer her phone, then when we got married she refused to come to the wedding because my dad was there. She showed up to the reception about 20 minutes before we left for the night. As for my mom not liking my husband, she has no real reason other than my older daughter complaining that she gets in trouble all the time, but that's more her fault than my husbands. I just stay out of it as much as possible. The only time it really effects me is when they are both in the same state, luckily that's not too often.

I notice you say that it doesn't bother you anymore. I'd like to suggest that since you are posing the question here, it does bother you somewhat on some level...right?

My dad used to find fault with EVERYONE I dated and I finally realized that it was because he didn't think anyone was good enough for his little girl. I finally told him that "God is taken" and that no matter who I ended up with, he wasn't going to be perfect.

I've been married 10 yrs now to a great guy, and he and my parents got off to a really rocky start. It's still tough sometimes, because they live in a very different world than my husband and so they don't always see things eye to eye. But I have had to get firm with my parents and my husband both, several times, and they seem to now understand that I expect them to try to find positive things about each other to focus on - for my sake and the kids' sake. My parents and hubby all love me and want me to be happy, so telling them all how much it hurts me when they act like they don't like each other has made a big difference. They can gripe about each other (but not to me) on their own time - and behave civilly when we're all together. After all, we're supposed to be adults, right? It's time to start behaving that way.

i've been on the other side of that. My mother in law and other in law family members have not been able to give any reason why they don't like me. It used to tear me up. I spent many holidays in tears. Then I started looking at each of the individuals. I realized if they were people on the street I wouldn't want to be in close relationships with them. I know who I am and what I am about and I really don't need their approval to feel validated. I don't need them to approve of my marriage either. My husband chose me and chose to have children with me. We love each other and our little family. That's what really matters. I'm sure you can be polite and friendly without having a close relationship with her. I am certain there is someone out there who is willing to fill in that relationship gap for you. It has happened for me.

My family has given me grief for the last 10 years. My husband and I have an amazing relationship and we have chosen to retain our individuality in our marriage. When "family" gets together over the holidays or other times, we have an agreement that there is no obligation to attend. I would rather have him happy at home watching football than miserable at my mother's house. It truly doesn't matter to me if he attends gatherings or not. The same goes for his "family" gatherings and me. I have learned that my FAMILY is my husband, my children and me, the rest are our relatives. By agreeing to this we have put an end to hurt feelings and strife. My relatives have learned not to speak bad of him because I will not tolerate it - I can always leave. His feelings and heart are more important to me than theirs. There is a verse in the Bible that says, "a man shall leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife". I take this to heart for the both of us. And, as a bonus, our daughters are learning that marriage doesn't mean an end to their individuality and not to sweat the small stuff. Home life is too important.
I should tell you too that my husband and I are VERY MUCH IN LOVE and the BEST OF FRIENDS. Strife has no place in our lives so we simply don't give in to it. I do what it takes to make him happy, and he does what it takes to make me happy - yes it sounds simple and it kinda is....
Check out my "Mom Owned" business, we are ordained ministers that offer help for couples on a donation basis only. Good Luck!

J.,
You pose a very difficult question here. Family dynamics are very sophisticated, and while the basic question may be the same to the many people who have responded here, the underlying causes vary vastly. There is little detail provided in your posting about your relationship with your mother, or with your spouse. Though I would tend to agree with the person who wrote, if you are inquiring here about other women in similar circumstances you are bothered, even if not by the fact that your mother and spouse are at odds. I consider that a good sign. In your mind, there is a question, and questions are at the heart of solutions to conflicts.

You do not get to choose who your mother likes and dislikes, regardless of how you perceive the person in question. To believe that you do, or to insist on hashing the issue with you mother is likely polarzing the conflict further, aside from it just being arrogant of each party involved to assume they know all the details that "should" be considered as valid that affect that choice, or any of the details that are, in fact, influencing it.

I suggest you read a couple of books. The first is Safe People, by Drs. Cloud and Townsend. I found it provided insights into myself that helped me to understand what part I play in the dynamics of my relationships, and what part I don't, and can't, play. The second is Taking the War out of our Words, by Sharon Ellison. This book provides a method for non-defensively communicating that has helped me get to the bottom of a great number of issues that effected my life, and probably wouldn't have, if I'd know how to keep the situation from polarizing. If you choose to continue to address your concern to your mother, the second book should help you pose questions and get answers that will help you reach the root cause, and the first should help you decide if you want, need or can affect a solution.

At the bottom of this, my instinct tells me to caution you about discounting any part of your family because they make a choice you don't agree with. We are social creatures. We Need our families; All of our families. Any situation that forces you to choose between one person in your family and another warrants a great deal of careful investigation and concern. Don't cut out your Heart to spite your face. Only God knows everything.

Fortunatly, my husband and my parents get along. With that said. My parents were rebels in their time, and neither of my grandmothers liked the mates that thier child chose. To me, the reasons are just ridicuous, my mothers family was poor and not well educated. My fathers family was very religius, educated, middle class, and first generation in the US. The issues went as far as 10 years after my parents were married, my fathers mother told my mom, wasn't it time they got married in a real church! My mothers was bitter and angry. BTW, both families believe in a Christianity, so the religions were not that far off! Both grnadmothers were careful, not to have me and my sister witness anything bad being said, yet that didn't mean that we didn't know that their was a conflict. On easter when I was 16 years old, I had enough. I caught 1 of my grandmothers bad mouthing the other in her native tounge, my other grandmother of course had no idea of what was being said. I took the opportunity to respectively, call them both out and remind them that all of their "reasons" to dislike eachother was not only stupid and ridicuolus, my parents were happy, my sister and I were happy, and with each insult they made about eachother or my parents was a DIRECT STRIKE to me and my sister becuase we are from all of their blood. Needless to say, I can honestly say, the last 10 years were different. My only wish is that it happened, many years earlier. Hold on tight to yoour hubbys and stick togehter. Don't tolerate your husband or mother to bad mouth eachother in your presence. Good Luck