I Am in Love with Someone Else. What Should I Do???

Mr. A recognizes what is inappropriate behavior in a marriage and will not partake in it anymore. We don't know what his feelings for you were. But instead of taking it as a rejection of you, you could decide that what he is doing is in the best interest of his marriage and not a reflection on you.
But being that there is so much at stake here, I would seek some counseling. Especially since its been 4 years.

I haven't read the other remarks, but I would be surprised if they weren't along the same lines. The answer to your question, why did he stop talking to you, is as simple as the nose on your face. The real question is why you don't understand. All I can think tis that you are either totally in denial, or really naive.

This man doesn't want to talk to you everyday because he knows you are in love with him. And you shouldn't be. You chose your husband. He should have stopped talking to you when you got married, but he let you two play with fire. Shame on him. And shame on you. You've played out this fantasy in your head that you could keep your secret love and your husband at the same time. Did it make you happy? No. It made you miserable. And then your world collapsed when he married your sister and decided to put her first instead of acting like you in your marriage.

He has decided to act like a real brother-in-law instead of your best friend. And that's the right thing to do for you both. Your husband is supposed to be your best friend. Your sister is supposed to be your brother-in-law's best friend - not you.

Time to put your little fantasy aside and work on your marriage. Stop being cranky. Stop shutting your husband out of your life. WORK to be a good wife and have sex with him and teach yourself to love him. You will NEVER get your former relationship with your brother-in-law back. He is now FAMILY and needs to be treated as such. Your sister is supposed to be more important to you than her husband.

Do NOT talk to him about this anymore. You have no business dumping your "life" onto him. That's his wife's job. Act like family instead.

It may take you a long time, but you don't have any choices here. Your brother-in-law is not going to become your new husband. He isn't going to give you the part of him that belongs to his wife. He's not supposed to. And you need to learn to reserve for your husband what you are supposed to give to him - not to anyone else.

He got married and created appropriate boundaries.

You should do the same. For your sanity and health. You do want more, and it's unhealthy. You have convinced yourself that he was just your friend, and your real feelings are so transparent. His WIFE is his best friend now. He knows it's nor appropriate to constantly talk with a married woman, and it took him getting married to realize how crazy that was. I think you need to see a therapist, quite honestly.

There are two different things that are really going on here and they need to be handled differently:

Number 1: You are in love with another man.
Number 2: The other man is your sister's husband.

With regard to #1, you have to evaluate your own marriage. Is it worth saving? Do you still love your husband? Do you want to be married to him?

As for #2, you absolutely cannot do anything at all. You cannot say anything to your sister or to her husband. If you decide to leave your own husband, you still cannot act on anything with Mr. A. You can never be romantically or sexually involved with him. Ever.

I think you have to accept that the friendship is over. He has made it very clear that he felt his relationship with you needed to change once he was committed to someone else. Maybe your sister was jealous of how much he talked to you and asked him to cut off ties, but neither wanted to jeopardize the relationship between you and your sister. Enjoy his company at family gatherings and that's it. You have to think of him as your sister's husband, not your friend.

I really, really think you need to go to counseling. You obviously need and want to talk to someone about this and you need help working through your feelings. This is what therapists are for. Find one in your area that has good reviews and is covered by your insurance or willing to work out a manageable rate with you. Do this ASAP. You don't need to tell your husband the full reason you're going; you can say you need someone to talk to about the changes you've gone through since becoming a mother and how those changes have affected your life.

The sooner you start, the better.

1) you were having an emotional affair with Mr. A before and after you married your husband.

2) Mr. A probably stopped talking to you because he realized what was going on between you, or your sister did, and he cut contact to preserve HIS marriage. I do not, at all, blame Mr. A at all for what he did. I think it was a very smart decision on his part.

It really sounds like you need some serious counseling for your depression after getting married, and then again after having your baby. Look up and talk to your doctor about Post partem depression.

His wife became number one in his life and she probably wanted you to focus on your own husband and marriage instead of wrecking hers.
There is nothing harder than being in a marriage where you are totally miserable. So here's what YOU need to do.

You need to focus on your own husband. Eventually you're intimate with him, you have a child. You live with him in your home, so you must be at least content in some way.

YOU need to decide where you go from here. You have focused on this other man so much that you can't see what's in front of you.

Stop obsessing over it.
You've both made your choices and that ship sailed a long time ago.
He's got a wife now - he's her best friend now and that's how it should be.
Just let it go.
You need to make your husband your close personal friend.
You should have done that a long time ago.
If you can't do that then get divorced but leave Mr A alone.
Get some counseling to in order to get your head straight.

My first guess was that he felt that your close friendship was too close to crossing a line and did not want to do anything that could jeopardize his new family that he loves. You said yourself that your feelings for him crossed a line, and it is possible that both he and your sister could tell that was the case and decided that it was best for him to keep his distance from you, and I have to say I would agree with them.

You need to consider going into counseling, if it has been 4 years and you are still grieving then I think this has to do with a lot more then feelings you thought you may have had for someone who was not even a boyfriend. I would also consider marriage counseling to help you learn to connect with your husband better.

He stopped talking to you because he married your sister and became a husband. You have to understand how awkward this "friendship" would be for him, you, and your sister. Being best friends in this type of situation is just not ever going to work or turn out good.
What he did was best. I hope you can move on past this and focus on what you DO have and make it work. Best of luck to you.

If this is for real, you need to start living in the real world. The "love" was obviously one-sided from the start. It doesn't matter if he recognized how you felt or not and it doesn't matter if he felt the same way. Your life is what you created, so you either appreciate your own marriage and children and respect your sister's family... or you continue on as you are now, starving your own marriage and effectively ending it.

It's great that you say you don't want to disrupt your sister's life, but it still feels as if you have no issues disrupting your brother-in-law's life. Why? Because you don't ever refer to him as your brother-in-law. He's always YOUR friend or your husband's best friend.

Start respecting the fact that your sister's husband never, ever belonged to you. Respect the fact that while you feel it's you who has "trust issues" and all of that other stuff, it's really YOUR HUSBAND who is the one who ought to have the trust issues towards you. I'd be curious to know what he thinks about all of this... if he has any idea that you snowed him and dated him, got engaged and married to him, introduced his best friend to your sister and encouraged them to marry... all so you could be close to this other man. If the truth had come out in the very beginning it would have hurt no one.

If you want someone to tell you it's all right to leave your husband, that's your choice. You either love your husband or you don't, and you either think it's worth staying with him for your own reasons or you don't. You either learn to love him as a husband, as your partner, as your lover, as your best friend, or you don't. Whatever you think is missing from your own marriage? It takes effort.

You want a friend. Who is a man. Who is married to your sister. That specific man. Well... try your husband. All of the things you want to share with your sister's husband, try sharing with your own husband. Try building a bond with your own husband. He must have some sort of value to you other than having been a stepping stone to the other guy. Obviously he's not any more. So act like you're married to him or let him go.

You also need to start acting like a loving sister because your sister? She's not a stepping stone for you to get her husband either. She never was.

Marriage counseling. And individual therapy for you.

Lastly, if this is a plot line to a book or short story, it's a really bad one. It's too convoluted and the main character is not very empathetic. In fact, I'm angry with her. Try it from the point of view of the sister.

I think you need to see a therapist to help you work through all of these feelings. It's possible that Mr. A. married your sister and gets what he needs from his marriage and doesn't need your close friendship as much. This is natural. He even told you that he is busy at work and with his new wife. You need to find a way to let it go. You are fixated on this man and are sure if he was in your life it would be better. This is not healthy. Possibly all of your feelings were amplified with the hormone explosion you went through having a baby. But whatever the problem, it is not healthy. Find someone to help you work through your feelings, let go, and become comfortable enough with yourself to decide how you want to live your life from now on.

Also, perhaps put yourself in your sister's shoes. How would you feel if your husband was texting/talking to another woman, one who was probably in love with him, all the time? Even if your husband had done nothing wrong? You wouldn't like it. I can't imagine how betrayed I would feel by my own sister doing this.

He is not yours. His job in life is not to be the crutch you rely on because you aren't happy. I'm sure you are a good person, but you need to let this friendship go.

He's now a married man who either 1. realized he can't continue to be that close to another woman besides his wife (even if that woman is his SIL) or 2. His wife, your sister, has picked up on your closeness or your feelings and has put a stop to it now that they are married.

I think that you should put a stop to pining away for him, especially since he is your BIL now. Mourn the loss of you close friend, and move on to celebrate your sister's happiness.

He stopped talking to you because he realized that your relationship with him was more intense than it should be, when he was marrying your sister. HE DID EXACTLY WHAT HE SHOULD HAVE DONE. He is honoring his commitment with your sister, and ending his emotional relationship with you.

Let it go. It's over. And don't tell anyone else of these feelings, ever, unless it's to a therapist. It's bad enough to want someone else's man, but it's thoroughly disgusting to want your own sister's man. Sorry to be harsh, but it's time to grow up.

Reread Doris Day's response -- it's spot on.

Wow! How sad for your husband! I wonder if he realizes you have been cheating on him in your head and in your heart for the past ten years!

You made your choice and so did Mr.A. Get counseling and keep your committment to your husband.

Oh and welcome to Mamapedia, again.

The grass is always greener...

But real life, messy as it is, beats daydreams all hollow.

Start daydreaming about your own husband instead - and turn your back on *any* other dream person.

If you start thinking about that other man, put your husband's face on that thought instead. You're in charge of what you think about.

Friend? Find a better one. Find a bunch! They're out there.

Counseling might help. You're certainly not the only woman out there with a daydream life. It's very, very common.

Your sister picked up on your crush and told him about her feelings. He has decided to stay away. He loves his wife.

You CAN NOT have your "FRIEND" back, because you STILL want MORE....you and your husband (if you want to make your marriage work) should move as far away as possible. Do you really think your husband doesn't have a clue? If he does, perhaps he should just move along and you do what you need to do. This is a sad situation no matter how you look at it and you need to get REAL for the sake of your CHILD.....

God is the only person who can help you with your problem. Pray to God to help you forget and move on. I prayed a similar prayer (way different situation) and I never thought of that man EVER AGAIN! I went from daily obsession to never thinking about him again. I didn't know him. I did not know his last name. Had not seen him in years, but I could not stop thinking about him. I was tortured for years with thinking about him. I couldn't stand it anymore and I cried out to God to please remove it. He did.

ACCEPT you cannot have your friend back. It was not a normal, typical friendship. So the friendship is over and it should be over as you have too many issues with it. YOU should sever in on your side out of love for your sister. If you care about him at all, you should sever it for him also.

One of the 10 Commandments lists adultery as a sin. Do you know why? Because it hurts (and can destroy) everyone. It hurts you, it hurts the other person, it hurts THEIR spouse, their kids, YOUR spouse, your kids, in-laws, relatives, friends.... See how horrible this is? See how big the ripple of pain will be???

God does not want that for you or him or anyone in your families.

He suddenly stopped talking to you because he didn't want to destroy his wife (your sister) or hurt you or himself. That's why. Good for him that he was stronger than you are.

BSF Bible Study Fellowship
https://www.bsfinternational.org
Sign up for a Bible study class. It will change your life. Reading the Bible will give you a new, fresh perspective. It will renew your mind. That's the cure here.

I would suggest talking with a counselor to resolve these feelings and figure out where to go from here.

I would suggest that you make it your job to fall in love with your
husband again. You have to exhaust every avenue in the relationship
that you are in before dissolving it. Leave Mr. A alone, no matter what.
If your marriage fails and his fails 10 years from now, you might
want to consider it then and only then.

I kind of think Mr. A is a good guy for the fact that he stopped talking to you after marrying your sister. That has got to be hard to love someone and them not love you back. You must let that rest at this point. Just as you said, you cannot jeopardize your sisters family because you really love her. So don't. I think he's playing it smart. Maybe he never had feelings but knew you did so just wants to maintain that distance. I don't know but I think you have to realize that life goes on. Take a step back and really look at your marriage and see if it's something you and your partner can make work and if not then you need to move on. Without your husband and without your sisters husband. Just remember life is not over. You have a child who needs you so make your little one your greatest priority and remember that they learn by the choices we make as well. I wish you the best of luck sweetie.

You need to talk to a counselor.

I think he stopped because maybe he found it inappropriate. He stopped talking to you so much because his sister became his best friend. That is generally what happens in a marriage. There was no longer a need for him to text, chat, or talk on the phone all day. If you are unhappy with your marriage then maybe you should get a divorce..and if that just is not an option then you have to work on your marriage. I don't see you getting him back as a friend. And honestly because of your feelings you shouldn't try. I am sure that sucks but you have way more then just you to think about now. And something else to think about is maybe figuring out what else is going wrong. To be this upset for so long kind of makes me wonder if something deeper is wrong.

you said you think you are in love with your sister's husband, and then at the end you said you wanted to at least be friends with him again - I think it is best for all of you (you, mr. a, your sister, your husband, and your entire family) to remain as it is. If there should be a change it should be for the better not for worse. He might have intentionally kept a distance from you because he is a married man now, and to your SISTER. It is just proper to keep distance from opposite sex especially if you know that there is more to that other than friendship. Instead of contemplating on your lost friendship which might cause something else afterwards - I think it will be best to put all your energy and devotion to your husband and your child. When you love someone you have to accept them as who they are even their flaws (that's one thing I've learned by the way) and work your way into compromising with each other to work on your differences. You should rekindle the romance between you and your husband (and not mr. a). Married life isn't always happy and blissful and honeymoon stage, it can be boring but it's your love for each other and your kids that will help you get through tough times. Talk to your husband often and spend quality time together with your child. Think of other productive things instead of contemplating on your past. Besides you don't want to hurt your sister, your parents, your husband, your child if you continue to dwell with that idea of you and mr. a. For all you know it's nothing to him, he doesn't like you and was just nice and then when he realized that you are very attach to him he kept his distance because it is not appropriate and he love your sister so much. You see there's a lot of possibilities, but it's always better to do the right thing. Pray to God to help you get through this. God bless you and your family!

I'm sure he had the same feelings and the only way he can deal with it is to end contact with you. Let it go and take the time to grieve the loss. I'm sorry the friendship didn't work out.