Mom Friendships and Feeling Left Out

There may be factors you don't know about that bind these three in a way.
Part of it is the daughter aspect.

I have had things like this happen and it's caused me some pain. I had to withdraw from it or it would make me sad. So I didn't spend much time around them. Guess what? I am still fine. I just ignore what I can't change.

I try not to wait to be invited to do things with others. I'm more of a take-charge sort of person rather than a wait-and-see-and-hope-I'm-invited person. That doesn't mean I'll invite myself along on things, but I WILL create events and invite my friends out with me.

It seems you might be more shy than I am but I do have some anxiety and shyness about certain social situations. I guess I just weigh the risks and benefits of being the one to move things forward.

I totally know where you're coming from! I had that when my daughter was in dance. All the moms would sit and talk during the dance class and they all knew each other from school so they had lots to gab about but I didn't know any of them. Sometimes they would all get up and go for coffee down the street. I tried to make friends with the ones that had daughters that my daughter liked from dance class, but they had their little "clique."

I've noticed that girls never really grow up. Deep down we're all still in high school, still trying to "belong!"

I also have friends that are hard to nail down because they are so "busy" all of the time. I'd love to get together, but they never have time. Then suddenly I'll see them post on FB about getting together with other people so I know if she really WANTED to see me, she would.

Sometimes you just have people on the fringes of your life. I know it sucks to feel left out, but I can't think of anything else to do about it. Some of it has to be that the daughters love to play together and you have a son. Some people are just super busy.

I would just continue on with what you are doing. Attempt to get together with the one friend. Try to organize an activity.

And if they talk about a trip in front of you, there are many things you could say. For example, if they all went to the beach you can say "Oh, I've always wanted to go to that beach! How was it? Do you recommend it?" or "I love that beach, I bet you all had a great time!"

That way you're talking about what they are talking about in a positive way, and you're letting them know you're interested in going next time without inviting yourself or making them feel bad.

Good luck! HUGS!

I understand where you are coming from. When I moved into this house, about 4 yrs ago, there was a woman who lived a few houses down and she had a daughter and son my daughter and sons age. I was excited to meet her, and finally introduced myself when I saw she was having a garage sale. We had a nice chat but it didn't go any further at the time. Even after inviting her to the park with the kids a couple times, she couldn't make it and it just fizzled. I wasn't going to keep asking and asking.

A couple years later our girls are in the same Kinder class. We would see each other on the walk to school and it became a nice acquaintance, but there was just no connection.

Then, about a year later, another family moved in right across from her and these two women got along immediately and formed a close friendship in no time, one in which I was the 3rd wheel on the rare occasions we were together at drop off or pick up.

I got some great advise from someone on this site - get off your street! So I did, and since I'm not an extroverted person who makes friends easily, I decided to start a Girl Scout troop. Good for my daughter and good to meet other moms. I'm really enjoying getting to know the two other moms I'm leading with - they are really nice women who I can connect with and who don't talk negatively about other people - thank God!

I'm hoping our friendship continues so we stay friends after GS is over. But I find myself different with them than I was with the neighbor, honestly. With the neighbor, I learned I was probably trying too hard and I felt awkward and probably came off that way to them. I realized, for me, that I had to relax and let it happen naturally, if it was going to happen, and if we didn't connect, then not to take it personally. It's like what I tell my daughter and her friends - sometimes you just don't get along - it not because you are a bad person or she is a bad person, we just are different people and that's ok. I have to remind myself of this sometimes :)

OK, I've been in this "mom friend" business a long time . . . my two are almost 19 and 16.

When I look back through the years, at our experiences in a couple of different schools and then with homeschooling - what I would do differently is probably be a bit less attached to some of the "mom" friends. Of course sometimes it works out and is wonderful - but there may be times down the road in the future when you wish you were not quite so connected. Your kid may grow away from certain kids and want to go in a new direction with friendships. You guys might move. You may want to change schools. 1001 different things could happen.

If I had it to do over again I would always be nice to other moms, yet "professional." I wouldn't "tip my hand" too much or too often. I would put more time and effort into friendships that weren't necessarily connected to my kids - i.e., in pursuit of interests that I'm passionate about.

Don't get me wrong - it's nice when it works out. My only point is that things could change so much for your kids in the next 10 years. Chances are you will look back on this time period and wonder why it bothered you so much. One of my best "mom" friends right now is someone that I just met a few years ago. And our kids get along great which is such a blessing. As for your current friends seeming to hit it off without bringing you into the circle - you never know the whole story. Over the years I've come to realize that certain circles of friends have habits and interests that absolutely would not appeal to me (heavy drinking being one of them).

I wish you luck. Please don't let this get you down too much. Everything will turn out OK.

Hmmm. You did say you invite them to things... What I think is going on is mom#1 is the organizer and she has girls... You don't say if mom#2 has a girl or not... But 1 and 3 do. Mom 3 isn't an organizer and mom 2 isn't likely isnt bc she's so busy. Think it's all mom1? And coincidently, that's who you're not close to. I have two thoughts. Organize parties with all of you. You said you invite them to things. Does that include mom1? I really wanted to make friends as a new mom. I did but I worked at it. We're like the party people or constant hosts. And now we have so many "friends" I kind of get to the point of just not having room for more. I say friends like fun to hang out with vs a real BFF. But time is limited. It did take some work and effort though so in a way we're the "popular" couple but mainly bc we made an effort. So you could make even more of an effort. My other thought is its not going to work bc you have a boy.... They have three families that the kids get along. They just don't need another. Nothing personal. But you have a boy and that will only get harder as the kids get older. I'm just being practical as mom1 may be. So can u work on moms of boys?....

I'm sorry you feel this way...honestly, your sadness just pours out in your words. I completely understand and was in a similar position before I had children with a group of friends...I even introduced two of my friends to each other just to find out two days later they were planning events without me.

I haven't hung out with any of them in years, and it retrospect, they weren't very good friends. I know you said you didn't want to hear it...and I know how bad it sucks to want to be included and then aren't...but I think you know the answer, because what we don't want to hear is often the truth. :(

If you didn't live across the country from me, I'D go hang out with you. ;) Head up...continue to plan and create events for you and Mom #3 (and it's okay that she doesn't plan...she comes when YOU do, right?) and know that you aren't perhaps as immature as mothers 1 and 2.

I honestly cannot handle groups of women friends. I've been thinking about this recently. The women I am closes to are my single women friends I collected during grad school. I've tried to build close mommy friendships but I honestly find it painful.....

I discovered, for instance, that my closest friend invited two of our other friends for dinner and didn't ask us, because I don't play board games. It hurt to be excluded, but when I really thought about it, I decided I didn't want to be included. I don't get board games, I prefer discussion, and I honestly find two of the women to be very judgmental and bitchy. I have since then pulled away from them all and I am so much happier! I see one of them all the time still but I don't feel excluded because I have decided to not have them in my life. Sometimes we long for what others have but sometimes the fit just isn't there. It was painful to be trying to make something work that just didn't. Letting it go was the best decision I could make.

Like everyone else I'm going say I know exactly how you feel & have been in the same position. Our older son goes to a small Catholic school that tends to be clique-y & gossip-y. Some of the moms at this school behave like high school & shun other moms or are very cool & aloof w/them. Funny thing, those moms have daughters who all act the same way....imagine that! ;) Anywhoooo, one of these moms I met when our boys were in Gymboree as babies. We became good friends, got together several times a week, nights out w/just us parents, babysat each other kids, threw each other baby showers. By the time our boys were in 2nd grade it all started changing; she wasn't as available to get together, spending more time w/these other moms & it has now gotten to the point where she will walk right past me in the yard & NOT even look at me let alone speak to me. C'mom, really? We've changed each other kids poopy diapers & she walks right past me? Then there are times she can be friendly but she still appears awkward around me at times & most of the chatting is out of necessity or cuz I start the conversation. Does it hurt? You bet! But I have since decided it is something w/her as she treats other people that she's known a while or not very long the same way. I have luckily, made other friends. As I said earlier, this is all reminiscent of high school & while I miss the friendship, I'm not going to let it get to me too bad. I've realized the friendship has changed & made other friends or tightened friendships w/other ladies.

Hi V.,

Some people are just clueless. I don't have a better explanation for it. They just *are*.

It sounds like you know your own feelings and that you aren't getting what you want from these relationships. Aside from asking you "Is there anything you are/aren't putting out there which might influence this", I don't have any fantastic advice.

I've been where you are to a certain degree, and I know it's not fun. I also realized that this particular group of women were not going to be discreet about what they did because *they* didn't feel they were doing anything wrong. I didn't know where the disconnect was, and felt bad about it too. Over time, though, I have realized that I'm okay with this. I think we just have very different personalities; I'm pretty type-A and like to plan ahead and they are more laid back and very spontaneous. Nothing wrong with either way of doing things, but realistically, those two types don't always fit easily. Some of them also, I think, needed each other more than I was needing that group, if that makes sense. Not saying that in a judgmental way, but more of "just where we were in our lives" way.

The complexities confound me, sometimes, as well. I have learned to just accept what people have to offer, to offer what I feel good offering, and to find other ways to have my desire for friendship fulfilled.For me, this was making an effort to stay connected with old friends who I had a good history with.

That said, that one friend who I had a deeper connection with in the group-- that's where I make a concerted effort. So continue to put your efforts there. Continue inviting the other ladies IF you want to, and maybe even expand your circle of moms so that some new women are invited. I did find that my son's preschool and school aren't great places to make long-term friendships. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but that from feedback other moms of older kids (high school age) have given me, it is the exception as opposed to the norm.

I hope you find a way to feel better about this and remember-- this likely isn't about you.

When you have school-aged kids, it seems like you socialize with the parents of your kids' friends. So, considering how close the little girls are, it makes sense that the mom's would hang out a lot too. It sounds like all of these women like you very much, but are also very much wrapped up in their own schedules. I would invite them yourself to do things. You can have them all over for wine or whatever. They'll enjoy it, you'll get some friend time. At the same time, try to foster new relationships with other women--maybe some of the parents of your son's friends. It's hard when you feel left out.

Such an interesting dilemma! I thought I'd try to offer a perspective from the other ladies' side of it.

I had two close friends (our husbands worked together) and we were all pregnant at the same time and would go to the gym in the mornings. Another woman (whose husband worked with ours) worked at the gym and was constantly inviting one of us to do something, or inserting herself into our "circle". She came across as very needy and clingy, and while we would sometimes accept her invitations it was not a friendship that any of us wanted to cultivate. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. I never understand why people get so upset about that.

Anyway, she stopped trying and we were all cordial and all was fine. Not sure exactly how she felt, but we have all been good to each other. Fast forward 6 years, and this woman is now divorced, recently won a fitness competition and is a whole new woman! Her self-confidence and self-awareness now make her a very appealing friend. She is no longer clingy and desperate, but is confident in her own skin and I think that is what makes me want to be her friend, much more than before. We have started having more conversations and even my husband noted the difference in her.

Anyway, I'm not even sure if this applies to you (and please don't think I'm calling you desperate), but sometimes trying too hard is a big turnoff to others. I still think it's great to invite them to things, but sometimes taking a step back is important too. Give them some breathing room. You can make yourself available without forcing yourself into their circle.

Sincerely wishing you the best of luck!

Stop trying to define your friendships based upon your kids. Your kids don't have to like each other, be the same ages, or even hang out for you to be friends with their mom.

My bestie and her hubs have 4 kids. 3 are girls (6 yo twins, 8 yo), and 1 boy (9). My boys (10 and 11) don't really get along with any of them exceptionally well....but M and I are still besties. And my hubs and her hubs are friends as well. It's okay. My kids have other friends, and so do hers.

I agree with Mindy T. Trying inviting the moms to something for just the moms, that doesn't revolve around the kids. That may be where you're getting hung up.

Morning
I have been in your shoes and still am to some degree. At my son's school, the kids in his class have all gone to school together since kinder.... and we didn't become part of the school until 5th grade.. I don't get invited to anything the parents do and my son, although he has been invited to one or two events, he too isn't always invited. It's definitely been kinda hard at times... For now, I just deal with it. When I pick my son up at school, I bring a book so that I can read while waiting so I don't have to feel awkward while standing alone.. Oh I have some people that I have come to know, However, we just don't hang outside of his school.. I suppose these types of things just happen in life.. I know what you mean about adult friendships being more complex..... Whereas when I was younger, it seemed much easier to make friends ... Maybe you could give it one last try and invite the mothers over for a BBQ... if after that you still feel that not much of a connection is being made and you still aren't invited to events.. then maybe try and detach from it for awhile... I feel that if I allow myself to think about it too much, I get sad.... However, when I move on and let go... I find I feel and do better.. Maybe you just need a little distance from these women... who knows, it might help you get a different perspective..

I wish you the best

It can be hard when those friendships mostly revolve around kid activities. 7-9 year old boys and girls typically dont play together, so if your kid is a different gender, you may not be included in some of the playdates or outings. I would suggest inviting the moms over for a ladies night out, a night out to the movies or something else that does not revolve around the kids. While I'm not a cliquey person or the type to intentionally not include someone, when my son was in preschool, probably 8 of the 12 kids had older siblings around the same age, so many of us already knew each other from school, gymnastics, scouts or whatever. We were just closer with each other than the moms who didnt have older children.

It is rare & few that three women can all be friends and adding a 4th to the loop. I thought we were out of high school but seems like it is carried on as adults. I hope you find a friend that you can rely on. I am blessed to have one of those friends in my life. We do not do a lot together but that is ok, I still love to exercise with her and go out to lunch. I too wanted "FRIENDS" all the time but I am learning that as you grow you don't need so many friendships. Best wishes and if they do not accept you for you it is time to move on!

I have gone through things like that with friends and with relatives! So I decided to invite MYSELF to things. For some reason at times they decided I didn't have the money to do something, or the time, or that (they decided without asking) that I'd be doing something else. I can only speak for myself, of course I get jealous about some things. My sister used to do wrestling events with her son, a college wrestler and invite my other family members, because she decided I was always doing things with my own boys. While I was at times, I wasn't all the time and would have loved to have seen her son wrestling or her other son's college football games. Well, as time went on, I figured out those were some of the reasons and in the most recent years if I know I can make something I horn in on them. They can always say no and appear to be very happy that I invited myself and my husband. And I am very sensitive, but I don't give a hoot anymore about whether I actually get an invitation, I just ask if there's anything up in the near future. Yes we do go to my husband's family events, too, so we do get busy, but I'd like to do some things, too.
Then my poor husband thought perhaps it was him-his language or his background and I told him to absolutely forget that.
And we thought perhaps they all decided we were the poor relatives and I told him once to let them think that, then they aren't asking for money haha!
Yes, it hurts, feels bad, but there are ways around it. Most of the time I realize I wouldn't have gone on the trip to Las Vegas with the royal hockey team even if I had been invited. It would just feel better to be able to say NO.
hug!! And one more thing-you sound like such a sweetie I just want you to Know it is THEIR loss if you aren't present at some of these things.