Mistake/Marriage Breaker?

I don't think he's wanting to leave the marriage because you didn't empty the pull-up garbage. It's something else but he's using that as an excuse.

I think you should seek counseling. If you feel emotionally beaten down, then it's more than what's in the trash. HE could have taken the trash out, too.

Sounds like a he's a big baby. Yes, see a counselor for some perspective. I understand if he lost his cool or is fed up over a pattern of behavior, but if you are living in fear of his reactions to things, then there is something very wrong. I ralso read into the post that you are shouldered with the household chores and work?? Not fair.

Your husband is right. You do "need to think about what you need to do." You need to think about how you are going to protect yourself from his controlling and mentally abusive behavior! So, in short, his comment was right, but not in the context he intended it.

R., you are not a failure for not being organized. You are a hardworking mom who shouldn't have to worry about "screwing up" so your husband won't get mad at you.

Shame on your husband for making you feel so unworthy, beaten down and broken. Yes you should go to counseling, but for yourself. If he wants to change, then GREAT. But you deserve to be treated much better, and your daughter deserves a better role model or she may end up being treated just like you in her marriage one day.

Hugs, R.. You are a competent, intelligent, hardworking, loving mother. Don't let him crush you.

This is the last straw for HIM? How about you realize that you are married to a controlling abusive jerk and it's the last straw for YOU!

AuRevior, hubby, and don't let the door hit you on the way out!

Your husband needs to get over himself. While he may be frustrated with you, forcing you into a defensive position all the time is cruel. He married you- he should know you- if you're ditzy about trash, you're ditzy about trash. Personality traits don't fundamentally change. He's the one who needs to make decisions. He can stop being an a$$ or pay handsomely in a far worse way than a piss smelling bathroom.

Ummm, hes your husband, not your dad. Your a fulltime working mom? Whats the reason he cant take the trash out? Maybe you should be pissed that he didnt do it. Maybe he needs to chill out more and help you around the house. Quit beating yourself up, hes just as capable as you are to take the dang trash out, or anything else.

I remember your other question. I'm not sure this is about YOU, or your organization and cleaning difficulties. He sounds like he is emotionally abusive and controlling. How long is he going to beat you down emotionally and insult every attempt you make, before it turns into something else? Few men spend a large amount of time ONLY treating a woman like this without escalating. Does he ever have anything good to say about what you do? When you try, does he criticize even that? Is he constantly telling you what is wrong? Does he ever say nice things to you, treat you kindly, laugh with you, encourage you, recognize what you are doing good, and try to be understanding? I really think this is more about HIM, rather then YOU.

I think it's a great thing you want to get counseling, and I highly encourage that. I think all of this is a symptom of his problems, also.

I was married to a man like this and took it for 13 years. Then I got counseling and made the decision to leave him – he had been threatening to leave regularly, anyway, and had even moved out a few times (until it was more convenient for him to live at home).

He was shocked and deeply regretful when I called it quits. He begged me to reconsider, and promised (not for the first time) to change. But he had been taking out his childish petulance on my daughter, as well, and I couldn't stand to see what that was doing to her.

We left, with nothing but our clothes and a couple of items of furniture that I had bought myself. We were both so much happier without Mr. Hissy Fit. I wish I had left much earlier. Life got good, and I eventually met and married a wonderful man.

I wish you well, R.. You sound like a nice person who is willing to accept responsibility. Too bad your husband doesn't sound as responsible. I'll bet if you were to be the one sending the ultimatum. his tune would probably change pretty quickly.

Yep. Sounds to me like he's either going to be a cheater or a beater. Uh, yeah go to counseling right away.

BTW - Are you sure it's not his pull-up he's smelling? He's acting like the baby.

R., I am sending you a virtual hug. You sound very down on yourself. I wish you could realize how imperfect ALL of us are, and how often we all drop the ball. Forgetting to take the pullups out to the dumpster is NOT A BIG DEAL! jeez, how many times have I done something just ridiculous like... hmm, put milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge? Forget to pick up my kid from school (luckily the secretary called after 10 min!)...paid a bill late, washed poopy undies with all the other clothes, thus making a whole load of laundry reek of poop... okay, I could go on and on. The fact is, many of us have "mom brain". We have so much going on, that sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes very silly ones. That is why it is sooooo important to give each other grace. My wonderful 6 year old daughter understands this better than anyone.... how many times have I made a big blunder, only for her to say, "It's okay, Mom. Don't you know that everyone makes mistakes?"
Every once in a while, yes, one of my mistakes will piss my husband off. And vice versa. Usually just when one of us has had a really crappy day. But it really is not okay for spouses to get so upset at each other for mistakes like this. You two are supposed to be a team, to support each other. It's not like you wrecked the car, or secretly racked up $50,000 in credit card debt... you forgot to take out the trash.
It sounds like you are trying very hard to be a good wife and mom. Good for you. Now, sit down, write down all you DID accomplish yesterday, and pat yourself on the back. I think it would be a good idea to get into counseling asap. It sounds like maybe your husband needs a reality check.

At least your mistake didn't cost the family money. Your husband's mistake now will cost you your time to go the store and the cash to buy a replacement trashcan. Looks like he is not perfect either. Is he aware of the fact he makes mistakes too. The biggest being how he treats you!!

.

Sweetie-I think it is getting close to enough. Unbelievable that he would make such a deal about leaving the diapers inside. Seriously-that is f'd up. And I really hate that you are beating yourself up over it. Please stop-it is NOT that big of a deal at all, regardless of what he tells you. You do not deserve to be treated like this. I bet that you are living in fear of making your next 'mistake'. You are an adult and 50% of your partnership-he is treating you like a child. I can't even tell you the mistakes that I make and my husband makes that we both overlook. Mistakes that have cost lots of money too.

Make an appointment for yourself tomorrow with a counselor. You need to realize your worth and it sounds like you will need someone to help you do this. Once you feel strong enough I will hope that you can stand up to him-look him straight in the eye and say who the F cares about the diapers. YOU take them out if they are so important to you. I would be very interested to see what your bully of a husband does when you finally stand up to him and he knows you will not take it anymore. And be ready to leave him-life without him will probably be a heck of a lot easier for you and your children.....because I am quite sure he is or will hold your children up to his impossible standards. You would hate to see them suffer like you do.

Obviously this isn't a "marriage breaker" type thing. There are some other major problems going on in the marriage to make him say this. You need to take a long hard look at your marriage, seek counseling, and decide from there what you both want.

R.:

I've not read the other responses...here's my take:

1. Hire a cleaning company to come to your home once per week to clean the house. They will empty ALL the trash cans when they come.

2. Search for a professional organizer in your area to help you get organized.

3. i would go to my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and ask them to test me for adult ADD - if you are easily distracted or overwhelmed by simple tasks - becoming unorganized - you need to talk with your PCP - I know some may believe this is NOT a Dr/Health problem - but it is in my opinion....if not depression or something else that does not allow your brain to process the tasks at hand without getting distracted.

4. You and your husband need to sit down and discuss household responsibilities...for example:

My husband is responsible for being the bread winner of the family.
My husband is responsible for taking care of the things I break.
My husband is responsible for taking the trash out from the garage twice a week, to include recycling.
My husband is responsible for general repairs around the house, etc.

I am responsible for cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, being here when the kids get home from school, preparing the checks for him to sign when he gets home for items that are not already done electronically.

You BOTH need to have responsibilities that you BOTH agree to do EACH WEEK to help the household run smoothly.

Make a list of EVERYTHING you need to do each day - prioritize it. Carry the list with you - if it needs to be detailed - so be it - instead of generally saying "clean house" - break it down to dusting, vacuuming, making the beds, doing laundry, etc. Put a box next to it to check it off or just cross it off the list...type up the list in the computer so you don't have to rewrite it each day or week - but MAKE A LIST.

You and your husband MUST learn to communicate with each other. Communication is key. He needs to understand you have a health issue (I'm not a dr but this is MY OPINION) that needs to be treated in order to allow your brain to process the tasks/chores without getting distracted.

Good luck!!

Leaving a marriage is a hard decision to make. I know, because I've done it.

You do well to ask yourself if these interactions qualify as bad moments, or moments that lead to divorce. As many women did, I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself. Are you and your husband currently in counseling together now? Are there discussions with the counselor about incidents like the one you are describing? Hopefully, this is something being addressed.

None of us are perfect. I work and probably have more 'hang out' time at home than some working moms. And my house is still not perfect, either. I am not a cleaning machine. I let some things go, some days. If my husband had to have a hissy fit over something as trivial as some pull-ups in a trash can, though, I'd wonder what else he was *really* upset about. Or what kind of message he needed to send by slamming doors at 3 a.m. And then I would drag his butt into counseling if need be, because my son wouldn't be growing up to think *that* was the way to treat others.

Get some support for yourself first and foremost. Open a separate bank account for yourself and get a little nest egg going. Either things get to a point where you decide to leave, and you have something to fall back on, or things improve with your family and then you have a little money in savings. Don't feel bad if it takes you a while to figure things out. I've been told that it often takes about a year for a person to decide to leave a marriage (when it isn't some sudden surprise like an affair), and it sounds like you could use some support so you feel confident in your decisions, no matter what you choose.

Sending you hugs. I've been there. It's hard, and stupid, but we learn from it!
H.

There are bigger issues here than the smelly pullup. When both are unhappy,stressed and frazzled then it spills over into every aspect of your homelife.

I have an 8 yr old and a 4yr old in nighttime pullups..they are both responsible to take them each morning to the outside garbage can that sits in the garage. Have your 5 yr old throw it out in the morning when she wakes up. Pull up responsibility solved! You can even set out a plastic shopping bag to put them in and after a couple days it goes into the big trash. ( I think maybe your 5 yr old might like having pullup duty)

I would consider counseling for the two of you. You two have big issues driving a wedge between the loving and affectionate relationship you should have. Sounds like you are working against eachother and picking at eachother's every fault. You mention getting distracted easily. Stop multitasking so much. Take on one task then move to the next. You also have a lot on your mind...and a crappy relationship with your spouse is very daunting.

I am sorry you are in this situation. I would not call it quits in a marriage over this. Your husband is at the end of his rope and frustrated...and is being very snippy. Suggest getting marriage help. Tell him you want to get back to loving and helping one another.

I lived with an ocd roommate in college. I never want to be that clean and organized. I'd rather spend my time making messes with the kids than cleaning like a freak. Me and this lady came to an agreement early on that ocd is her issue, not mine. I am under no obligation to keep the same psycho standards she has. If it means that much to her, she can scrub it! I made my contributions elsewhere. So, it may be time for a renogitation. I understand wanting a clean home, I just don't understand why that's your job soley? Why is trash your problem? In my house - the man is in charge of trash. There are certain times when traditional gender roles work best. This sounds paradoxical coming rom me because I work full time and he is a sahd. But he does trash and washes the car. I do dinner most of the time. Ask your husband why is trash your job? Is that open for negotiation? If what he wants is a nany and housekeeper, he can pay one, or let you stay home. You are wife - equal partner - not merry maids.

He sounds really mean and petty. Either that or he is so extremely anxious that it manifests itself in trying to make everything "perfect." If anyone needs counseling it is him (though marital counseling would be a great idea too).

You work full time and have a young child? Ummmm . . . have you noticed how many moms on here who do the same thing talk about how frazzled they feel most of the time? You sound completely normal to me.

I homeschool, stay home, and still don't have a perfect house (or anything close). My husband rarely, if ever, complains. If anything I wish it was better for his sake.

Please get help for your husband (perhaps under the guise of marital counseling). Good luck.

R., there is something wrong with your husband. Tell him to come to my house, I have pee pee diapers in every trash can in the house and put the poopy ones in the kitchen trash can when I'm too lazy to take them outside. Tell him i'd like to tie him up and dangle a poopy diaper 6 inches from his nose.

I think some counseling is definitely in order. But if you both work full time, why is it YOUR responsibility to make sure the trash is taken out and the house is in order. I stay home with my 3 yr old and believe me, our house is no where near as clean as it should be. Its not messy by any means, but my husband NEVER says anything to me about the way the house looks, let alone gets upset about it. And some times he can come home to quiet the mess.
You don't deserve to be belittled the way he is doing to you. And quiet honestly- the trash is gross. In our house, that is my husbands job! You don't need to be walking on eggshells in your own home, because your husband wants to be a jerk.
Tell him you have thought about what you want to do and what you want to do is be treated fairly and equally in a relationship. If he can't do that- then he needs to take the high road!
Sorry your feeling so stressed. Just do the best you can. And if that isn't good enough for him, it sure will be for some one else!

Here's my 2 cents , you can take it or leave it. If it were me, getting a divorce is what I would want to do - and i'd do it a.s.a.p. before he takes matters into his own hands and catches you off guard. His expectations are unreasonable and you should not have to live like that. At the very least you should plan for a possible divorce. Get a lawyer and a bank account in just your name if you don't already have one. Make a plan for where you and your daughter will go if it comes to that.

OMG - HE"S the one with the problem and HE'S the one who needs to grow up and HE'S placing all the blame on you.....why? Probably b/c it makes him feel bigger.?

I doubt this is the only example of him overreacting to something so simple as not taking the trash out. And when I had kids in diapers and pull ups, all I did was toss them into the trash can lined with the plastic shopping bags and tie a knot. My hubs took it all out. Damn him for throwing out the trash can too. That's like throwing the baby out with the bath water. I'd make him go buy another trash can. I would not 'pick up the pieces' with that kind of immature response. He needs to wake up and pitch in and stop his whining, and stop slamming doors to send his message. That is NOT how adults resolve their issues. That's as mature as a 2 yr.old bawling on the grocery store floor.

R., stop right now feeling bad about something as inane as the garbage and follow Cheryl O's advice.

Wow, I congratulate you for not strangling him while he's sleeping, I probably would've.

If he's REALLY thinking of leaving his wife and his family because he doesn't like the smell of pull-ups, and doesn't feel like taking care of that himself.....

Find an attorney FIRST. NOW. No need to tell him. Just go to a consult.

And absolutely get yourself some counseling (to HELL with HIM), as your OB or a friend, call your insurance co, get a referral.

You deserve WAY WAY WAY better than this. Your DOG deserves way better than this.

Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking there's something wrong with HER when HER husband treats her like this?!

Lots of strength to you sista!

:)

I'm sorry...I definitely understand the busy, stressed, overwhelmed feeling. However, my husband is very supportive and helpful. We are ALL forgetful and imperfect. Your DH just sounds miserable--and that probably doesn't have much to do with you, but he takes it out on you. I think counseling is a good idea. Also, maybe he can be more helpful.

My husband wears a uniform to work (Army) and a few months ago all of his tan undershirts were dirty. I said I would wash them. The next morning he was getting ready for work and asked where his clean shirts were (he didn't see them in the closet and thought they might be in the dryer). I told him I totally forgot to wash them. He said, "Oh well, I guess I'll wear a little extra deodorant today" as he was taking the shirt out of the hamper. He apologized to me for not just doing it himself.

Hang in there!

R., sorry you are going through this but he is acting like a jerk. Don't keep taking it and start giving it back. I would leave him a voicemail at work saying sweetie, you better stop on the way home and pick up a new trash can and a can of Febreeze so the smell doesn't bother you anymore! No one is perfect and it sounds like he needs to seriously lighten up or get on out. He is acting like a two year old so please start treating him accordingly and stop wondering what is wrong with you - there is nothing wrong with you! God bless and hang in there!

R., I saw you are looking for a counselor. I'm glad because it sounds like you desperately need some support. Please give Mark Felber a call. He is an awesome counselor and can help you. Mark's number is ###-###-#### or you can go on his website (www.marriagecpr.com) and leave him an email. Best of luck to you, sweetie!

You are a very kind, patient wife. I would have put the pull up on his pillow....lol! The job of wife and mother is very overwhelming....add a husband like yours and i really feel sorry for you.

I know therapy is an excellent idea (and usually the right idea) to try to save a marriage before a divorce happens, but in your situation, I think this is a lost cause. Your husband sounds like a controlling, verbally abusive monster who is 99.###-###-####% NOT going to change his horrible ways as a result of marriage counseling. People don't change. I can just picture him in therapy, complaining to the therapist that you better remember to take the trash out or else! The therapist will politely tell him that he has it all backwards, that not taking the trash out is hardly a deal breaker and not something to pick a battle over, and of course he will disagree. I truly can't see a person like your husband doing a 180. Sadly, he will only appreciate you after you divorce him, & then it will be too late. And you watch how quickly he gets a second divorce b/c NO ONE will put up with his controlling attitude. You can do so much better - leave him! One gigantic plus for you is that you already work full time, so getting a divorce won't change your life that much. It is much harder for stay at home moms who get divorced, b/c they haven't worked in so long, may or may not have a career to fall back on, and find themselves frantically looking for a job. That is not the case for you and you are so lucky!! Best of luck. Go get a good divorce lawyer.

Your husband sounds like a total a-hole and from this and some of your previous posts, a total prick who treats you like a child. Who the hell is he to appoint himself Lord Overseer of Household Standards to a degree that you feel like you have to improve yourself to gain his approval? What kind of equal partnership is that? I would tell him that if he can't get over himself and talk to you with respect, there's the door and have fun seeing his child every other weekend and sending you a significant chunk of his paycheck for the next 20 years. Really, there is no need for you to cower to him and beat yourself up over this. We are only human and none of is perfect, including him.

We are supposed to seek out the best qualities in our partners and treat them with grace and filter their actions through the most positive light that we can. My husband is a slob and I can sometimes rant and rave and get on him about things, but at the end of the day, if I want to have higher standards for the home than he does then it's my job to do it myself or accept his best efforts. I married a man, not a maid. Please get some counseling so that you can find your self esteem buried deep inside you and stand up to the jerk you live with.

The problem isn't that you're disorganized or forgetful - the problem is that you're unfortunately married to a guy who needs to be in control of you. I'm so sorry for you. You sound like a really nice person and I'm sure you have 100 good traits for every 1 "forgetful" trait. Seriously, I'm a SAHM and my husband works full time and has health issues. He's pretty fried at the end of the work day. However, he doesn't imply or say that ANYTHING is MY job. If he's running out of clean underwear and he sees I'm busy, he'll throw a load in the washer/dryer without a fuss. I generally take care of all the house stuff but he doesn't expect to never have to help. I'm sorry, but your story reminded me of Sleeping with the Enemy a little too much.

Ok, I've read what you had to say regarding your situation.You have made a conscience effort to let us know that your disorganized around the house. We are all imperfect, but how severe is it? You also chose to let us know that your husband stated that he is tired of the house smelling like pee, which says to me that its happened more than once. I know your busy, you work, have to cook, clean, take care of the house, kids, etc.... That's part of being a woman.... If your husband is going to the extent of having you question your marriage, maybe you should step outside of yourself and put yourself in his shoes. I'm all for the ladies being treated with the utmost respect by men, especially your own husband. Sometimes you have to re evaluated some of the things that you may be lacking and try to improve on those things. It goes deeper than dirty diapers in the trash can. Think about it.

I'll take the other side from he's abusive. It really depends on how much of the load you have versus him. You mention you work full-time and I expect he does too. Do you work the same # of hours and does he contribute at all at home? I always say look at total the # of hours in a day that you're "working/contributing" to his # of hours. If you actually are "hanging out" more than him bc he does help around the house and works longer hours or some combo, I think he has a right. But, if you're contributing to the income and care of your family the same or more hours a day than him, he's being a jerk. I'd figure that out and if it's him being a jerk, show him the number of hours comparison and suggest he contribute to keeping the house more organized. If he won't, then counseling for sure. Same time, some people find it easy to be organized (like me - sorry) and it's frustrating to be with someone who somehow can't. So there probably has to be a bit of give and take. But sounds like you're trying. He has to as well.

Hi, i'm late but i understand yo. My husband was like that, because his mother was a neat freak! he was stressing me out so much, i told him one day, that i was never going to live up to his mothers clean standards, we are totally different ppl, its really impossible, to drop it-i mean i made a lot of good points and made him see things clearly. Now he leaves me alone...i thought it would never end. Every now and then he'll say "when are u going to clean this...". I'll say "when i have time, i have to do this and that and this" IDK but sorry you're going thru such a difficult time , especially over silly stuff, b/c thats what it was to me. Best of luck, hope it works out for you.

Does he help you around the house? I am a sahm and still expect my husband to do some things, so if I was working full-time I would expect a lot more help. It is a partnership after all. If both of you work full time perhaps you could hire a cleaning service to come in weekly, bi-monthly, monthly, etc. whatever works for your schedule and budget? Then you and your husband could work out a schedule of chores that each of you would be responsible for on a daily basis. It would also be a great way to model team work for your daughter. Complaining to you about the trash is childish. There was a simple solution to that problem.... if it was bothering him so much-he could have taken it out as easily as you could have!:-)
I am not trying to pit you against your husband, but you shouldn't feel like a failure just because little tasks like these weren't completed. You are a full time working mother. You have as much on your plate as he does. The housecleaning shouldn't be left entirely up to you. No wonder you feel like you don't have any organizational skills! It would take someone with a wicked case of OCD to stay on top of all that. Give yourself a break and have a heart to heart with your husband. Good luck!
A.

Toss him to the curb with the trash, he's an A**. Don't his legs work? It's his child too.

Do you and your husband both work the same amount of time outside the home?

Do you both have chores at home? If so, is HE doing his part? if NOT, then there needs to be balance on chores.

What do you all do on your free time? Maybe you can tidy up together while catching up on the day...

Your daughter is five, she can help for sure! My 3 year-old knows how to fold laundry, clean her room and take out the recyclables. My 7 year old can fully do all the laundry (putting in the proper washer settings, etc), can take out all the trash, wash dishes, feed her pet, and clean her room. My 6 year old cleans her room, cleans the bathroom, helps with laundry and does great yard work. My 2 year old picks up her toys when she's done playing and tries to help us all.

These are a lot of things to consider. I would not consider this a marriage breaker at all! You are just talking about household chores and being fed up they are not done.

Perhaps some outside help could do some good, too. You shouldn't have to be so frustrated over this... maybe a counselor to ease your nerves AND perhaps a housekeeper every now and then. Wouldn't hurt.

There are clearly other issues happening here. No person in a healthy relationship is going to freak out about their partner accidentally putting pull-ups in the wrong trash can. Your relationship has deteriorated to the point where for some reason it's the norm for him to treat you crappy at the first hint of a "screw-up" around the house. I would get my thoughts together, wait until you have a few days of "no screw-ups," so he's not on a tirade, and ask him point blank when he's in a decent mood what's really troubling him. Cite examples of things he gets upset about and tell him calmly that you feel like he's being unfairly harsh about them. And that you love him but want to live in an environment that's more fun.

Regarding your 5 year-old, I'd go cold turkey on the nighttime pull-ups - you'll probably have a few weeks of mornings that you have to change bedding, but leaving her in a pull-up isn't teaching her to get to the bathroom at night. Reduce her liquids a little before bedtime. She'll hate the wet feeling and eventually get to the bathroom. Just stay patient through the transition.

Have yu ever heard of the word "dufus"? Because I think if you look in a dictionary, your husband's picture would be there!

Seriously, what a jerky thing to say/do. Was he making a whaaa-whaaaa sound as he was taking out the trash?

That wouldn't fly in my house. When my husband "notices" something I didn't do--it becomes HIS job.

Sounds like he needs medication! My husband used to have similar issues. He has a chemical imbalance. Still it took, his mom, his brother's, and me to get him to a point where he would get help for his anxiety/insanity. You would not believe the difference!!! My hubby is such a great guy now going on 2 years of meds. He now knows the different feelings when he goes off his meds and when he doesn't.

If you are not able to get him to go there, then your best option for you sanity is to move on... You really don't deserve that and you shouldn't let your child grow up in that atmosphere.

I feel very bad for you. My sister is living with a guy like this. The word "tool" comes to mind.

You probably aren't ever going to change him, so you should get counseling for yourself and find out how to stand up to him and kick him to the curb. He sounds worthless and you shouldn't have to live the rest of your life like this. Get help and get out.

Hugs.
Bobbi

Holy cow, I know you have gotten so much feedback, but from what you put here, he sounds like he has some control issues or he is ticked at you about some stuff that he isn't sharing. I mean, it is so not about him helping or not, but this attitude like all your mistakes are to be put out front and exposed. I mean we all do crazy stuff. So seriously, I would ask if he was mad at me about something bc what he is doing is not really normal. It's like he is looking for something to harp on you about, that points to some pent up hostility, deserved or not. Either way it sounds like whatever it is, it is his issue. Do your best, but try not to take it personally and let him know that you are trying and then just try not to react. Like if he says the stuff about cleaning the 5 months of filth, maybe try and say "oh thanks, hon". Nothing gets to a control freak like the inability to control someone. I know my mom did that with my dad, way different issues, but he would totally try to get her crazy saying he wasn't coming home etc, finally she just "ok, see you whenever you do get here" it did bring things to a head, but he lost control of her from that day on. It could actually help, like he might just say "oh, ok, you're welcome" and just sort of scratch his head, or it could make things worse if he does have the control bug. But either way, you will feel better, things will be better ulitmately and he won't be pushing your buttons all the time. I do think counseling is in order, for both of you, but if you can't get him to go bc he thinks you have the problem, it would still probably help you! Hang in there, I don't know exactly what I would do in your shoes, but I think I would try the non-react approach to see how that could mix things up a bit....good luck!!

You both sound overwhelmed and need to see a counselor. I would have been divorced years ago if my husband was like this....I am always forgetting things and such, and I do not work full time.......I would feel beaten down too. If husbands knew how much we beat ourselves up they would not have to do it. This is one area I am grateful for a husband that is so not like that. I would see a counselor with or without him. I would also suggest praying, although I have NO idea what your beliefs are, but I can tell you when I let God out of the box I like to keep him in, He does amazing things in my life and especially in my husband. Praying is the most effective weapon I have found in my marriage, hands down. I will pray for you as well.

I have a chemical imbalance and the way you describe your husband acting is exactly the way I treat my husband sometimes. I feel so bad for you and often, I feel like the worst person in the world for putting my husband through the things I put him through. He is a wonderful man, not perfect, he makes mistakes, but he loves me and his children and he deserves better. So do you. I'm certainly not telling you to leave your husband, but it is his responsibility to recognize his problem and get help for it- whether it be medication or what.

Good luck, and sorry you have to go through this!

.

I understand what you are saying completely. My husband will get on to me all the time about how things are not put where they need to be. But guess what, he has a huge shed and a part of the garage that he is supposed to keep up and it is a huge mess. The inside of the house on a bad day looks spotless compared to his mess. We have two kids, a 7 year old and an 18 mth old. I work 40 hours at home on the computer and watch the kids but he's like, "well, did you get any laundry done today?" What!!?? As if I'm not doing enough. I can't tell you how many times I go around picking up after him. He is not perfect and neither am I. None of us are. It's what we are all willing to put up with. We can only do so much. We're going to make mistakes, we are only human. If your husband can't see that then he is always going to be disappointed. Why not ask him, why he didn't take the trash out himself? Isn't what goes on in your house both of ya'lls responsibilities? I don't know what to tell you other than you aren't alone. I'll tell you this, when my husband decides to clean, it's he** around here for the next week. The way I see it and I've explained it to him, since we both work full time jobs, taking care of the house is on us both. If I was a SAHM I would do most of it but that's not the case. But does he get that? He spouts off, he's the only one that does anything around here. I've threatened if that's the way he feels then I'll stop doing what I do and then you can say that statement again and have it be a fact. Men just don't get it sometimes.....Hang in there mom. I agree with some of the others, it doesn't sound like you are the one with the problem. He needs to get some counseling. If he calls off the marriage because of this, he's got some real issues that are beyond you or anyone else. I would suggest counseling for the both of you in order to get him into the door. Once the counselor sees what is going on, he/she may encourage one on one counseling for your husband. Good luck!

R., is there any other way you can simplify your life? Meals, do you cook? I work a full time job and have a family as well. I bought a deep freeze so I only do heavy shopping once a month. I only cook on Sunday but I cook three or four different types of meals at the same time and store them in the freezer for heating up during the week. I limited the kids to one outfit per day and one towel per week that is used after showering and drying their clean body in order to cut down on the laundry I was consistently doing. I open the dishwasher when we eat and everyone has to rinse their items and put them in each time. My 8 year old washes his own clothes, cleans his own room and bathroom. So many people disapprove of this but I don't have special powers that allows me to do everything. My husband has some chores as well.

I take it that your husband is feeling disrespected possibly. Try to hone in on the particular things that gets under his skin. My husband can't stand clothes on the floor... wow, that took some getting use to for me. I typically took my clothes off and on the floor they went. I have since trained myself to hang them or drop them in the hamper instead.

Get creative and find ways to simply your life. It won't be a miracle cure but it has drastically changed my life! Feel free to contact me anytime!

Clearly he used that one thing as an excuse to blame you for him wanting to leave or control you or something. He is an infant. If he does not like something, or sees trash, why not take it out or clean up the offending stuff himself? Do you not both work? Are you not both parents? He is just as responsible for those things as you are!!! Counseling is a good first step. He was right about you need to think about what you want to do - you deserve better than this and you should really think about not allowing yourself to be treated like this any longer. He sounds impossible to please and unhealthy to live with.

WOW! Since when did you take the superwoman pledge? And how old is your husband? 6? Talk about a temper tantrum. If he doesn't like it give him the job. The family needs to be involved. If he is not making enough money to have you stay home then, HEY, get over a few things here or there. If my husband was acting like that with me, I would probably no longer be married. Because I can't count how many "organization" mistakes I make on a daily, ok maybe hourly basis.
Not good. He needs to grow up and step up!!!

Sounds like your husband needs to lighten up. Also sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Working, and being a mom and wife. Its a lot of work and sometimes you dont get everything done. You do your best and that should be enough. If he has a problem with the trash, or something else then he should try to help you out too so that problems like these dont arise. Its a partnership and each has to do their part to help out. He shouldnt make you feel beaten down emotionally because you forgot to do something, while doing another. Maybe he is stressed out about something and is taking it out on you. Have you tried explaining to him the way you are feeling, and the way he makes you feel? Just have to be up front and honest, maybe even blunt and tell him hes treating you unkind and you are trying your best.
Good luck and best wishes

You are not perfect and mess up but so does he. It's okay for him to let you know what bothers him but he also needs to be patient seeing that you also work and aren't the only one who lives there. My husband used to be the same way. He used to get overly upset about the house and still does on occasion. He can't control you and you can't control him either. Try to do your best and communicate with him about your feelings but at the same time, try not to get down on yourself if he gets upset with you about the house. He's a grump and it's not your fault. I think counseling is a good idea. Good luck!!

He could take the trash out. on his way to a counselor to think about what he wants to do. Unless of course in the prenup it said you and only you will make sure the house is 100% perfection at all times. It should not be a marriage breaker. It should be a wake up call to him that he needs to pull his weight too. IMO good luck!

My husband gets aggrivated with me for things occasionally but he knows if he has a problem with it, he can get to it and do the job better. I would just say "hey, I work too. if i didn't get to something and you see it, get on it!". Marriage is a TEAM EFFORT. If you were watching Oprah and eating bon bons, it'd be a different thing. He's a jerk, or at least acting like one, and he should get over himself.
In our house, slamming doors by ANYONE is absolutely not allowed. (Admittedly, I was the "naughty one" with this issue when we first got married, because that's the tripe I grew up with). ESPECIALLY at 3am. I'd have him dig the trash can out of the trash and clean it, or he can go pick up a new one on his off time. No lie.
Now....more constructive: you could talk to a counselor if you want. I kinda feel like if a person wants to talk to one, it's well time to do so even if it's only 4 or 5 sessions, to kinda clear some things out of your head or line things up in order. You may be overworked, overstressed, and worried about trying to get things done right while pleasing a man who throws temper tantrums. On the other hand, something like this may be a sign of something that could be fixed with some medicine that could help you focus. I know someone that was always biting off more than she could chew, and never got 1 thing done "right" but started lots of things, she said she was always a chicken running around with her head cut off. She started taking a medicine that helped her focus and slow down a little, but I don't know what it is.
Don't let that man beat you up (emotionally or whatever). Perhaps he needs medicine like a previous post said?
Finally: if you want ideas on how to organize specific things, this is a great site to post those questions.

You sound like my husband. And i am your husband. I get upset about things like that too. I feel he is the messy one and i am the neat one. I dont understand how he can walk passed the trash and not take it out. I think people are who they are and rarely change. You are right no one is perfect and its up to the individual to know what they will and wont put up with. good luck