I recently moved to Mississippi (my husban's home state), in doing this I thought it would be benificial to the both of us. He had his family and I had my college friends. We have been married for 2 1/2 years (3 in august if we make it). To make a long story short while dating he had history of cheating I moved back to Texas and 1 1/2 he proved himself to be trustworthy until this past year. Needless to say he begn to be verbally abusive, by telling me: You're sorry, you don't do anything, what do you do, you're not a good mother, you're not a good wife, i thought a wife was supposed to be like my mother, etc. Well this past year I began to believe those things and pretty much had let myself and my image go. I started counseling but have post poned it because he told me he was going to continue to next session. He continued to say he didn't have any problems and he could counsel himself. We were staying with his mother and were going to buy our own house...well he never showed any progress towards saving or even wanting to move out. We began arguing constantly and I eventually sent my son to Texas to live with my mother because he started acting out aggressively at school. My husband told to to get out at least 5 times while at his mother's and the 5th time I actually left. He now blames me for everything in our marriage and does not take any responsibility for any wrong doing. I'm not even sexually attracted to him, I practice telling him no (at first) on the account of this is something he loved and wanted daily if he could get it. Now I don't even give him a chance. Do you think counseling would help or my marriage is unrepairable? I honestly feel like if it weren't for my children (by the way I am 6 months pregnant with my 3rd child) I would have been gone a long time ago.
Well Marci said she doesn't know me or what I have done. What i can say without being so long and drawn out is...I had every ounce of trust in this man, you could tell me he was out at a hotel and you saw him with your two eyes and I would not believe you because that's the image I had of him and the image he created for himself. I guess I had too much trust in him, things started slowly happening that made me aware that he begun doing things he normally didn't do. For instance, he began asking me where I was going, what time was I coming back, who all was with me and if I was a minute late he would call non stop until I was walking thru the door. Since my previous statement I went to counseling on my own and I am going to complete my counseling. Of course there were things I could have done...more of. But I figure what for, when he constantly complains about everything I do. It got so bad where I literally gave up on trying to be a good wife and satisfying him. Yes I stopped cooking, cleaning, etc. No, I never stopped taking care of my children and meeting their needs, when they needed something I did it, when they needed to go to the doctor I took off my teaching job and got docked $100 a day, but did he care...NO! Then I came to realization and said I will take away the ultimate thing he likes...sex. If he makes it a point to make me feel unwanted and like the gum on the bottom of a shoe then I will take the one thing I know he looks forward to. And I have moved out I have been out for 3 months now, within those three months I have given him a chance to try to prove himself and well let's say....I believe I am going to move back to texas after my semester is up with graduate school and start all over...but it's the loneliness that's hard.
I'll make this short and sweet since I know youll get many of the same responses- please leave this man.
third child?
it doesn't matter if you're pregnant with the tenth child. you need to pack and leave. he wanted to marry his mother. let him live with his mother. he doesn't need a wife. he needs his mommy.
If you have to send your child away from the toxic environment in your house, that is not healthy and probably not fixable.
If your husband won't leave mommy's house and told you he wishes you were like her, not healthy and probably not fixable.
Refusing counseling in an obviously disfunctional marriage- not healthy and probably not fixable.
Telling you get out of the house... well, you probably see where I am going with this. I see no redeemable qualities to this guy or your marriage. He is a cheater, verbally abusive, etc, etc. Get your kids and yourself out of that place, for all your sakes. No one can live like this and turn out happy and whole. Good luck, and hugs sent your way.
If you can't leave him for your own sake, leave him for your kids sake.
My advice to you is to leave. If not for yourself then your kids. I understand he is your husband but you already had to send your son to live with your mother because of him. When kids grow up around that type of situation they tend to think its okay to treat others the same.
It is so hard when someone you once loved (and who once loved you) has become abusive and hurtful. It is even harder when you have children and everything in your upbringing tells you it is important to stay together to give them a home. And it is unimaginably hard when you are pregnant--including all the hormonal things that make us really WANT that perfect home, good relationship, readiness and safety (emotionally and physically) for the new baby. But you must seriously think about how good a mother or person you are able to be when there is someone constantly berating you and treating you as inadequate.
Is there any truth to what he says about you? I doubt it, but if there is, then honestly look at that and do what you can--but not for him. For you. Otherwise, the reality is you will continue to draw situations in your life to you that make these things come to the surface.
But since the environment has become so toxic for you that you couldn't even keep your son with you, and since you are now forced to live in his mother's home (the one he REALLY seems to want), this cannot be healthy for you or for your baby.
If you have friends or your parents in Texas, then you should at least consider a long visit--with an open idea that you might just stay. While you are there, giving you some space from him, really think about how you feel when you are away from him and how you feel with him. Then, if you feel better away, as I suspect you will, you need to work with your family to help you figure out a way to separate.
Mississippi, by the way, is the LAST place I would want to be as a woman going through something like this--it is not exactly the most forward thinking society there.
Theresa and Kitty have given you good advice. I left a similar first husband after 13 years of a steadily deteriorating situation. He would claim it was all me who was the problem, told me I was a failure as a wife, etc. He would alternate with telling me he loved and needed me every time I headed for the door. Or he threatened to kidnap our daughter, ruin my financial future, or even take my life. And my daughter was slowly being undone by the uncertainties of living with a father who was unpredictable, unkind, and selfish.
But when I finally convinced myself there was no point in hoping for the marriage to improve, I got individual counselling with the intention of getting myself strong enough to leave. It was a good thing to do. Two years later I met my wonderful husband, who has been my companion and workmate (we publish books together) for nearly 30 years. My daughter is happily married, too, having seen what a good marriage looks like.
Interestingly, when I finally left that first marriage for good, my husband began telling me how wonderful I was, begging me to come back, apologizing for his mistakes and selfishness, promising the counseling that he had refused for more than 10 years. But it was too late, and I knew better than to trust him.
Leave. It's tough to manage on your own with children, but not as tough as staying in a destructive marriage. Blessings to you and your children.
First, stop making babies with this man and second, please take the kids and leave. Rats learn mazes faster than this. He sounds like a child himself. Sorry--my opinion.
You set us all up to tell you to leave him. I disagree. Your husband may be a total jerk, I don't know him, but he has his own side to the story. It sounds like he is putting you down because he is a cheater. But we don't know you.
At least try a counselor for yourself and your kid's sake. Your husband, sure, is being a jerk right now, but marriages can turn around with the right kind of help and insights. There have got to be things that he is thinking that you don't know.
I really feel hurt for you and your kids. I don't want you to be in pain all the time. If you want to email me privately, I will talk. But please don't give up because it is possible to turn around crappy, crappy marriages sometimes. Mine used to be on the verge of divorce all the time and now we are finally stable and working towards happiness. I never thought it could happen. My husband was soooo mean and irresponsible and I was miserable, but I had no idea all the things I was doing that were pushing his buttons. Now we both actually like each other!!! Which is a miracle in and of itself!
Hugs!
I agree with the previous poster. This man sounds harmful to you and your family.
If he is sorry and want the marriage you will know but if you have to make any kind of suggestion to see what he is thinking or want RUN for the border dont settle thats the worst thing you could do just to have this self centered selfish man each day will get better and you will get stronger and that loneliness will turn into sunshine and joy and fun. You just be a good person hold your head up and let god do what he needs to for you.
in my opinion you need to leave his sorry but just by what you say you nor you children should be near him if he told you to get out i would do just that and take the children and leave him.let him figure out by himself why you nor your kids are there.no women deserves to be abused ever in anyway it not right and you sound like a great women and you shouldnt put up with it.i would go to your moms house.dont stay it will just get worse...but pregnant or no pregnant you need to get out of that situation even more so that you son acted that way at school...hope this help..and GOOD LUCK!!!!
I hate to say this, but if he refuses to go to counseling, you need to leave him. He is being verbally and physically abusive. Find a good lawyer near you and tell them everthing that has happened so far. It will not be easy, but it is the best thing for yourself and your children. You really need to leave him.
