Military Move-- Should We Go or Not?

The way you explained how it would work I would not move to VA, esp. since you will move again. If you can afford it, go see him more often than just 4-6 weeks, meaning split that in two trips, then you'd see each other every 3 weeks.

If you don't go, you said he can come home every 4-6 weeks for a weekend. Can you pack up the kids and go see him? If so, you would see him more like every 2-3 weeks. If so I would stay put.

Thats really a personal family decision but for what it's worth, I say don't move. My answer would be different if this was a permanent move but if you already know that its only for a year, I think you should stay put in Denver for now. Studies have shown that kids who move a lot have higher rates of depression when they're older and as someone who was forced to move every year for most of my childhood, I can attest to the fact that it absolutely sucks to be always be the new kid in school and have no sense of home. Anyway, best of luck no matter what you decide.

E.,
You are married to your husband, not the inlaws, parents, grands, aunts, uncles, etc. You need to go with him. Make it a habit to always go with your husband as long as there is any way possible that you can go (you can't go to Iraq for example). You two are actually one. The children need their father on a more regular basis as long as it is in your power to make that happen. Go. They are only 2 & 4. The activities, school, etc. are nothing. Daddy is everything. Go. My husband just retired from an AF career. We decided very early on that we would always go with him no matter what. I would never trade that for everything. These difficult things you go through together bond you closer together. They are what you will talk about in 20 years. They are what you will remember working through together, knowing you had to depend on each other, not other people. I honestly think it would be a huge mistake for your marriage to stay in Denver while he goes to VA. If you do it now, you will find excuses to do it later. I can't count how many people I know who had this practice and ended up not going with the hubby for full assignments because of various reasons(kids in high school, they liked their job, etc.). They pretty much all got divorced. They were not a team, but two individuals with their own set of priorities. Marriages don't work out that way. Did I mention that I think you should go? ;)
UPDATE: For fun, I thought I'd list all the places we have moved to in order:
Colorado, Arizona, NM, Florida, Okinawa, Arizona, Nevada, Ohio, California, England, NM, Colorado. In 20 years. Was it always easy? No. But, it was a grand adventure. One thing I always reminded myself was that each place was only temporary. I knew we would be moving, so we took the very best of the place and enjoyed it to the fullest. We could have easily complained and found all the reasons we hated it. But, my hope was that we would be leaving eventually, so enjoy it while we can. Everyplace has some good things about it. And, we found them together. My children love their experiences.

Here's a military-brat perspective (dad was in the navy nearly 40 years.)

- We ALWAYS moved with Dad when orders came EXCEPT when he was doing short schools (6mo or less). When he was doing short schools he'd go live in the BOQ and we'd stay put and visit for a long weekend 2 or 3 times (gotta love SpaceA). We'd stay in the Navy Lodge when we visited *except* when we got bumped due to those with orders out/in (who get priority). Then we'd stay in a nearby hotel.

- No matter where we were in the world, we flew to Seattle for 6-8 weeks every summer and lived with my grandparents (talk about stability... we *always* spent the summers in Seattle. It just "was".)

We never really "missed" my dad. I mean, he was only home at most 6mo a year (shipped out at least half the year), and he was deployed a lot but our Mum LOVED him. Every single day he was in our lives. She'd talk about him (always upbeat/happy "Oh your dad would be so PROUD of how well you ride your bike!"..."Oh your daddy will LOVE this picture, don't forget the mustache honey, let's put it on the fridge so he can see it when he comes home!!!"). And because she always talked about him, we all felt quite "close" to him. And this was in the days where there was no internet/skype... phones were expensive ($10 a minute from Japan to the states, god only knows how much from the ports the subs would stop in). When he called WE didn't talk to him, unless we answered. He'd shout over the background noise for our mother and we'd scream and run the phone to her babbling the whole way.

I mean, sure we'd SAY we missed him (mostly, because it seemed the appropriate thing to do), and there were occasional tears... but my mum always made him so WONDERFUL, made everything sound like an adventure, kept him in our daily lives... that I know *I* never REALLY missed him, and talking with my sibs only one of my sisters did, and even then she says she mostly cried because she thought a "good" daughter shouldn't be happy when her family isn't together (but she cried when we got a new mail man, or when the exterminator had to go home. She'll cry for the death of a stranger's pet she's never met... she was a crier, and bless her heart, still is. It's her knee-jerk emotional reaction to ANYTHING ; happy, sad, exciting, fearful. It's just what she does when she doesn't know what to do in any given situation. And then she's fine... unless someone feeds into it... and then she'll cry for hours/ days. She jokes about it, but honest to god, my new aunt didn't get "it", and one summer when she was 9 or 10 and my sister spent over a week crying because our new aunt kept "validating her feelings" until my grandmother took her aside and told her NOT to say another word to my sister for 24 hours on pain of death... and sure enough... without someone to keep making her feel bad by bringing up how sad she must feel, she perked right up and was playing and "normal". My aunt said this was because someone had finally validated her feelings, so my Gma said "Sure, go do it again and make the little girl miserable." They had a little row over it (I was eating stolen vanilla wafers in the laundry shoot evesdropping). My aunt did, my sister bawled for 3 hours straight, and my aunt never again mentioned the words "sad" "must miss" "it's okay to cry" etc., to my sister ever again.

<grinning> My favorite sister aside, the point is that we LOVED our parents, and we had super happy lives. Together, apart, it was all an adventure. And it was plain old NORMAL.

So my advice to you is to do what would make YOU the happiest. Because happy mom REALLY equals happy kids in my experience.

Hi E.-

Speaking as a former 'army brat'...(my parents moved 28 times in 32 years) ...(and also as a 'former' military 'spouse')...at this age...your kids are not going to feel the 'brunt' of a move...there IS soccer in the dc area...and some wonderful PRE schools...I suggest that perhaps YOU are reluctant to leave this area...(not meaning to sound harsh...)

Moves...for me as a child were grand adventures!! They were only a bit more difficult when I hit middle/high school...

I would do what I could to make 'the move' with a spouse as the kids are young...and will adjust...

Do what you can for YOU to adjust...kids at this age will follow your lead...IMO...

Best luck!
michele/cat

You know better than anyone here what's best for you and your family. Trust your gut and please do not believe anyone who says you are being whiney for responsibly weighing all the options.
Best of luck, and send my thanks to your husband (and to you and your kids) for his service.

GO!!!! One of the best things about military life is being able to venture out and see new things and experience new places!!!

You will be surprised at what is in store for you! So you know he's going to be gone a lot!? OKAY!!! Explore Washington, D.C. with the kids. DO NOT mope around and be negative - ENJOY your military life!!!

I've lived in Taiwan, Hawaii, San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Belgium and Germany! Wouldn't trade it for the world!!! LIVE YOUR LIFE!!! Stop holding yourself back and looking at the here and now!!! And whiney (sorry, but you married military - you had to know moves were gonna happen).

There are GREAT support groups, MWR and much more - stop and think about HIS CAREER - he NEEDS your support - you claim "family" but really - HE is your family. Yes, you have young kids - but you can do this!! SERIOUSLY!!!

Go
Moving shows your support for him and what he does.
If you've only moved a few times in 8 yrs you are very lucky.
We've lived in NC, VA, AL, WA, MD, and GA in the past 10 yrs
and we were only in WA for 6 months.
Go , it will be better for everyone to stay together.

If he is going to PCS now for school for 6 months and then have to PCS again after that, then I'd wait till he was a more permanent duty station. But what are the chances he will be able to fly between VA and CO as often as you hope too?? Rising gas prices will very soon affect plane tickets and his BAH will be based out of VA plus he may have to pay for Geo Bachelor housing too. Also, will TMO pay to move you and the kids at a later date and how much of that expense will be out of your pocket because the move won't be rated from CO it will be rated from VA?? Yes, VA is a nice area, I have many friends that have been stationed there for one reason or another and when you are military, you make new 'family' where ever you are. IMO, it's easier for the kids to move when they are younger too. Our last move was only 3 hrs with a 4yr old and a 10yr old and my oldest is having the hardest time with it. Call the school leasion for the base you'll be near and get some info on schools for the kids. See if you can get a sponsor for the new place too and they can give you insight on housing and what not or the FRO/Ombudsman, Relocation assistance, Military One Source is a free service too and can provide you with tons of info too.

Myself, I'd go with my hubby because this is what I married into. He was already 5yrs in when we got together.

Good luck!
S.

It is easier to move children younger than when they get to junior or senior high school. At this age they don't remember where they lived just that they moved and had the big moving van come and take them away. Extended family is great but your immediate family is your husband and children. The bible says something about leaving home and cleaving to each other.

As you said you think VA would be a great place. There is only one way to find that out - go. You will expand your friends and friendships which last a life time or two. The support groups help tremendously and you will become a pro at being a military wife and moving. Do you know of many people who are told that they have to move in 7 days and will be ready for a complete house to be packed and shipped in that time? Yes the packing and unpacking are part of being in the military as spouse or active duty member. Look at it this way the military is the first wife and you are the second wife.

Go and learn more about yourself and what you can do by yourself. As one poster stated that later you will have millions of excuses as to why you won't go and before you know it there is no you as in couple. I've seen that happen several times and it is not a pretty picture on either side.

Good luck to you. This is a different life style that you live and that is why they call people not in the military civilians. You are the main support for your husband. The retired military wife.

The other S.

PS My tours of duty include AZ, Quebec, Canada; NV; Germany; NM and any other place as needed to live and be a family with my children. Yes I know about the new kid in town sydrome and that's why I made sure we moved in the summer.

I would stay where you are. You and your children have family and friends there. I moved lots and hated it. I always had to make new friends and then when I did we moved again. Tell your husband thank you for serving for us.

MMy husband is AD Air Force and was in Las Vegas (we live in Tucson) for 6 months for training last year Jul-Dec. We decided to have myself and our now 2 year old tag along and I would say it was definitely not worth it. We saw him every other Saturday for about 5 hours and he was so focused on his training he couldn't get into "family" mode to save his life. If I had it to do over again I would have stayed put. The only good that came out of it is that I came back to Tucson preggers with #2 ;) Good luck!

First of all...don't let anyone's opinion of your question bother you because, unless they've been in your shoes, they have no clue. Second, I totally hear where you're coming from. We went with Dh to KS for school that was supposed to last a year, he got into SAMs, stayed a second year, moved (got orders 2 weeks before school ended), he was supposed to deploy in July, 2 days before he left, they changed his orders, he didn't leave until Nov. He's now 4 months into deployment. I am home with a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. I am lucky to only be about 4 hours from family by car now. Yes, moving and military life is an adventure, but after being on a rollercoaster too long, even a really fun one...you start getting a bit sick and need a break! LOL
If your Dh will be working long hours and then will be away after 6 months for another 6 months before moving again...frankly, if it was me, I'd stay put with the kids. Once a month visits would seem like heaven right now to me. You can treat those weekends like gold and use them for great quality family time rather than simply laundry, errands, etc. The time in between, you'd have the support and family that would make things easier for all of you. Now, if your husband would be around for that whole year...I'd probably go ahead with him. But barely 6 months of hardly seeing him seems more painful than staying where you are. Just my thoughts from my current position.
Good luck!

Updated

First of all...don't let anyone's opinion of your question bother you because, unless they've been in your shoes, they have no clue. Second, I totally hear where you're coming from. We went with Dh to KS for school that was supposed to last a year, he got into SAMs, stayed a second year, moved (got orders 2 weeks before school ended), he was supposed to deploy in July, 2 days before he left, they changed his orders, he didn't leave until Nov. He's now 4 months into deployment. I am home with a 3 1/2 year old and a 1 year old. I am lucky to only be about 4 hours from family by car now. Yes, moving and military life is an adventure, but after being on a rollercoaster too long, even a really fun one...you start getting a bit sick and need a break! LOL
If your Dh will be working long hours and then will be away after 6 months for another 6 months before moving again...frankly, if it was me, I'd stay put with the kids. Once a month visits would seem like heaven right now to me. You can treat those weekends like gold and use them for great quality family time rather than simply laundry, errands, etc. The time in between, you'd have the support and family that would make things easier for all of you. Now, if your husband would be around for that whole year...I'd probably go ahead with him. But barely 6 months of hardly seeing him seems more painful than staying where you are. Just my thoughts from my current position.
Good luck!

I'd say don't go. We have talked about this kind of thing before & my hubby doesn't want to take me away from my family & support just to have me be alone with our daughter so much. (My hubby is in Army National Guard)

Seeing him one weekend a month doesn't sound so bad to me right now. Hubby is deployed so we've seen him once & he just went back - for another 6 months.

If you stay in your current place with your family, friends, and routine, then it won't be so hard for your kids when Daddy isn't there. My daughter just turned 5 and while she misses her daddy very much, she still has the comfort of her familiar school, teachers, friends, and family who spoils her!

Good luck! And thank you & him for his service :)

My hubby is a retired Marine.
I stayed behind once, while he did TBS and his officer's log schol in VA. I was pregnant with number three and both sets of grandparents were within 2 hours. It was just like you are saying, a practicality issue.
He was here in Quantico for 6 months, then in Little Creek for another 6 then to Lejeune. I met him in Lejeune (NC).
He was able to come see us every so often and we went out to see him a couple times
I did have to sell the house by myself, deal with TMO and move, but that's all part of the package.
Because I was so close to family it was an easy decision for both of us. After that I did move every time with him.

We aren't military, so I can't speak from experience, but I have lived both close and far from family, and we have friends and family who do it. I have a friend now who is from the DC area and is stationed out here for 3 years. Her husband is gone for 2-3 months at a time. She really struggles with being alone and being so far from family. It's not that she hasn't made friends, etc., just that really close support system isn't the same. I'd tend to say, since he'll be gone for 6 months or so, this might be a nice time to stay near family, and let your little one get old enough to remember the family. Enjoy this time with the little ones, and let them have another year of being settled before they have to go on the moving roller coaster. Either way, it sounds like they'll do well, though.

I can see both sides. Hard decision.

~Seeing him would be the biggest deciding factor for me.

I believe you logic for staying is reasonable and you guys could probably swing it...and you guys could go see him too? So it could be more time with him, right?

But my adventure side of it all says "Go"! After all you guys have decided and signed on to go career so why not embrace it? I say, How exciting! Starting over...with all the new people to meet and places to go and world to see!

~I think the kids will be fine no matter what, as long as you and dad are fine! So, the real question comes back to will you and the hubby be fine with this much separation?

Hard decision.

*For me the decision would be easy. I would go with my hubby.

**You have a 4 yr old in Elementary School? How did you swing that? Lucky! Our school system here is FIRM on the "5 before Sept.1st" rule!

Since you know it will only be a year and half that time he would be away it doesn't seem like it is worth uprooting the whole family. I think because you have family and close friends near you now that it makes sense for you to stay since you and the kids would have that support and continuity.

Keep in mind I hate moving and have no experience with the military. I know I wouldn't be happy with the frequent moving lifestyle. I went to the same school system 1st grade through high school graduation. I went to college and grad school away from family and there were some lonely times even though I made great friends. I moved back to be near family and so my kids would have the chance to spend time with their grandparents, great-grandma and extended family. Obviously you need to do what works best for you and your husband and kids.

I believe family should be together. Wives and husbands belong together.
It is not like it is for two or three months, it's a year. Your children are still
very young and very flexible. When they hit those pre teen years, it will
be different. Virginia is such a great place to live. I would definitely go.
Actually, I would never consider not going.

I don't think you're being whiney... I think do what is best for you. Your kids are young and must be used to their dad being gone and have no real concept of time anyway. It sounds like guilt making you consider the move more than wanting to at all. Given you'll have primary responsibility for the kids, I'd want the support of everyone you mentioned if I were you. This is mostly about you in my opinion given how young your kids still are. It's hardest on you so do what's easiest. At 2 and 4, your kids will get no value from living some place else as they won't remember. Plenty of years to have adventures. And as people mentioned, maybe you could at least visit him a couple of times.

If your husband is game either way and you aren't going to see him much to begin with, I wouldn't uproot your family until you had to. I would budget some family funds to surprise him with a visit or fun time.

We are 13 years military and have moved a lot. We've always moved as a family, but we've never been in your situation. You have a great support system in CO and staying there would be less transition for your kids. I would say stay in CO. The thought of moving your kids now and again in a year is a lot. If you didn't have family/friends in CO, I'd say go to VA, but family/friends are important. Just make a great effort to Skype and have him come home as much as possible. It will, in a way, be like a deployment. You need to decide what's best for your kids and go with that. We are stationed at Ft. Leavenworth and many people come here for ILE for a year. Most families complain about doing 2 moves in a year (school is 10 months).

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You have a formidable support system in Denver-this is a tough one-just know that there are people who pray for you and your family everyday and are very grateful for what you do and for your husband's service to our country! God bless you!

My BIL is in the Air Force, and after seeing what she went through with moving, unsponsored, to Korea for just one year, when she hardly ever got to see her husband anyway, I think I would stay put! I also know what amazing support it is to have family close. I don't have any close, and it's so hard! I always said I would never be afraid of moving, because I really enjoyed moving when I was a kid. But it's different when you're the mom. We've moved 7 times in 8 years of marriage, and I am TIRED of it! It wears you down. So don't do it if you don't have to.

They're in Germany now, and their assignment is 5 years long. So they're quite settled in there, but they still don't see Dad much. The best times they have are when he has a long break and they go on a trip or spend a lot of time together at home. Sounds like it would be about the same with your husband, when he gets to go home every few weeks.

I wouldn't move at this point. You will have multiple moves in the future and since this is not long term I would not. If you are away you do not have the support of your family and I would cherish that for as long as I could. I had moved away from my family for some time and it was challenging.

You obviously have over come a lot to get here, so best of luck. And thank you for your husbands contribution to our country.

Study it out in your mind, make a tentative decision, pray about it, and then see how you feel.

Good luck!

It depends on where in Virginia. If you're heading to northern Virginia, by all means, please go. But if it's the Hampton Roads area (I am assuming you're either Army or Air Force, based on Denver location), I'd say to stay away.

I am a military parent -- and the opportunities in northern Virginia for military spouses are great, but in southern Virginia, not so much. There is a huge Navy base in southern Virginia, and as a result, there are a lot of competition for jobs, as well as day care and such. Overall, I am not impressed with family support facilities in southern Virginia.

If you need further advice, please message me. I've been stationed in both northern and southern Virginia and can probably give some previews on the difference between the two, based on your needs.

For only a year I would question it too. What does hubby want?

My hubby is working 100 hours a week and any stress at home makes him blow up. Kids do not a stress free home make. You say it is intense for him so let him go alone. I think you already know what you want even if you don't know. Flip a coin and before looking at it think, which one did I want it to be?

E.,
I have moved 18 times in 11 years, and my thoughts have always been to be where my husband is. Yes sometimes it would have been more convenient to not go with him, especially when it was just going to be for 6 months. But I didn't want him to be lonely or me to not be near him, or my kids to not experience Dad for what ever time they could have with him. So I chose to move every time.
However, I can totally see why you would choose to stay. I would say go with your gut and you will find a way to make it the best it can be.
Good luck
E.

I am not nor have ever been in your situation. However my sister and sister-in-law are. So I can only go with that. But they have done every move too. But it sounds like you need to balance being a "good military wife" and ensuring your kids are happy. Me personally I would make the move. Difficult as it is, when you married it is what you signed up for. Maybe during the kids off time and his lengthy time away you can make an extended visit to see family. But I would go with make the move.

I didn't read other responses first, so I apologize for any repetition. My advice is to think it through and do what's best for YOU! He's going to be gone. I'm speaking from experience. My dad was military, I was military, and my husband was military. You've been through the deployments and you know how hard it can be.

Personally, with my husband moving every 2 yrs due to the nature of his job, my mindset would be to STAY PUT!!! I loved moving to new places but hated the actual act of moving (strangers handling my stuff, trying to reign in the kids and keep them out of the way, ect.)

I think I would keep your routine with family near and sacrifice the year of once a month with the hubby. In military setting, family close is so sacred and helpful. When he gets his follow on orders to the new base, then join up with him.

I wouldn't move twice in a year and uproot the kids away from home/school/family unless ABSOLUTELY necessary!

Just my .02!

Oh, and I'm sure you know because you've looked, but any town near a military base in VA is expensive!! For a year, you'd have to rent!

I was an Army Brat myself, my family was very fortunate to get accompanied tours so taht we always moved together, though my Dad would be on TDY for a few weeks or months from time to time. It can be hard to move, but my parents made it easier by encouraging us to look at it as going on a new adventure. I can't tell you whether you should move to VA or not, but I do think that beiong able to spend weekends with your husband and the children's Daddy is far better than not being able to see him at all for weeks at a time. I have lived in northern VA myself for a couple of years and I really loved it, it is a beautiful area and there are tone of fun and free things to do in DC, although if you are planning a day trip into the city bring plenty of snacka dn water because the restaraunts and food carts around the museaums adn memorials are extremely expencive, but that's kind of off topic! I understand how hard it is to move, I have lived in the same town (Pocatello, Idaho) for 10 years now which is huge for me, since I always moved after a couple of years when I was young. But now my family and I are going to move to Boise, Idaho and although I am excited about it I am really sad too since this is the first place I have ever really put roots down and made my home. I will miss my kid's awesome school and all the wonderful friends I have made here so much! And I am not even moving out of the state! So I feel for you, but I always have said that you jsut have to DECIDE to be happy in a new place, look for the good things about it and don't dwell on the bad. I lived in Seoul, Korea as a teen and I met so many people who hated living there with a passion, btu I loved it! I DECIDED to love it and I did! Good luck with your decision, if you are religious at all, pray about it. Whatever you choose, your family will be OK!

The longest I was away from my husband was 6 months during Basic Training and AIT, but we stayed home. To me it wasn't worth the move to only see him for a couple hours on the weekend. Plus it was extremely nice still being close to family who could help out with my 2 kids. So if it were me, I'd stay home and just have even more fun every 4-6 weeks when hubby comes home throughout the year. Plus they say "absense makes the heart grow fonder." That was certainly true in my case. :) Good luck with your decision and thanks to your husband for his service!!