What to Do About a Funeral?

13 years ago when my grandmother passed away.
I took my son and my brother took my nephew (both 4 years old)and the funeral home did a wonderful job of taking them into the office and talking with them specially and even gave them a special book about it. My son still has his today at age 17. He probably does not remember much but i do.
Good Luck what ever you decide will be fine.
K. B

Karin,
My prayers go out to you and family during this difficult time. My mother passed away suddenly the week before Christmas. I took my 4-year-old to the funeral with us and he did quite well. My mother lived 3 states away so he did not get to see her too often, but spoke to her often. We visited her 3 weeks before she died, so he had some memories. He really did not have a concept of death, so he was okay. I told him that Grandma went to heaven and he asked me if she was with Jesus and I said yes.

During the following months, he would comfort me when he saw me crying and tell me that Grandma is just sleeping, then he would say let's go to her house tomorrow. I realized that he really didn't get it and was not harmed in any way by attending the funeral.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I lost a sister to leukemia :( I think that it is fine to take them to the funeral. I would not say the veiwing, but i see nothing wrong with the funeral. I have taken my kids to a few. If the family member is important to them then people will understand. My father in law is very sick and my husband and i have discussed that the kids have just as much a right to be there as us. They are so close to their pop pop. You need to do what feels right for you. God bless you and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Please know that you are not alone.

Karin,

Sorry to hear about your mother. I lost my father in 2006 to a rare stomach cancer. My father and daughter were close so I did take her to the viewing and the funeral. She was 5 at the time. I felt that she needed the chance to say goodbye as much as I did. This is a personal choice but I feel it is necessary for them to learn about death early so they are so afraid of it when they are older.

I had some friends keep an eye on her when I was talking with people. My daughter kept going up to the casket to see pop-pop but she understood he went to heaven and he wasn't coming home.

Be honest with them and if they ask questions, answer them as best you can.

May god give you the strength to get through this most difficult time.

L.

I say take them. I went to my first funeral at two years old, and many, many more during my childhood. My family takes the kids, too, because it is part of life and they are part of the family. Afterwards, at the re-pass, there is laughter and loving stories about the dearly departed, which is happy for the kids to see, also. I think the service gives closure and also shows the kids how much their family member was loved. I'm sure there will be many family members that will help out with the kids at the service during the difficult time you may have. Overall, you have to do what is best for you. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. God bless. Take care.

Karin,

I think it mostly depends on how close they are to your mother and also how much they understand. Your 5 year old might understand it better and so you might just want to take her. Try not to stress over it tho, whatever you decide I think will be alright. It's good that you took a step and asked for some advice from others to form your own from that.

Take Care,
M.

Karin,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and your family will be in my prayers.

You need to do what feels best for you. When my daughter was 4, my brother in law died. My daughter was sick with a bad cold, but had she not been, we would have taken her to the funeral. Her 5 yr old cousin was there and that was fine for her. My brother in law's own kids, 2 and just-turned-5, were not there, and to this day my sister in law regrets not having brought the 5 year old. As sad as everything was, the funeral eulogies also were a celebration of my brother in law's life, and my sister in law wishes her son had been there to hear all the warm, positive things people said.

When my daughter was 5, a close friend's child was very ill. We spoke to a friend who is a counselor, who spoke about making the right decision for one's own family, that there's no right or wrong, re attending a funeral. Our daughter did go to that funeral, and we felt we made the right decision. (She was not at the burial, however.)

I cannot imagine having a child see an open casket, however. The funerals I mentioned were not open casket.

I attended my grandfathers' funerals, with my younger brothers, when we were quite young, and I am very glad I was there.

There are a lot of good, age appropriate books out there re death and dying, and I would refer to some of those beforehand, too.

Good luck with everything you have to deal with right now. My thoughts are with you.

My aunt was only 5 years older than me and much more like a sister to me than an aunt. She passed away suddenly 4 years ago, a week before my son was born. My oldest daugter was 4 1/2 at the time. Her daughters (now my foster sisters as they are being raised by my parents) were 6, 8, and 10. We took all of the kids to the viewing. My daughter did not, however, go to the funeral. My parents needed my help to comfort my little cousins that day who needed to be there since it was their mom. They needed to be there for closure.

We have lost other family members. Usually not at such a young age (my aunt was 37). In our family, we have almost always taken the kids to the viewing. The exceptions being those under 2 if we have a sitter available. Death, although very difficult for those surviving, is a part of life. The funeral we usually go with our gut feelings on whether or not we can handle our own grief as well as caring for and nurturing our children through it.

The viewing allows the children a place where they can say goodbye to our loved one in a sheltered environment. We would bring them during a time before the veiwing started or just at the end of the viewing.

My suggestion is to take a close friend with you. One who is willing to babysit but can also be there for you if need be. The only thing more difficult than losing a parent is losing a child. Your children being close may bring you comfort and strength. It will also help them to learn to understand (at least as much as we can understand it) death. Having a friend with you will be a way to bring your own support system. Someone who knows you and will be able to help you meet the needs of your family. Being 3 and 5, I would probably bring them to the viewing but not the actual funeral. The actual funeral may be asking them to sit for longer than they are able to remain still and quiet.

Anyhow, I hope this helps. I lost my Grandfather to lung cancer and know how difficult this can be. Hang in there. Please feel free to email me if you need someone to vent or talk to.

Karin, I would first like to say that my prayers are with you and your family. I just lost my mother 3 weeks ago and had to make the same decision with my 4 year old son. We chose not to take him thinking he was too young and it would be hard for him to understand why momaw wouldn't wake up (as well as upseting for those attending the ceremony). However I am now wishing I would have taken him. He thought momaw and her whole body went to heaven, so we had a hard time explaining about burial when we visited the cemetery recently. I think it would have been easier for him to understand if he had seen the funeral process. I realize every child is different, and your children may react differently, just something to think about. Again my prayers are with you and your family, and if you would like to talk just send me a message. E.

Karin,
I'm sorry about the illness your mom has. I'm sure you will find out how wonderful hospice care is. I lost my stepfather (like a dad to me and O. of my son's primary caregivers for the first 2.5 yrs of his life) about 3 years ago. My son was (even at 2.5) told and was aware that Pap had cancer and the drs. were trying to make him better but, eventually, they could not help him. I still remember the day I had to sit him down and tell him that Pap died, his life was over and he went to heaven to live with Jesus. It was O. of the hardest things I ever had to do. We used to say that Pap was like my son's personal Captain Kangaroo--they were true buddies. In the end I decided NOT to take him to the funeral because of his age--I just didn't think he would really understand it. I have to tell you that while I was sure it was the right decision at the time, I now doubt my decision. My son remembers his Pap and we have covered the topics of funerals, graves, burial, cemeteries, etc. However, I can't help but feel my son would have had a better understanding f the cycle of life had he been taken at least to the funeral home to see his Pap.
Whether or not you take your kids is your personal decision. I found it better for everyone during my stepdad's illness and death if I was completely honest with my son. Try not to use euphemisms like "grandma's sleeping", "Looking down on you", etc. My son was able to achieve closeur after my husband let him buy a balloon, tie a note for Pap to it, and release it to heaven--and for Pap.
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. Wishing you strength and peace.

First of all... I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I know how hard these times are. Recently I lost my mother to Lung cancer (she was 57). I opted to take my daughter (age 3) to the funeral-- as well as my nieces and nephews were there that were also in the 5 and under range. I feel like it actually helped mydaughter to understand know where my mother is as opposed to her just not being there anymore. When we talk about the death, I find it easiest to answer the "where's grandma" question as "With the angels".. I also use this technique when the fish die,etc. b/c she knows that they are all taking good care of each other. Recently, my daughter asked me "When grandma wakes up, is she going to play with us?" and the response was "Grandma is going to be sleeping for a very long time." Which in turn brought on the question of "Because she's very tired?" "Yes, Grandma was very tired, but she's resting now." These are all honest answers, so you dont feel awkward dealing with death in an adult-manner... but able to have the child relate as best possible. Hope this helps... best wishes.

Its usually adults that can't handle death. Kids on the other hand are usually OK with it if the adult explains it in a way that shows its something not to be feared. I'm sure you could talk to your 3 and 5 year old about whats happening to grandma and share your beliefs an values and then ask them what they would like to do. Also, its depends sometimes on what kind of service is being held. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and most of our funerals are very positive. I have attended a Muslim funeral when I as young and that was difficult as women were screaming and wailing and chanting in a different language. At that age I really found it terrifying because I didn't understand it. So I would think about the atmosphere to because what other adults do may form good or bad attitudes about death.

Karin, I agonized over this very situation 8 years ago when my then 4-year-old's great grandfather passed. My son was very attached to him and when he passed I had no idea what to do or say. Then I decided that this could be the pivot moment for my son on how he will deal with death and other very difficult situations for the rest of his life. I sat him down and explained that his grandpop had gone to heaven and everyone gets together to say one last goodbye and celebrate how wonderful he is. I asked him if he wanted to go to celebrate and explained that many people will be sad and crying (and he might to) and he told me that he "has" to go because he loved his grandpop and he wanted to say good bye and "wish him luck" as his grandfather had always done with him. My baby was only 4 but his attitude helped us all deal with the loss. I made it clear that he could cry and be sad but we had to laugh and smile so grandpop knew we loved him. It was a life-changing experience for me too. Your children are young but they probably loved her too and maybe they should be given a chance to have one last goodbye with their grandmother. Just make sure you ask a few people that weren't as close with her to help you with the kids and bring lots of toys!

Good luck and bless you and your children!

A.

Karin,
First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know just how difficult this time is for you.

Secondly, I wanted to let you know what we did. My Mom just passed on April 30th from complications from a long term illness. We decided to make the funeral a celebration of her life, instead of mourning her death. We wore bright colors because she LOVED bright colors, and we tried our best to make it as positive an experience as possible. We took all of our children, 12 of the 14 grandchildren were there in ages ranging from 2 - 20. My younger children were 6 and 3 at the time of the funeral (my 15 yr old was there also, but my 20 yr old was out of the country). The pastor did a sort of children's church type thing with the ones who were around 8 and under. They all went up and sat with him and he talked to them about Granny. It was short and not really an in depth discussion, but it was a nice way to help them through the service. We also put together a gift from Granny for each of the grand kids. They got these on their way back to their seats (the older ones got the gift after the service). It did have a few busy items to distract the younger ones if needed. It turned out to be a successful endeavor, and the kids all handled it very well (even when their Moms cried). I don't think we needed to hide the pain and sadness, but we wanted to make the main focus of the day a celebration of her life. She was such an amazing person and we wanted them to remember that instead of the sadness, if at all possible. Another thing we did was a slide show with pictures and her favorite music playing before and after the service. We included pictures of Mom from childhood on, and we were sure to include pictures of her with each of her grand kids. They all smiled when they saw pictures of themselves with Granny up on the screen.

I know this won't work for every family, but luckily my 3 sisters and I were in agreement on what we wanted the day to be. Of course we are all still sad, and we all still cry occasionally, but that day we wanted it to be as upbeat as possible. It helped us, but in the process it helped the little ones to deal with a difficult situation.

My thoughts are with you. I hope you can come to a decision that works for you. I will say a prayer for you!

I am so sorry to hear about your mom's illness and fight. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

My grandfather died of pancreatic cancer about 3 years ago. My older son was 2 1/2 (I was pregnant with my second son at the time). I was in a panic about what to tell my son and how to handle it and trying to deal with my own emotions at the time as well. My mother-in-law is a librarian. She found a great book for me. It is called "How Do We Tell the Children" by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons. It is a "step-by-step guide for helping children two to teen cope when someone dies". It goes over many different situations from hospice, to pets, children, close family member and natural causes to illness to tragic accident. It is a hard book to read but is a great guide for how to talk to your child based on the situation and your child's age.

I hope this helps.

Karin V. This is really a personal choice for you and your husband to make. Are the girls close to your mother? Do you feel teaching them about death is too early? Do they know she is sick and this is a possibilty. We had an Aunt who my kids were very close to since one Grandmother lived in Florida the the other was deceased, they looked to our Aunt as a Grandmom. When she passed away suddenly my children were 4,6 and 8 years old. We saw her everyday and we loved her very much. My husband and I took our children to the viewing and funeral. MY son who was 6 at the time asked if Aunt Mary was going to wear that dress for the rest of her life and my daughter who was 4 after the cememtary asked if Aunt Mary was going to come to the luncheon we had after the funeral. So kids tend to take things in a different view. It kind of help to explain death a little bit. We explained that she is in heaven with God. They were sad that they could not see her and talk to her any more but it did not have any major negative affect on them. But you have to remember that you will be a lead to them if you are upsetand you have every right to be they might be also, and each person is different and handles things different. Good Luck with your decision. I am sorry for your family and your situation.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are right to make these decisions now instead of when you will be most emotional. I suggest, at least for your 5 year old, to involve her in the wake and funeral process. I was when I was her age and had no ill effects. My mom just told me not to be afraid and what to expect when I was at the viewing and that my greatgrandmother would be cold to the touch instead of her usual warmth. I have a few memories of the whole even and none are bad. You will have to read everyone's else's advice about your 3 year old because I am not sure on her. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. -NancyJ

I think that they should definitely go with you on the trip in general. As for attending the actual service, I'm 50/50 on that.
Either way, I definitely think you need to take a "nanny" along with you. A good friend, neighbor, etc. Somebody who will be by your side to scoop up the kids if you are emotionally focused on something else. That person will be able to make meals or take the kids for a walk if you need a break. That person might be able to watch the kids at a hotel while you and your spouse take a walk to talk, etc.
I hope you can find somebody willing to help you in this way. It sounds like you should take the offer your friends have given you. :)

First of all - I'm so sorry to hear of your mother's struggle.

I was very close with my great-grandfather when I was really little. I was about 4 when he passed away. I was not involved in any of the funneral events and I remember being scared and not understanding why I wasn't allowed certain places.

My husband's grandfather passed away when my kids were 2 & 9 months. We had them at everything but kept them in a front room for the viewing. They saw family, but didn't see the body.

My kids have come with my mom, and other various family members to plant flowers at past family members' graves. So they kind of had an interest in cemetaries.

This spring both of my grandmothers passed away. My kids were 1,3 & 4.5. We did take them to everything. My oldest remembered some things about her great-grandfather's funneral. I was actually with my one grandmother when she died. She was so thin from many years of battles with cancer and other lung and abdominal problems, but I have an image of her in the hospital bed that in my mind is beautiful. I didn't feel the kids needed to see her at the viewing, but wanted them there so I planned to do things similarly to the first time. Because of the way the funneral home was laid out, it was more difficult though. While I was visiting, my kids did wander over near my grandmother with some cousins. None of us quite knew what they'd think or say, but they seemed fine with it. They wanted to touch her and my neice nearly climbed in the coffin with her! The innocence of the young kids helped to lighten things up and my kids talk about the funneral all the time. Oh - we called the events her "Angel Party." They seemed really comfortable with that. We explained that her body was broken and sometimes hurt her, but now she will get to go be an angel and that she'll get a new angel body with no boo-boos.

My other grandmother was cremated. Due to various reasons we actually had her memorial events at a postponed date. It was a different kind of thing where we had lots of pictures instead of a coffin and her "service" was family and close friends sharing many old stories - very nice, but just informal kind of memorial. The kids were there and played on the floor and enjoyed seeing the old pictures.

Go with your heart and gently explain in as simple of terms as you can the situation - apply basic faith beliefs that fit with your family. Then leave the door open for them to ask questions. They may not have any at first, but at strange times something will trigger them to ask a deeper question. Answer each question as honestly and simply as you can. It's so easy to over-answer what was a really simple request on their part. If they need more, they will ask. Also, I found books to be helpful with the talking process. I found it hard to talk about things with them without some tears - it's ok... let them see you are sad to not get to see her anymore. Letting them see your feelings will help them to recognize and deal with theirs too.

As a minister it is always hard for me to do funerals and as much as I feel children were a part of the disceaseds life and should be brought in for the viewing but then taken out and left with a sitter as this is a part of life they need to see for a bit. It is traumatic on us but it can be overly traumatic on a young one.
I would also explain to them before that Grammy is with Jesus and is watching over you and will ever be in your heart. After they see her there in final rest ask someone to take them to a place away from the funeral. I did that when my mom went home to be with God as a single mom and he was good he was 7 at the time but hes ok.

It also helps to clarify for the child where their loved ones has gone. Well my prayers are with you and your little ones and family

Karin,
I' praying for you & your family.3 years ago I had a similar situation I lost my father to colon cancer the only difference is that he seemed to be fine went to the hospitol with another problem & 3 weeks later he was gone. I did take my children @ the time they were 10,3,& 2. I wasnt in the right state of mind to pay attention too them luckily I had other family members that took care of them there and my daughter that was 3 @ the time still remembers alot about that day. Everyone I knew was there so I didnt have a choose if I did & knowing what I know now I would have just took my 10 yo if you have people willing to come take care of them let them get all the help you can because this isnt easy. or Have someone there to help with your children because you may not be able to focus on them. Take care & again I'm praying for you
K.

It sounds like your mom is an amazing woman. I am so sorry for all you're going through. I haven't had to deal with this with my children yet. However, I was 6 and my sister was 3 when my mom's dad passed away. What my parents did was arrange for a private family viewing (most funeral homes are willing to do this). We went in, my parents explained a little bit, we were able to say goodbye to grandpa. (My sister tried to climb in his lap.) Then, when the time came for the funeral, we (the grandkids) went with a babysitter. That way, we were able to say our goodbyes, but my mom was able to mourn without upsetting us further or having to focus on us when she needed to focus on herself.

You know your children better than anyone, and although it's tough to truly know what their reactions will be, I say trust your instincts as to what they and you can handle. You may just need to focus on being a daughter and not a mom for a little bit, and that's ok.

Have you been taking the girls to see grandma? if so then they slowly been seeing her going down. Let them see her now if not and take pictures, when they older they will appreciate them more.

Your husband should be coming along with you and if need be could take the girls out of the church but yes take them they need to also say good bye

Hi Karin,

This is a touchy question.. I think that the kids are young enough that they are not going to understand or remember later on in years what goes on at the funeral so it is purely up to you. You said that your mom lives a distance away, so there maybe people down her way that wish to see the children. But if you feel that you will be needing time not dealing with the children at this time maybe take them and ask one of the wonderful people willing to help to go with you to help keep them occupied. Or maybe just have them take them to the funeral home for a short time and then to a park nearby or something like that. Like I said they wont remember this later anyway. Now if they were older I would say to ask them if they wanted to go when I was 10 my mother passed away and it was horrible on my seeing her in that funeral home, my last memories of her are not pleasant and I wish I had not been forced to go. I would rather remember her smiling at me, playing dolls or giving me a hug.Good luck I am sure you will do what is best for you and your children and your mom is in my prayers.

Karin,
Its not easy having 2 toddlers running around a funeral home but the girls do need to be there for a while to understand in their own way of thingin about grandma not being around anymore. Having them there will also be a very good distraction. Keeping them at the funeral home the entire time is not going to be easy on them either. They should be there for a little while because it is a natural order of life but I would also make arrangements for someone to take them for the bulk of the time. If you have a wake, keep them with you mostly because you will need their comfort, but see if maybe a close relative or friend could be close by to give you a hand. Lots of prayers to you and your family!!!
T.

My father in law died of colon cancer 5 yrs ago. My children were 7 and 2 at the time. They visited him often while he was in hospice care and we also celebrated my daughters' 7th birthday with him in hospice. (He actually was buried on her 7th birthday, but to this day she doesn't know that) When he passed away a few days later we never even questioned the fact the our daughters would be present at the funeral home and at the funeral. I think its was easier on them being there and saying goodbye. They each drew a picture and placed a toy (that they used to play with while with their pappy) in the casket with him.
There are also some really good books out about dying, that could help you explain to your children what is going on. For instances "What's Heaven" by Maria Shriver
You are in my thoughts and prayers at this hard time. And remember no matter what anyone tells you, only you know what is best for your children

I'm so sorry about your mom, and I realize how difficult it is to make these decisions because I've been there. Let me give you my perspective as someone who was the child, and someone who had a child when we had some losses of family and friends.

When I was 5, I lost my grandfather. My parents told me about it, of course, but got me a babysitter while everyone went to the funeral. I never got over the fact that I was not able to say goodbye to my grandfather as everyone else was able to. I still remember it - if that tells you anything.

When my daughter was 6, she lost a 5 year old friend (transplant complications). We did not bring her to the wake because we weren't sure if there would be an open casket and I think the open casket may be confusing for children. (Looks as if they're sleeping). But we did bring her to the funeral and explained to her that it was our opportunity to say goodbye to someone we loved. We also encouraged her to draw a picture for the mother of the little girl. She drew her friend as an angel - it was really quite beautiful. You could ask her to draw a card for grandma and put it with the casket as a goodbye gift. She handled the whole thing very well. A lot of it is how you present it. Children feel the loss, even if we adults think they don't, and need an opportunity to say goodbye - just like we do. Plus, I'm not sure we do them any favors shielding them from death, which is a natural part of life. There are some great picture books for children on death, and you might consider looking into them.

As for the 3 year old, I lost my father when my daughter was 2 1/2. She understood that Dad was gone, although the permanence of it might have been lost on her. We took her along as well for the funeral. But I don't think she remembers it the same way she remembers her friend's funeral when she was 6.

Hope this helps, and my condolences.

I would take them it is there grandma. I lost my sister in law last December to cervical cancer and even though it is a hard time we took my kids they were 3 and 7 at the time. My little one was a little restless, but I think we made the right decision for them to be there. I think having your kids there even though so young will help you through your time of need it did for my husband he felt better having his kids to hold during the funeral. I am sorry for what you are going through.

D. T

My father has decided to come off of his chemo treatments and other treatments he was on so he could enjoy what ever time he had left. While he feels much better and can run around again, his got his first set of test results back from his liver and they don't look good. I am not sure how much time he has left (lord knows I don't want it to be soon) but when the time comes I would bring my children, I think. My daughter is three going on four and because she is so close to him I couldn't see not letting her say goodbye. My son will be a year in less than a month so he would be too young to understand. I think that when the time comes you should make the decision then. See how your children react to the news and determine it from there. That is the best advice I can give you. I am so sorry to hear about your mother. That is a tough situation. I lost my grandmother to ovarian cancer. I will keep you all in my prayers. Also, I want to mention, why not have a contingency plan just incase. If you have friends who can take the children, just arrange for it just incase. You have no idea what you'll be like and what your children will be like. God bless to you and your family.

I am truly sorry for your situation - the whole experience is exhausting! Sadly I have been through this with both of my parents and then my father in law. The one thing I can say is allow yourself time to be a daughter in mourning. At the funeral home it is hard to be a mother and a daughter at the same time. The one thing I think was the most helpful was having the first initial moment in the funeral home without the kids.It gave me time to absorb and have my moment without worrying about what my kids were seeing or thinking. To have that time and shock of it all ... then have the kids be brought to you. They will be a nice distraction for everyone. The funeral home where we went had a little room that we set up with some toys (things that were new or rarely played with so it looked new and more interesting). I would assign one person to be in charge of your children to remove the burden from you. And be prepared for some hilarious and somewhat inappropriate questions from your children!

Karin, First may I express my deepest sorrow for you and your family. It's sooo hard loosing a parent or any loved one like that. I really think you have to go with your first instincts when it comes time for the funeral. Death is a part of life, and it's up to you and your hubby if they should be there through the ritual of saying good-bye. When my husband's grandparents died my girls were 3yr and 1yr and we lived out of state so we had them with us through the entire process. Frankly I still feel that it was easier for us because the girls were with us. When a tresured Uncle died a couple of years ago our girls were 14, 12 & 9 and we gave them the option of attending the funeral and calling hours. They all chose to miss the first day of school that year to go to the funeral. It was hard, but they handled it well and I was very proud of them. Do whatever you think is best for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Hi Karin, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. i just lost my dad almost one year ago. it will be a year on the 20th. my siblings and i all have small kids and only those 12 and over went. for me i know my dad wouldn't have wanted them there and i wanted to greive and not have to worry them why i was crying. i just knew i wanted to be comforted that day and not to worry about comforting anyone else.
Just in case your is the same my kids seemed unaffected by my dad's death and he watched them since they were born along with my mom one to two days a week. he picked up my son from kindergarden sometimes three days a week. i was almost asking why aren't they affected, my dad LOVED kids and always played with them and made them laugh then about 2-3 minths later it came out and they would cry at night or just odd times when somehting hit them. i don't know why i am sharing that with you i guess just in case your seem unaffected in the beginning it may come out later. Good Luck! Also some relatives suggested i pick up the kids and take them to the luncheon after and again i just wanted to have a drink with my lunch and share with my close friends and cousins my and thier loss of my dad.

My thoughts are that you know your children and how it will affect them. You know their maturity level and how they will react. I think it is a feeling that you will know. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do on this but your own womanly, motherly instinct. I don't think most likey that the three year old would know the difference if he went or not and the five year old not much more, but will be full of questions. I probably would not take them myself it was mine because I would feel like they really wouldn't understand and might be pulling at your pants to leave or pick them up or tell you they want to play or something like that where you probably will want to really concentrate and think about your loved one that has passed and talk to all that come to pay tribute. Two years ago my mother-in-law passed away and my husband and I did take our children. Then two were seven year old female twins and the other one was a female singleton that was nine. My nine year old was quiet and sad and knew quite well that this was what death looked like and was affected with curiosity and saddness. My other ones were kind of asking a lot of questions, sort of removed from it all and just sort of busy saying hello to guests and didn't get the gist of it all being over a death. So.............it's a hard call but one I think you will get the perfect answer by looking within.

A lot of people have done what I did. When my odd was about 2, her great aunt passed. We took her. She had no clue what was going on, just walked around but the adults enjoyed having her there. It was a small break from the grief & she just walked around, etc.

About a yr & a half ago, we lost my dh's grandfather. My odd was now 5 1/2, our ydd was about 1 1/2. He was someone that they both saw frequently so I was very insistent that they get to go, mostly for the older one. My dh was not sure, his family was very against it. But...I felt like she was old enough to know he was not around any more, & she needed to understand what we do as a family when these things happen, how we grieve.

So..we went. It was a nice day & the place for the viewing had a huge porch outside that we could sit on. We let her dictate what she wanted to do. She was able to hug on her family & go in where we had pics of him w/ everyone & when she was ready & had asked, we took her in to see him. She did it at her pace & when she wanted to. She cried & we held her. After a while, I took them back to my il's so they could unwind. The next day, we did the service & when my sil got up to read her mother's eulogy, my dd went up w/ her aunt & held her hand. The other one got restless so we let her walk around the back.

The other thing I did was to make her a memory box. She had a box that we put his picture on the top of & she could put pictures, the cards from the service, etc in. It was out for her to see/go to when ever she wanted & I know that it gave her something concrete to do that helped her understand the process.

The other thing I want to say is that they are curious & they don't see much about it. My dd knew that her dad had been w/ the ggf when he passed. When he got home that night, she laid on the floor & stuck out her tongue & asked if that was what Djadic looked like. My dh was livid! But...I had to remind him that the only death she has really seen was in cartoons where that is how it is depicted. That was one reason I wanted her to have the opportunity to see the reality of it, just a sleeping look.

First let me tell you how sorry I am to hear about your mother. Are your children informed to what is going on? I had a similar experience last year when my cousin past away after a year long fight of a rare type of cancer. My children were 9 & 4 at the time. I tried to make sure that I explained to them that their aunt was sick and that she would be going to heaven. That we may not be able to see her anymore, but that we could hold onto memories of her by simply talking about her and looking at pictures. I also reassured them them that she has now become an angel and that she is always with us even if we cannot see her. My children did attend the funeral service as well as the burial. Many of our family had done the same. I think having the children there helped, they are so innocent and had brought joy to many people. I hope in some way that I was able to help you. You and your family will be in my thoughts.

Hi Karin,
You've gotten some lovely advice. I only wanted to add that if you do take the kids to the funeral, make your piece with it beforehand. Meaning, don't get upset if they misbehave (or merely are merely age-appropriate), or if people give you grief about. Takes a lot of nerve to criticize someone at her own mother's funeral! When my father died my niece and nephew were four and two. My brother didn't take them to any services, but he took them to the cemetary to have a talk about how it all works, going to heaven and leaving your body behind. Emily always had crazy, circuitous logic. She looked down at the grave and said,"Daddy. Dadddy. Pop-pop died, right?" "Yes, Bug." "He's in Heaven with Jesus?" "That's right." "That is just his body." "Yes." "Pop-pop is gone." "Yes." "So, why are we here?"
Which is all to say that you can't really predict how the kids will be or how much they understand. Go with your gut and be kind to yourself. Don't let these kinds of decisions get in the way of your grieving process. You have all my sympathy; I've lost people to cancer, and it is just rotten. I'll keep you all in my prayers.
Many Blessings,
Martha

I'm sorry for your situation. I will pray for your mother and your family. I think you should consider taking your children, but also taking a friend along to help. Give your kids an opportunity to be a part of this family event, but if it gets to be too much for them (or for you) you will have another person they are familiar with to help you out.

I recently joined a church where the pastor calls all the kids up for a short sermon that is child friendly. I wonder if the clergy would be willing to do that for the children attending your mother's funeral. Or maybe he'd be willing to meet them before the service to explain what will be happening during the funeral and answer any questions they might have. That might help them deal with their feelings and questions. It might also give you guidance on how to help you children in the days that follow.

I am sorry for your situation, that must be extremely dificult.

Never having dealt with it - but having babysat for friends' kids during a funeral - I would not be inclined to include them. Unless, perhaps you have someone they really trust/like who can care for them during the funeral (or a babysitter at the home). You kinda need to take care of yourself during that time.

Might you consider doing something special to celebrate your mom at the hospice before she passes? Find ways to celebrate her life (share photos and stories?). And, the kids could participate (draw pictures, sing songs, recall their memories from shared photos). This would allow them to spend some special time with her, and tell her they love her.

My kids (same ages) and I went to visit an Uncle in the hospice recently. We thought it was good for the kids to see him - even though he slept most the time. When he passed away, they did not attend the service. We explained that he was "very very sick and very very old" (we did the same with our cat). They kinda get now that you do not die from being sick, nor from being old necessarily - but the combination. It seemed to work in terms of them not being preoccupied with death of loved-ones.

I say yes - take them. I think it would help them understand what is going on. It will be sad for everyone, but this is part of life and a good way to help them say goodbye. My sister & I took our kids to my father's funeral. And none of them freaked out of anything. They all said goodbye, and I think it was good for them. I don't know about you, but holding my kids and hugging them makes me feel better, so it was good to have them there. There was a good article on BabyCenter.com Look it up for other ideas about dealing with this time.

Hi Karin,
When my grandfater died my oldest son was 3 and I took him to the funeral home both nights. He did not stay the whole time but was there for most of it. My husband was with me and when Pat started getting really restless my husband took him to Kings for a treat the one night and home early the other. It really helped him to be a part of it and seeing him helped everyone there especially my grandmother. I did not take him to the funeral because I felt that he could not behave well enough for the church and the cemetery and it wasn't fair to him to ask him to sit still and be quiet all that time, but we went and got him for the lunch after. We did the same with my 6 month old son but of course he slept for most of everything. We also took him to the cemetery on a different day so he knows where "nonno" is now and we still two years later have positive talks about missing him and death. They were very close and I'm glad that while my oldest will always have good memories of nonno, he also has a good understanding of why he is no longer here with us. I hope my experience helps you, but you do know your kids best and I do think that how close they are to your mother makes a difference. If they didn't spend a lot of time with her, having them there may make it harder on them, but if they were close to her I think it may help them deal with it all. Hopefully you will have quite awhile before you need to make this decision.

Hi Karin,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My mother died in January of metastatic breast cancer. I have two boys - and they had just turned 2 and 5 at the time of my mom's death. I didn't want my boys at the memorial. I knew they wouldn't really understand what was going on. They are "boys" and sometimes will run around. I didn't want to have to deal with disciplining the boys on a day were I could barely keep my cool. I got some flack from my in laws for not bringing my boys...but I don't really care. I am a mom 24/7....and I needed one day to mourn the loss of my mom...without worring if I am scaring my kids or if I need to make sure they are behaving.

Good luck to you.

To begin, I'm so sorry for your situation. I had a father and husband pass away from cancer. They have to be so tough - it is a horrible disease.

As to your mom's funeral, take your kids but have help with you. When my father passed away, I did NOT take mine (8 and 4 at the time). I took them to the funeral home but they had no closure and it was tough afterwards. I really do regret it to this day. It is very tough on everyone but they will get through it. My prayers are with you.

I am so sorry to hear about your mom-I just recently lost my mom last September to a 6 1/2 year battle and boy my heart is with you! That is a tough one--I wanted to bring the older one but in the end I did not and that was okay for us-at the time-- As for the funeral--I had a 5 year old and two 3 year olds--and I did not bring them to the funeral ceremony and had nor did my sister who had a 4 and 2 year old. What we did was have them with Babysitters @ a friends house--who played and did arts and crafts with them--and then I had them come to the reception following-When they came in afterward--it was perfect--the saddness of the day was lifted and life came through the doors--it was great! Let me just add that before the funeral etc we had the kids draw pics and I too wrote my mom a letter and put it in with her--it made me feel better-In this past year we continued to honor her and even planted a tree in her honor and the kids call it the grandma tree- We just celebrated the anniversary of my moms passing with a church service with close family/friends--and the kids came to that--we had a pic of my mom up and the kids brought up roses to honor her-it was beautiful! hang in there and please feel free to contact me @ ____@____.com if you need to chat at any time! Hang in there! I will keep you in our prayers!

From my own personal experience little kids can be such a blessing when you go through something like this. I say take them. They may be the perfect medicine when you are feeling really bad. They help to perk others up as well. I don't think that at that age they would be hard to control. Not like a 1yrold. My grandmother recently died and my 2.5yr old and my 1yo nephew were both at the funeral and it worked out really well. My nephew was a bit of a handful. But there was always someone there ready to hold or watch him.

I don't know what the right answer is, but I will offer this: my great grandmother was a very big part of our lives when we were young. She passed when I was 8, I went to her funeral- and I remember every detail of that day. More so than her baking or knitting or stories. I would rather remember those latter things... I know everyone is different, but I am 32 now and struggle to remember anything about her that wasn't funeral related. I hope this helps, your family will be in my prayers.
A.

I am so sorry about your mom. 5 years with ovarian cancer is an incredible battle-- she must be an incredible woman. I would probably not take the kids if there is any way to avoid it. They are too young to need the whole kit-and-kaboodle that are our death rituals, and the last think you need is for you or your husband to have to take potty (snack, toy) break in the middle. Also, you need to be able to be there just for yourself and not have to worry about being strong for the kids.

If they were 11 and 8, I'd feel differently (I clearly remember sitting at my grandmother's funeral when I was 11 and looking at my mom crying and thinking "someday I'll be burring (sp?) her, At 3 and 5, I think exposing them to that many upset people is going to just be upsetting, and they probably won't remember it anyway.

This is a day you get to be selfish-- do what you want. What ever you want will be right for them.

Again, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this.

I would take them. They are a part of the family, too, and deserve the chance to say goodbye just like everyone else. Viewings tend to be a celebration of the person's life, not their death. It's a time for remembering and for grieving. There are many resources and the funeral parlor usually has stuff, too. There is typically a family room where you can have someone sit with the children if you don't want them in the actual viewing service. As someone else replied, "...I feel it is necessary for them to learn about death early so they are [not] afraid of it when they are older." I couldn't agree more. Just be sure to talk with them and prepare them a little before hand and make sure you have other people with you who will help keep an eye on them. God bless.

Karin, So sorry to hear you and your family are going through this. I lost my mother to ovarian cancer 6 years ago. My children were 10, 7 and 3. I did take the kids to the funeral. Children, like adults need closure. They need to know what happens to grandma. And unfortunately, they need to learn about death, Also, they will in time understand that grandma in no longer suffereing. It then becomes your job to keep your mother's memory alive. I wish you well.

Hi Karin, first off I'm so sorry about your mom, its hard to watch those we love battling such an awful disease. I lost my father last Oct to colan cancer and my brother just last month to the same disease. When it came time for the funeral I too struggled with what to do about the kids.. I have 5 ranging from 13 to 5. As they were very attached to both my father and brother I chose to have them attend both viewing and funeral. My older kids actually took part in both church services. I think in some way it helped them. In trying to explain to them what was happening we told them how hard they had fought and that they were tired and God saw that and now they had 2 angels watching over them. My youngest told people at my dads funeral that he had his own angel now, and when my brother died he told me not to be sad that now Poppy and Uncle John were both angels and now they could go golfing again:) I think you need do what you feel is right for you and your family, and if there are friends willing to come help by all means take them up on it, you will need all the support you can get. My heart goes out to you, and I hope this helps a little.
C.

First of all, I am so very sorry about your mom.
This is a tough one. On one hand, I think it may be difficult for you to manage two kids at a funeral and a reception afterwards. On the other hand, I am sure having them there could possibly be a source of comfort for you-and I am sure seeing your kids will make some people smile a little at such a sad time. It may be hard for your kids to understand if you get upset, but at the same time, it is part of life and they need to know it's ok for you to be sad.

I don't know. That is a really tough call and I'm sure I've been no help.

Could you maybe have someone watch the younger child and take the 5 year old with you? Or will someone be at the funeral who can take them out of the room and sit with them while the service goes on, if they start to get antsy? I just would hate to see you have to miss out honoring your mom...because we know how kids can get when they are supposed to be quiet. ;)

Let us know...and again, I am so sorry. My cousin just lost her mom about a month ago, and we both have kids who just turned 4. We are holding a memorial for her down in TX where she lives, but I don't think I will be taking my girls (mainly because of the cost of airfare).