MIL Issues

Your mother in law sounds like mine! And from experience I can tell you, disassociate. My question to you is why are you upset over what is crystal clear? If you know what kind of woman she is and you know relationships are not healthy with her, why would you want that around your children???
You are best to leave her to her life and you live yours.
If she brings nothing to your family then why would you want to continue any type of relationship with her. In my experience it is best to leave it alone. Concern yourself with your immediate family because no matter what you try or how hard, she will not change, ever. Don't be the mediator for something that has no worth. Good luck J..

J.,
Though she sounds like a MAJOR piece of work, she still is grandma and I wouldn't scratch her off altogether. The trick is to not have expectations and set boundaries, which your husband is doing by not being her slave anymore. If he can continue to see her and do for her on his terms, and not take it personally when she gets whacky, then your kids can have a Grandma when you want to bring them over there. She obviously isn't capable of initiating a positive interaction, so don't hope for it. I guess I see it as looking at her as some odd bird at the zoo that you visit periodically. The thing is, kids learn how to have their kids treat you by how you show them you treat your parents. Did you follow that?
If you maintain their relationship with her, they will have their kids maintain a relationship with you. Hopefully you will be able to do more for their kids than she for yours.
But you must make it clear to her and them that inappropriate behavior is just that--inappropriate and unacceptable for anyone.
A.

I haven't looked to see what other kinds of responses you have received, so forgive me if I am repeating other people's advice - as sad as it may be to have to cut the ties with people, especially when it's family, I think that at times it just has to be. It sounds like all of you are better off without her. Perhaps if the entire family has shut her out, she will wake up and realize that she is the problem and not everyone else, and may try to mend her ways a bit. If not, then at least you have your sanity, and your kids aren't being set up for disappoinments whenever she lets them down.
Good luck to you, I hope everything works out!

Hi J.,

It sounds like your mother-in-law has a lot of emotional issues and, as a result, is one of those people I call crazy-makers or vampires. They suck the energy and/or happiness out of you.

I would agree with the therapist: both your hubby and you need to take your distances with her. I know it's hard, especially for your hubby, but if she always makes you feel angry/sad/exhausted/unworthy/etc. every time you see her, the key to healing is to make a break so that she at least can't continue feeding the dysfunctional relationship and the negative feelings, which gives you guys a chance to heal, and, once this is done, maybe re-establish a relationship with her on sounder ground.

I understand how hard it is for your hubby to do this; I've been in his shoes, except it was my father. The key to my healing (and us having the great relationship we have today) was for me to stop communicating except for those absolutely necessary times (i.e. I would call him for Christmas and his birthday), work on myself and, once I was in a place where he couldn't hurt me as much anymore, approach him to see if he was willing to re-start the relationship on sounder ground, or not. Turned out he did, and we have a great relationship today, but I was perfectly ready - and in peace with - for no relationship to be possible.

I have one question: Is she the same with your children, or do they love her? Sometimes, people can have very strained and loaded relationships with their siblings and children, but have great relationships with their grandchildren. If this is the case, can you limit your interactions with her to bringing her the children and picking them up? That would be a way to have them enjoy their grandmother without you having to interact with her at more than a basic level.

Hope this helps,
K.
www.dailymastery.com

Wow J.. I'm sorry. My heart goes out to you. I had some issues with my MIL so I can totally relate. Thank goodness my husband was able to handle it and things are much better. I think the therapist hit it on the nose. However, before cutting off the relationship, your husband may want to consider having a final talk with her. Make it clear to her how he feels without any yelling. Tell her if she does not change he can no longer have a relationship with her. She may not realize how much her behavior is hurting her son and family. If she's been made aware of this already, I'd say screw her...