Problems Wih MIL

Updated on December 07, 2010
A.B. asks from Frisco, TX
18 answers

I really need all the advice I can get on this one:

Just a little background: I'm a sahm to a two year old and another one on the way. My dh and I have had problems in the past and right now because of his mother. We even go to therapy and a recurring problem is his mom. He is very attached to his parents and is an only child.

His mom is very overbearing and bossy. She sticks her nose in other peoples' business and generally feels like offering her unsolicited opinion on all matters. She sometimes has no idea what the hell she is talking about and my dh has told me that too.

Here's the problem: I'll be up front I don't like her. Aside from that, she has a general lack of common sense when it comes to watching my child (ex. she lets a 1 1/2 year old climb up a ladder that's very unstable with her even when I tell her don't, she invites him to go potty with her when he doesn't need to go, she lets him stand on swiveling chairs). She also has on many many occasions blatantly ignored what I am telling her in regards to my child. She tells me I need to let her be the grandmother and spoil him but on many occasions it involves his safety and I can't believe I have to explain that to a 65+ year old. Also they live very close by and want to see my son almost every week and have him sleep over. I think it is way too often and since they live so close he doesn't need to sleep over all the time. They keep asking and it is so annoying. I once wrote her an email (actually my dh wrote it) basically saying hey I'm the mom and you need to respect that. Her response was why do I feel threatened by her. Seriously this lady is nuts.

Also when my son and I are around her, she assumes a lot of the things I would do for my son and I don't want nor ask for help in that way. This has caused a lot of problems between my dh and I.

Over thanksgiving, I couldn't bear to spend more than 2 days with them and this caused a big problem with my dh. He wanted for all of us to hang out together and I coudln't bear it any more and wanted to go home. My son does enjoy time with them but he sees them so often that I don't feel bad that we can't spend 4 days together.

Here's the topper: today I found out that mil contacted our therapist. My dh did not tell me that she was thinking of doing that but she had mentioned it to him and he gave her the name. I am furious. MIL told dh that she has a friend who's a therapist also and that person had recommended my mil contact my therapist to better understand why we don't get along. I feel betrayed by my dh and I can't stand his mom even more.

What do you think of this mess?

Update: I would love love love nothing more than to move away so I don't have to deal with this lady any more but not an option. The dh would need to find another job, etc. Actually, when my dh and I first got married we lived a 3 hour plane ride away from his parents and we got along just dandy. But we also didn't have our son at the time.

Also my therapist has told me she wouldn't discuss anything with her unless it was okay with both of us. The therapist was going to recommend someone else for my mil to talk to. She needs the help.

What can I do next?

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Thank you ladies for your helpful insight.

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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I've got a real doosie of a MIL and what I do is: avoid her company whenever I can. Send hubby over for a visit.

If they live very close by, why in the world would you spend a 4 day holiday together??!! Thanksgiving dinner would be enough!

Continue to work at therapy and hopefully, she will go to a therapist as well. Let's just hope she's honest about what goes on. Maybe inviting her to O. session may not be a bad idea--the two of you can at least keep her honest!

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K.S.

answers from Denver on

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I hope if nothing else, you can see how many of us have MIL issues, they are tricky. I have a few things to offer.

Who told you that this friend of your MIL's, who is also a therapist, recommended that MIL contact your therapist. As a therapist, I can tell you the odds of this are pretty slim. No competent therapist would suggest that someone contact another person's therapist- because it is inappropriate and because they would know that the therapist would not disclose any information. Just FYI.

Anyway, I think it might help for you to separate out some issues. It is really hard to encourage a relationship with someone you don't like. This is very easily skewed, even with the best of intentions. You sound very good about wanting to allow a relationship, just make sure your issues are your own.

That said, the safety concerns are a valid reason to set some boundaries. To start, have some conversations about what is important to MIL. As hard as this is, she may be pushing herself on you guys harder simply because she feels you pulling away. Feeling like you get that she wants to be a part of your lives will itself go far in settling her down.

Ask her how she most likes to spend time with your son. What are her favorite things to do with him. Then sort of negotiate. If she says "I like for him to spend the night once a week and see him every weekend and take him to the zoo", you can say "I know that would be fun for you, I'm not comfortable with that much time away from me, but let's look at our schedules and see...." Let her know if you aren't comfortable with sleepovers yet, let her know if you don't like other people driving him, etc. Then come up with things you ARE comfortable with. It's your kid and your call with how much time you allow, so it's fine to say what you don't want her to do. But give her an idea of what you will let her do. Again, this might settle her anxiety a bit, enough to start working with anyway.

And keep conversations going. Remind her that maybe as he gets older you'll be comfortable with more outings or whatever.

If she does not respond to this at all and keeps doing things that are making you upset, you need to be more blunt. Let her know you feel like she is intruding on your family. That you want her to be a part of your lives, but that there are boundaries that you expect to be honored (and be prepared to name them).

As far as your husband, hopefully you'll be working on some of this in counseling- learning to support each other and set family boundaries.

I know this sounds easier said than done, and believe me- I have my own MIL issues so I know things don't always go according to the lovely script described above. But the important thing is for you to be centered and aware of your boundaries and buttons so that you are in control of yourself, not just being set off by her.

Good luck

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M.H.

answers from Charlotte on

Your MIL sounds a lot like my MIL! I also have a MIL who is nuts and lacks common sense. She is in her own little world, clueless, and says and does mean things to me, so I can relate. The good news for me is that she lives far away! Unfortunately, your MIL lives close to you. Is there any way you and your family can move far away from her? I am serious. I would die if I had to live close to family (thank God we don't). Your username is newinfrisco (I live in Flower Mound, BTW). Did you just move to Frisco? Again, could you move somewhere else? Anyway, your therapist cannot tel your MIL anything due to patient confidentiality - your MIL should know that! Yeah, your husband should have told you he gave your MIL your therapist's phone #. The problem is that your husband is the only child, so your MIL has no other children to focus on - just your husband. On the flipside, you don't have any two-faced bitchy sister in laws to deal with like I do. I would LOVE it if my husband was an only child. Anyway, your MIL doesn't listen to you and doesn't respect you. She MUST understand that you are your child's mother and YOU have the power. Since she doesn't listen to you, that is a perfect excuse for you to NOT let your child sleep over at her house. Just calmly and matter-of-factly say, "You ignored what I told you about my child," so I don't feel comfortable allowing him/her to spend the night. If you're not comfortable saying that, then just lie and tell her that both you and your child are not ready for sleepovers. Don't forget - you have all the power - let your crazy MIL say or do whatever she wants - she will never win! Now go move far away from her! Also - your husband needs to support you. I hope you have his support.

3 moms found this helpful

M.L.

answers from Houston on

I'm sorry. I have had in law issues in the past, then I realized I was being overly judgemental about things. They did some things that really really irritated me and we saw a lot of things differently. My husband and I also had t go to counseling to help with this, as it was a main concern in my marraige and he was also fiercly loyal to them and always sided with them.

In any case, we have an absolutely wonderful relationship now. I've put things in teh past and we've talked about some issues, but most of the things I got pissed about then, I think about today and laugh because it was so silly.

I agree, there are some safety issues, but they really aren't that bad. Are they very attentive with your son or do they ignore him if he were to fall or injure himself? You have to remember the parents of the older generation were much more lenient with safety precautions, we are a coddled generation who are hyper-sensitive to safety concerns, so try and pass that off as a generational thing. If it still bothers you, then don't let her watch your child unattended. Let her know point-blank what the safety concerns are and that you stand by them. just be sure not to nit-pick. I know it's easy to find fault on people who annoy you, but really if yo can get past this, you may see it's really not that bad.

As for the sleeping over, just tell her you aren't comfortable with him doing that at this age, but maybe in a year or two when he is a little more stable with walking and climbing, once or twice a month would be fine, and let her have a few days a month to really spend some quality time with him. Or, tell her up front that if she can remove the swivel chairs/ladder from her front room, then it would be okay so you would know that those won't be issues.

Also, encourage activities with her and your family, at your house, at the zoo, at the library or movies, or out to dinner. It's helpful to get out and do things that are enjoyable so oyu won't be feeling pressured to watch her every move.

Really, sharing a therapist would not be a good thing, but it sounds as if your therapist already knows that which is why he/she has referred your mil to someone else.

Aside from her contacting your therapist, I really don't think she sounds all that bad, and she doesnt' sound nuts either. When I was pregnant I always got more upset and super emotional about people that annoyed me as well, so I wonder if that has anything to do with some of the things you are seeing? I'm wondering if you are riling yourself up over her and getting angrier and angrier by the minute on issues that are really not all that bad. I speak from experience here.

Kade gave wonderful advice, I especially agree with what she said about how she may be pushing harder to get close b/c she can sense you pushing her away.

3 moms found this helpful

S.B.

answers from Topeka on

I would start by asking her what she was thinking when she called your therapist. I sure hope your therapist didn't give her any information or you will need to find another therapist. It's totally against your contract with your therapist. I don't think you should bring up the baby in this conversation but you need to let her know that your personal life is none of her business.

As far as the child, I really think you need to let up a little. She is the grandmother and needs to be allowed to see the child. She may do things differently than you, but you need to back off and let her do things her way. It is your child, yes...and you should be concerned about the safety of your child. But his grandmother knows what she is doing and you need to trust that.

Be thankful your mother in law can even see your child. I have not seen my inlaws in over a year. We live halfway across the country from them and it's a shame my children won't be able to grow up knowing their grandparents like your children will.

2 moms found this helpful

L.B.

answers from Biloxi on

I am going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you talk to your therapist about inviting your MIL into a session with you. Just you, not your hubby. An objective third party may be able to help you both to work on compromises that benefit the child in this matter.

You sound like you have a lot of anger directed at your MIL - I get it, she lets your child do things that are unsafe and not in keeping with your child rearing strategy. You two are in a power struggle and the one who gets hurt is your child who loves you both. Unfortunately though you can pick your spouse you get can't pick his family. But since you will be related to her forever you need to figure out a way to be in the same in room with her.

She does need to learn to respect you and your child rearing style....a therapist may be able to help.

Good Luck.

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J.F.

answers from Toledo on

I have a MIL who is very difficult to swallow at times as well, so I COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from...especially when it comes to not following your instructions with the kids. She was completely out of line to have even considered contacting your therapist, but you do have the upper hand here. Due to HIPAA laws, your provider can not (by law) discuss even the mere fact that you are seeing him/her. If she wants to seek the services of this professional on her own, that is her choice, but he/she can still not discuss his sessions (or what he learns from those sessions) with you and your husband with her. If he did discuss these things, he could face malpractice suits and possibly losing his license.

With all that said, I want to give you my take on things when I'm having a really hard time with my own MIL. I often have to look at my four children and remind myself that she is a mother just like I am to my kids. One day, I will likely be the dreaded mother-in-law and the best thing I can do is learn from her exactly how I do not want to be when the time comes. My husband is my MIL's baby (of 2 boys), and my only son is my baby of my 4 kids. I already look at my 13 month old son and can't imagine how anyone could ever love him better or make him happier than I do. My husband and I have talked a few times about this. I have to accept that some day, my son will probably like another woman better than he does me, even though he still loves me very much. I have to accept that he will devote his life to serving another woman. Think about that from a mother's perspective. That is a hard pill to swallow. My MIL drives me absolutely batty at times, but I have learned to just pick my battles. They live 1/2 mile away from us and we see them a few times a week. My kids spend the night there quite often. I love to see how much my kids enjoy spending time with grandma and grandpa. Its never too much. I know because of the relationship my kids have with them, that if (God forbid!) anything should ever happen to my husband and I, his parents would be the ones to step in and raise our children, and I wouldn't wish it any other way. They are very close to my kids and it is because of her pushiness and overbearing ways. My point is that even though she annoys the s^!* out of me, my children have benefited (and will continue to do so) greatly from their relationship.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

It sounds to me like you have given her way too much thought and energy. It sounds like you love your husband and she raised him so give her brownie points for that and cut her a little slack as difficult as that may be for the sake of your marriage. Maybe concentrate more on 1 good thing about her and unfortunately in marriage we have to endure some not so great people just to have peace and harmony in our family lives. Think about your son...you mentioned he loves her. I think seeing your therapist with your MIL & spouse is a great idea then you will know who's the one who could use a little more therapy. Please try to understand your husband he is stuck in between 2 women that her loves dearly and doesn't want to upset either one. I feel bad for him he shouldn't be in that spot. Who really cares who called the therapist and who knew about it there are so many bigger issues in life. Seeing other peoples difficult lives (such as being unemployed at this time of year) truly puts in perspective what is important and what we should and shouldn't let get to us. Try to enjoy the few years she has left at least let your son and husband enjoy these years. Life is too short. Good Luck to you and your family.

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T.B.

answers from Miami on

First of all, your therapist has NO right to discuss your situation with anyone, with or without your permission! From what you've described, even I don't like your MIL....YIKES. Talk about overbearing, I surely feel for you. Your husband is the one that should be putting his foot down and supporting your concerns by telling his mother how things need to be. IF he's unwilling to do this, then I'm afraid this evil task will come to you. You have a RIGHT to do whatever is necessary to protect the well being of your child and preserve your sanity in the process. You can do this in a loving and caring way (I know, easier said than done) but you need to express your concerns to her and tell her what YOUR solution for these concerns will be. If you don't want your child spending the night, then you tell her that you are not okay with overnight visits at this time...but you will consider it in the future when you feel more comfortable having your child away for the night. As for holiday gatherings, decide before you go how long you would like to stay...and stick to it! When she assumes what you would do and perhaps she is verbalizing this??? Simply correct her by saying, "I appreciate your input, but this is how I do it and it works for me...at this time." You can make her feel like you value her input....without actually doing what she says. You are your child's mother and your husband is your MIL's child. She did her job raising him, he's a grown man. Sometimes you have to lovingly remind people like this that they had their time to raise their child and this is YOUR time to raise yours...the way you want. Good luck with this.

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Call your therapist and explicity state that you do NOT give your permission of any information about your sessions to be divulged.

That's pretty basic in the cannon of ethics (patient confidentiality... even for psychologists to talk amongst themselves about patients by name they have to get a signed waiver, and officers of the law need warrants that are *extremely* difficult, near impossible, to get), but while it shouldn't bear repeating... I would in any event. One better, in the unlikely event that you might have to sue at some point... is to email them.

I would personally suggest a vacation. That in absolutely no way whatsoever for 2 weeks do you want to have any contact with your inlaws. Hubby can, but as for you and your child, a 2 week complete and total break... and if any guilt tripping happens (by hubby) that you'll take an ACTUAL vacation.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

Okay-this is a touchy situation.

Your MIL MIGHT BE trying to feel needed and wanted. Older women tend to do this when they have nothing to occupy their time.

I would suggest that your MIL COME to therapy sessions with you so that SHE CAN GET HELP! You NEED to learn how to communicate with her.

You stated upfront you don't like her. Really?! Why? She gave you your husband whom you love and have children with. She made him who is today and you don't like her? What does that say about you and your husband?

Yes, she is not handling the situation well, not then again - neither are you. Think about how you talk to her, interact with her.

Your husband MUST step up - an e-mail, in MY OPINION, is pathetic. Make a list of the problems you are having with her and your concerns. Ask her to come to the therapist with you. Get these issues out on the table and get them resolved. Learn how to get along with her.

It is entirely possible you are forcing her to act this way to you. Yep, it happens. You may be saying things just a tad bit mean or too controlling - YES! these are safety issues. However, how you react to them can be a direct result. Remember, how you talk to someone - address a situation - will either cause the other party to react nicely or not. Cause and effect. When she allows your son to jump on swivel chairs DO NOT run to him and pull him off - say "Mom (or whatever you call her) for ME this is a SAFETY issue and we do NOT allow him to climb on chairs at home. You can spoil him to your hearts content - but safety is the #1 factor - please do not allow him to climb on furniture.

Your husband has to tell her to STOP doing things for him. It is no longer her responsibility. However much he appreciates it - he is a grown man now and she must stop.

You are also giving her a LOT of power over you. You are ALLOWING her to interfere with YOUR life. Treat her the way you want to be treated. you get more with honey than you do vinegar.

You stated you got along before you had kids, now you don't like her? What changed? WHY?

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J.R.

answers from Glens Falls on

It is usually difficult to adjust to your spouse or SO's family, I think that is true for almost everyone as every family is a little bit different. Many years ago, it was common that we married someone who was local and both sets of grandparents were nearby. Not so much anymore and I think it can be very difficult for those couples that end up settling down near one spouse's family and not the other spouse's family. My daughter lives on the other side of the country near her spouse's parents. I am so envious of them, yet at the same time, I'm happy that she has family near her so loving help and support is nearby. When she was single, I always worried about her support system being so far away so now I encourage her to be a part of that family. My DIL has always lived near us...and quite far from her own family. She has done a wonderful job of keeping up a committed schedule of seeing her parents, making sure her kids have a relationship with them and becoming a part of her spouse's family as well. My point is that life has settled you by his parents and it is to everyone's benefit and truly a part of marriage that you make your spouse's parents part of your extended family. As long as they aren't dysfunctional or abusive, your day to day life and your kids and spouse will be happiest if this can work out.

That reality said, seeing them every day for 4 days in a row is a lot. I would never expect that with the local ones. Of course, that happens with the out of towners, as we see them less frequently but not the locals. If your husband wants to hang out there that much, he should feel free to go on his own sometimes. And really even once a week, unless they are providing day care for you, or live very, very close so it's not an intensive visit but more of a drop in, is substantial. If your son is comfortable with them and enjoys his grandparents, I would not mind an overnight, though. I think you and your spouse should hammer out the frequency and intensity that works for both of you. And even though your MIL contacting your therapist was inappropriate, it sounds like she would like to improve her relationship with you and it might not be a bad idea to have a therapist help with that, although I definitely think you and your spouse should work things out between you first, there shouldn't be any ganging up on you, just so long as you are open to becoming a part of his family. Think of how you want your extended family relationships to be ten years from now. Hopefully, they will be casual, relaxed loving relationships for all.

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L.B.

answers from Dallas on

I feel your pain! I have in-law issues as well. My kids used to sleep over every other weekend until I put my foot down. My husband was as much to blame though bc he just wanted a break, but when it got to the point that I felt we had shared custody and had to work around them I stopped it. It's been really hard for us to find a balance - but my husband FINALLY after 10 years "gets it!"

But... to contact your therapist? What the heck did she, or her obviously not very bright friend think they were going to accomplish? You have a confidentialty agreement, and your therapist isn't going to share your personal sessions with her!

Sorry to tell you this though - In order to gain respect, your husband needs to stand up to her. He had no business giving her that info to start. Keeping distance with my in-laws has strengthed our relationship.

Good Luck!!

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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

As crazy as she drives you, and as much as you do not like her, in dealing with her you must always remember that she is your hubby's mother, and he loves her. You must handle her how you would want your own mother handled. See it from his point of view.

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P.W.

answers from Dallas on

I feel for you I went through that and my dh always took her side and would say just ignore it wellI I didnt grow up with someone always haveing it their way so one years at Thankgiving we went to therir hour an she started in on me so I pick up my stuff and said I was going home and told my dh if he wanted to go he better come on they all thought I was joking but got in my car and my dh came with me not saying a word I told him if he had anything to say do it now or not at all his words to me was I am glad you finally stood up for yourself he never would Now him mom never liked me and the feeling was mutual but when she was sick with Alzhimer it was me she always wanted to call to help her. Just stand your ground and if your dh gives you to much trouble let him move in with them. Good Luck

L.M.

answers from Dover on

The way she went about it may have been wrong but it may be a good thing to have your MIL talk to your therapist. Maybe that can help your relationship and help her learn some boundaries.

When she says to "let her be a grandmother", tell her that you are fine with her being "grandmom" and spoiling him but not with her letting his safety be at risk. When she can respect your role as mom and honor your boundaries then you will be more willing to let her be a more involved grandmother.

S.G.

answers from Oklahoma City on

y does mil even KNOW that you and husband are going to a therapist? that is NONE of her buisness...i used to LOVE my mil....until the i do's were said. however, THANK GOD my dh and i are on the same page where she is concerned, i would be FURIOUS if my dh told my mil who we were going to see and the number or what ever info he gave her.

here's how i solved the problem between my mil and i, we quit visiting unless it's an absolute MUST or a very QUICK visit (no more than 30 min at a time) and HE answer's calls to his mom, not me, but we also have seperate cells (no home phone-when we had a home phone i quit answering her calls after a specific comment was made about my literally dying aunt-not directly to her but to me) and she only calls him, and fil and mil visits with us are no more than 5-10 min, they take care of the buisness they came to do at our house and out the door...i have no complaints about that. thanksgiving we spent at my uncles house (spouse of my aunt who had a brutal death) and christmas we're staying home and SOME friends and family r coming over...i happy :)

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C.B.

answers from Dallas on

Well, I think you guys need to move away from the in-laws and get some breathing room!
I think it is really hard for a parent to watch their children grow up and think of them as a capable adult when it seems like they were just changing their diapers! and when you live that close to family it is a lot easier to go running home to mom rather than deal with your own family on your own.
She shouldn't be talking to your therapist- and if you therapist said anything to her- get a new one. They shouldn't be talking to anyone about their clients and your mil should have been told that.
As for her letting your son do stuff you don't agree with- you need to start training your son. If you are over at grandma's house and he is standing on a swivel chair- remove him and explain to him that we don't stand on swivel chairs. If mil objects or says it's okay with her- politely tell her that it's one of your rules- not standing on chairs, anywhere.
As for the sleeping over- compromise. Have your son go spend a day and night at grandma's once a month. Maybe every 3rd Saturday or something. And when asked why not more often, let her know that when he gets a little older he can spend the night more often, but this is what you and your husband are comfortable with at his age.
To me, it doesn't' seem like there is any one big issue with mil- just a lot(a ton)of little things that are driving you nuts! Talk with your husband- set your rules, and be firm. Next time you have family get together time make sure you let hubbie know up front that you will need a break. Have him take his parents out to spend time with them, or he can stay at home and talk while you take your son to the park for a couple of hours. Or, if you are comfortable with it- have your in-laws babysit and you and your husband go out on a date and enjoy each other!
If you start to teach your child that the rules at your house apply to any house he goes to- it will get easier when grandma say he can do something he knows he's not supposed to. My kids are great with this. One example is I don't like my kids drinking caffeine. Their dad does and that is fine, but I don't and I don't want my kids all hyper. When they go over to a friend's house or a cousin's house- usually there is caffeine available(coke, Dr.Pepper etc) but my kids will decline the caffeinated drinks and ask for water instead- because they know my rule.
This won't happen with a two year old- offer him soda and he will take it- but if you start teaching him now, he will be able to stand up for himself when he is older and say"sorry, I'm not allowed to do that".
Anyway, take a break from mil- don't let her stress you out so much. I don't think she is purposely trying to annoy you- some people just think they know what is best for everyone. Just smile, thank her politely and do what you and your husband have agreed upon.
good luck!
~C.

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