Mil - West Bend, WI

I would agree with H. L. It is not acceptable for your husband and daughter to go to Grandma's without you. By doing that your husband is saying he doesn't agree with you and the two of you need to be united in this. Grandma is wrong by parenting your child and she should know that.

If your husband stops bring your daughter over Grandma will soon decide what is more important to her. Being the boss or being with your granddaughter. When she does want to be in your life make sure she understands your rules and it may be that your husband will have to step up and be the one to explain this to her.

Good luck. I have a FIL that pretends to parent even though he didn't parent his own.

That is a tough situation to be in, but unlike the others that commented, I disagree with the letter idea. I think the best way to solve matters is a face-to-face talk. Nothing makes a better bond than 2 women crying it out together. Plan ahead. I'd get ahold of her, even at a family event when others are around so she can't make a scene, and let her know that you are concerned about your relationship and you would like the opportunity to get her feedback on the situation at a later date.It seems obvious that she is behaving like a child and she wants control, so make her feel like she has it. Keep things cool and calm, let her talk and make sure you behave like the adult.I'd have many thoughtout conversations in my head prior to meeting with her. Choose your words carfully and use alot of "I" or "Me" statements, then she won't feel like you're pointing fingers or blaming. But, in that meeting, you should also define both of your roles as parent/grandparent. I did this with my mother right away when I was pregnant with my first. Outline that you don't need her to delve out punishment. She needs to understand that she was already a parent and her kids are adults and grown up. Now, it's my turn to be a parent. Hope this helps.

You need to sit down with your husband and have a talk with him, he should be going to his mother and explaining that you are his wife and the mother of his child and she needs to respect that and also realize that you are family, if she likes it or no. What kind of roll model is she being to her grand child by not talking about the problem and ignoring you, even young children can sense that tenson. Your husband should be the one having the talk with her, because like or not he is stuck in the middle of it and he loves you both very much and wouldn't want to see either of you hurting.
No matter what if you do start talking to your MIL, you should not have her watch the child anymore on a daily basis.

My mother has always been that way. The only thing I could possibly do to help that situation is to keep her away from my children. This may not be what you are looking to do, but it works for us. Grandma even tried bypassing us and coming to my daughter's school to see her during classtime. With the help of the school staff we QUICKLY put a stop to that! It's definately a sign of a WAY TOO CONTROLLING parent. Please let me know what happens. It's sad that someone else goes through the same thing, but at least now I know I'm not alone.

J.

H....

i to have had many apon many run ins with me mother in law. it is very trying at times..and it is difficult due to the fact that she was your husbands family before you were. my husband to tries to take the side road and says just ignor it...or move on...but it gets to be where you can't hold it in any longer. i think it is important for you and your child to have a separate life outside of your mil. having her take care of your child will not only bring stress on you, but on your marrige as well. it is so hard to see these ladies that get along with there mother in laws so well and you can't understand why you can't. well, i am here to say it is not always you. they do take part. it is a two way road. just like any other relationship. my mother in law has stated more then once she did not want me in her life...and my husband finally after 5 years said you know what...if you don't want A. then you can't have us. it gets so frustrating when you have no one in your corner. i have asked him time and time again to talk to his mom..and he would let it go in one ear and out the other.
make it a point to finally explain to her how you feel. it took me a long time to finally say something to her. and when i did things did change. and at points they did go back and forth but now we are open about how me feel. my biggest fear is her having not only control over my husband but my kids..and hers is losing her son and her grandkids. once you find out what each other want and need it gets easier. i know right now it seems rough..but it will get better...probly never great but better. just stand to how you feel and don't give up on that fo her..their has to be compermize on both ends..not just yours all the time. i have had issues in that past where my mil would tell the family un-true things about me..so they would side with her. always leaving me out on the lawn to fend for myself. just know that your husband and your child are there for you and no one can take that away. i hope this helped in one way or another. i am here if you want to talk or swap stories.
-A.

You have got to stand up for yourself. Who cares how old she is, she is acting like she is two. You need to remember that you are in control, not her. It is your child and remind her of that. If I were you, I would stop being a part of family visits with her. Tell your husband until he stands up for you and stands up to his mother, you want nothing to do with her. And if she wants to see her grandchild, she will disicpline her your way or not see her. She had a chance to raise children, now it is your turn. You are letting her be a bully.
BE STRONG!
D.

hi H..
i have a mother in law like this and a mother lol .. i just dont listen to them .. i agree with your hubby ... as for her not wanting to talk to you .. maybe drop here a card inthe mail and tell her your feelings . p.s. west bend is a great city i live here and my husband and i love it .. lots of parks for you to take your kids too .

becca

Hi H., sorry to hear about you're situation. MIL's can be tricky huh? It's hard to give much advice when I don't know you or her (or what happened) But I can say honesty is always the best policy. You absolutly should say something about her interupting your parenting. Thats YOUR daughter! It's hard to say what's on your mind, but in the long run you will benefit from it. I'm sure she want's what is best for your daughter too, she might not even realize she's "taking over". Or she might think she's really helping and has no idea it's bothering you. Since you already had a falling out obviously there's tension. I've always been a fan of writing letters. It's a good way to get things out without getting too emotional. Also gives her time to think about what you have to say. ( if you do write a letter, make sure to have a friend read it first to make sure it doesn't sound harsh or hurtful)

It almost feels like she has what she wants now...her grandaughter and her husband all to herself....

This is exactly what she wants. Put your husband in your shoes with your parents. He needs to be firm and not see grandma with your daughter until you are with them. Maybe a good option would be to show up with them and have a conversation at that time, if she won't allow it, then leave and say you and your daughter won't be coming back until she is ready to talk and settle things. YOu will have to be very strong about this. But right now, your husband and you are enabling her by letting her avoid it. Not to mention how it is affecting your daughter. make sure your husband understands this and ask him to trust your instint on this.

I have the same problems with both my MIL & FIL they can't let go of controlling thier son, who is 33! I have written many emails to them and rejecting all 'this is how it should be done' statements very bluntly and still they don't get it. Just the other day they are telling my husband what jobs he should take or not take, and they said home marriage therapy materials. are you kidding me! So my boy and I are very limited on how much we see them. It usually is a family affair so we are not one on one. If they do good for awhile, then we will make a special visit to them. But to make you feel better, my husband doesn't fully see it. He thinks I am being mean by restricting their access to us. He is slowly seeing the controlling factor. Why can't parents just realize their job is done after children reach 18 or especially when they marry and have their family? Good news is, I know what not to do when my children have a family.

I hope you can get your husband to work with you. I truely feel your pain and frustration. don't let MIL do this to you anymore. you need to be your husbands priority before her.

I bet you will get LOTS of responses on this one! I have had my share of problems with my MIL. Here is my advice on how to 'repair' the relationship...I'd ask her (in a letter, on the phone or face to face) to go out for coffee, lunch, etc. If she refuses, write a letter and tell her exactly what your view of the problem is/was. Try to use 'I' statements telling her how you felt/feel. She needs to know. Just because she is your husband's mother does not give her the right to mistreat you.
I think if you do your best to 'repair' things, you will feel better even if she is unwilling. If she is avoiding the subject, she knows she screwed up!
Good Luck!

I am so sorry that your going through this, it sounds like a really tough situation and I hope it works out for you. My only advice would be that your husband needs to get on board with you and talk to his mom. She needs to understand that while she is Grandma..YOU are Mom. She had the chance to raise her kids, now its yours and your husband's turn.

I went through the same thing with my mother when my daughter was young. She still has the occasional slip up, but I wrote her a letter explaining that though I love her and value her opinion, Caitlyn is my daughter and I am the one responsible for raising her. I let her know I welcomed her advice but when it came to parenting that was my job. I told her that it was important to me she did not interfere when I was disciplining her, or if she was being punished. It was hard for her to not go pick up a crying child, or to make her stay on time out (which ACTUALLY worked for her...) and she was mad at me for a little while, but as she thought about it she understood, and told me she had the same problem with Grandma when I was a baby.

I read your "what happened" and had to edit what I said.

Your husband and child going over there without you is unacceptable, your husband is allowing your mother to shut you out of her life. That cannot happen, the two of you are married, have a child and though young that child is not stupid. She knows something is wrong. I would put my foot down and tell him it is not ok for him to bring her to grandmas. She will get even more mad, but you cannot be shut out of your family. She will eventually come around.

I would definately say that your husband should get involved in supporting you and "confronting" your MIL if he hasn't already. He'll always be her little baby and will be much more willing to put down her pride if He calls her out to face things instead of snubbing htem.
I'm not sure if this is the case with you, but I had a grandmotherly figure (who wasn't really realted to us) involved when my daughter was younger that I had to pull away from because I felt she was getting too free with her advice, but I realized she felt at such liberty because I had in the beginning , when my daughter was an infant, asked her advice on many things and she grew comfortable giving me her opinion thereafter on nearly everything. This may not be the case with you, of course, but I realized when I confronted her on it, I had to own how I had shifted her into the position she was in.
I thank God that I don't live too close to my real MIL because I know there would be many little confrontations going on.
Good luck on the move!

Hi H.,
I feel for you. I have a MIL that is pushy too. Stand your ground. You are the Mom and she isn't.She will learn that when you are around, you are the boss. Don't sweat it, she will eventually come around when she wants to see your daughter.

Good Luck!
J. N

H.-

I would ask her out to lunch, just the 2 of you & tell her exactly what you've told us but in a nice way. Tell her you're very grateful that your daughter has got to hang out with Grandma for 2yrs but she needs to let YOU be the parent.
Good luck!

P.

H., I SO know what you are saying! My MIL basically raised my stepdaughters to the point that when my hubby and his ex got divorced, the girls wanted to live with Gradma! So when I had my 1st, she tried to take over. I talked it over with my hubby and he understood where I was coming from and talked to his mom. She backed off a litle. When she started up again, she did something that really made me angry and I blew up!! We had words and she didn't speak to me for a while. When things calmed down and she came over to watch the kids again, I left her a detailed list of what was to be done and what time it was to be done. After a few days of that she got the hint and things got better. At this point, I have been a SAHM for a year so she doesn't need to watch them as much, maybe once a month and it is only for a short time so I don't worry about it.

Try to explain to her that you appreciate her help, but that this is your child and you make the rules and she needs to follow your wishes.

Hi H....
My former mil was very intrusive with my first two kids, going so far as to 'breastfeed' my second son when I left him with her to go to the fair! Yes, you read it right, TWICE. The way I handled it was to do two things. One, with something like that which was downright insulting, I wrote her a letter that told her that I depend on her for advice, I love her (I really did and still do!), and respect her, but that these were my kids, my choices, my mistakes to make. Now, my former mil's temperment allowed me to get away with this. She'd of never turned her head when I came into a room. So you're dealing wih a different kind of woman than I did. The second thing I did was accepted her as she is (it's how I am dealing with my two new mil's - hubby's mom and stepmom, they're crazy women, I think being married to his dad did them in)and deal with her accordingly. I learned that some things were how she is, how the new ones are, and avoid conflict as much as possible. It means biting my tongue at times, like when my new mil told me my kids would go to hell because they weren't baptized while my religion doesn't believe sprinkling water on your head allows you to do whatever you want for the rest of your life and still guarantee heaven!! I eventually said something to her. But I just try to play nice, keep the discussion superficial, pick my battles. Your husband should not be taking your daughter over and just letting it go if it's important to you. in your case, I wouldn't be able to deal well with a woman snubbing me and possibly inciting me with words, I would write a letter and pass it to a friend to proofread (not husband) to be sure I am not going off. Ask for a truce. Then, the big thing, don't look to her to babysit or help you out. Sometimes, when we lean on people, they assume too much control. The kids are confused by it, we get frustrated by it, and it ruins what COULD be a great relationship. My former mil and I are still friends, still hug, still keep in contact, and still say "I love you" on a regular basis, but it didn't start that way! It took me looking inside and her stepping back when I asked nicely.

Best of luck!

Love your family adn raise your kids and if she wants to be part of it great, if not then count then she is missing out.

Tell her why you're upset and what kind of outcome you would like to see. If she can't or won't change her behavior then maybe it's for the best that you don't have anything to do with her. It will be her loss.

You need to tell your husband that his telling you to "ignore it" is not ok. While she may be his mother, he married YOU. You and your daughter are his family now. His loyalty and support needs to be behind you 100% and he needs to be reminded of that.

Hi H.,

Wish I had some advice. I'm in the same boat. Funny, I was going to send an email myself asking for advice. I know their are alot in our situation, so i was looking more for others i could unload on. My MIL is great with the kids, but she doesn't alway's respect my decisions. She is 68 and my husband tells me also that "she is an old lady and won't change".He say's "she's just trying to help". Also, he say's "well she did raise 4 kids". I begin to point out that 2 of his siblings dropped out of school in the 8th grade, smokes dope and one was pregnant at 16". Hmmm, she's done a supper job. He got it. There is a difference with "just trying to help and you should do it my way". After my my son was born she bought a magnet that say's "Grandmothers are mothers with experience". When i was pregnant with my second child, I said "this one is mine". Meaning my MIL will not take over. After she gave me some "Advice" i told her, I appreciate the advice, but i'm doing it MY way. So now apparently i'm going through the "change of life" and my hormones are out of control. LOL. Hang in there and if you ever need to unload, email me.
CT

my sis has the same problem. but her husband was the other way around. he told his mom if she cant agree or talk to my sis. that he will no longer come over either with the kids. for holidays or anything, and actully that surprised us all. ill tell you it took his mom about 1 month and she talked to my sis. and now they got a loving understanding relationship when it comes to the kids or house cleaning etcc... his mom baiscally stepped out as being mom to grandma. my thinking is parents of parents just seem to forget that there not the parents anymore there grandparents. good luck

i don't really have advise except, i have had a bad or stressed relationship with mine also, i will be married for 9 years in Oct. i had to learn that sometimes we can't fix it...sometimes we can only wait on God, and have faith.
i will pray for you and your family.M. v.

Write her a letter, she can't interrupt you then. Start out with something positive about her and then bring up your problems with her.

Sounds like she is trying to be mom all over again and not Grandma.

Maybe may yourselves not readily available with Grandma so they're visits are less frequent.