Suggestions on How to Deal with Mother-in-law's Comments

Updated on January 18, 2009
L.B. asks from East Baldwin, ME
22 answers

This is my first time asking for suggestions, but I figured this was the right place to come. Basically I am looking for a way to talk to my mother-in-law with out her getting offended. Whenever we, my husband and I, bring something up, (for instance the last big blow out was about my want for them to not kiss my kids on the lips, I feel there is no need for that, their cheeks are perfectly fine! And it's not like I am singling them out, I feel that way about everyone, but they are the only one's who do it), I am always the "bad guy". I am a very out spoken person, especially about my children, they are my world. I need to ask her to not say things like "Oh my goodness, you weigh a ton!" and "You're such a big girl!" To my 3, almost 4 year old girl. She is by no means a large child, she is in the 50th percentile just about all around on the charts. She is a little princess and already asks "Mama, do I look beautiful" and "Am I still pretty", she is very smart and catches onto everything that we say. I don't need a 4 year old with image and body issues. My daughter's cousin is a little peanut, he's about 15th percentile on the charts, weighs barely anything. He currently lives with my in-laws. I know that my mother-in-law is just used to how light the boy is when she picks him up and such, but then to say that my daughter weighs a ton? She also made a comment about the size clothes she's in, when I told her (she was asking for Christmas present sizes) somethings she can still fit into 3T, but lately she's been in 4T, she's like "No way!, she must be in 5T or 4 kids by now!" I just kind of looked at her funny and said "No, she is not, she fits into some 3T's still" (I pulled out the tag on the shirt she was wearing and showed her). It's just frustrating, I feel like I should be able to protect my kids in any way possible, and I am sick of being the "insensitive" person because I have beliefs that may be different from others. When it comes down to it, they are my kids, and I say what goes. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!

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M.B.

answers from Boston on

Honestly i feel like you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. i have made comments like that to myself. no meaning behind it but she is getting bigger. im not big on kissing on lips but my nephew who is 4 kisses me on the lips. its a quick kiss. if i can i will kiss him on the cheeck but i noticed by brother kisses him and my daughter that way. not really my thing but it is not worth blowing up about i just feel unless she is realy making comments or the kids fee uncomfortabl with the kiss. i would just it go.

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K.F.

answers from New London on

Actually, I wouldn't say your being "insensitive" at all. They are your children, not hers. I would say, however, that you might be a little "sensitive" to her words. YOUR interpretation is weighing a "ton" has negative connotations. Your 4-year-old probably hears it as a compliment, if she has any feelings about it at all. (My 4yo loves hearing how "big" she is right now.) My husband's family also kisses on the lips (even my husband and his elderly father). They always have. I had to choose not to pick the battle.

The bigger picture thing, though, is that you are probably picking what might be viewed as smaller battles because you are feeling JUDGED by them, or that they are judging your child. That's the issue to address, not all the little things. Then they see you nit-picking when its the bigger picture issue that is the real problem. Do they not have faith in your parenting? Maybe they don't mean it, but that is how it FEELS.

My best friend has the same situation and has learned to (a) realize that she will likely NEVER change and therefore (b) choose to raise her daughter to be strong and (c) not take personally what someone says who clearly judges everyone due to her own insecurities.

You're clearly a wonderful parent, so pick your battles and have pity on her!

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D.P.

answers from Boston on

Hi L.,
Wow, this is a conundrum. Of course they're your kids and your rules are THE rules. On the other hand, your in-laws are also their grandparents and cultivating a healthy relationship with them is crucial for your kids and your whole larger family unit. So, I recommend approaching your in-laws calmly, respectfully, diplomatically, with a good sense of humor about your worries, and with full and reasonable explanations of why you wish them to behave in certain ways. And I think it'd be most effective if you and your husband approach them together. I can imagine saying something like "Mom and Dad, we're thrilled you show lots of affection towards the kids by giving them lots of hugs, kissing them on the cheek, telling them you love them, listening to their sometimes hard-to-follow stories, giving them special treats... You may think we're worry wart germophobes, and maybe we are, but we don't kiss our children on the lips, nor do we allow anyone else to do so."

My brother was on the other end of a situation like this and his sister-in-law and brother-in-law took a not-so-diplomatic approach to telling him how not to interact with their children. The situation escalated, relationships were permanently damaged and the people who have ultimately suffered the most are the kids.
Best of luck!

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L.L.

answers from Boston on

Hi L.-

I think so many of us have been in your shoes, but you really do have to choose your battles- with your children and your inlaws (LOL!!!).

I think saying "you're so big" or "so heavy" is really just a reaction to your mil noticing how your kids are growing- I say it to my 19 mo. old all the time (who is also in the 50th percentile) and don't think anything of it... I would say if she were really large, and in school and it was a sensitive situation it might be a different story...

I do know how you feel though- my MIL is a GREAT lady- very, very generous, well- meaning and sweet, BUT she has rubbed me the wrong way more times than I can count ever since my daughter was born 20 mo. ago... she has very specific ways of thinking/doing things that are not the same way I do things. I'm learning to let some things go and realizing she doesn't mean them the way I'm taking them and if other things seem to be repetitive or are really bothering me I bring it up w/ my husband and feel it is his place to say something- I think things come across less harshly if your hubby brings it up b/c they have a longer standing relationship...

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H.Z.

answers from Boston on

L.,

I totally understand what you are going through. I am in the same position. My only advice would be to try and distance yourself as much as possible for your own well being and the health of your children. Your husband does need to support you in this otherwise it might cause problems in your marriage.

Our relationship with my m-i-l is such a roller coaster ride that I have come to a point that I just want off, and my husband completely understands (he wants off too.)

I wish you luck and strength!

H. Z. (SAHM 5, 4 and 18 month old boys)

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D.F.

answers from Boston on

HI L.,

I am like you, I speak up for myself and children. I found there is no other way to talk to my mother inlaw other than being honest and never show fear!!! They can smell it! No really I wouldn't want ANYONE kissing my little ones on the lips either (they are older now). She should not be saying that to your little daughter at all, I don't know why she would think its ok. Sounds like she is outspoken also, so I would ask her to please to stop saying things like that. If her feelings get hurt, put it this way.......how would she like to be told she weighs a ton or your such a big women! My bet she wouldn't. Good luck!

D.

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M.G.

answers from Boston on

I'm wondering what your husband is saying to his mother about this. You didn't mention that. It seems as though this is a matter for him to deal with directly with his parents.

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T.B.

answers from Boston on

Mothers in law and mothers can be very, very frustrating at times. My parents drive me crazy and I've actually left their house when I felt my father said something inappropriate in front of my children - I think he said that something one of the kids did was stupid but I can't remember for sure. When I cooled off, I realized a few things - first is that it is their house (not mine). Also, the relationship my kids have with their grandparents is more important to me than a word like stupid. When they see me respond negatively, they begin to see their grandparents more negatively and I don't want that. So, I'm learning to chose my battles more wisely - it's still tough, but I'm trying to figure it out as I go. One last thought: some day you may be a mother-in-law, too and your daughter-in-law will have her own thoughts on raising her kids. How would you like to be treated by her? Putting your future self in your m-i-l shoe's may help guide you a little more. Good luck!

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L.M.

answers from Boston on

L.,

My MIL was saying, what I felt was very negative comments about our daughter. I had a conversation with my husband about it and without me knowing it he spoke to them. Things have been better although we have only seen them once since the talking. Time will tell if they really change or not.
What I said to my husband which was passed onto his parents was that - 'we are trying to bring our daughter up in a very positive atmosphere. Everything said to her, around her or about her to be positive. We would appreciate if they could be positive too.'
Basically I was saying if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. I wanted them to make what ever the comment is to be positive and I do plan to call them on it if they become negative.

Good luck,
L. M

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M.H.

answers from Hartford on

I can understand the weight issue concern, but honestly, at that age, it's probably harmless.

As to the lips: I come from a "lip kissing" family, so I really don't see it as a big deal.

However, if it bothers YOU, I'd have your husband step in. These are HIS parents, and thus, it is HIS job to set boundries with them that you BOTH are comfortable with!

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C.G.

answers from Hartford on

You know what....the bottom line is that the kids are YOURS...and noone elses. So if somebody says something offensive you should not in anyway feel bad by sticking up for them. If someone says or does something inappropriate then you say what you feel. There is no reason to sugar coat anything...If your mother-in-law says something rude or offensive about your child then you just need to flat out tell her. Especially about the "size" of your daughter. Kids catch on real quick these days and little girls are much more self-conscious so if your mom-in-law says something you don't like you really just have to say something right then and there and let her know that you don't appreciate it and would prefer her NOT to say those things anymore....Flat out. She will rebound just fine from it and say something else annoying I am sure.
About the kissing on the lips thing...when I was little, I come from a big Italian family, the same thing happened to my mom. My aunts and stuff would kiss us on the lips and my mom really did not want them too caus we were little, people are germy, and she was just uncomfortable with it. So one day she just blew up and said "I asked you NOT to kiss on the lips, Please do not do that again"...well Italians are hasty so I guess it sparked this big battle and my mom was kind of the outcast after that but she just stayed home when my dad went to parties and stuff...of course my dad did not stick up for her back then so it was a big to do...You know what...They are all over it and they absolutely love my mom. So there just comes a point when you have to say "F it" and tell people if they are offending you or making you uncomfortable..PERIOD...so anyway I am rambling. Oh well if you are the bad guy for a bit. These are YOUR children and YOUR responsibility, noone elses. You make the choices, nonone else.
Hope that helped. Just be strong!!!! F everyone else, this is your family!!!
If you are uncomfortable with that then just sit down with your mother-in-law and have a nice talk with her over coffee or something and let her know your issues. Or you could just have your husband say something. I mean the men really need to stand up at some point!!! My husband works full-time from home too!

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C.P.

answers from Boston on

I feel so bad for you. It must be so difficult to watch people who are supposed to love your daughter be so cruel. My daughter is the scrawniest thing ever and when we get in arguments or she's not getting her way, she'll start screaming that she's fat and ugly. I have no idea where she got that from because she's had people stop her on the street since she was born to tell her how amazingly beautiful she is and I tell her she needs to eat more all the time. My point is that you might not want to (and I'm not saying you are) jump to the conclusion that your MOL's comments are responsible for your daughter's questions about her image. But your MOL's actions are inexcusable none-the-less. I think your letter was very calm and logical; can you not just approach your MOL with the same argument? Or don't even call her out on it - what if you just explain that because your nephew is so much smaller, you're worried it might be giving your daughter self-image problems and perhaps everyone could make sure to watch their comments or try to boost her esteem?
What I found interesting is that you said you're sick of being the "insensitive" person, when you're not the one being insensitive here. Good luck - let us know how it turns out. I think it's really great that you're so concerned to not hurt her feelings when you don't think she's acting very concerned about anyone else's feelings.

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A.A.

answers from Hartford on

I just want to say I wish I had an answer for you but I don't. I totally know what you are going through though as I have a hard time dealing with my mother-in-law as well & it has been so bad at times that it would cause major problems in my marriage. Of course, the reason for all of this seems to be the opposite of yours- my mother-in-law is very absent from my children's lives & when we do on occasion see her she is very cold- she would never pick up the kids & kiss them- even on the cheek! She never calls to see how they are doing. She doesn't even buy the kids christmas or birthday presents because "she doesn't believe in that- that's not what the holidays are about". So, I guess it could be worse for you... :) Good Luck!

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J.S.

answers from Boston on

This is probably not what you want to hear, but I don't think your mother in law means any harm to you or your children in what she is saying and doing. Yes, she should respect your wishes for your children, but I honestly don't think she means harm when she remarks about your daughter's weight. Just that your daughter is growing up which means getting bigger. I do know what you mean about fear of creating weight issues so just tell her that.
But these are really not big issues. You should be thankful to have a loving and involved mother in law. It would be a shame to deny your children her love and attention. You may not like everything she says and does, but just understand that there are different ways to love a child. It is also good for your children to understand those different ways as well.
That's my two cents, like them or not.

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R.M.

answers from Boston on

Hi L.,I understand to problems w/m-in-law,just remember to hold a firm stand and be brunt w/her and let her know this is your family and you need to protect your kids and give them a positive input.Each child is diffrent and some are larger and some are small but as long as their healthy and your do what is told by your doctors for her to stay out of YOUR business. I only ONE thing in MY eyes are the parting of kissing on the lips.We all do it in MY family from new borns to our oldest member 72 and for my one grandson who's 11,he is the only one who does care NOT to be kiss on the lips unless I wear no smug lipstick which I've now used for the past 10years.Everyone has their own ways.Bottom line L.,their your kids and your rules that counts or else.Hopefully your husband backs you up and reminds his mom to let you be the mom to his and your kids.Good Luck,,,,,,,,,Rose ____@____.com

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J.H.

answers from Boston on

I don't really have advice, because I don't have a mother-in-law (she was deceased at 49 years old, before I met my husband). While I can understand your concerns, one person making comments occasionally will not create body-image issues. It's up to you to constantly reinforce healthy ideas anyway because kids are exposed to that stuff all the time.
My point is that I would give ANYTHING for my husband's mother to meet her granddaughter, even if just for five minutes, and I know my husband feels the same way. I KNOW that if I could bring her back, I would not care the slightest what she did with my daughter. Just remember to keep things in perspective, and please be thankful everyday that your children have healthy, active grandparents who can be a part of their lives.

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm not sure that your MIL's issue is with your daughter's weight per se. It sounds like she's exercising control since she has the other grandchild with her all the time, she's trying to control you and your kids. If it weren't the weight, it would be something else. It doesn't matter if the grandson is light as a feather or weighs 400 pounds - she STILL shouldn't be talking like that to ANY child. And you are right to worry about all children, but particularly girls in our culture, and body image worries.

I think your husband has to step in because it's his mother and you will always be the bad guy. Some of this may be because your HUSBAND isn't listening to her anymore, he's grown up and gotten a wife! HE needs to step up and say to his mother that she must stoop commenting on the daughter's size, weight, clothing, etc. And then say that he has instructed you (I know it's sexist but it's the only way SHE might take it in) to remove the child from her presence every time she does it. It's his job to protect his family and he will do it. It's not clear from your post whether MIL only does this in front of you, or if she does it in front of your husband too. If he isn't hearing it directly from her, then he needs to tell her that your daughter said Grandma says she's fat, that she is worried she isn't pretty, etc. He can say that he asked you, and you backed up your daughter, but this will make you look like the tattler. He needs to tell his mother that this is absolutely damaging to her psyche and that you all, including her pediatrician, want it stopped. He should ask his mother what she thinks she is accomplishing by telling the child this, what she hopes will happen, what she wants the child to do about it or think about it. Sometimes getting people to explain their actions shows them that they really can't express why it's such a hot idea. She'll probably say, "Oh it's no big deal." And he has to come right back at her and say, "So why are you doing it? What message are you trying to convey to my daughter?" And he needs to say he doesn't want his daughter around someone who talks like that - he wouldn't allow it in, say, her teacher, or later on in her boyfriend. He can also tell her about the lip kissing - that he thinks it's inappropriate or gross or whatever.

Another tack to take is when MIL says something ridiculous like "Oh no, she MUST be in size such & such" is to sit there quietly, with a quizzical look on your face, and absolutely NOT respond. I know, I know, it's tough! But opinionated people like her sometimes get a charge out of the argument. Just looking baffled and making her fill the silence can be interesting. You could then slowly ask, innocently, "Why would you think that I don't know what size clothes she wears?" You could also let the silence lie there for a few minutes, and then look at your watch and say "Oh my, look at the time, we really must go." And remove your daughter from the situation. Your MIL will argue but you have to say "No it's time for us to go." And it IS time, if your daughter is being hurt. Your husband can then tell his mother that you had a choice of putting her down for her cruelty, or removing your child from the situation, and you chose the more neutral way. You then must say to your daughter, in front of your MIL, "Don't worry honey. Sometimes Grandma says such silly things that she doesn't mean. You're just the perfect size, and the doctor and Daddy and I say so."

You can also teach your children to turn their cheeks when kisses are forthcoming, from anyone. Encourage affection with grandparents - good hugs are great. Encourage them to say "I love you". Encourage everything but the kissing on the lips. I wouldn't use the "germ" argument because the disease experts say that more colds and infections are transmitted by people's hands than by kissing - people sneeze into their hands, blow their noses, etc. In fact, they are telling people to sneeze into their elbows now - just bend the arm in front of the mouth - otherwise you shake hands or touch a doorknob, and the infection is on the move. The other big problem, of course, is insufficient handwashing after using the bathroom - they've done filming and germ testing even among hospital personnel, who should know better - we're just a rush-rush society and people don't take the time to really suds up their hands. Since your MIL is a controlling person, you might want to consider NOT going the "germ" route on the kissing - she'll tell you it doesn't cause colds, and she'll have a point. Just deal with it being inappropriate and you don't want your kids learning that it's okay if you feel it should only be done in romantic relationships or whatever it is that you both think.

Good luck with this - controlling people are hard to control, but your daughter's self-image is already being affected and you are right to step in. Try to choose your battles and not get in your MIL's face about other things right now if you want to have her focus on this big issue of weight/size.

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C.R.

answers from Boston on

I commend you for being perceptive about protecting your daughter. I am sensitive to similar things and sometimes wonder if I am too sensitive, yet I also feel like it is so important to protect my child from labeling and judgemental statements, even if they are will intentioned. I don't have any specific advice, only to let you know that you have a kindred spirit in this dilemma. Drives me nuts when my husband's family constantly says to my daughter, "good girl", "who's making all that noise?", etc. Just let her be who she is!!! Uggh. So anyway, not to rant back, but know there are others out there struggling in the same way.
I guess the best we can do is try to politely deflect the comments, model through our own behavior and hope that how WE talk to our children makes the long lasting impact. If you feel that the comments are actually having an effect on your daughter, which you mentioned, I think it is prudent to say to your MIL outright that you need her to be more sensitive about the comments she makes because you feel that your daughter is being adversely effected by them. I realize you want to respect the relationship with your husband's family and I'm sure the love your children very much, so use that to your advantage: "I know you would never intentionally want to do or say anything to hurt (your daughter) but I want you to know that after you made the comment about (weighing a ton, etc) she made comments to me that made me realize that her feelings were hurt by that..." something to that effect...
Anyway, sorry for the long post, I guess it struck a chord with me.
Take care.
C.

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C.H.

answers from Hartford on

After reading about your in-law dilemma I will tell you I experienced the same thing only with my own stron willed mother. I constantly asked her to not kiss on the mouth. Now my older daughter experiences the same cold sores (hep C) as she does. Tell your in-laws this story. Although cold sores are no big deal, even though they are irritating and infrequent they could have been avoided. Also mention that you are trying to teach your kids that whether family or friends we don't share drinks or kisses or put things in our mouths as this is a great way to spead germs and catch needless colds and you need there help.
On the topic of wieght and size my opinion is that this seems to be your issue not anyone else's. Could it be that you are sensitive about your weight or maybe you had a childhood experience. You can always rephrase the comment and say, "yes she's growing so tall and turning into quite a young girl. She's gonna be just like her mommy!" The statements that family make are not ever intended to be negative so I feel that you may be adding your own spin to the issue and you daughter/son will pick up on this. If you act like it's no big deal, I believe it won't be. My 2 girls are now 10 and 12 and are healthy and trim. We received the same comments that your experiencing. Never force feed your kids or make them eat what they don't like, rather always make something they are sure to appreciate even if you serve a dinner they don't particullary like. Make dessert a part of the meal. For example if your only hungry for a little dinner then you must only be hungry for a little dessert. Make it appropriate and don't make food a reward. You are gonna be okay MoM!

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S.N.

answers from Burlington on

You are right in all aspects. I would like to concur with the direct approach advised above, HOWEVER, I would also suggest that your husband (assuming he is around when this happens....) be the one to say something, especially about the lips kissing. UGH GROSS!
It's his mother, he should take initiative. Maybe he could even talk to her in private at some time and bring up these two major issues. Give her the benefit of the doubt and think maybe she isn't aware of what the impact of her comments are.....it's easy to be overly sensitive because you're automatically on the defensive. For good reason, but still. So that's my advice, have your husband give it a try and if that doesn't work tell her yourself point blank what your parameters are for her. And if she deliberately defies you, guess who can't spend much time with the grandkids anymore? (last choice but it is a possibility if it comes to your child's health and well-being.) Good luck!

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K.L.

answers from Boston on

My mil is totally the opposite of that (sometimes too underinvolved), but my mom always is forthcoming in lots and lots of advice; whether or not we want it! I would suggest having your husband address it. I firmly believe that its not my business to talk to any of my in-laws about issues I may have as its bound to cause rifts that don't need to be there. On the other hand, my husband does have the right and responsibility to address those issues. Good luck!

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R.S.

answers from New London on

Hi L., I totally agree. I just started telling everyone not to kiss lips, I tell my son to kiss on the cheek, nobody's had a problem but I know they think I am anal. I think you have every right to protect and censor what is told to your child. You are going to get some answers saying you should just be glad to have a MIL, that's what I got when I wrote about some in-law problems! My problem is that my FIL is over here every single day, and I like my space! I think we are entitled to the way we want things done in our own home and to the way our children are raised! Good luck!

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