Messy Visitation. . .Need Advice

Unfortunately you cannot make a man a good dad. He either is or isn't. By focusing your attention on this thought process of forcing him to be something he's not, you are wasting valuable time and energy that can be spent better on yourself and your son. You need to move on for both of you. This man fathered a child, he thus has a legal and monetary obligation to his son. Leave well enough alone, as maybe because of his true nature and character you do not want your son to learn from from him. He will either step up to the plate and if he doesn't, you and your son are probably much better off. Good luck to you and your little boy, he will be learn from your example of taking the higher road, being a good role model and focusing your time, energy and inspiration on him.

I would stop thinking of him as a father and start thinking of him as a relative. I have relatives that we went years without seeing and then we'd stay at their house for about a week. Or others that we visited for 1-2 weeks every Christmas. We enjoyed the visits and were fine with the fact that we didn't live together. The thing that you do need to insist on is SCHEDULED visits. He needs to call first to check that it is a good time for you and your son to have a visitor or for your son to stay at his house. Good luck!

I'm sure it's really frustrating for you and you worry about your son when he's away, but from the kid's perspective, you do NOT want to give the father that ultimatum and risk cutting him out of your son's life. You have to think about your SON's feelings and not your own (it's tough, I know...and it really isn't fair). My parents divorced when I was 5 and my dad wasn't great about showing up for visitations and when we DID get together, he didn't do fun stuff we wanted to do. But I still wanted to see him...I still wanted him in my life. I had to come to my OWN realization that it wasn't fun and I didn't like going. Same with my brother. If you tell the father he has to see him regularly or not at all, he may make the choice not to come see him at all, and then you have to explain to your son when he asks "Why doesn't dad come to see me anymore? Doesn't he love me?" You don't want to be the one to break his heart. If dad is going to poop out on visitations, let it be his own fault and let HIM explain to your son when he's older and wants to know why he left. Otherwise your son might resent you later.

Don't cut your son's father out of his life, even if it is 2 times a year. My mother cut my father out of my life and he died a year and a half later. I am 41, and I know I should get over it but, I still resent my mother a bit for that. I know it's hard for you, but suck it up for your son. Let them establish their own relationship, whatever that might be.

M.,

There's nothing wrong with getting a schedule set for visitation. You are not being psycho (unless of course you start screaming and throwing things whenever you see him) I think you need try talking to him or just go through mediation again. There should have been some type of visitation schedule the first time around, whether it is one overnight a month, every other weekend or whatever. If he's not abiding by it, he can have it stripped. Maybe if you just talk to him and say that we need something on more of a schedule, something more frequent and stable for our son, he might listen. If not, you definitely need to try mediation again. Its the best interest of your son, and for you, if it is done nice and tidy in court. You just need to be calm when you talk to him. If you go off on him every time you talk to him, he will just pull away more. The only person this is going to affect is your son. He is going to remember his mommy yelling at his dad, then whatever dad tells him for the week he has him. Your son needs the memory of his mommy treating his dad with respect, so when he is older, he knows his mom was the bigger person.

My sons father is not around either, he texts once in awhile to say he misses him and wants to see him. Never a call, never an attempt to schedule a meeting, never a penny, just a text to ease his conscience. I have filed child support, so far nothing. I don't talk ill about him in front of my son, and I have asked that my family doesn't either. He knows he has another dad, and he has his last name, but he doesn't ask why he doesn't see him anymore.

I think Dona M has some good advice here. Re-read it, digest it...I especially like the part of not talking bad about your ex around your son. And looking at your own anger & figuring out what that's all about. Make sure you do good things for yourself, self-care so that you are healthy & emotionally well to care for your son. Meditate, journal, exercise, get counseling...all good stuff. My best to you.

Hi M.,

First of all, I just want to say that I will try to be as nice as possible when replying to your message. I've been on both ends of the spectrum here. My ex didn't want to be a "dad" either until my husband now showed up in our lives... so I get that.

I've also been on the other end of the spectrum with my husband and his ex with their daughter and how hard we fought to get the little visitation we have because she withheld and still withholds his daughter from us.

I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but it seems if you do have an issue with him getting married so soon after the two of your split up (my husband's ex did the same thing and still has an issue with it 5 years later) and the lashing out at him is also what she does because of her jealousy... That's just how I see that.

Another thing is I don't know your visitation schedule. For instance, if he gets to see him every other weekend, once a month, etc... so it's hard to say.

Basically, what I am trying to say here is too many women "take" these children and hide them, brainwash them,etc. (I'm not saying you are), and it makes it difficult for men to have a relationship with their children.

My advice to you would be to give your ex a chance. I don't know the circumstances, but maybe there are reasons he can only come around twice a year. Perhaps you need to make it a little easier for him. I don't know the whole story, and I'm not picking sides here, I just hope that your son can have a GOOD, HEALTHY relationship with his dad. Put your feelings aside of what you think of him or his wife. Swallow your pride and give him a chance.

Good luck,
J.

It seems unreasonable to expect a child go away from all he knows for a week at a time with someone who is basically a stanger to him. You didn't mention how your child feels about this, if it is an adventure maybe it is ok,if he's scared maybe not so much so. Even when dad is not much kids need the connection, maybe if you can talk to his dad without getting upset you can find a way to make his visits good for your son and you.
Good luck and keep in mind that the only one in this to consider is your child, not you or his dad, or anyone else. Try to do what is best for the child.

While you were growing up was there someone in your life, whom you loved dearly, but only got to see every so often? I know I did. I loved my grandma like no-one else but only visited for a week once per year. But the bond was tight.

For your son, it may be the same way. Is it tough? yes. Is it ideal? no. The fact that your ex wants to see his son at all means that you should at least accommodate him. Eventually your son will be old enough to make his own decision on whether he wants to see his dad. Support him the best you can. GL!

I don't think your psycho at all. You are the controller and are in charge of how things go. I think you should set a precedence and if he can't follow it, then ce la vie. Great on getting child support but that doesn't mean that your on his schedule. You might want to make this a legal argument and keep things formal to avoid personal drama and what-ifs. This way, if he has an issue, he can take it up with the courts and you can wipe your hands clean.

So is there a reason he only sees him a few times a year? Does he live in another state or far away? If that is the case, it is probably very hard to see him often. He has a wife, a job, and financial obligations plus child support. You should be happy that he wants to be in his sons life. He is the FATHER, and you can't change that. You mentioned he didn't see him for the first 14 months of his life...how was your relationship with him? If you yell at him each time he comes to pick up his son, then shame on you. Your son shouldn't have to see you yell at each other. And that is why the father doesn't want to come around much, its not that he doesn't want to see his child, its that he doesn't want to deal with the child's mother. Fathers have rights too, and if he is paying child support then you have no right to stop the visitation, unless the father is a dangerous or bad person.

As a single mom I know where your coming from. I would say, you either commit to seeing him 1x a week, every SINGLE week or you don't get to see him at all. it will not do harm to your child if he doesn't see his "dad" becasue he's not seeing him anyway, I also don't know that I would let him take the child, supervised visitation is a great idea, no more ltting him stop by whenever and take him for a week. I m assuming you have sole custody, if he wants more time with his son then tell him he needs to start being a parent and be there every week. Good luck