HELP mommas...My husband and I have been married 13 years and have 2 beautiful dds. We are having some serious problems and I don't know what to do. I have a home daycare during the week and work on the weekends in a local ER, as well as take care of the house and kids. Months go by without a day off, even longer goes by without any "me" time. Last Dec-Jan '10 I found out that my husband was sexting a female co-worker, I confronted him on it, he swore that nothing physical ever happened...it was flirting that got out of hand. I thught I had gotten pasted it. Then lat summer I finally had enough of doing everything with nothing being enough for him....He works 3 12 hour days, then he would go fishing the other days. I told him I was tired of it needed help or I wanted a divorce. Well for a while things got better although I still work 7 days a week to his 3. While he was trying to make it work, I would vent to my female cousin about how tired I was of everything.
Fast forward to this Jan. I found out he was again sexting again, ths time an ex-girlfriend who had looked him up. He is blaming me for lying to him about my true feelings, telling him everything was fine when I was telling my cousin something else. Oh he had it set up on my laptop to record everything that I typed so he could go back and read it.
I just don't know how I am suppost to feel about him. I feel like he just walks all over me and he expects it to be ok with me.
Sorry its so long, but the history is important.
Yes, I need to work both jobs...and we are still not making it...enrollment is way down in the daycare...2 kids at this time...which of course is my fault according to him. Our youngest dd starts kndergarden in Sept. I was thinking of going back to school as well. As far as time for him...4 nights a week the kids are in bed by 730, after i have helped homework, fed, bathed them. He is on the computer or watching tv...no confersation(sp). He doesn't want to hear about what happened in the daycare that day...doesn't lke that I work in the ER (jealous of ths EMS portion of th job). Doesn't wanna talk about his day. If I do bring up something it some how always turns it into something its not, but always how I could do more or have done it better.
Honestly, it sounds like there isn't much left of the marriage. You are definitely at a fork in the road. You need to get marital counseling or a divorce. He was wrong on many levels.
There is more to his story. He is doing stuff that tells me there is more than "emotional affairs". He is spying on you and blaming you for his behavior. I don't think so. Did you tell him to hit on other women? No. If he is not happy then he should talk to you about it but his behavior is his choice. I don't agee with the other post here saying its your jobs not your husband. Sorry its your HUSBAND. The jobs might not help but they are not responsibile for his "cheating" he is. So now what?
Well...get into counseling. If he won't go, fine. Counseling will help you decide what you need to do. Do you need to work in the ER on the weekends? He is only working 36 hours? Why? Seem like he needs to find a different job where he works more hours and thus helping you not have to work as much. The point is, marriage is a partnership not slave labor. Good luck!
He's blaming you?? Uh-not good. Walking all over you-I'd say he crushed you. I would file for divorce-I can already pretty much surmise there has been adultry, constructive abandonment also comes to mind, and mental cruelty and irreconciable differences. Good luck-I wouldn't blame you for wanting to keep your family together-you have children to consider-but as they get older-you have to wonder what message you are sending them by your tolerance of his treatment towards you-they will marry a guy just like dear old dad.
I would first suggest a break for you. Take a day and do nothing for anyone else but you. Hair, nails etc... Then I would seek counseling. This is a difficult situation and really no one call tell you what to do but you. I would figure out all of my options and see which one is best for me and my family.
First, isn't it just like a sneak and liar to think the other person is also a sneak and liar and snoop through their computer records. That should tell you something there. Sounds like you need a day off. Also sounds like if you want to stay in your marriage you will BOTH need to go to counseling together. I really hope that works for you I don't think any of these problems are so severe that they can't be worked through (unless he made good on his "sexting" with another woman). Good luck and please take some time to yourself. A day off can do wonders.
I'm sorry your going through this - it Sucks and is Not fair! PLEASE Walk away now !!! You deserve SO MUCH better than him and how he treats and disrespects you! He's "spying" on you -CREEPY- and then Blaming you for things that is Clearly his fault :-( stand up now and show your 2 wonderful DD's that this is NOT how a marriage should be. RESPECT is Huge - Partnership, Team Work etc.
BE STRONG FOR YOUR GIRLS. LEAVE HIM
this sounds a little like my relationship with my ex, in that I felt I did everything and him nothing. It seems as though you both have checked out of the marriage already. take sometime and think really long and hard yourself about whether you are willing to do some hard work to save this marriage.
Then I would sit down with him and lay it out. Don't leave out anything. Tell him about how you feel and what you want. Then ask him his opinion. Listen and then make some mutual decisions about how you want to move forward. Take baby steps. Take time each week to do a "check in". Make sure you also take time for yourself. you need to be nurtured too! and good luck!
Wow I would not hop into divorce, I would urge marriage counseling. If he won't go--you go.
There's probably much more to this whole issue than anyone caqn explain in a brief post.
Sorry you're going through this. Find someone (professional) to talk to asap. It will help you sort through your feelings, options, etc.
Best of luck.
so your husband has had two emotional affairs, which are damaging the relationship. Also you have not made any time to have a relationship with him, because of your work schedule. so you both have things to work on. As a marriage therapist myself, I have to say counseling seems a necessary thing for the two of you to figure out what you both want from the relationship and how to get it. If he won't go, go by yourself, so you can figure out what you can do to change things from your perspective. I recommend The Divorce Remedy by Michelle Weiner-Davis, which has lots of helpful suggestions to do on your own or as a couple. I also recommend Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, which talks about emotional affairs.
this is a tough situation, but not impossible to change, if you both want to work on it. good luck.
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One word for both of you COUNSELING! If you are both committed to the marriage then get help and make it work or leave him. Sexting is not appropriate and is cheating period. Your work load is also adding to this. I think you both need to evaluate your work situation. If it is due to finances go and get some financial help or you need to move on and protect yourself and your kids.
You need to spend some 'us' time first! If he is wondering what youre typing, it only because he knows what HE is typing. Its usually when you know what youre getting away with you start to wonder what your partner is getting away with. Take a time out and have a heart to heart with him and see how you both are really feeling. You need to hear him out w/o interruption. You are constantly going and he may feel you dont pay him any attention.
Your problem is your jobs, not your husband.
You work all the time, you're always tired and overwhelmed, you never have any time off for yourself so I'm sure that means no time off for your husband. He has a marriage with a woman who has no time for him, of course he's starting to get a wondering eye. He NEEDS ATTENTION! He's a man, he needs a woman by his side.
For the sake of your children quit at least one job and plan a weekend "reconnect" getaway for you and your husband. You can't blame everything on him and give up this marriage. You made a vow to be with him in good times and bad until DEATH do you part. You aren't dead, you just need to make some dramatic changes in your life.
I highly recommend you read "The proper care and feeding of Husbands". I know its easier to just blame your husband for not helping enough, but it won't be easier in the long run when you have to deal with his new wife and visitation with your kids and all the garbage that comes with a divorce. Try changing first, for your kids sake.
By his spying on YOU while he was the guilty party... I think that shows he doesn't hold you in his highest regard anymore, and if you feel ready - move on. You are acting as a single Working Mom anyways and should be able to make do financially without him.
When ppl don't trust YOU, when you know you are not doing anything wrong - it's because they are the ones guilty of whatever they push onto you.
Sexting is cheating... online chatting in a sexual or emotionally close nature is cheating. He's cheated on you twice - completely up to you on if you want to work it out or leave him.
N., I want to you know that under NO circumstance are you to blame for your husband's behavior. Your jobs are not making him act in this way, he CHOOSES his actions. HE is to blame for his behavior. I can't stress that enough, especially when you are told that you are the problem in your marriage.
Denise is right, we can't advise much just from reading your post. You must go to counseling.
You take responsibility for your actions but DO NOT be bullied into taking responsibility for his bad choices.
