Am I Really That Naive?

To answer your question - no, it's not normal for men to hang out with friends every night after work or have affairs. But, I think you should step back a minute and reread your own post. Focus especially on this sentence:

"We both have feelings of resentment that one of us works more than the other one, which is probably not true, but I do feel my job is a lot more stressful than his."

Clearly, you think your job is harder, more stressful, etc., even though you're trying (unsuccessfully) to convince yourself that you both work equally hard. I'm currently in a situation that is the reverse of yours. I am the primary income earner for my family while my husband works part time (2.5 days a week) and manages our household the rest of the time. For me, it's stressful knowing that our home DEPENDS on my job and my income and sometimes I feel like that entitles me to more "fun" after work or on the weekends. Does this mean my husband doesn't also deserve some "fun"? No, of course not. Does this mean I have earned the right to completely disregard my family obligations (including my marriage vows)? Absolutely not!

Sounds to me like you both need a night off every once in a while when your work/family obligations are put to one side. How about you each pick an evening next month where he can hang out with his friends and you watch the kids and then vice versa. That doesn't mean you're giving him permission to do whatever he wants (i.e. have an affair - that's just crazy). But, it means he can go out, have fun, and not come home to an angry wife with a "honey-do" list a mile long.

When was the last time you took a vacation, just the two of you? Maybe that is in order sometime soon as well. You don't have to go far - maybe a weekend at the Gaylord Texan or Four Seasons - is all you need.

HI D.,
I dont think your naive, but it is NOT normal for husbands to not come home after work. As a stay at home mom of two girls (I also home school but just my 10th grader) my husband works 16 hours a day 6 days a week. He cant wait to come home and see us. Although I wouldnt blame him for wanting to not come home and deal with arguing kids, he loves us. As for your husband talking about extra matrial affairs.. If it were my husband I would ask him what that is all about. Im avery out spoken women and if my husband said anything like that I would tell him to go have an affair and NOT come back. Thats just me. My advice to you since I dont know you is to ask your husband why he says that. We as stay at home moms have the hardest job you could ever have and we dont get paid money for it, we get paid because we are blessed to have childern and a family to take care of and are able to stay at home. As for you not finishing school.. Go back to school, even if that means you do it at night. You need to have a back up plan incase something happens between you and your husband. Hope this helps dear. I also hope i dont make any other wives mad at my out spokeness.

An affair or talk/threats of such is not normal. A husband going out every night after work instead of coming home is a sign of a problem. A husband needing a night out occasionally is normal. Husbands and wives BOTH need personal time. My husband likes to go to the gym three times a week and ride his bike with a buddy on Saturday mornings. I like to do a MNO once a month or get a babysit so I can get my hair done. -- These things are normal.

If it comes up again, or if you are bold, I'd ask him to explain further. Both your jobs are important and stressful in their own ways. You are a partnership. One can't operate effectively without the other.

What?! Is he insane! First of all, one shouldn't be having an affair. That is what marriage is all about. Being one with each other. Is he going through a "midlife" crisis?? For him to EVEN mention that would send up red flags! Did he not support you in the beginning when you decided to stay home, look after thechildren, raise them ya'lls way?? what changed?? Materialism?? Love of money?? status?? living up with the Jones'?? does he not fully understand what you do all day?? (I homschool too) Maybe there needs to be some counciling or something first. Be on the same page together? Get all this out on the table with some good council. Maybe go to your church minister or great unbiased friends or something. DON"T except this behavior!! NO YOU ARE NOT NIEVE!!

I kinda get the impression that he is saying the type of man who is chivalrous is also a cheater....like the kind of men in the sixties....they help you with the door as they leer when you walk through it. I agree you may need counseling...but I also believe in talking about the truth. If this bothers you so much to ask advice about, than you should also talk to him about it. Tell him exactly what you feel. Who knows maybe he is just checking to see if you are listening and you care? The most important thing I think he needs to be reminded of is why you married him in the first place. And that the fact that you have kids and he is working should not change that. Yes, people cheat...but most likely the reasons they cheat is because they are harboring feelings and are incapable of talking it out, so they turn to others. My husband also works in tech and there are at least 3 couples at his job there who have split up because of cheating or wanting to be with other people. But again, their marriages where not "quite right" to begin with. We've been married for nearly 10 years (together for 12) and I can only count on my hands and toes the amount of times we have gone out and partied without each other...sure we don't go out like we used to, but it is important to have a night out. Maybe that means you meeting up with the him & his buddies after work? I have done that a number of occasions. And yes there are times I was bored, but my hubby did like having me around-I think it made him feel he was safe from they type of girl who would come up to him. But cheating can come from anywhere--not just work...one night, I had to do something and so I met some of his friends at our house, left and then met them back up at a club. One of the girls that arrived with our friend was new, never met her before. Well, by the time I got to the club, Roy ran up to me and told me that this girl that I had just spoken to a few hours ago had been asking the friend we knew if he was happy with me, because she thought he was hot and she wanted to know if she had a shot? I mean come on I am carrying his child! Strangely, my husband also noticed some men leering at me. Yes...8mos preggy and they thought I was cute. While we were both kind of disgusted, we also felt that we were "hot" and the thought that other people desired us was kinda cool. He would never cheat on me nor I on him...that is why I married him--because I know we could never do that to each other. To me it sounds like you guys need to remind each other that you are not stereotypes..you are people who deserve to be honest enough with each other to realize if he really feels that cheating is a "normal" thing for a man...than you have some issues to work out.

WOW!!! I am so sorry your husband is acting this way. To be realistic with you, if he is going out after work, there is something going on. Especialy if this is not like him. I hate to say it but it sounds like he is having an affair. This is not normal!! Unless the both of you sit down and agree to it. If he is doing it behing your back, that is just wrong. My husband comes home everyday after work to help with the kids and thing that need to be around the house. I think it is time for the two of you to sit down and have an adult conversation and let him know that what you do is just as important what you do. In fact, if us women got paid to be a house wife, we would make well over $200,000 a year, maybe more. I pray that the two of you can come to an agreement and work things out. God bless you!!!

i have a different opinion than the other ladies. you said hes saying these things to you in response to you saying to him he should be more traditional he's not saying thats what hes gonna do he's saying thats what those men you are asking him to be like did. i think maybe you both are kinda stressed and have lost perspective. you need to talk it out and have a heart to heart, not a battle about who gave up more or who works harder. i don't think youre husband is being unfaithful at all i think he (along with most men) have trouble communicating. marriage counseling seems to be what you guys need.

I guess maybe I am missing something here...I think it is completely disrespectful for your husband to say these things to you and whether he is cheating or not - WHO SAYS THOSE THINGS? Give me a break. As far as his views getting skewed by others, we are all responsible for our actions. If my husband isn't coming home at night to be with me and the kids, then something isn't right. So to answer your question from another SAHM's perspective - No, this is not normal. And furthermore, I wouldn' be searching for a marriage counselor if my husband started telling me how NORMAL it is for men to have affairs while I stay at home and take care of the kids, I would be looking for a really good divorce attorney. Perhaps that would stop the banter if that is all that it is. I would never let my husband treat me so disrepectfully. Our actions or failure to act actually treat people how to treat us. If you act like a doormat, you can bet you'll get walked all over.