Marriage Problems - Conway, AR

EEEERRRRRR! I hate it when men don't clean. My husband is the WORST! I swear its the only thing we argue about. My 4 yr old daughter picks up more than he does and it makes me want to tear my hair out, I feel like i have to walk behind him with a dustpan and broom. That being said i can completely relate. The only difference is that he would never dare say anything about my cleaning. Sounds like he works less than you and needs to start doing some indoor work like a big boy. I don't mean to sound crude, but i always use techniques i would use on a child to get my husband to clean, positive reinforcement, and a sweet demeanor, I have to be consistent.

I would suggest you try and sit down when you two are not fighting and discuss the way the chores are divided. Explain that you know he's tired but you need help so the two of you aren't always arguing. If he still isn't willing to help out more then tell him when he does some cleaning, he can gripe till then you will get to it when you can! If that doesn't work maybe hire a college student to clean for you once a week. I paid a friend of mine $20 to vaccum dust sweep mop and clean the bathrooms once a week. It was worth the money!!
Hope that helps.

I've been married for 10 years and this seems to be an ongoing battle for me as well. I have found that trying to argue my point about working full time too doesn't do any good when my husband is already mad and yelling. I always voice my point but when I really get him is when we're not arguing. And instead of saying "I need more help..." I tell him how he could help me. I would validate his early morning issue because I work early like that and I do understand that it makes you tired.....BUT, it is his house and child too. I would just try reasoning with him when the moment is not 'heated'. Good luck, be strong and know that you are right and you do need help.

K.,
Your story sounds like me and my husband last year. One word...COUNSELING! My husband would get so upset about the littlest things that were dumb to get upset about. He would start screaming and I was ready to leave. It took a lot of convincing to get him to go, but he did it for me and our son. It was the best thing we could have done. It saved our marriage. We only went to one session and it helped so much, but we had a deal that if we went to one and were able to maintain, we didn't have to go again. Our 3rd anniversary is tomorrow and we are still doing very well.
Here's what you do:
1) call your health insurance company and ask who handles your mental health benefits.
2) call that company and ask how you are covered for marriage counseling.
If you have any questions, please feel free to e-mail me.
____@____.com
I hope everything works out. I know how stressful life is with a 2-year-old. I have one myself.

K.,
Just wanted to say to you maybe you should seek counseling to discuss what's going on. Sometimes this happens for other reasons and not really the ones that you seem to be arguing about. Its funny because it took a counselor to let me and my husband know that what we were arguing and fussing about really wasn't the issue at hand it was other things going on. In addition to that maybe you should hire someone to come in and help with the cleaning up part maybe once every 2 weeks and u just pick up in between those 2 weeks when that person is not coming in.

I think this is an issue that requires more help then I know how to help I want to suggest to you and EVERYBODY that has a marriage issue to go to this Here is a resource that deals with helping marriages.
House 2 Home Ministries
e-mail: ____@____.com

Hi K.,
please don't leave if you love him and he's a good man(try reconciliation). You are not alone. I have only been married 7 yrs myself but i have come to the conclusion that a lot of men have a lot of things in common (from talking to others married women & friends). I think some men generally think once they go to work that's all they have to do for their share. I will suggest communicating with him to address the issues and throw out any expectations from eachother. I am learning to see to it that i do the best i can and pray that God gives me the strength and wisdom for each day. It's a roller coaster -but with God all things are possible. I will be praying for your family.

I went through a similar situation with my man too.One thing is the added stress of the child and the difficulty of the age he's at right now.Most of the time you're not aguing about what you're really arguing about.If both of you arew orking he needs to contribute too.If he wants a woman that cooks and cleans and takes care of the house ,he needs to let you be a stay at home mom otherwise it should be 50/50.I told my husband the same thing .I tried working part time he wouldn't contribute so i quit.It will make you very resentful and that will destroy a marrage.Also if you guys don't it's really important to have some time alone as a couple,and time alone for yourself too.It's a hard balance to find but if your relationship is worth it the work is worth it.I don't work and we have to scrimp and save but it works alot better for all of us and I actually got to raise my daughter.And any time he says anything about the house I tell him he's more than welcome to show me how it's done.That usually shuts him up.lol Good luck

Marriage is not 50/50. It is 100/100. You cannot put part of yourself into a situation and expect it to work. Maybe you should write down all the "chores" you do and the time you spend. Then you can count all the time you spend dealing with your son as well. Ask him to do the same thing. do this for a few days and then sit down and compare notes. Maybe you guys can make a list of things that need to be done and decide who will do them each week. Also make sure that if he has been sleeping while you are at work and he expects you to cook, clean, entertain and monitor your son then he needs to be doing other things on the list. I would make sure that he gets kid duty every two or three days though. Kids that age love to be like dad so encourage him to let little guy help clean the garage or wash the car.
If you do a schedule in writing and you can then check off when it is done then neither one can say "you didn't do the dishes" without already knowing it is the truth. I saw on SuperNanny where she took paper lunch sacks and wrote the chores on the outside. The mom/dad decided weeky by picking out the sacks what their jobs would be that week and there were even some they did cooperatively. I think that was a bit big but it was a great visual for dad. Sometimes they need that. I think magnets you buy from the craft store would be sufficient. You could make one pink set and one blue set and maybe even a couple of things for your son so he has jobs as well. Then on Sundays, you can look at the coming week and use your color to indicate which you will do and maybe even go so far as to have a weekly schedule on the fridge and put those magnets on the days they need to be done. Then there is no question about who's responsibility it is to get it done. That way you don't have to nag, bug, attack, or anything. His visual is in place and if he doesn't do it then it doesn't get done.
Let me know what you think about that.
C.

Sounds like you have really started to work things out but here is my 2 cents worth anyway!

#1 Date night at least 1 time per week and hire a sitter

#2 Talk, talk, talk, talk

Get to know each other inside and out so you know how he thinks and do this in a "conversational" style NOT fighting. You open your heart to each other and try hard to listen as much as you talk.. find out exactly what is going on in each others head and make sure you both stay on each others side.. you are a TEAM and a 2 yr old can wreak havoc on even the best team mates. Make sure you give each other the benefit of the doubt and if you both give 200% it will work itself out!

W.

Hi K.,

I agree with everyone's comments that men expect us the women to do all the house chores, even though we work outside the home just as much as they do, and then some more with taking care of the kids. I don't wanna keep repeating what eveyone elsa has said but my recommendation is that you could talk to your husband about hiring someone (there are a lot in each neighborhood) who could clean for you maybe every weekend, for a fee. If you both don't have enough time and this is causing arguments, you might wanna consider this so you can have some peace of mind. I have a friend whose problem was solved this way. Hope this helps.

My husband and I are the same way, we both do things or don't do things that aggravate one another to no end. We've been together for six years and married for one and still find things to complain about! I definitely think you're not at the point where you need to leave. Both of you can really work through this, its just going to take alot of effort from you. Unfortunately women are still viewed as the caretaker's of the home, which is fine if that's all you have to worry about. Most men still have that mentality (Like my husband) that they shouldn't have to do anything around the house but the yardwork. But he was raised that way, his mother did just about everything for him (while working a full time job)and his father did nothing in the house. While my father on the other hand worked 2 full time jobs and came home and helped my stay at home mom with whatever she needed, half the time she didn't even have to ask. Two totally different ends of the spectrum, I realized that was the source of our problem. I was expecting him to help me with some of the chores and he was expecting me to do it all and we were both too proud to back down from one another. I love my husband very much and realized our housework was causing us to fight constantly and hate each other. Housework!! Maybe sit down and talk (try very hard not to fight!) with your hubby and ask him what he expects of you and vice versa. After you establish that, it may make things simpler and he may be more willing to help out, at least with your son which is better than nothing right? Also it might help to write out a schedule for the housework for both of you to do (if he'll agree to it) and don't forget to schedule family time! You've got to make time for your son together, it's very important for him to see you two together happy and smiling. Not bickering about housework, leave the dishes and go do something fun! It's going to take alot of sacrifice and tongue-biting from you. You may end up doing all the work, but ask yourself what's more important to you, a small break for you or the end of your relationship? If this doesn't help please don't give up on your marriage, think about your son and how much he needs you both. You might consider couples therapy, and above all pray very hard and ask God to save your marriage. Try as hard as you can and exhaust every option before you make any final decisions. Do it for all three of you! I sincerely hope you both find some common ground and everything works out!

Poor you. Marriage is so hard. I am having big time problems too, and also just been married 4 years.
My husband works a lot, but I do EVERYTHING else. Clean the house, the yard, do the bills, laundry, cook groceries and take care of our 17 month old. The only thing I expect of him is kindness, consideration, the occational acknowledgement of how I take care of everything. For some time it has been nothing, only when I point it out does he tell me that "of course you do a good job"
I feel extremely empty in this marriage and lonely. I have no family around but do have some good friends. I love and adore my little girl and don't mind having to do everything if only I got some attention from my husband. Even though I take care of myself he has not come to me romantically in quite some time, and since about a month I don't care anymore. I don't want to get divorced because I don't want to do that to my daughter, but I need more fullfillment in this marriage. We just last week started going to counseling but I don't know if it will help. You are definitelly not alone with your issue. For as far as leaving him, do you really want to make your child a statistic over this. As long as your son does not get affected by the fighting I guess you need to do everything else you can to make the marriage work. It is hard, I know, I often think of leaving, but with a child I don't think I have that privelige anymore. Write me if you need support.
Good luck

Hi K. S.,

Tell him if he can do a better job than do it himself or get someone to come in and clean it for him? I clean houses for a living and when I come home I don't want to clean my own house, so I told my husband if he wants it better than and when I want to do it to get someone else to do it for him.

M. D.

the question sounds as if you're ready to leave, but i would suggest communicating how serious the matter is with him and then trying to move it into couples' counseling if you don't get a response (you can get this free from a number of sources, be it governmantal, private, with your clergy, or through catholic charities). in any case the household chores need to be thought of as a joint responsibility, no matter your responsibilities outside the home. if one has a drastically more demanding job (time wise) you can adjust but otherwise it's an equally shared responsibility.

Dear K.,
I just want you to know that you are not the only one that is/ were going throught this. My husband and me have been married almost 7 years and been together a total of 10 years. We also have 2 little girls 6 years and 17 months. We both work full time also most the some hours. I would get my kids up dress, get them off to daycare, go to work, get off of work, pick my kids up, feed them, get them in bed, take off if they are sick and take them to the doctors. And on top of that clean the house and cook. With no help from my husband. We having been going to a counselor for the last 4-5 months. In the beginning of march i finally had enough and told my husband he had until the end of the month to start helping or showing that he wants his family or not. I guess something clicked for both of us. We both realize we want to make this work for our kids and for ourselves. I am not saying things are always going to be easy but both of ya'll could work this out together. or you might want to see a counselor to help with things. well i am sorry to hear about your problems and i hope i could help some. best of luck.

Well you got alot of advise so theres not much to say but if I'm reading his hours right he only works like 4 hours on somedays? There are alot of men out there who do seem to think its naturally a womans job to clean but with how times has changed I'm sure he has heard that alot of men are helping out too. If he doesnt even work 8 hrs somedays surely he has some energy. You said he turns a argument into about the housework. Sounds like my ex he would get the heat off of himself and manipulate it back to ga its been awhile but alot of times it was the housework because his mom was a stay at home well I wasnt and he expected the house to be perfect, and me being in a disfunctional marriage had it perfect, if I had to do it all over again I'd leave it a mess and make him help. Back to the argument changing subjects, thats not good a counselor told us before to only deal with the issue at hand. If your husband is not willing to do that maybe he is trying to manipulate heat off himself from whatever it is you were arguing about first. Good luck and bless you hun marriage is hard and I'm feeling your anguish. Hope yall communicate this out.

K.... I haven't read all of the other posts so excuse me if I repeat.
I'm just guessing here, but maybe it really doesn't have to do with the house cleaning. It just may be the only thing he can think of to 'pick' a fight with you about. It really sounds like there is another issue and he is not being honest with you about it (maybe not even with himself). I know that when I'm upset with my husband about something that I'm afraid to bring up....I subcounsiously bring up something else.
Also, about two weeks ago my husband was vacumming the bedroom... and he was taking forever!!!! I said..."why is it taking you soooo long to vacuum one room??" (I know I should have just been happy he was doing it!!!) Anyway... his response..."because when I do it, I do it right!!"
Well.... guess WHO hasn't vacuumed since??? ME! I told him that I don't like to do ANYTHING if I can't do it RIGHT!
LOL... try that... or sit him down (when he isn't too tired and you aren't too angry) and ASK him if that is REALLY what the problem is... or is there something else going on that he needs to get off of his chest.
My guess... would be with his hours, you doing all the work (outside the home and in..) plus the 2 year old... there isn't much 'intimacy' going on. Plus, with arguing.. who the HECK fells like being intimate?? Maybe that is his REAL issue.

Ok, I know exactly what you are going through because I went through it with my ex-husband. Good thing is that is not the reason he is my ex. Well, The best thing I could tell you to do is take a day off and clean your house. After your done sit and have a long talk with him about how he needs to help you to keep it that way. Like if he is the one making most of the mess put all his stuff in a pile. and be like look this is all YOUR mess.Or tell him that if he wants you to clean and have everything all wonderful then he needs to take the baby for a drive to the park or something so that you can clean. Also on another day so that you can atleast sit down and breathe for a few minutes. I know how hard it is. I how evrything works out..

I argue with hubby about the house cleaning all the time. I have a huge house I have to keep clean all by myself plus 3 kids, 4 if you count hubby, that can't pick up after theirself. When I grip to hubby about helping he will go clean the utility room or his work shop! I told him I want help cleaning the stuff I and everyone else has to see. Must be a man thing. Good luck!

marriage is 50/50 --- not he'll do some and you do the rest.

Next time it comes up suggest marriage counesling. My husband does the same thing except I stay at home with our 4 month old. I know it is not the same but guys seem to still be stuck in the darkages where women do everything and they get by with doing nothing. Make some threats, sometimes it works. But counseling works best.

Hi K....How are you doing? I have just about the same problem as you do. My husband works for a Wood plant and he works from 6:00 in the evening to 6:00 in the morning. He comes home takes a shower and goes to sleep until about 3:00 pm. he leaves for work at around 4. so we only see him for about 30 min. just long enough to eat. I have two small children i have a daughter who is 23 months and a little boy who is 7 months. so my hands are pretty full.. i don't work and i get to stay home with them so i am lucky for that but we live in a one bedroom house. the three of us.. so we're pretty cramped. there is only one closet and we are dealing with a mold problem so we are unable to use it. and like you said he sleeps all weekend. my husband does the same thing. he doesn't help me with the kids at all. and he is very old fashioned. when he gets ready for work i have to set out his clothes and shoes and socks, underware and his lunch has to be made.. one day i spent the whole day cleaning and i left 2 bowls and 2 spoons and when he got home at 4:30 am he woke me up to do them because the house was "unfinished". i just had gallbladder surgery and i have been doing pretty much everything.. now it's been 2 weeks and i have started hurting again and i know it's from no rest. but what am i supposed to do? like you i love him but its got to the point where i am not sure anymore...it's nice to know i am not alone..

Your husband sounds a little selfish (NO OFFENSE!!) You two should really plan a time that you can talk (w/o your son there) You just need to lay everything out on the table and then let your husband do the same. Try to work on what's bothering you both. It always seems to boil down to one issue that should have been taken care of already.
This is just my opinion. Before my husband and I were married we went through a spurt like that for almost a year (we were together 4 yrs. before we married) That's how we finally worked it out. We would argue over something minor but then other issues would be brought up because we never really got to discuss them besides when we argued and one of us brought it up just for a better jab at the other one.
Anyway, I hope you and your husband work it out! Best of luck to you!

K., while I haven't had exactly the same problems, I have a potential solution for you. Look up www.Flylady.net. Flylady tells us how to create basic routines that help us keep us what we need to do, regardless of what goes on in our lives and how much help we have. Realistically, husbands simply don't realize how much we do (and probably never will!). It's simply up to us to juggle what we have to do! Look up Flylady, keep an open mind to what she has to say. Start with the "Why Fly" essay and then start the babysteps of flying. Just jump in where you are!
V.

I have the same problem with my husbend and i have been marred for 16 years. I work at home and he gives me the hole "you been home all day and nothing is done !" Well With 5 kids One who is disable it is hard to keep a spotless hose like my husbend would like . A nd i also have no help from him. I do wont to say that it is sooo grate that you are willing to work things out alot off wifes would just leve. I dont know how menny frinds and family told me to. but eny way for the advise.there is not to much you can do you are not supper woman if you cant grt your husbend to help tell him you are going to hier someone.Maby a naghberhood teenager to give you some help.If he is unwilling to spend the money or unwilling to help out with the menny things you need to get done tell him (like i tell my husbend ) "If he wont help dont conplane on how you get it all done )Because we all know how much real work it takes to run a home and work. Also what has helped me latley is I bought a BIG calander for my kichen wall and have started putting ALLLL of things i need to do in the day on there IE: pick up kids ,drop kids off, do landry og to the store cook diner clean up ,....... You get the pic. And dont forget ot add times so he can see how much time you realy have to do things.It gives him more of a idea of how huch i do in a day.Well sorry to have been so long winded .. Good luck !

My ex and I had similar arguments. Neither of us was particularly great at housekeepimg, but he was retired, and I was working fulltime, and he stillexpected me to do all of the cooking (because he claimed not to know how, even though the managed to avoid starvation before we got together) and the cleaning (because he had a bad back).
My current husband is much neater than I am, but he knew this going into the relationship. I work full-time, and he is a full-time grad student who commutes from Baton Rouge to New Orleans several times a week. In addition, our whole family (me, my husband, my daughter) is involved in community theater, plus my daughter has an after-school job. So none of us has a lot of spare time to clean.
We solve it by picking a time when we are all free (like a Saturday morning) and doing the major chores (vaccuuming, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms) together. My husband is not a fantastic cook, but he is a capable one, and he has learned to use the crock pot, so that dinner can be started before leaving in the morning, and ready when my daughter gets home from school. During the week, everyone picks up after him or herself. The house isn't as neat as when my husband lived alone, but he has learned to adjust to it. As long as the floor is not crunchy, and the windows are not adhesive, he can deal.

First of all, know that you aren't alone. My hubby and I went through this also, and sometimes still do. It was one of many reasons we ended up in marriage counselling shortly after the birth of our first daughter. We had to find a happy medium and communication was key. A messy house is no reason to give up on your marriage, although sometimes it feels that way. He needs to realize that you not only work a full time job outside the home, but another full time job INSIDE the home. You definately need time to talk (not fight!) when your son is not there with you. During that time, let him know exactly how you feel and let him know that leaving has crossed your mind. Perhaps suggest marriage counselling. A counselor is a great resourse that can come in as a neutral mediator to help keep you from fighting, but still allowing you to express yourself to your husband. It was the greatest thing my husband and I ever did for our marriage. Definately consider it. (My husband was against it at first saying that he didn't need some outsider telling him how to be a husband. I convinced him that it is being man enough to admit there are problems that need addressing and we are willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work since we had no luck solving the problems on our own. It took a couple days, but he came around!)

Good luck!!!!!!