Are All Daddy's This Way?

My originally would wait until I asked him to do specific things as well. I had a talk with him and let him know that he was as much of a parent as I was. I needed him to take initiative because it helps couples stay on the same page on parenting styles allows them to exchange ideas. After I told him this, he became a lot more actively involved.

You really have to lay it out for him what his role is and what you need help with. Most first timers dont know what's helpful or hindering. And we as SAHM's spend soo much time working on routines n such they dont want to mess things up once he understands his new role and how to play it things will get better. It still happens from time to time, but hes much more helpful and hands on now.

Hi T.,

I've heard the saying, and find it to be so true, that first children make you a mother, second children make your husband a father. When there's only one, it's easy for mom to be in charge and take control, but when there are two kids, you need help.

I think what you're talking about is pretty normal of first time dads. I think it would be a good idea to get out and put him in charge for a good chunk of time (to include changing diaper, feed, play, and put down for nap).

Good luck!
C.

Hi T.-

My husband was the exact same way. I would get emotional thinking I'd be taking care of my 4 month old all by myself :)

Wait until Harrison is about 3-4 months and gives your husband a smile and a coo. When a Daddy has that connection with baby, everything changes! You won't be able to get Harrison away from Daddy, and the best part is that your heart will melt watching them bond together.

Alot of Daddies are just uncomfortable around little babies (especially if they have no experience with them). They fear they will "break" the baby or drop him. This could easily be misconstrued as Daddy is just not interested (a man would never admit that he was afraid of anything!!!). Once the baby is old enough to interact/engage with Daddy, a wonderful bond forms and they play together alot! Hang in there - it only gets better!

Girl! this happens a lot! I just started giving my daughter to my husband when he got home...it's hard, and they usually don't understand b/c we as mommies get to do most of the work....it happens, but just b/c he is a man does not give him an out until they are 2...so many people told me to just ignore it, and that he is a man and that is what happnes...not in my house....sorry..got carried away! Just let him know that you need a break too...

A lot of guys are a little insecure about young infants.
Encourage him to include the baby in whatever he's doing so he'll get to know more about his daddy. (Both of my children spent a lot of their infancy propped in daddy's lap in front of or near a computer screen!). Let him know that Harrison likes to hear his daddy's voice and just hang out with daddy, in addition to you needing a break.
Also, when daddy does spend time with him, bite your tongue :-). I think a lot of mommies tend to correct and offer unsolicited advice when daddy is handling the baby. Have you left your husband alone with the baby for much time? This is really key to him figuring out how the baby "works" without you around to observe or take notes.
In a few weeks, when the baby is more interactive, he should be more comfortable.

Oh, Boy. This is a constant conversation in my house. I am 28 and have a 4 month old son. How many times have I issued the line "you are not a babysitter, you are a daddy"??!! I do have to say that my husband is amazing. He does housework and cooking, even though I only work part-time. He also would do everything I would ASK him to do for the baby, but never initated hanging out with him. I think it is a little bit of a maturity issue. He has gotten a lot better in the last few weeks and seems to be putting in more of an effort. Like when he comes home, he has been immediately taking Dylan for a little while into the other room and playing with him by himself. My husband seemed to get more interested when Dylan started interacting more with him. Now he laughes back and plays with toys. Maybe you just have to wait it out until that happens. It seems to happen over night. I think my husband just likes to have someone to finally laugh at his stupid jokes! I still wish he would help more with the night time routine and stuff. But, we are taking little baby steps!!

ahhhhh you have hit the sore spot of this family also!!!

My husband is the exact same way, even after being together 13 years, 11 married, and 4 kids later!!!

I am also a SAHM/attempt to WAHM..LOL :) My husband works extremely hard as a diesel mechanic. When he gets home he makes a bee line from the back door, plays with the kids (usually just enough to realllly get the wound up for ME to deal with..LOL), and STRAIGHT to the TV...**sigh**

As I mentioned before this is a very sore point around here. I understand that he works extremely hard and feels that he "deserves" his down time...but I am constantly telling him he needs to put in a time clock for ME also so I can get MY downtime...men just sometimes don't understand how hard it is to just "stay at home" with the kids...and actually get things done! A mothers "job" is 24/7/365 with no weekends, holidays, or paycheck for that matter!!! LOL :)

I am probably not much help with this post at all, but I did want you to know you are not alone!!! And if you can find some way to remedy this now, maybe you won't be in my shoes 13 years from now!!! I will have to say that I agree with the poster that said men can't read our minds...but that isn't a problem around here and I speak my mind quite frequently...ha ha. Just make it known what you want them to do and most of the time even my spoiled hubby will do it :)

I know a big thing that helps me is setting a mommy night. I get to leave and do whatever I want...at least one night a week! Make sure he knows what to do and when and just GO! Get some time away and he will be forced to take care of baby...maybe he will become more used to doing it and will be more willing even when you are around!

I hope this helps at least a little!!!
hugs and blessings
H.

It is typical of alot of dads but not all. I can relate. You can approach it in one of two ways. If you need him to "help" because you need a break, which I am sure you do after being home all day, ask him if he can be in charge of his bath and bottle before bed. Give him specific tasks to do with the baby that is the routine to do every evening. When your son gets older, it will be way different, at least it was with mine. Good luck.

My husband is exactly the same way with our 6 month old son. He is a pilot, so you would think he would be extra excited to see Christopher (our son) since it is usually 3-4 days since the last time, but not really. He loves him and misses him lots and will do anything I ask him to do...but he is just insecure with himself around him. I have been told the older they get, the more involved Dads get. Let's hope so...

My husband was the same way. I think alot of men are "nervous" around small babies. When they start getting a personality and start "relating" to us, I think they feel more comfortable around the babies and therefore do more with them. Especially boys, it'll be easier to relate to them when they can play with a ball, run around, etc. Keep asking him help and give him tasks and it'll get better.

good luck!
T.

First of all - Harrison is such a cute name! Love it!

Ok, my husband was the same way. He did everything I asked him to, and he understood that I needed time for myself sometimes (I also work from home), but he never did anything just out of his own will. It wasn't until our daughter was 5-6 months that she started to really talk to us and interact with us that he got really involved. He is now a VERY hands on dad, he loves hanging out with her (she's 2.4) and I hardly have to ask him to spend time with her. Now if he would only clean up the mess they make when they play! GEEZ!

:)
C.

Hi T.,

Yes, honey that is usually the way of it at first. First of all, are you booby feeding your baby? If so, that is even more so that they act this way. Your baby basically does 4 things, cry, eat, poop and pee. If you are providing him w/those 4 basic needs and love, hugs and kisses and you are fortunate to be a SAHM, then the baby is practically w/you 24/7. The baby needs you and dh's feel that sometimes they are inadequate since they can't really feed them (unless you bottle feed) and hold them correctly and all the other things that go along w/a new born baby.

Sometimes during this time, it is not that men don't help out, they just feel sometimes that they are in the way and that we can do everything so much better than they can (we can too!), but it would be nice for some help. Continue to ask him for it and praise him when he does a good job. I think w/babies being so small and our dh's being so big, (mine is 6'2) they sometimes feel they might drop the baby or might hug them too tight. As babies get older and we have a set schedule for them, dh's usually start to become more involved when they know how to do all that we do by just taking care of the baby.

Sometimes that is all they can do. My son is 4 years of age and most of my friends husbands; it is all they can do to take care of the kids. It is hard to expect them to do anything else, so I am more lenient w/them as long as my son is not bleeding, has a broken bone and at least has been fed, bathe and clothed when I return home from my dh watching him.

He will get better at it, I promise. It takes time for them, so be patient. Asking him to help you is your best bet right now. Sometimes helping you around the house and picking is a bigger help. It is so funny that they expect us to do dinner, laundry, grocery shopping, bills, etc and all of that and take care of the baby and when we leave them for an afternoon, all they can manage is to take care of the kids!! We are supermoms, LOL...so that is just the way it is.

Good Luck!

Gladys

I know exactly what you mean! =) My daughter is only 2 weeks old, and my boyfriend is the same way with her. I know he loves her to death, but I have noticed too that it's only when I ask him if he wants to hold her, or change her diaper, etc..that he does. Otherwise, he turns on the tv or whatever else. I thought maybe it was just him but this makes me feel a little better. Maybe it's a guy thing? =)

Yes, my husbend was that way when we had are first child. I thought that he didn't love her but after a while he became very close to her and now she is 3 1/2 years old. Now we have a 3 1/2 month old who he is doing better with then our first one. So you have nothing to worry about he will start getting closer to him and start playing with him cause my daughter was about 5 months old when he really started playing with her and spending time with her more it was really hard on me when I started back to work. Let me know how it goes. One more thing let him know how you feel. That is what I did with my husbend when I felt that way.

men, in general, can't read minds and know what women want or need. So, just make sure that you ask him nicely when you want him to do things and he will most likely appreciate knowing how best to help you out.

I would say this is very normal!! At least my husband was (and sometimes still is) the same way. At first I would get mad and tell him what to do, this did not work well, he retreated even further. Then I would just hand her over to him and say "I am going to the store", that worked better and I think helped him to be more confident. I think I created part of the problem, because at first I wanted to be the one that did everything, and if he did not do things the way I thought they should be done, I would get mad.
Now that our baby is almost 1, he interacts with her A LOT more. I have stepped back and let him spend time with her however he wants (even if that means watching the Wiggles while she sits in his lap).
For me another part of the problem was that for a long time our DD only wanted me and would cry when he (or anyone) held her. I think that made him feel sad so he pulled away, now when he gets home she gets very excited and goes to him immediately. This makes him feel very happy and helps him to feel more connected to her.
I think that men just dont have the same instant connection that woman do to their babies, it is good that your husband will spend time with your baby when you ask him to, and I am sure in no time as he gets older you will not be able to seperate the two!!

My husband was the same way at first. Now our little guy is almost 2 and he ADORES him. He plays with him, and all kinds of stuff. One thing I did early on... was I gave him a Daddy chore. He had to bathe our son every night. I think this really helped with their bonding... because I was usually busy cleaning up dinner or something, so I couldn't get in the way. It helped when our son started showing attachment to my husband as well. So, he wasn't just wanting Mama all the time.

It'll happen... just give him some time. We carry these little guys around for 9 months and get so attached to them... Daddies just need a bit more time.