Marriage Problems - Draper,UT

There is a book entitled "And they were not ashamed". It is a book for newlyweds on up re: sexual issues. It might come in handy. Also have you tried counseling, if not for both of you, then for you. It might help you deal with the situation better.

K.,

I am so sorry! I don't know that there is much I can say or do to help you aside from letting you know that I care.

Linda

It is not normal to go 3 years between sexual experiences. Especially if he clearly enjoys looking at other women. I feel like it's up to you as to what you're willing to live with (or without). It doesn't sound like you're happy, though. It may be time to see another therapist. No matter what you decide to do, good luck! I hope everything works out for you!

K--I'm not a therapist but it sounds like your husband is deeling with guilt over his affair and his outside interests (HBO shows etc.) sexual addicts act out and disappear in thier fantasies and it becomes easier to live in the fantasy world than in the real world. I don't know what will happen for you, but I would reccommend couseling for you. I believe that especially when there are children involved you do try to work through your marriage--you have to fight your way out, not meaning give up, but don't leave until you can look at it and say I know I did everything I could, and now it is time to move on. In the process many marriages can be saved. It does take both of you for that to happen, I know. Right now though, your first focus needs to be making sure that you are in an emotionally healthy place to address all of the issues you are dealing with. I hope you can find a good counselor you trust who will work with you on the focus of trying to save the marriage first, and address things in a positive way. When my marriage was really struggling, I met with a counselor and told him that my focus was to take care of me, and to have input that could help me do all I could for my marriage. I didn't want him to bring up or discuss divorce at this point in time. I let the counselor know what I was looking to get out of the sessions. And we worked together. My husband came on board after some time and we did couples counseling as well. That was 3 years ago. I feel we have a stronger marriage now--and we have a healthy sex life. Don't ignore how unhappy you are, it will just get worse. Unhappiness festers. Find ways to bring joy into your marriage. There is also a great website www.marriagebuilders.com that has useful articles and message boards. the object is to do all you can to save the marriage. Dr. Harley talks about love banks, and how we make more withdrawals in a marriage than deposits. That was an eye opener for me. I know my husband was not treating me well but I had gotten negative and was not putting positives into him either. When I started to focus on what I could do instead of what he wasn't doing, I stopped being a passive participant in an unhappy marriage. It was hard. I resented it, I won't lie. I kept thinking why do I have to do the work when he is the one who has been destroying our marriage? But I am so thankful I worked through the process. Yeah, sometimes issues will bring some of that back to the surface but it is moments in time now in the midst of so much happiness and peace instead of a moment now and then of happiness. I know you can find peace within yourself. That you can find that happiness and feel like a sexy vibrant woman again. I hope that it will be with your marriage, that you can do all you can and he will come on board, but regardless of the outcome you will know you did all you could and will never have to look back on your life with regrets for that. The hardest thing for me was "courting" my husband when I wasn't sure if I was going to want him to still be my husband. He wasn't acting like the man I married...well my husband was still in there--I had to at least try. So I did. I cut out negative talk with him for a while...took it all to my therapist. I found out his love languages (another good book, the five love languages) and I started putting into his lovebank. If I did a love buster of yelling or getting upset I took stock of it and made sure I added 3 positives for each negative. I treated it like a project because emotionally I wasn't in it yet. As time went on it got easier, and he started to reciprocate a little. Now I think he is better at that than I am. I know it doesn't always turn out like that--but it can. My heart and prayers are with you.

Hey, check out these two site and there are many more with tons of great advise. Also, go with your gut feelings not with obligation! Why suffer when you are suppose to enjoy your life! You children need to see you happy or else when they get older they won't seek affection, passion and all of the things that make a marriage awesome. I am sorry about what is happening you to, but go with your guts. Read up, take advise, and make your first moves toward him. If still rejected, maybe you need to rethink what it important to you and your little ones.

http://health.discovery.com/centers/loverelationships/art...

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/16

This is hard, because I myself have not been in this situation, but I decided to ask a guy's opinion. My husband. He said it sounds like your husband is hating himself and ashamed of himself more than anything because of what he is doing. If your marriage is worth it to you, he said take a gentle approach. Start out with hugs, let him know you are there for him and are willing to work things out. Show him there is no threat to making him feel worse. Make sure that he knows you are willing to help him and forgive him and that you want loyalty in the marriage and are willing to work with him on that. It really is up to you what to do. He is doing something wrong and you both know it. It all depends on how important your marriage is to you. There needs to be loyalty, he needs to be faithful to you, and you need intimacy. It will be hard but if you are both willing it is possible to get back to that point. Don't just live as roommates though. That is a bad idea.
Hope this helps

Hi K.. I've been married for 19 years--some great years, some (really) not so great years. I found your post sad because you don't seem to have any hope for something other than a sexless marriage or divorce. It sounds to me like your husband has some sort of pornography or sex addiction and the fact that he refers to himself as a pig would make sense in that he might think he can't help himself at this point.

IMO you shouldn't settle for anything less than a mutually respectful, loving marriage which includes you being able to talk to your him about problems. While I would agree it is normal for couples to have "dry spells" or times where there is little or no sex, the fact that it has been so long indicates a more serious situation. Also, if you allow yourself to be treated this way you might be sending a message to him that it's okay and he can "have his cake and eat it, too." Do you want to wonder what he is doing to sexually satisfy himself for the rest of your life, or if he's having another affair, or if he's involved in something worse than you might imagine?

You don't have to settle for being shut out and treated like a roomie. If he's not willing to help make a better marriage then holding on for your kids' sake or because you don't want to change friends, etc., only makes you miserable and perpetuates the problem. Ask yourself this--If I live like this am I going to be a fun, outgoing partner or is it going to age me, make me bitter and resentful, lose sleep, obsess, etc.? What man wouldn't want to have a wife who cooks, cleans, takes good care of the kids, makes him look like a respectful, married guy, etc. all while being able to do whatever he wants and telling you to mind your own business?

You sound like a smart woman who expects a lot of herself and you need to start working on what makes you happy such as a hobby or activity outside of your marriage. Something that might help you find out who you are, what you want, maybe get back some of that self esteem and confidence that is missing in your life. This would also take your mind off things you have no control of (his behavior.) You don't have to make any life decisions today or even tomorrow. You could set a goal for yourself that if things don't get better, if he still gets defensive and refuses to talk to you about problems, etc., that you can make a decision a little further down the line. I am not an advocate for divorce but even more I'm not an advocate for any woman to be mistreated and to have to worry about the solidity of her marriage all because her husband is a "pig". **sorry for the long post but this is something I've dealt with and I have strong feelings about it;)

I am sure this is not what you want to hear, but if I had to make a bet I would guess your husband is having another affair. I forgave my ex more than once for indiscretions and he would do it again. Sometimes when men get mad about accusations it is because they are guilty (thou protesteth too much). Anyway, I can tell you I stayed in my marriage a lot longer than I should have for the sake of the children. I finally decided that keeping the children there was worse for them instead of better and chose to leave with my children. I thought if he really loved them he would ask us to stay but he didn't. If he had ever said he wanted to work it out for their sake I still would have stayed. I am not going to lie, it was very hard. We lived with my parents for 6 months while I got a new start, and it was very hard on all of us. It takes time but every one will adjust. At first the kids were devasted to leave but they wouldn't go back now for anything. I was lucky and met a man that I trust 100% and recently remarried. My kids are not madly in love with him but I think they like and respect him. You and your children deserve to be happy, and the older they get the harder it will get. Unless you are prepared to stay unhappy until they are all in college, I would say if your husband is not willing to work at this marriage, you can try counseling on your own, but you have to understand that in the end you cannot make it a happy marriage all by yourself. Best of luck to you!

I know someone with pornography addiction and risky behavior that because of his watching pornography and other things, had no interest in his wife. Luckily he ackknowledges it is a problem and attends meeting and therapy for it.

Hi K.,

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is in such a tough spot. I can say you're a much more patient woman that I would be in that situation. There is obviously something going on with your husband, but if he won't talk about it there isn't much you can do. I know it's hard to think about the changes that would happen if you weren't married anymore - the kids, changes to friendships, etc. However, I don't think it's doing anything for your kids if you stay in an unhappy marriage. They don't need to have specifics about why things end, but I can tell you that kids are very perceptive and they know that things aren't quite right even if we never tell them. Also, I don't think staying "for the kids" is such a positive move all the time. If you stay in an unhappy marriage, you're teaching them that it's ok to be and stay in an unhappy relationship or to have someone else treat them the same way. It would be better to show them that even though things will be different than they're used to, you're strong and you deserve better from life - and so do they. If we leave our happiness up to others, then we can't complain about what we've got. If we take our lives into our own hands, it can, and should, be whatever we choose for it to be. Teach them that they (and you) deserve all the best in life, even if some of it comes at the expense of those who would choose for us to be unhappy. As for friends, well, they don't live in your house. If they don't understand that tells you just what kind of friend they are. Chances are, they will be understanding and supportive, and it doesn't mean they can't continue to be friends with both you and your husband. If you are really miserable (and it sounds like you are), as scary as it is, you have to take some action, even if it's asking him to leave for a while - a separation at first, not necessarily divorce. And, I'm sure you're fully aware that if he was willing to have a year-long affair before, he wouldn't have an issue with doing something similar again. That's been my experience with that kind of thing anyway. Luckily I was able to leave without too many restrictions because I didn't have kids then. I have had to do it when I did have kids, though, and it's been so much better for my life, and definitely for my kids' lives. I really hope for the best for you. My heart goes out to you and your kids. Take care and be safe.

Dear K.,

I read your article and found that it related to my past life with my family. I am a daughter of divorced parents. When I was young and living at home with my other 3 siblings my parents were going through the same thing that you are going through now, or so it seems. No communication with one another, no happiness existed at all, they just had to live with one another. All of us kids hated it and hated that our parents were always fighting. It was actually a good thing when they got a divorce. At first it was kind of hard, but when I saw both of their happiness after, It was worth it. Do not put your kids through the misery of seeing how unhappy you are all the time. Some things just don't work out and this is one of them. Do them a favor and especially yourself. It sounds like you have exhausted all avenues to fix your marriage and he is not willing to work on it or accept it. I think it might be time you call it quits and give your kids the better life they deserve. Thanks for your story and I hope this helps.

M.

You should not accept this or settle. I know plenty of women that would be happy not having sex again. But it sounds like you want passion. I think it is normal to not have sex regularly after having children. But divorce is also normal when partners' libidos don't match. You guys need counseling. After exhausting counseling --- hopefully it will work out. If not, divorce is ok. Yes, it's important for children to have both parents. But it is also important for children to have both parents happy. You are not alone. All couples struggle with this. Take care of yourself. It is important that you love yourself. You can't control whether your husband loves you or not. But it's worth exploring. Life is too short to be unhappy.

K.,

i stand behind everything celest shared with you 10000%.

but i also want to add a few other things for you to consider:

1) it took me years to move towards divorce as a solution to my own marital situation. my situation was different than yours, but bottom line was this: it didn't seem right to me to take my kids out of a secure home and divorce their father for a world of unknowns. also, it took me a long time to realize that it was more than ok for me to do what i needed to do in order to live a healthy satisfied life...it was and is IMPERATIVE!. once i got it into my heart and head that i truly needed to divorce so that i might have a chance at a healthy life, i divorced my husband and never looked back. yes it was hard and it is hard. my kids are adults now and i've learned from them that i should have divorced sooner. it is ironic, i was staying in the marriage for them (and also for what i thought was "security") and in the end i discovered that staying in the marriage for them was not healthy for them.

2) your husband's comment about him being a "pig" is a huge comment, don't dismiss it. he is having tremendous self-loathing issues, self-esteem issues. i'll bet he sees you as wonder woman and he's not worthy of you. and why is he not worthy of you in his mind? i'll bet that he is struggling with sex addictions. i wish i didn't know so much about this issue, but i've been involved with some men who have been there/done that and this self-loathing esteem they hold for themselves is such a huge stumbling block. addictions come in all sorts of sizes and shapes (alcohol, drugs, shopping, gambling...) but the sexual addictions are the more socially-horrifying. if this is his situation, as in any relationship with an addict, it's imperative that you take care of YOU and your kids. seek out help in groups that are set up for families of addicts. there are many healthy paths for you to explore with the help of groups that understand what you are dealing with. whether or not your husband can be approached to confront his addiction is up in the air. it's extremely hard to love someone and witness their self-destruction. we'd like to think that we can say the magic words (go get help) and that would lead to The Cure, but it's not that easy. so, firstmost, take a frank look at what is going on with him, explore this issue (is he a sex addict) and always always pursue the healthy paths in your life that add to who you are, not take away. maybe celest's advice is the path that will work for you (!!) but maybe not, if your husband is struggling with this addiction. the fact that you are in here, asking questions, opening yourself up to suggestions and possibilities tells me that your marriage still has a chance.

my best to you.

K.,
What example are you setting for your daughters?
Marriage can be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life. Do you want your daughters to have the believe that its OK to settle for a loveless marriage. (If your husband has no desire toward you, how can you even pretend that he loves you).
Love yourself enough to want more.

With my whole heart,
C., TLC (Transitition Life Coach)
Loving Connections LLC

I would say it is over! I would end it and try your best to keep in amlicable. If you stay, you will only grow more reentful and your relationship with your husband is not a healthy thing to show your children. They need to see an example of a loving relationship and a strong, happy mother. Who knows, maybe someone who will really love you and appreciate you is right round the corner! Do you really want to miss that just because you would rather stay in your comfort zone? I know ... easy for me to say! However I have seen some really happy 2nd marriages in my friends and you I think you deserve someone who loves you!

I would suggest counseling for yourself only. Each of us has to find what we need inside ourselves. If you're a person that has a strong belief in a higher power, great. Your higher power can help be a part of your solution. If you don't, you can still absolutely have joy and happiness as part of your daily life. That life may end up being with your current partner, with your kids only or perhaps even with your kids and a new partner. But always, always remember that you are born with the right to love, be loved and feel joy. I wish you those feelings right at this moment and throughout your day.

First of all if you are unhappy are your children unhappy? Children pick up on the moods of everyone around them. If you are not happy get out of the marriage. It will be hard on your children but you are a person also. Just because you are not together dosnt mean that he dosnt get to have time with his children also. Make sure that if he wants to share custduy do it. It is hard but it is worth it for your children.

I think he's taking advantage of you and that he probably doesn't apreciate all the things that you do for him, for your sake I think maybe you should talk it out with someone and find out what your options are. As for your friends that you have with this guy, if they're really your friends they'll understand what you're going through and support you in whatever decision you make. Good luck with everything.

~M. J

Three years seems like a long time... I think when he says "I'm a pig" he either doesn't know why or he won't say. I can't tell you what to do, but I think you know what to do about it. Just follow your heart.

my brother and his wife had a similar problem and they got divorced this year the chidren are 7 and 5 they seem to be coping well. I love my brother but I don't condone the things he did to make his wife feel awful. I'm glad she decided to get a divorce I hope my neices will know that it isn't healthy to be in that kind of relationship.

Hi K.,
I sent a response, but was not sure if it went through.

K. -- perhaps you can talk to your husband NOT about the sex but about the fact that you want to terminate the marriage? Maybe that will open his eyes. At the very least, the two of you could work on a plan to keep the family together until the youngest is out of the house. I know that may sound painful to you but in my opinion, it would be better than the pain your kids would go through if you were to divorce. You never know, maybe the conversation with your husband will open his eyes to what he has been doing to you and he will want to change. You deserve happiness and you should communicate that to him. If you don't get it from him, find it in your children. You can do this. God will help!

It sounds to me like you do have several decisions to make. First, YOU have to decide what YOU are worth. Do YOU deserve to be happy? Do YOU deserve to have your needs met? Do YOU deserve to be fulfilled? It is not (in any shape or form) normal for any man to go 3 years without sexual contact. By the mere fact that he enjoys looking at sex and watching sexual programs should tell YOU that he is sexually active, just not with YOU. YOU can go on settling for a second rate, loveless marriage with ZERO intimacy but if YOU think YOU are doing it for the kids, YOU are fooling yourself. Your kids know YOU, love YOU and adore YOU. Do you really think you would be doing them any favors by being miserable and living as room mates with your husband? Not only do they deserve a happy fulfilled mom, they deserve to see a model of an amazing, caring, passionate relationship between 2 people that took a vow to love, honor and cherish. Children can only learn the lessons they are given and if YOU stay in this marriage for "them", this is what they will believe a marriage is. They can feel your pain, how could they not? I can feel it in the words you've written. They may struggle at first but in the end they will love how happy YOU are once YOU have decided to value YOU. That is a great lesson for kids. If you don't value yourself, nobody else will either!

As for the mutual friends, if they truly are your friends YOU ALL will find a way to make it work. If not, YOU will make new friends. Nobody is worth sacrificing your self worth for!

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I believe you are smarter than this and know the answer in your heart. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it once you decide YOU are worth it!

Good luck!

The way your husband is acting is not normal and if you are not happy something is definitely wrong. Marriage is hard, but you still deserve to be happy. If you want to try to work things out you could try going to counseling again, but if your husband doesn't want to work on the marriage, you may need to move on. I know that is difficult, especially when you have children, but you living like his roommate and being unhappy is not good for you either. Eventually, if the relationship keeps going this way, the kids will notice as well. You need to do what you feel you need to. You need to be happy. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Hey there..... I am responding as a child of parents who stayed together for the sake of the kids, and let me tell you, all it does is teach them how a marriage is not supposed to be. If you think you can hide that fact that there are problems within your marriage that never get worked through, you are wrong, as they grow older they will notice and may resent you for it. My parents also had a loveless, passionless marriage that skewed my view on marriage. I don't like divorce, but my parents are now, finally, divorced and remarried and both very happy. It wasn't easy going through that, either, but it helped us all to be better people in the long run. I really really recommend counseling whether you divorce or not, and especially for the kids if they need it. It took me many years to understand what a marriage is supposed to be, and this could have been avoided if my parents had just been honest when things got rough and gotten help and/or divorced sooner. Kids recover better from honest hardship than from pretend happiness. Keeping you in my prayers.....

K.,
First, my heart and prayers go out to you and your husband. To answer you question, I don't think you should just ignore your feelings. While I understand your desire to look out for your kids and your husband, don't forget about you! Also, have the two of your talked about counseling ( I know you said you saw a therapist before). But is counseling an option now, are the two of you considering divorce, or are you planning to just sweep everythign under the rug. How does living the rest of you marriage without any intimacy make you feel, honestly? Does this seem like it's something that you could live with? Personally, I don't believe you shoul have to, but this is your marriage. Try to consider YOUR needs, not just everyone else's when making your decision. If you don't take care of yourself, there's no way that you can be your best for your kids. I know it's hard. Good luck!

File for divorce, let yourself move out of this unhappy situation, show your kids how to take care of themselves by doing it for yourself, and you will find another man in time who loves you like you want to be loved. I did it, and grew so strong in the process... and now am so happily married to my dream man. My ex and I also co-parent really well because we got divorced before we hated each other, and I am so grateful for that. Now my daughter has a good example of a healthy relationship, and can still love her dad without hating him for making me unhappy. You will be fine - do it!

No answer but you all deserve better. good luck, you'll probably need it

You are blessed with a wonderful gift, "the gift of instinct" go with that. The first thought, and that will be the best for you. My heart goes out to you. Do what you feel you need to do, go with your instinct. You and your children deserve happiness and love.

~L.

i hate to say it, but your kids know what is going on. they know you are unhappy. I would ask for a seperation with the intent to divorce. It sounds as if he is actually abusing you emotionally. It is a power trip for him to hold intamancy over your head. So seperate saying you will reconsider if he will try couselling of your choice. Put yourself in the driver's seat. And comit to it. don't go back on your word or let him talk you into letting him back in untl you get what you want and need. You will have some tough years, but think about it, if he is worth it, he will come back and you will both be happy...if nt, let him go. your friends that care and worth much will follow you. you children will discover that they are more hapy now you are happy and free. And sometimes, the dad wakes up and is more involved in their lives. but most of the time not...and it is what it is. Good luck, be strong, and remeber, there is only one person who cares at all what hapens to you...you. so take care of you and the rest will follow.

This is not normal. Go back to therapy. Find a place that will see you separately as well as as a couple. Your husband is obviously going thru something. You should not settle for this. Do all you can to get help together. If he won't go, go by yourself and he might see it helping you and then he might go. But I would really insist on him going so you can save your marriage. But he should find a therapist to talk to by himself so he can figure out what's going on without you there, he might be more comfortable that way, and then you guys can talk about it together.

I'm going to START by telling you a quick little story. My mother had cheated on my father many times. He was going to leave, he didn't want to buy into that. He was walking around the corner, and my big brother (different father) was 9. Some kids were making fun of him, for not having a dad. My big bro. said "ya I do too have a dad, he's right there!" My dad decided to stay, for him. Now, 27 years later, he regrets his decision more than not. He is happy, sometimes. But often, he is very down, and when I ask he always talks about the what-ifs...
You should leave. I don't want to sound mean, but CLEARLY you deserve better than this man. He doesn't want to leave you, that would be abandonment. But to stay with a man, when there is obviously no love, NO respect.. Honey no woman deserves that. No he isn't abusing you, but you can't stay with a man for the children! How can you be a TRULY good mother, if you aren't taking care of yourself. He actually told you he has no interest in you!! Reading your request... I started crying. I feel so, Well, I feel sick!! I think you should leave this man, don't enable him to keep hurting you. It will be hard at first, I won't lie. In the end, you AND your children will be much happier.
I wish you all the luck, all the happiness the earth can give.

1st off, I'm really sorry that you are having this experience. You mentioned that you didn't want to disrupt your kids lives with a divorce. Well kids have a way of feeling almost everything you are feeling and I can garentee (sp?) that they know something's up. Your husband is cruel and is a pig. The fact that he has had an affair is a red flag and frankly if he's not interested in fixing the relationship, I only see two choices: stay with the bastard and be miserable for the rest of your life and the kids will see that's how people "solve" their problems. Or you can divorce and really try hard to take the high road, and not drag the kids through any of the muck.
It is not normal for spouses to withhold sex from one another unless it's a mutual agreement. There have been marrages that do fine with out sex, but from your letter it really sounds like you'd like to be loved and I don't think you are getting what you deserve. You deserve a loving partner and I hope down the line that will happen for you.
But 1st you need to love yourself and get out of this mess. It will not be easy and you have to enlist people who are on your side, not those who think you should stick with the bastard.
Hang in there sister, good luck and remember love yourself.

K.,
Your first mistake is trying to talk to him about it, men hate to talk about anything, and us women just don't seem to get that cause we like to talk about everthing thinking it will help but in order to have a talk you both have to be willing to actually talk and actually listen to each other.
I think the best advice would be is to start acting like a girlfriend instead of a wife. Honestly, the best wife you can be is not to be his wife. Sounds strange but it's true. I can't give much more advice cause you didn't put in what you've done besides give birth, my best advice would be to call Dr. Laura on the radio. Thats where I got the be his girlfriend idea and it worked for me.
Good Luck
E

Have you asked your husband to return to therapy with you? If it has kept your marriage afloat before maybe it can work again? Is he supportive and attentive in other ways? If so, it seems to me like it might be worth the effort?

Sad. My opinion & experience is: once a cheater always a cheater. He's up to something. Saving a family is worth everything but you both have to want to. You can't do it yourself. I'd give him an ultimatum & let him know you're dead serious about divorce if he doesn't do whatever it takes to change some things. God bless you & your kids.

K., Just something to think about,not that you have not already. Maybe he is having another afair? I would not want to spend the rest of my life with a man that will not touch me!!! You need to find someone that is willing to make you happy and wants to be with you. I understand about the kids. But I am sure that they can feel the tension between the two of you at times. Kids need to be happy and so do you! You have a long life ahead of you and you deserve to be happy!!!!!!
Best Wishes

I would definitely not accept your life as it is. Marriage should be a source of joy and companionship. In my opinion, the source of the problem here is your husband's addiction to pornography. Unless he is willing to admit it is a problem and work to rid himself of it, you will not be able to fix the sexual problems in your marriage. If it were me, I'd look for someone who can fulfill you and respect you.

Hi K., I don't have any wise words. I just wanted to say that I love you and respect your trials and admire your choosing to hold the family together. If you guys are civil, and he's a good dad, you're right, it would do tremendous damage to the children to split up.

I tell my children that we will all have something very unfortunate happen to us in life, maybe divorce, maybe leukemia, maybe a string of car wrecks. They have three cousins who were born with physical abnormalities from serious to severe, so they understand what I'm talking about. We can't choose our lot in life, but we can live through it with dignity and focus on personal growth through the experience.

If he's an acceptable man around the house, please make the best of it for your children. (My advice would be completely different if you were childless.) God bless you.

Have you tried seducing him? I don't mean talking about...I mean get all dressed up nice before he gets home from work, cook his favorite dinner, make sure the house looks great, then after the kids are in bed, change into something HOT, and just go after him. If you look at yourself as irresistable, and he won't be able to resist you.

move on, is a child any better off with two miserable parents! your setting your children up to have unhealthy relationship themselves! what they need is a happy, smart rolemodel/parent

Let me start with me and my husband have been married 25 years and although marriage between two people can be very difficult this is not normal. Second, him telling you that the reason he does not want to have an intimate relationship with you is because he is a PIG is an excuse for a deeper problem. You need to find out what that problem is no matter what, even if it makes him mad when your force him to talk to you because you deserve that. He is being very childish and insinsitive by not talking with you because when two people go into a relationship they should be able to talk about anything and especially something that bothers their partner. I would find a babysitter and go out for an evening somewhere quite where you can talk, a park for a picnic or something like that where you can talk without any interuptions. You deserve to know the truth even if you don't want to know the truth. Good Luck and God Bless!

Dear K. W.

Ok, so here goes.
I am sure that you need reassurance about this situation, but you also need the truth.
If your husband is not touching you, then something is definately very wrong.
If he has a close friend that he shares things with, then talk to him and tell him about the problem, and ask him if he has said anything to him.

If not, or if he hems and hahs, then he does know something about the situation and feels uncomfortable telling you.

Now the one thing you must ask yourself is this, look in the mirror and be very critical, are you worth more than you are getting?

Do you look appealing to the opposite sex??

If the answer to those two question is yes, then Girl, you need to kick this guys butt to the curb.

Men as a general rule do not lose their interest in sex, unless they are ill, or they are having an affair, or their wives have let themselves go to seed, with an abundence of excuses. Or they have reached the age where it is no longer important to them, around 60 that starts.

And if you think for one minute that your children do not feel the tension between you and your husband, then your living in a dream world.

I personally feel that it is a big mistake to ever stay together for the kids.

I didn't do it, and it did present some problems. But in the long run, I still believe I made the right decision.

So take an HONEST look at your situation, and then you will know what to do.

My husband never wanted to have sex either, and it was very traumatic for me.

I do understand where you are coming from, and my heart goes out to you.
Just be very critical and honest, see yourself and your marriage as others see it.

You will make a good decision for yourself and your children if you are honest.
Good Luck and my prayers are with you.

What matters the most is that you are happy so that your kids are happy. Whether it happens with divorce, or counceling again, their well-being depends on your mental happiness. First of all, I could not live with the person that cheated on me, nor learn to ever trust him or others. I was in a situation like that with an ex-boyfreind of 4 years (no kids) and felt very rejected with the cheating (with my sister) and lack of any affection. I have since found the man of my dreams but still have no trust or confidence which I'm working on, but that never goes away. If your hurting, it is directly reflected towards your kids, and that will make it very hard on them. Never undermine your own happiness for routine. I also beleive that men will be men and if they aren't getting it at home, they are getting it elsewhere.

NEVER accept what isn't right in a marriage, NEVER.
Your children will only suffer as you and your husband are their example of seeing what a loving relationship is.
They pick up on tension and hurt.
If your husband refuses counselling, then you have to really decide. It isn't about giving up friends or changing your life, it is about you being happy, having your kids getting to witness you happy.
I left a bad marriage and am in a bad financial situation, every time I stress I remember the hurt and resentment that was in this house with a verbally abusive man and that I am so happy my kids don't have to see that! It was worth the trade off.
Your kids aren't better with two parents that are unhappy, they aren't! They deserve you both to be happy.
You need to one last time tell your husband this is serious, you will not accept a loveless, lack of intimacy marriage. He either needs to fight for his family or move out, period.
Do not underestimate the power you have to fix this, one way or the other.

Life will change, however it will be worth it in the end.
I would worry if he had an affair before he is very apt to do it again and don't rule out he still isn't. His excuses are pathetic and very unreal to me personally.

I am sorry, I am so sorry you are feeling what you are, but you should put what you need and want first, your kids will benefit in the end! Promise.

I agree with the others that you need support (professional counseling, not just helpful friends) for you not necessarily your marriage. I think you should stay together as long as you're both on good terms, make an arrangement about no cheating, and that should keep it mostly civil. Divorce is very tough on kids, no matter that everybody says they'll get through it. It's difficult getting used to two houses, new people in your adult lives, etc. I think the kids should be focused on kid-problems, not adult-problems. As long as you're both able to keep the focus on the children, then try to make it together. (Not even mentioning the financial problems you'll both encounter if you split.) You can always re-evaluate the situation later. A little tension is manageable, all-out war is unacceptable.

My parents went through a separation, dated others, then got back together (for me). I was in high school at the time, but it was just all too weird. Kids shouldn't have to worry about things like that.

I am not a pro, and I know you alredy went the therapy route, but in this case, I think it would be helpful to you to go to therapy just for yourself.. You need help to decide if this is the way you should choose to live your life, or if you should leave your husband. It seems to me that this is a very difficult way to live and that you need individual therapy to decide what to do.If you decide to live this way you need help to be able to cope with it. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I have a relative who is just going through the motions of marriage, with no real relationship. It is very sad when it gets to that point.

I have a different story for you, but maybe you can get something out of it. My inlaws had problems years ago. After having 6 kids, she was done with sex and with kids. She went back to work as a school teacher because those kids needed her more than hers did. And her kids all grew up knowing that her work kids were more important than her family. She refused sex with my father in law all together. And she had an addiction to shopping. So if she was not in school, she was shopping until all the stores closed. He found that he was mom and dad to those kids. They started living like roomies. He was going to divorce, but decided that his kids needed their mother not a step mother, so he stuck it out until the last of his kids left the house. All of his kids admire him for sticking it out and holding everything together. There was no fighting as my father in law is a peacemaker. He does not fight. They are still married. They have found the common ground to make it work. He has found joy in his grandchildren, and she still has her shopping and teaching. She is a "shopping" grandma and buys the kids all sorts of things. But she does not baby sit.
So for advice, I would say are you fighting? What will this do to your children? I realize there are a lot of "if your not happy neither are your kids" advice, but really does your husband give your kids time and attention? Do they love their father? Is he a good father to them?
And finally what will this do to you? Do you really think you can find happiness outside of this marriage? Are you sure you are not trading one problem for another?
List out your pros and cons to staying vs. leaving. Let him know what you are doing and then stick to your guns about what you decide. No one (even on mamasource) knows what you are going through or how this effects those around you...but you do and you are the only one that can answer the "what should I do" We can all give you advice, but as my father tells me, "there are always three sides of the story: His, Hers, and the Truth"! Good luck

This sounds all too familiar. You need to move on! You don't have to give up friends. If sound to me like your husband has a problem with pornography. If he is not interested in you, you need to let him know how you feel. Even if you still love the guy let him know that too. Pornography is the fastest way to destroy a marriage. If he is willing to get help and is committed to being married to you. Support him and help him as best you can. If not, your marriage is over. Don't stay together for the sake of your kids it could be more damaging to your family.