H.,
I'm so sorry to hear that you are having lonely issues, I was their myself.
First - No one can tell you when enough is enough.
Second - You can't change him you can only change yourself.
Third - Is this really the person that you married? or is this just who he has become? Have you told him that you don't like the new him and that you are lonely and you really would like to be with him and be a part of his and his kids lifes, but that you can't go on like this anymore.
My hubby and I didn't have the drinking problem. But what I have come to understand is this: When dating we pamper each other we do sweet things for each other (Mostly us women) we want to show our men how great we are so that they will want us. Then the kids happen and as women we see that they need more help then this grown up man. Kids need love & huggs, homework, play dates, sports, and so much more. So all our attention goes to them. Our sweet hubby's get but in the closet (so to speak). Then one day the kids are less work, and don't need our help anymore so we go to the closet to get out our wonderful hubby and guess what he's changed. He has started up his own hobbies and dealed with the loneliness his way. And is clueless to why we suddenly want his attention. We really can't blame them even though I did for a long time. Until I asked God to write the answer on the wall because I wasn't getting what I was suppost to learn from this. I had talked to my friends Hubby one day they were having issues also. That's when all this fell out of my mouth, after talking to him I went and prayed to thank the lord for writing it on the wall (so to speak). I finally understood why my hubby wanted nothing to do with me. So we had a big talk about the things that bothered me and the things that bother him. And agreed to work on this together. We started to do date nights every week, weather it's going to ice cream for an hour, or running arrands together where we were together in the car holding hands and talking. Remember we don't always have to talk this is why we married this person, because we could stand the silent times between us. When he was watching tv I would watch it with him and only talk about the show or what's on tv now days. This way he doesn't think that you are taking over his show with noise talk. Simply start butting yourself back in his life, not pushy though, he needs to get use to this slowly. (It's like having an island all to yourself then one day someone else gets stranded on your island and they start telling you to change everthing you have done for years to their way)(even though you know it won't work that way because you have tried it already). As far as going to family gatherings and anywhere else, stop lieing for him, it's him that looks bad not you. Simply say he's at home and didn't want to come. If they keep bugging you for info, say "you'll need to talk to him about that". Leave it at that. As for the drinking tell him that you would like to enjoy his company on your date night without him drinking because you miss the real him. There are alot of things that my hubby misses out on, because he doesn't want to leave the tv or computer. But Remember the 3 things at the begining. You can't change him just yourself, so be proud that you have become a great mother to his kids, and that you hold all these great memories. When you are dieing they will be their for you, when dad is dieing they'll remember how much giving he gave. He can change this fait. Hopefully when things are better between the 2 of you he'll open his eyes to his kids too. My hubby has always gone to the kids functions, but not been open to conversation with them so he really doesn't know them. I have noticed that he is finally after 2 years opening the doors of communication with them. I told him a few weeks ago after he had read my oldest's text about how she hates him. He said " I can't wait till she is 18 then she can get out, how ungreatful she is". I said, you need to think about this before saying anything to her. Because it matters to me, I want our kids to love home, I want them to come here for holiday's with their families. Do you really want our family to end like yours where we don't want to be with your mom because of the things she's done. He thought about it for 5 days then asked me to supervise his meeting with both his daughters, so we had a meeting, it went great everyone cryed and everyone is working on their part. Best of luck to you. This won't be easy just take it slow and move yourself in with him slowly. See if it works and let me know. Pray before and after for his eyes to be opened.J. (my prayers are with you)