Marriage Different than Expected

Try your best to put your marrage back together. Get a sitter and plan a night out alone with your husband. Go to dinner, talk, walk, hold hands. If you can get a sitter to take your kids overnight, then go home and make love like you did the very first time. Don't give up. Show him that you love him and that you want him and you want to be wanted too! Good Luck

I am not in the same spot as you, and it sounds very difficult. I am just wondering how direct you are with your husband. I say this because mine, as he says, needs neon lighted signs to know what is going on. We have less problems when I am just frank with him. I also just ask him to do tasks, I say things like I need help tonight, can you take out the trash?Or whatever the tasks are. I hope something works for you two. It's just has to be so tough with all that you have to do and how tired you are.

Something I have realized, which kinda sucks, is that you can only change yourself. You know what he is doing is wrong and unfair and selfish, but that won't change by you pointing it out. he won't change unless he wants to.

If you want your marriage to be better, I think you need to model how you want to be treated. My hubby will go forever without lifting a finger. But if he comes home and sees that I went the extra mile to clean, he tells me to put my feet up nad he'll take care of the baby for the night.

Your hubby is probably feeling like he isn't getting his needs met. I know (TOTALLY unfair when your needs are nowhere near met). But ask him if there is a problem. ask him if there is something he feels he isn't getting from you. Myabe he feels like you are not affectionate, so he doesn't feel motivated to help you out. There must be something driving his behavior. I would imagine that you are usually pointing out what he isn't doing and then he gets defensive. Let him do the talking this time. See what he says. maybe he will give you something you can work with. and hopefully if the lines of communication are open and you listen to him, he will be more willing to listen to you.

I don't want you to think I am saying it's your fault or it's your job to do the work. It's just that, you are asking the question and I can only tell you what to do. If he asked the question, I would tell him the same thing. He is probably the needier, more depressed one of the two of you. So as unfair as it is, it's you who needs to oppen the lines of communication and model the way you want to be treated.

Hi B.,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a tough time. I would be very frustrated and resentful in your situation as well.

I disagree with the last poster - your expectations are not high. Your expectations are very simple and appropriate. You want (and deserve) a partner not a roomate.

Is it possible that he's depressed?

Hi B.. I totally understand your frustration. My situation isn't as extreme as yours though - my husband generally is great if I insist that he get off his butt. We had two babies in 13 months (similar scenario, the only time we had sex in 3 months, I was exclusively nursing too) and it was very hard on our marriage. My husband has a lot of guilt, a lot of resentment/grudge-holding of an ex and his mother, and also a lot of attachment/abandonment issues. We all have stuff to deal with, of course. After our 2nd baby was born, my husband completely lost himself. It was horrible. Really really hard for all of us. I was very sick through the whole pregnancy, and then all of us except the newborn got the flu!, etc. It just kept getting worse and he fell apart.

I finally brought up counseling, which he of course resisted (this is very typical). I finally told him to talk to his regular doctor about what was going on, and SHE recommended counseling. 4 months later, I finally told him to make the call and get an appointment, or I would start to really want a divorce. I couldn't even believe I was saying this - I've already been divorced and it's a horrible experience. Plus I love him to pieces. But he made the appointment and turns out he has a major anxiety disorder plus a disease called LAZINESS (not a disease?). He's been in counseling for 4 months now and it's really helping us. We recently read some information about Dads getting PPD, and it being especially bad after a second child. I think partially this is true of my own husband, he just can't find the place in his heart for our second child, the way he loves our first. He will, eventually, but it's been very hard for us.

I guess, I'm writing to say you're not alone. Maybe that's not very helpful of me. One thing we did was make a grown-up chore chart. My husband is in charge of the kitchen/dining room and I am in charge of the laundry (including cloth diapers). We each have a bathroom to clean, and I'm in charge of the kids' bedrooms and he's in charge of ours. Sometimes I have to do some annoying nagging, but since we did this division of labor and he got on board, I'm at least not doing all the housework. You could also insist that if he's not going to help out around the house, he fork over money to hire someone to help!

Remind your husband that YOU will be a better wife and mother if HE will pick up some slack, figure out something romantic from time to time (besides getting you drunk so you can have sex, which is what my own husband thinks is romance), do his share of caring for the kids.

Many moms talk about how great their husbands are because they "help" so much. I think we should change our tune - men should not be helping, they should be doing!! Doing half the childcare, doing half the housework, doing half the loving. Of course there's the small problem that many men THINK they are doing half the work, when really they are doing 1/4 or less. When I first left my husband home alone for 4 days with both kids with no outside help (I had to go on a business trip), I came back to a very grateful and since then, DOING husband. He got a taste of what it's like to do everything. Not only is it not pretty, it's completely consuming.

Good luck to you. It's horrible to feel this way about your husband when you have kids together. If it's not going to work in the long run, don't stay together "for the kids". My parents did this, and it's truly not good for children to be living with two miserable people. Sorry I went on and on.

Honestly- I think the only chance you two have is with serious counseling. Every week, for an extended period of time. And find a new counselor! The real question is how much do you want it to work? Counseling won't help you if you don't really believe that you can be happy with your husband. I know you are so angry, and are feeling totally abandoned. Can you forgive him, if things start to get better? Can you let go of the past, in order to move forward? Hard choices, and you may decide that you need individual therapy as well, just to sort through all of this.

Occasional counseling, as it seems that you've tried, is not going to help you guys make the enormous changes you both have to make. If you think that the two of you can forgive each other for this hard, long period you've been through- then make the commitment, together, to love each other and make this work. Get weekly support. Forgive yourself, too. You've been through hell, and are stretched so thin!

And, right now, go sit next to him on the couch. Tell him you love him. Make the first move! He is probably feeling as lonely and frustrated as you are. I'm not saying it's justified, I'm just saying he's human.

My husband taught me that- in therapy! :)

Hi B.! I was once in your situation and let me tell you from begining to end is no picnic!
My husband changed after we had our second son.. Now mind you this child was very planned and conception occured our first try! Somewhere along the lines he sunk into a deep depression although to this day he won't admit that is what it was.. He no longer came to bed @ night he choose to sleep on the couch, he was no longer receptive to my romantic tries.. He stopped showering, and was not the best parent in the world. I offered for us to go get therapy however he was against it, he made appts to go for exams at our regular MD but never mentioned his symptoms. I just couldn't break through the wall that he created.. When I tell you for years I tried, I tried for years.. Finially I said enough is enough I was starting to slip into a funk myself and found myself miserable ... I had one last conversation with him and told him if he didn't put forth any effort to fix our marriage I was going to file for divorce.. No attempt by him was made, so I filed for divorce and a month after I filed I took the kids and moved out.. And you know what? It's the best thing I ever did.. Was it a hard choice? of course.. But when your 4 yr old notices that mommy and daddy don't cuddle and kiss, something is really wrong! My boys are well adjusted and him and I are best friends. We are both with other people and although his symptoms are not completely gone, he is no longer my problem and I am much happier not being his wife!
I say you gotta do what is best for you and your kids! Trust me nothing is worse then spending years feeling unloved, and unwanted! The only thing I would have done different??? I would have left sooner!
Good luck!

I know what that is like. Mine is much different then planned as well. I will offer a few short words. No person can meet all your needs, desires and expectations, don't lay that burden on anyone. Don't burden yourself with meeting all his needs either. You can only change your thoughts and actions. Make time for your marriage to grow, going from couple to parents quickly really changes things, I understand. Date the man. I personally don't believe in divorce unless lives are in danger. I don't plan on giving up. I would rather believe that our marriage is life long commitment. Hard times come, please keep looking for hope and support in other women who desire the same things you do.

B.

I too feel like we're walking in the same shoes. Unfortunately, after going to counseling off and on over a two year period (three different counselors), things have not changed and I am walking away. My situation is a bit stickier.

I could go on and on but this is your time/question. I agree with one of the responses and echo that you need to be clear about what you want and expect from the marriage. If he can't fulfill all you needs, walk sooner than later. It'll be better for the children if you indeed part.

Best of luck. I truly hope you make amends and find happiness in your marriage. Keep us posted! -A.

Hi B.,

I don't know anyone whose marraige turned out the way they thought it would. All marraiges have their ups and downs. I've never fallen out of love with my husband (married 16 years) so it's difficult to tell you how to fall in love again, but I can give you a few things to think about.

You never had a chance to be a married couple. We're you together along time before getting married? Did you live together first?

Is he ready to be a father? Did you discuss having children? It doesn't sound like you planned on the second child, this could put an extreme amount of stress on any marraige.

By going to counceling (even if you had to drag him) it would appear that he also wants the marraige to work. Keep up the marraige counceling. Think about changing councelors.

How is his job going? Does he just work 40 hours a week? If he's working a lot of OT or 2 jobs, he may feel exhausted too. I'm not saying that he shouldn't help out, but if you understand what his feeling and issues are, maybe it will help your situation.

Try making some time for just the 2 of you. Maybe a friend or relative can take the kids for an evening. Do something that you did before you were married. Go out to your favorite restaurant.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

Dear B.,

I am so sorry for the way you are feeling I was a divorced and single mother with a nineteen month old boy myself. He is now 24 and I am remarried for 19 years now and have a daughter with my current husband. Before you throw in the towel, because divorce is no picnic either I do have some suggestions. Sometimes we have to force people not through words through actions to give us the things we need. I think with some men they think we are just nagging, or have PMS (which would piss me off even more) when it is us just needing to be cared for too. I am not sure about you but I am a very self sufficient, independent person who likes to take charge, therefore I think our husbands think we have it all under control and they don't have to help. So I say schedule your own time out and just do it. Leave him with the kids don't ask just go. Go get a manicure, pedicure, facial what ever is going to make you feel good. Start taking care of you do not wait for him to do it because most men do not know how. I have learned in my 49 years that I am responsible for my own happiness and if someone doesn't hear me I will make sure they listen. If you go out he will have to take care of the kids. Maybe you should start acting as he does and let him see how it feels. When he walks in the door at night from work say see you honey I am just going out for a while the kids just need to be bathed and I will see you later. Go and walk around the mall if you have to but show him that you need to be heard. You said he is a great dad well now let him show it. Maybe you have to teach him to be a great husband. I am telling you it does not come natural to most men. I am not sure what kind of man his father was but most times men learn what they lived. My current husband's father cooked, cleaned, and weighed on my mother-in-law and worshiped the ground she walked on and I must say my husband is a wonderful man he would do anything for me and my kids. My son is from my first marriage and he calls my current husband dad they are very close. I am very fortunate, however if you can salvage your marriage try to because divorce is not easy on the children, and it is not easy to be a single mom. What is happening to you is your love is turning to resentment because your expectations are high(rightfully so) and your husband is not living up to them. I think he needs a wake up call and maybe you can open his eyes up before its to late. I hope this helps. Good luck!!!