Marriage and Children Away from Family or Neither Close to Family?

First it sounds like you'll make a good wife and great mom, you're already doing your research. Kudos to you!

I live in CT, my hubby's family and RI and mine in CA. The RI group doesn't come to visit us (even though we're an hour away) and my parents only come out once maybe twice a year. We make the effort to go see the RI family as much as we can but with two little ones it can be tough. We also try to get out to CA once a year but it can get expensive. I won't lie it's hard and there have been many times that I feel like I'm all alone.

We stay in touch on the phone, facebook, email and sending cards with pictures constantly. I show pictures of my parents, siblings, cousins and grandparents and talk about them so even though my girls don't get to see them, they "know" them. For the most part it's worked. When my mom comes out to stay with us in the summer, my oldest picks up like they've never been apart.

Also, in my case, some of the family members are crazy, really they're nuts, so it's kinda nice to be so far away! It can also help if there's family drama, you're removed from it being in your face so you don't really have to experience it. :-)

Best of luck!

Seems like working out this issue will tell you and your BF A LOT about how you will function as a married couple. Only you and he can make the final decision about what you are and are not willing to do. Right now I suggest that you focus on the process of coming to a comfortable decision together. The solution does not have to be final forever especially depending on when you plan to start your family. Would you want to stay in his hometown a few years and then start a family? Stay there a few years and then move back to be close to your family etc. Put all the options on the table and have an honest discussion. If you can do that without getting into big fights you will be on the right track. Good Luck!!

We are 5 hours from our closest family. We didn't move.. but our families did. Ironically, they all live within an hour or so of each other (both sides of the family)... except for us. (We met and married after our respective families moved further north).

I grew up within 20 minutes of my mom's parents, but I never felt especially close with them, or with any of my cousins. We saw them a few times during the year.. that was about it. So I definitely wanted our kids to know and have a relationship with their grandparents and cousins. They do. We go up there to visit, and they (not all at once, but hubby's brother and his wife; his mom; my mom & dad, my brother and his wife/kids; his aunt/uncle, etc) come down and stay long weekends with us on occasion. We see "the family" on average about 3 or 4 times a year. And our kids LOVE and KNOW their grands. And their aunts/uncles/cousins.

I think that proximity can be a big factor, but it is not the ONLY nor even the most important factor.
You do need to have these discussions with your future spouse (whomever that might end up being...). It is one of those long-term lifestyle kinds of compatibility issues that you need to address. If one of you wants to spend every day off work visiting family and one of you wants every vacation to be a trip to the mountains, the Florida keys, Disney, et al, without any extended family... then you will have problems.
We spent a lot of years mostly "vacationing" at or with family. Most of the time, we were day-trip distance away from some attraction (the mountains, a theme park, whitewater rafting, etc) so that we could still have our "true vacation" time AND visit with family. And camping out with relatives with small children isn't always smooth sailing--- some relatives are more easy going about things than others... lol

Life is what you make it. And not where the road takes you, but who you're traveling with.

Hi - You've already received a lot of good answers, but here's my story: we live in MA, my family is 2 hours away in CT and my in laws are 5 hours away in PA. We see both families at least once a month. We either drive down there or they drive up here. At first, it was a royal pain, but now I really don't mind the 5-hour drive so much. Both sets of grandparents were able to drive up in time to be at the hospital when my son was born. As long as you and your family are willing to travel equally, I think you'll get plenty of face time to establish a substantial relationship. As others mentioned, there are webcams and SKYPE to fill in the gaps. Even the plain old telephone works fine when your child is old enough to talk. My 2 year old son now asks to call MomMom, Pop, Grammy and Papa!

Good luck and don't stress. Live in the moment--it sounds like things are going really well for you right now!

Best,
A.

Hi - I am the mother of a daughter who lives 5 hours away by plane - and yes it is hard and we would love to have her close by to her siblings and us to help with the baby and she is pregnant again - but she is extremely happy with her husband and the area she lives so we have to keep that in mind. We do the next best thing - we travel back and forth during the year and they do also - talk alot on telephone and skype - does she miss us - yes she does but it all works out.

You'll be fine. Lots of people raise their families without their own family nearby. I live in CT and my family is out in Idaho. We keep in touch by phone, email, facebook, etc. I am not terribly close with my parents so maybe I shouldn't really be responding to this question, but just wanted to let you know that you'd be fine as long as you're happy where you are. Are your parents willing to travel? (mine aren't.) They could always come stay with you for quick weekends while wedding planning, dr.'s appts (if you become pregnant) that sort of thing.
Lynsey

My Family lives in Europe and my husbands family is on the East Coast (we're in Seattle).
I moved her to be with my husband, but let me tell you, it is not easy. Even after 7 years I still miss my family and it makes me sad that my daughter will not growing up being close to her cousins from either side or probably ever REALLY get to know her Grandparents. We stay in touch as much as possible by Skype and phone - but it is not the same.
We are occasionally thinking about moving closer, at least to his family, but we also like were we live...

During the first year our marriage was very fragile, because I was very unhappy and felt lonely. I would definitely suggest that you give your relationship at least a couple of years to grow and strengthen, before you have children. I am happy we did.
Good luck.

Sounds like he does have everything. So you need to decide if you really want to make a life with him there. Do you like his parents, cousins, aunts and uncles - around which the holidays, birthdays, etc will rotate. One marries in to a family - and in to a whole community where you are. There is no way it is healthy to think, 'well, we'll marry, have kids and then he'll see that it's my turn to do what I want and he'll agree to move'. People don't change - they become more of who they have always been.

Also, I'd make getting married a priority - all the statistics show that living together is worse for a stable marriage.

Lastly, think about the big picture of marriage, children and paid profession. You are only able to bear children for a few more years - fertility drops off fast at 35, esp. if you have been on birth control for a few years. There is a window of opportunity for giving birth to and raising children. Once they are off on their own, there are decades to devote to paid professional work. But giving birth to and raising healthy happy children is a profession in its own right. Nobody else will care about your children like you do.

So, I'd focus on if this is the man you want to raise children with primarily. If you aren't willing to stay in that town, ask him outright if he is willing to move to your area.

Hard stuff. But better to face it head on earlier than later.

well, I don't know if this is what you're looking for in an answer, but my mom was in the military when I was growing up, so we did not live near our family. That being said, we visited as often as we could, and family visited us as often as they could. I am closer to my extended family than any of my cousins are...I think maybe because my parents DID make such a big deal about family being important, and my aunts/uncles didn't need to point it out because they lived in the same town and just figured it was a given? I now live very far from my parents (they are currently in Africa) and it is very difficult as a parent especially when you see others' children going and spending time with grandparents, etc. My parents visit twice a year at least, for a few weeks-it is hard, but there really is no other choice for us right now. We did make great family friends that we still consider to be family, my kids and I spent this past Thanksgiving with a family we aren't related to, but love keeps us coming back :)

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter what you choose/decide, it will probably work out okay. Everyone will do their best, and quality REALLY IS better than quantity, although I know as humans we often wish for both.

My parents and my brother and his family are in California and my family is in New York. It is hard - especially for me. I miss terribly the fact we can't join them for family functions. My brother's kids are the same age as mine and they have so much fun when they are together, but it can't be often. My biggest heartbreak was that I couldn't get to California to even meet my niece until she was 16 months old, because she was born one week after I had my twins. My beautiful picture of the six little cousins together is one of my most treasured possessions. Do I wish I lived closer - hell yes!

But - I have tons of emotional support from my mom. I email her every day - she knows all the funny/trying things that happen with my kids. Also, my 4 1/2 year old daughter feels quite close to her grandparents. They visit and stay in our house for awhile, they talk on the phone, I have yet to use Skype...but what I really think helps is that I talk about them a lot. Your child will know about and care about the things and people you love if you share that. My daughter has a "relationship" with her great grandmother who died almost 20 years before she was born because I told stories about her and gave her clothes and stuffed toys that my grandma made for me. My own mother told me that she realized as an adult that she didn't see her paternal grandparents very many times at all because they lived quite a few states away. She said she always felt like she "knew them" because of the stories her dad told her.

It is a hard road...especially for you...but it isn't impossible. There are ways to form relationships without close proximity.

dear future mom ,,,,My name is B. (40 years old)I have not been in your situtation but I am the child of your situation .When my mom got married she and my father moved 600 miles away from any known relatives ,,Started a new life and then became pregnant with me of course I believe that this was hard for her ,,,That is why when she came to term she went back home to give birth to have some support and family around her to this day I believe that she made the right choice so ther is a solution for every situation ,,,I did not grow up unhappy because I didnt always have my grandparents aunts or uncles around ,,,But the joy was just greater when the holidays or vacation time came around and we would visit ......god bless ps back then we had no webcams or blogs ....So actually you are lucky ...Would have been fun to chat with grandma back then

First of all, have you talked to your boyfriend about this and is he willing to move at some point? If not, then that is something you have to consider in your relationship before you think about anything else.

While I didn't grow up in a small town, I was pretty much raised in the same house until the day I moved in with my husband, then boyfriend at the time. I never thought I'd leave the state I grew up in. My mom raised me as a single mom and I have no siblings so my mom and I are VERY close. My husband, on the other hand, couldn't wait to leave our state. He wanted a new adventure and it never felt like "home" to him. I had to decide if I would be willing to move with him at some point and he had to decide if I didn't, if he would be willing to stay where we were. Do you see what I'm saying? I don't know if he will or not, but if your boyfriend won't even discuss this with you, that would raise flags with me because I would wonder if that is how he would be when it came to marriage issues, house issues, child issues, etc. and trust me, there will be plenty of them! Marriage has to be a team effort and we have to make compromises sometimes. I just wanted to put that out there because that is just as important as your question about family.

I can tell you, I finally agreed to move out of state (400 miles away) 6 1/2 years ago. It took us a while to make friends and while we have some great ones now, the friendships don't compare to the ones we left behind. It is very much just my husband and me with our children. If anything, we have learned to depend on each other for everything so our relationship has grown stronger but I cannot tell you how sad I was every first day of school when other grandparents would come to see the kids off and my mom was nowhere around or grandparents/VIP(erson) day at school or the day my middle son had his kindergarten moving up ceremony. That day really killed me because my husband's job sent him away on a business trip that they just decided on 2 weeks before. They didn't care about our son's big day and my husband couldn't risk losing his job. It was too late to buy plane tickets for my mom as they would have been expensive. The only people there for the ceremony were my youngest son and me. Soccer games, swimming lessons, field trips...because it means I don't have family to watch my youngest so I can go on field trips. My middle son actually got upset about this a couple of months ago and now my oldest is going on a field trip next week that once again, neither my husband nor I can go on. These are just some of the concerns...my grandmother died a year after I moved so she only got to see my second son a handful of times compared to her memories with my oldest. Every time my mom ends up in the hospital because she has a bad heart, it is very difficult because especially having children in school and no support to count on, I can't just drop everything and go to the hospital. My mom missed my third son's birth because she had just gotten out of the hospital and wasn't permitted to travel yet. She didn't meet him until he was about 2 months old which I know broke her heart but you aren't supposed to travel with a child less than 4 weeks old and by then, school had started.

My husband and I are actually very stressed right now trying to decide what to do for our future. Right now we live in a very safe, beautiful area and the kids go to an absolutely wonderful school. (Safety is something I am guessing you have being in such a small town and you will find that is important when you have children.) On the other hand, we miss our friends back home who were always there whether it was for a birthday party, my mom in the hospital, or anything. We know it will be harder to get the area and schools we have here so we are horribly torn. Oh...when I talk about friends...here is an example of our relationships...back home, if I tell people we are coming for a visit on this day, they are there just like they always were. Here, I have to talk to the families who are most important when it comes to birthday parties and make sure the date works for them first. Back home, my best friend of 30 years has stepped in when my mom has been in the hospital because she knows I can't always be there. A friend of my HUSBAND'S has become my mom's "adopted son" in a way taking care of any maintenance she needs help with. We have very blessed friendships back home but we find ourselves debating is it more important to have that support for our family or to live in a safe area with good schools for our children. Back home my mom could stay in her house because it's paid for. To move her up with us would mean us having to buy a multi family house because it's too expensive but my mom is willing to move. I am just not sure we would even be able to afford a house like that up here. I don't know if that's an option for your parents.

I wish you the best and I think it's great you are trying to figure this out BEFORE you end up in the situation. I probably made things worse for you but you sound like me with your parents so I'm being honest with you about what we have gone through. If you ever want to talk, feel free to send me a message.

Good luck A..

L.

We live 300 miles from my in-laws and 600 miles from my family. It would be nice to be closer, for our kids to play with their cousins and to see their grandparents more. With the economy the way it is, Indiana's a much better place for us than DC or Cleveland.

My advice to you is to keep your family dear in your heart and to make the decision that is best for you. It's hard not to have grandparents available to babysit and to have to take the kids with us everywhere. But, it's the life we chose, and we accept it.

What I'm going to say will sound harsh, and I don't mean for it to - I just can't find a better way to say it. So, here goes. Eventually, you'll need to cut the cord and create your own nuclear family.

With things like Skype, it's SO much easier to "see" people and feel a closeness when there are many miles apart. We chose not to move to one of the cities in which our parents live because we didn't want the time with the kids to be lopsided and for jealousy to reign supreme.

In the end, you'll know what's right for you - just make sure to talk it ALL through with your boyfriend now. Once kids come, it's a completely different ball game.

This is a tough thing, but it's not uncommon. We live about 1 hr from my family, but about 14 hours from my husbands'. It would be great if we could be closer to both, but it's not in the cards. One thing we always remember is that this isn't forever. This is where we are NOW, but it is probably not where we'll be in 5 year, or even 2 years. Just remember this is a season in your life -- you might move back to where your family is or to China -- who knows!

I do think it's really important to speak with your boyfriend about this before making a big commitment like engagement. Don't feel like you need to figure out your plan, but make sure that he knows how you feel, you know how he feels and you're both open to working out solutions that work for both of you. But again, remember that for many of us, where we live at 25 is not where we'll live at 35 or 45, so don't feel like you need to figure out the next 20 years upfront! Also, remember that, if you do get married and start a family, the most important thing is what is best for your FAMILY unit, not just for you or your husband, so these kinds of conversations require a lot of selflessness.

As far as coping with being away from family, I can tell you that I talk to my family nearly every day. My mom is my best friend and I used to see her all the time, but now that we live 1 hr away, it's more like once every 1-2 months. However, we adjusted. We're still as close as ever, we just stay in touch differently. While it may feel weird and lonely in the beginning, you'd be surprised how well you can adjust. Also keep in mind that if/when you have a child, grandparents like to be around! My grandparents drove from OH to TX for the birth of all 3 of my parents' kids and my husband's parents are coming a similar distance for the birth of our baby. It's not the same a them jut being able to drop by, but I'm sure we'll see a lot more of them once there is a grandbaby to lure them here. :) I have good friends in NJ whose parents live in Georgia and Louisiana, and they've been there for the births of their children and they visit several times a year -- plus our friends visit them several times a year. Most people can make time and find money for the things that matter to them, and if that is family, I'm sure you will make it work.

I can tell you about my experience moving/living 6 hours away from my family. My husband lived with me in my home town/area for about 6 years. He then decided he wanted to move back to his home area to be near his family. I gave up my dream job to go with him. I was very lonely at first. When I had my daughter, I joined a mothers group. I met the best friends of my life there. Recently, we were faced with a situation where mt husband was possibly getting transfered back to my home area. I did not want to go. I have made a life here and have the most amazing friends here. To me, that was not worth giving up to be near my family. I do not have a big family, so that is a consideration. It might be different for you. What I'm getting at is it turned out better, living here, than I could have imagined. You and your boyfriend need to make some decisions now though, that will affect your future.
You and your boyfriend need to discuss what will happen in the future. You both need to think about what you want as individuals, and then talk about how that will merge if you decide to get married. It may not seem that important now, but it will be in the future. If you end up miserable there, is he will to move some where else? If your career "takes off", is he will to move with you if need be? What about his job? Is your family able to come visit you or are you able to visit them? Could you pick some where in between the two families? Hopefully the two of you can come to some decisions that will allow for flexability in the future. It's better to decide now, than be unhappy later on when it's much harder to change the situation. I wish you the best of luck and hope it all works out!

How does your boyfriend feel? Its one thing to live a life when you aren't married and there are no kids involved. My husband and I lived in California then Vermont but once we decided to get married we moved back to NJ where our families are. We are lucky enough to have grown up in the same town. Now that we have a child (3yrs old) we can imagine even living so much as an hour away b/c our parents are soooo involved in our life. We really rely on them for a lot. With that said WE ARE SACRIFICING OUR LIFE big time b/c of it...we miss living in a city or a cool town like we used to. We are in TRUE SUBURBIA with very little character - the best thing we have and that keeps us sane is that we live near the beach. Its very hard and I think whatever you decide you have to realize its going to be a sacrifice one way or another. You and your boyfriend just need to decide how much you can sacrifice. Once you get married and have a child, its amazing how hard it is...we tell ourselves that what we are doing is best for our child and any future children right now and we hope one day we can live for ourselves again - its difficult but I also know that we could pick up live in a cool town that we love too but then we'd be dealing with the difficulty of not having our family close by. Its really up to you and your boyfriend what you want to live with...I work full time so there is NO WAY that I could not have the close support and help of my families.