Marital Question

I think you are due for a vacation, don't you? I think after a nice long week away from the family, this argument will become moot.

He gets to leave his work at work when he comes home - you are on 24/7. I would remind him of that. But like another mom said on here, you are comparing apples to oranges and as long as both of you are arguing over who has it harder, you'll never truly feel like partners in marriage.

I would also set aside a day or 2 where you "disappear" and he is left in charge of the kids, and is expected to have a real dinner on the table AND have the house cleaned up as well. Then see if this changes his tune.

Well its one thing if he is being basically derogatory or condescending about it... or if that is just his honest (ignorant) opinion on it.
Mind you "opinion" is NOT "fact."

This is a common... male malady. In couples. In marriages.

My Husband was like that.
We've been married 13 years.
My oldest is 8.
It took him YEARS... to get it... that Mommy-hood is not easy.

Leave him... to baby-sit... one weekend. See if he can handle that.

The bottom-line is: It should NOT be a "competition" about who has the more stressful/tiring "job."
HE should be showing some respect... for what you do.
I mean it... leave him home to baby-sit.
YOU should be getting at least once a week "me time" to do what you want... on your own. "Schedule" that INTO your calendars.
Do NOT NOT NOT "ask permission" if this is okay with him. Just do it.
You are NOT lower on the totem pole... from him, just because he 'works' and you don't.

BETTER yet: SHOW HIM... all of the responses you got back... from your posting here.

And you do not have the luxury of having family here... with you. That can be lonely as well.... He should understand that....

all the best,
Susan

The best way to fix him is to let him walk a mile in your shoes. Plan a Saturday out and I mean ALL day. Manicure, Pedicure, lunch with a friend, Christmas Shopping, movie, whatever you want to do. It will give him a different perspective when you get home. I was sick one day when my kids were little, and I couldn't get out of bed. My husband had to stay home he had a completely different view on being a stay at home parent after that. Good luck!! I was a stay at home mom for 15 years so I get it.

I too am a sahm mom who babysits three other children in addition to our 2.5 yo. And I'm pregnant. It can be very tiring and stressful, demanding, crazy....
I used to complain on a regular basis that my husband said the same thing. I don't "work" like he does, don't make the money that he does, have to drive two hours daily like he does, and support our family like he does. Well, this quarter (he works on a college campus) he got stuck with 2 days a week having a 12pm-8pm shift which means in the am before work he stays home with me and all the kiddos. He now agrees with everything I say my "job" is, And treats me with a little more respect.
We don't argue about who's job is more stressful. I know his job is stressful and demanding too (IT field) and I know that he gets to sit in a quiet room for more than half his day and gets regular breaks and gets to go to the bathroom alone, but I try not to say too much because the argument just isn't worth it.
Try and have your husband take over your roll for a day and see if that allows him access to the mommy world! Just one day isn't usually enough (they won't do everything we do on a daily basis unless forced!) but it'll be a good start! Maybe then he'll understand your standpoint and maybe the arguments will stop.
I was in the financial business for years before I was a sahm, and I agree it was stressful! But knowing the stress that I know now as a sahm & babysitter that was much easier! (in my opinion!)
Good luck- and yes, if it doesn't lessen just try to brush off the comments you may hear and know that you could never be replaced with all you do as a wife and sahm! Try to give yourself some alone quiet time on a regular basis! You need it, and deserve it!
Take care!

Have him take care of the kids by himself all day just ONE day of the weekend and he'll most likely change his tune. My husband was a stay at home for a little bit (not by choice) and he was going crazy. We discussed me possibly being a stay at home in the future if and when he got a job (b/c i actually want to stay home) and he said he'd be fine with me being stay at home but still enrolling our son in daycare part-time to give me a break b/c its just SO much work. he sympathizes with all stay at home moms now. its kind of funny to hear him commiserate sometimes with the ladies ;)

I agree that both of your jobs are important and that yours is more exhausting in some ways than his, but his is more exhausting that yours in some ways.

Comparing who does more work is a good way to always be fighting. You both just want to be respected and appreciated, so start saying nice thank yous and such to your husband and he will follow and start thanking you.

Ugh! I hear you. My husband took today off to make turkey for our daughter's class (very sweet), but then he was home with the 2 kids for the rest of the day. I came home a little while ago and the house looked like a war zone. When I raised my eyebrows at the kitchen counter piled with dishes and garbage, he got all defensive, "This is the first time I've sat down all day!" Like I have no idea what it's like to be the one home with the kids. Find some reason to be gone for a day (or even just half a day) when he's home and see how easy he thinks it is after that!

Just because a Mother doesn't get a hefty salary for her work as a child care provider, nurse, teacher, psychologist, recreational director, household manager, laundress, chef, maid and chauffeur - doesn't mean a Mother doesn't do a SH*TLOAD of work - much more than someone in an office job does (even in management!).

Tell him to sit down and write down everything you do for your children, your family and your relationship. Hopefully he'll have the balls to own up to his arrogant mistake and start helping you out a bit more at home and stop whining!

My husband thought that I stayed home and watched TV and ate bon-bons all day - until he got laid off work when our 2nd was only 5 months old.

He was home for six weeks and got a WHOLE new perspective on what a SAHM is! I would suggest you go away for a week - WITHOUT the kids and have him take vacation and take care of the house and kids....I know it sounds mean and horrible but he needs to walk in your shoes for a bit before he can complain about whose job is more important.

You are raising kids. He is bringing home the bacon - both equally important jobs - however, both VERY different. He needs a reality check.

Tell him that taking care of 2 human beings is far harder and more important than any kind of work. He gets a lunch break! Meetings with adults, gets to check his email, go to the bathroom when he wants, etc, etc.
I wonder who needs to more sleep, who needs to be more alert, more on top of their game? A mom who is taking care of 2 HELPLESS children or man who has other people at work to help him out!

I've been in both 'worlds'. Being at home... Is WAY more difficult as in draining of the body and boost in frustration.

My husband understands why I enjoy working. He even said that if we could afford for one of us to stay home, he'd take on that role.

However... I'd have to say that you both need to appreciate each other for what you guys do everyday. Sometimes taking notice of the little things and vocalizing the appreciation will FAR outweigh the 'My job's harder than yours' comparison and argument!!!

Start out today with saying, 'Thank you honey.' When he asks why you're thanking him, tell him, 'Because I know you hate leaving at X in the am and not being able to watch your children grow to provide for all of us.' 'And I know that there are people out there that can't have what we do... because of you, we can.'

That WILL get his attention. That WILL make him recognize and appreciate what you do. You WILL benefit from simply 'sucking it up' once in a while and showing that you KNOW what he does... He'll show you that HE knows what YOU do.

Trust me... It really does work...

I got a back and leg massage last night for saying, 'thanks honey for putting the dishes in the dishwasher and taking out the trash.'

Time to get him up to speed! Plan a day when you're up and out of the house by about 7 a.m. Stay busy all day til about 9 p.m. This will solve your problem.

I know where you are coming from, my hubby and I have the same conversation and I worked in the financial world for years prior to having children. I was a manager at a big 4 accounting firm and was all over town/country for clients and I was always rated one of the top performs so you know I worked my butt off and I still think being at home with the kids is the absolute hardest thing I've ever done. My personality type is to give 200% no matter what I'm doing, so maybe I'm making it harder than it as to be. I guess I feel this way b/c it's so dang important to me (not like some silly financial report). I think our hubbies mistakenly think that b/c we make the home run so smoothly it must be easy so take it as a compliment. When my husband starts making comments I always ask him if he wants to switch roles (I made more than him when I was working so it's not an empty threat) and he'll back down pretty quick. Just remember the grass is always green for both of you. I know my husband works hard so I try to acknowledge that too, but I refuse to let him belittle my contribution to the family. The best thing you can do to get him to understand your contribution is to give him a whole day with the kids, I mean ALL day and I beat he'll be singing a different tune. Just because we aren't paid doesn't mean we aren't valuable. Good luck to you and I'm sure your hubby does appreciate what you do, it's just hard working full time too.

on a Saturday, get up before him, leave a list, and leave. He'll learn pretty quick how hard it is.

OMG... you are my twin...LOL i have the same issue and my argument was yesterday. some Men just don't get it.i don't really get it.. i have a 8 week old too she my first i know u have two so ur mommy duties are double. all i can say is being a stay at home M. is alot of work and unless our men are put in our shoes they will never understand.

Yes definitely it's not easy being a stay at home mom. I myself was for 3 yrs...having two kids 18 months apart and it was not easy. I had to cook, clean the house, bathe kids, and myself if i had a chance before hubby got home. They actually need to experience it for them to know that being a stay at home mom is a full time job. Maybe one day that your hubby is home you can take a break and explain to him that you're home all day with the kids and doing house chores and that you need a breather. And then he could stay home with the kids and he'll see how it is. Well Good Luck!

1) Learn new ways of communicating.
This does not need to be an argument.
It needs to be a mutually respectful discussion of what's what.
2) Show him the answers to this item.
I say this without even having read these yet.
Use a weekend day to have him shadow you all day
to see what you day is like, up close and personal.
Especially with such a young baby.
I presume you are nursing on demand.
3) Don't argue any more.
Use reflection and feedback.
Speak to one another with love and respect.

Let him keep them for a wknd.... and dont forget to leave a detailed daily calendar of what he needs to do and when, and dont forget to leave some blank space for all the "unexpected" things that crop up and mess with your half way planned daily schedule on a regular basis. :)

This is an age-old struggle.
He sees that you get to stay home. You don't have to leave the house and be "on" at work for a boss and clients.
You see it that he at least gets to escape and you're stuck doing everything all by yourself at home.
Both are demanding. But, it will never be equal because it simply can't be.
They are not the same things.
I've been a stay at home mom and a working single mom. I have to say that I'd give anything to have a husband who worked so I could stay home. I like working, but I've had to miss so much because I have to work. Making arrangements for someone to watch my kids because there's no school and I have to be somewhere else. I don't even have a husband to gripe at for not helping me enough or argue over who does more. I do it all.
I'm not negating your feelings, I'm just saying that worrying about proving a point over who has it more stressful within your marriage is a waste of energy.
If your husband truly thinks it's so easy to have the kids, trade for a day or so.
But, seriously, talk to him about it not being a competition.
You're comparing apples to oranges and it never works.

Best wishes.

So many men think like your husband. I don't know when it is going to happen, but hand him the kids on one of his days off and disappear. Funny how they start to understand. And get a video of Mr. Mom and replay that over and over and over. He'll get the picture. Sorry, you work more than any human being on earth and there isn't an end to your day every.

Many others have already said it, but you have to leave him alone with both kids and all house duties for 2 or 3 days in a row! Make sure the pantry and fridge are both empty so he will have to plans meals and go to the grocery store along with cleaning the house while taking care of the kids. Bless you Momma! We all know how hard it is to be a Momma, whether you work in the home or out of the home!

why don't you just agree to disagree. Are you arguing because he doesn't help out or because he says his job is more stressful. Both jobs are stressful, but we can't always escape ours. ;)

Go away for a few days and let him do your job. I did that, and my husband will never again assume I do not work hard.

This is a no brainer. No more arguing with him. It is time to show him. One Saturday when he is home, you leave early in the morning and stay out until the time he would usually come home. Let him take care of the kids and give him a list of things you want done too like cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc. Once he has had a full 10 hour minimum day of this he may have some added insight into what you do as a wife and mother and all those other titles too numerous to mention.

On this day off for you, go to the movies, don't call the house (you may weaken), go shopping for something for yourself, perhaps some sexy lingerie you can entertain him with when you get in wanting sex because at the end of this day you still have "needs" too. ;-)

Keep us posted. Thanks.