Do You and Your Husband Respect Each Others' Roles?

Off the wall suggestion - is it possible that he's very unhappy in his job, misses the kid and is jealous of you?

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I feel for you, the way your husband is acting is inconsiderate at best. My husband works 82 plus hours a week and would never dream of disrespecting my position in our household as SAHM. I think your husband is confused as to what it is exactly moms are good at?

My b/f didn't always seem to value what I did as a stay at home mom.
I HAD to become one. I had a job when my son was born. A great job that I loved.
I cut my hours down to 3 nights a week for 4 hours each night.
My b/f couldn't handle our son even for that short period of time.
So I had to quit. I was pissed.

So now I've been at home for about three years now. I love that I get to spend that time with my babies.
My b/f had made comments in the past like "I wish I had your job" or "I wish I could stay home and relax all day"
I would get SOOO pissed at those comments.
So one day I finally told him, FINE we can switch.
I told him that for One Sat. He would do what I do all day and I would leave the house. He had to get the kids out of bed, feed them, do laundry, clean, make dinner everything.
I went out to have some alone time.
After about 3 hours he was calling me begging me to come home.
I said "I thought you said you wanted to stay home and do what I do all day. so you could "relax""
I came home and he apologized. He just honestly didn't realize what it took to be home all day with 2 kids and a house to take care of.
I had to remind him, several times, that I never WANTED to quit my job, that I did it because HE COULDN'T do what I did.

I also wrote down a very in depth list of everything I did in a day
such as:
6:30am get baby out of bed
6:35 feed baby
7:00 get son out of bed
7:10 make breakfast
7:45 clean kitchen
and so on throughout the ENTIRE day

I would get so pissed because he works as a computer tech. BUT he spends most of his work day playing World of Warcraft.
I always thought...*and have said to him*
"Gee how hard it must be for you to get paid to play games, sit at a desk and hangout with your buddies"
Finally he realized he did NOT want to switch places with me.
I've told him many times that he would NEVER be able to do what I do all day. He can NOT handle stress, especially the stress of loud kids.

Wow. Don't forget--you have a say in your own life.

I work PT, and my husband KNOWS what I do when I'm home. He likes to *think* he could do it, but deep down, I think he knows he couldn't. He likes to think he has the harder job, but that's probably debatable.

Maybe you need to clear the decks for an entire weekend day or weekend (if you can swing it). Sounds like your husband needs a reality check of what's involved in caring for a child ALL day and evening.

Oh--I wouldn't rush into putting Josh & Anna on a pedestal of "ideal couple" either! LOL I know it was an example of mutual respect, but remember their pre-wedding hand-pawing? LOL Still grosses me out just thinking about it!

I'm sorry you're going through this..it sounds like a very stressful situation. It seems like this issue has been going on for a little while, to the point where the small issues escalate quickly, and there is resentment over the bigger problems. Maybe you should sit him down and lay it out. There has to be a compromise somewhere (regarding the job problem). Ask him what he wants, what would make him happy. Tell him what you want and would make you happy. Then figure out where you both can give in a little. Show him daycare rates, show him what the cost would be versus if you stayed home for care.

Your husband sounds a little stubborn about things..he might just think the grass is greener staying home or working less. Is he unhappy at his own job? Maybe he just needs a change of pace, a new system. Either way, there's a compromise somewhere. He gives a little, you give a little. That's the only way. Who knows? maybe he SHOULD stay home full time while you work..then he would really understand the work it takes.

Just a few ideas. Hope I helped a little. :)

ETA: I also like what Dawn B. said. Don't let him treat you like you don't do enough. He should NOT talk to you that way. If that ever happens with my husband, I tell him I'm NOT going to address any issue until he changes his tone. It's okay if he's upset or angry, but it's NOT okay to insult or take a dig at personality.

First of all, stop comparing yourselves to a reality show. Those people are not the norm, at all.
Secondly, you both sound young and like you are still trying to figure things out. If you REALLY want him to appreciate all that you do, take a little vacation. I'm not saying for you to leave him, just take a long weekend away with friends. Tell your parents NOT to watch your son, let your husband have him 24/7, for at least a Friday night through Sunday night. If he doesn't appreciate you after that, well, then you may need some counseling.

You sounds like you are unhappy in your role so you are seeing his unhappiness where there isn't any.

It is hard for a man to acknowledge that when their partner is staying home it is actually work. My husband never would!! In his simple mind, it was better for me to go out to work for $5.50 and hour and pay the sitter $3.00 an hour. I am not sure how that evened out in his mind. Maybe you should just sit down and talk it out with him instead of walking on egg shells. Get the issue out in the open. You can explain how putting the child in daycare might not be as beneficial since the baby will more then likely get sick more often and working a full-time job and trying to juggle the expense of daycare is not as easy as it sounds. It is very emotionally draining on the mother to leave a crying baby. I know because I had to work since my baby was 6 weeks old. There is a song by Rascal Flatts called Mr. Mom that can give you a lot of perspective. Maybe your husband can listen to it.

:0) Can you have someone visit you and stay a few days? Give yourselves a break from the fighting and get your mind off it.
I would not try looking for a fulltime job if you are satisfied with yours.
He might go to marriage counseling if you go and tell him YOU need it;0).

Had a thought... why don't you suggest that he take a couple of days off (on days that you will work) so he can stay home with your son? It will give him a better idea of what you go through on a day-to-day basis (not sure a single day will give him a TRUE idea) and also give him some time to do fun stuff with his son, like maybe a trip to the zoo or something.

Your communication can probably be improved radically if you can get some counseling just for yourself. I hear several things in your request that leave me wondering how much "blame" you might be able to drop. This doesn't mean your husband is doing nothing wrong, it just acknowledges that blaming only drives people deeper into their own positions. Then even less listening happens, and disagreements escalate.

I would also suggest you might want to learn Non-Violent Communication. You can get overviews online, read books and take classes. My husband and I learned these sane and helpful techniques years ago, and even though we don't do them perfectly, they are extremely helpful. And they make communication easier even if only one person is using them.

It probably is anything but helpful to tell your husband to stop doing or saying things that "hurt your feelings," because even though you do have feelings that he would do well to respect, what actually gets hooked in most argument are concepts, not feelings. For example, if you tell him "I feel like you think I'm just slacking all day," that's not a feeling at all, but rather a set of ideas around what he just told you.

But everybody can relate to feelings, because everybody has them. So if you were to say, instead, "I feel surprised, sad, and discouraged when you suggest I'm not working enough," he'll probably be able to hear you better. You're basically just repeating what he already told you without twisting his words, and telling him what your actual feelings are in response.

And if you can learn to hear and empathize with the feelings he may have, like jealousy over your time with the baby, his negativity will probably be soothed. All of us need to know our feelings are heard and respected by our loved ones. If you can do that for him, he'll probably be able to relax and do it for you, too.

Instead of a non-productive, repetitive argument about who's doing the most work, ask that the two of you find a quiet time to sit down and talk over how much money your household really needs, and brainstorm how the two of you, working together, can achieve those goals. Let him know you're interested in getting his needs met better, and it will help to start with the facts. Men tend to be problem solvers by nature, so if you can keep it framed as an objective, truth-seeking, problem solving session that is aimed at getting him more of what he needs, he may be happy to participate.

Give him plenty of appreciation for the work he does and the income he brings home. You may think you do this, but do you actually do so without going on to point out how much you contribute? If that happens, it becomes more like a contest, and neither you or your husband will ever really know you are heard and appreciated.

When he slams the bathroom door, does it actually wake the baby, or are you just worried that it will because the baby woke once or twice. It sounds like a passive-aggressive behavior on his part, and if you can stop mentioning it, he may well stop on his own. If he does wake the baby, you might say something like, "Sweetie, my hands are full right now. Would you mind patting the baby so he goes back to sleep?

Even individual counseling, or maybe a good self-help book or two, could give you new ways to relate to your husband and share actual feelings more equitably. You feel he makes you wrong about everything. He probably feels the same way about you. It probably doesn't have to be that way, but it may require you to exercise some real generosity of spirit to shift things in a happier direction. I can almost promise you it will be worth the effort. And a great deal of personal growth can be an additional reward. My best to you.

Sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like he is jealous that you stay home and he sounds immature.

My husband, too, thinks he could do a better job. Really because when our son was a baby & I was really ill w/the flu, he couldn't hack it for one whole Saturday.

One thing I will say is divorcing is hard because you will only have your child half the time and that is hard. If there is anyway to work it out whild not providing a crazy house for your son, I say do it.

I would not "bite" when he makes comments. Ignore him at best. Try to answer back with a calm tone.
Don't instigate arguments.
Go see a counselor just for yourself to see how to best deal w/his mean behavior.

If your husb will go to a counselor together, then do it. Most men won't.

Be safe, save $ any chance you get to be just for yourself, let others know what is going on, take care of your baby, get a break when you can (like if hubby is at work & baby is napping: just rest), take care of yourself: eat well, take viatmins etc. I wish you the best and hope your hubby changes. Pray for help & things to improve. I will too!

Wow. I definitely don't think you are being too sensitive. My feelings would be so hurt if my husband talked to me that way. It sounds like your husband doesn't know how to say exactly what it is he's trying to say and so it comes out harsh and attacking. It's immature and wrong for him to speak that way to you. It does seem like if he's wanting to be with his child more, he should take the time he does have free to spend it with him instead of wasting it watching TV.

That is a tough situation. I can assure you that divorce would not be a solution. You'd have to put your boy in daycare (or have a grandparent full time watch him), then you'd have to deal with a potential step-mom later on and the whole awful dynamic of that. So, remember that while it might be a really frustrating, maddening situation...even if he doesn't go to marriage counseling, it can all be much worse than it currently is.

As for SAHM's...my husband does appreciate that I stay home. He's never made a comment suggesting I should go to work. We have five kids now, and he would never want them in daycare.

At first, we both felt like our jobs were equal, just different, than each other's. But as we've added more kids, he fully acknowledges that my job is more difficult...in the sense that it takes a lot of patience, things get messy in a blink of an eye so keeping a clean home can be quite the chore! Learning how to deal with so many little people at once can be difficult. It can be difficult to always be around so many little ones (I personally LOVE it!). His job isn't easy, but he says he knows it's easier than mine:-)

We definitely respect each others roles. I always talk appreciatively to him about all the work he does so I can stay home with the kids. He does the same for me and regularly thanks me for being such a good mom and taking care of his children (our children, of course!).

While we respect each other's roles, we have had our differences in the past. We've had to learn to adjust and change our expectations. My husband has a tendency to be a bit OCD. He likes things VERY organized. This can present a challenge for me since we have five little ones. The younger four are under the age of five. So, it's very easy for the house to get cluttered. It's never a true disaster...but for my hubby, it can be too much clutter for him. I always try to have clean up time before my husband gets home so he can arrive to a clean house. At the most, it takes 15 minutes to clean up. But sometimes I am making dinner, and I simply CANNOT get it clean. Life can get chaotic. Back when we used to have 1-2 kids, he was very impatient with the mess. It made me very angry and feel unappreciated. I felt like his need for clean was his problem, not mine. Why should I stress myself out over it? I'm not sure that was the right attitude for me to have:-) I've since made it a priority for me to have things cleaner for him IF I CAN. But if it pushes me into too much stress, I will not do it because I need to be a patient mom. He knows this, and now he is much more understanding and realizes he was expecting too much. He has learned that if he comes home and the house is not clean - instead of feeling angry about it, he will help clean. It only takes about 10-15 minutes, so it's not a huge burden for him. And, now he's more than happy to do it, while years ago he was different.

So...point being, there is a learning curve. I used to feel so upset at my husband because I felt like I wasn't able to meet his standard...and it was a standard that I felt was a little ridiculous. It was more important to me to keep my stress under a certain level than it was to make the house spotless at any cost. He gets that now and things are not an issue in that area.

Problems in marriages are normal. It's not right for him to be belittling what you are doing. I would try to approach him at a time where you feel no anger, and see if you can work together to figure it out. It might be something that he just needs to learn and grow up about. I can tell you it's been so nice to have my hubby learn and grow and me too! It's worth it to figure out how to make things work for each other. (oh, and there's no way I'd work full time and put my baby in daycare, if I were you!)

I didn't read your entire post- but just wanted to say, when my husband and I were dealing with similar changes (me being able to stay home more w/kids) we had some "bread winner" convos too- at the time he also made some really butthead comments about me being able to be home with our son (just 1 child at the time) and we were arguing quite a bit- it was kind of like a power struggle b/w us. I wanted him to see all I was doing at home, and he wanted me to appreciate him even more since I was working (at the paying job) less. Needless to say thanks to egos and bad communication- the cycle kept going. Finally I came across a marriage conference called Love & Respect. It was exactly what we needed!! Snapped both of us right into place! Even if you can't find a conference like this in your area, maybe get the book at read up- it's by Emerson Eggerich- Not to say this single thing made our marriage perfect, but just telling you about it b/c when going through something similiar that conference is really what made us get it together. That was a few years ago and since then I have become a full time SAHM and my hubbs has a huge appreciation for all that entails. As I do for what he does. ----Btw,are you giving the hubbs a chance to be a dad? If you are like most moms I know, you are so busy trying to be the absolute best mom and wife you can be that you literally DO IT ALL! Try to take a few steps back, let your hubs get his hands dirty being a dad w/o you there to rescue him and do it the "right" way. Has he had a chance to truly bond w/ his son? It's so easy as a mom with all of the mom guilt to feel like you should be by your child's side 24/7 - but you've got to remember God blessed your child with 2 parents. Take a break, get a little me time in and let your hubbs do it his way- It may not be "right" but he doesn't need to know that. Make him confident in his daddy skills- maybe he'll want to pitch in more. B/c I can soooo promise you, that if you take the approach of complain until he changes, umm, well- GOOD LUCK! :) You absolutely sound like your heart is in the right place, and I may be wrong but you also sound like a new momma, so just give yourself a break, breath! and relax! Your son will survive and your marriage will survive! Having kiddos change the dynamic of everything!! You guys will find your niche, and flow and it will all be ok! If you can find the time, try reading that book-it's awesome! Hey here you go . . . go get the book and take yourself on a date to starbucks- spend as much time as you want- and let daddy be daddy! Even if you come home to both of them watching football in their underware/diaper hey. . they bonded! haha Good luck and God Bless!

Who are Josh and Anna and what are they doing in the middle of your marriage?

Sounds like you have major communication problems and it's time for a reality check. You should tell your husband exactly what you do all day. Be prepared to hear that your husband thinks the almighty dollar is more important than any time you spend with the kid.

It also sounds like you both need to grow up.

Good luck 'cause you're gonna need it.

I personally think you are working too much. He should appreciate you, you should appreciate him. It sounds like you are both stressed out and tired.

I am a sahm, I take care of my husband, my kids, my house and my husband pays for it all. I love what he does, he loves what I do. We all love each other.

Marriage gets stressful. Its a lot of work. It took us a long time to get to this peaceful place were we both get each other and appreciate each other. Dont be sad, this is marriage. You will get through it, but its A LOT of work.

Trust me, throwing in the towel on your marriage would be way harder than what it is now. Im not blaming you either, I have been there. Pick your battles. Know that he is doing the best he can and so are you and try to help each other through it. Work together, not against each other. You are in this together.

Good luck!

this sounds so familiar!
i know it might sound impossible, but dont take any of that to heart! it sounds like he is just stressed out about work.
maybe surprise him with a date night! that might relax him a bit. everyone needs to take a break once in a while.

good luck!

Don't forget that Josh and Anna get money for being on television.....
And they live in a house that was already owned by their family.

It's really not good to compare your circumstances with others.

There might be a difference between respecting each other's "roles" and valuing what you both contribute.
I think you might be focusing more on what you think is your husband's desire to "have your son in daycare" as opposed to him obviously not being able to communicate what might be really bothering him.

In this economy, many couples have to both have full time jobs outside the home. I work with a woman with 3 little kids under 5. She and her husband work their heads off. She offers to take overtime because it pays for gymnastics for their oldest daughter. He offers to take overtime because there have been layoffs at his company and although he doesn't make as much money as she does, his job is the one with full benefits including life insurance and 401k.
It works for them because they both VALUE each other. Their kids are in daycare, but they wouldn't survive financially any other way. If they got into an argument over neither of them caring about the kids being in daycare, they'd be sunk. Of course they care. It's just not reality for them any other way.
It would be a waste of energy for them to compare their situation to anyone else's.
They love each other and hold each other up.

Marriage isn't easy. Financially supporting kids isn't easy.
It's even harder if you aren't working toward the same goals while respecting each other's feelings.

Best wishes.

I saw this post yesterday and wanted to respond but didn't have the time. Now I am back to responding and it is great to hear your update.

You are one heck of a busy mama with the hours you work and also taking care of your little one. I am glad to hear your hubby diffused and came back to chat with a clearer mind.

I personally married a man who truly values and gives me praises all the time and Thank Yous for all I do to keep up our home and nurture our 3 children. We both value what each other brings to our home and family with regards to our different roles. Mine happens to bring in absolutely no money but we both know what I do saves our family money overall, brings order and routine and peace to our lives and also keeps a relaxed spirit in our home. We could not fulfill what needs to happen for our family without each of us doing our part. One is not more important than the other in our eyes..although we both know our kids and family are most important and it takes both of our responsibilities being met to take care of kids and family.

I think many men nowadays look to their wives to bring in money and also take on most traditional SAHM chores and duties. That mentality is not conducive to a happy home,family and marital relationship. When you really start sharing the roles then things get muddied and resentment builds up...because the woman tends to pick up the slack and is doing way more and expected to do way more. Oh...we have seen so many posts about this.

I wish you the best. You are trying so hard to keep it all together. Keep having those chats with your husband. The most important gift you can give your son is to love one another and work to keep your family intact. As a couple do everything you can together to give him that gift.

Good luck and best wishes.
PS..and teach your son early on the importance of a mommy raising kids.