SAHM'S Do You Ever Think Your Not Doing Enough???

I am very lucky to have a husband who knows how hard I work. That being said, if my husband EVER spoke to me like that he'd likely find himself sleeping at his mother's house. That kind of disrespect does not fly in my household.

Why is he making those comments if you made a joint decision for you to stay home? I'd sit down and give the alternative if you went back to work. Maybe he needs a reminder of why you are staying home!

Oh please!! If we left them to do everything we do for just 2 days they would run crying...

I do feel like I could be doing more some times, but for the life of me can't figure out how or where I could fit it in.

My husband and I use terms like "our money" he may actually go out and make it but he does that for US (our family). For years when we were DINKS (double income no kids), I made more money than he did...but it was still in the end our money not mine and his. We use it as a family!

Anyone who thinks being a full time homemaker/child raiser (insert every other job we do) is not a real job...why do wealthy people actually hire people to keep house for them? They pay people to grocery shop, cook, watch the kids, run the errands, clean the house...if we got paid for all the jobs we actually do we would make over $100,000 a year. That is a researched and documented fact. So, your husband can't actually afford you!!

Sending you a hug...he needs to find something else to tell you when he is angry because you are out of his price range!! Hugs!!

That makes me want to sputter!! What a hurtful thing to say! I used to work. I know what it's like to work. And never have I had a job as demanding, time consuming, constant, and as tough as being a SAHM...and we're not even being paid, except for in hugs and kisses, which makes it all worth it. But to even pretend that most jobs compare to what it's like to be a SAHM is silly.

I'm not belittling my husband or what he does. He works very hard. I wouldn't say he has it easier...except for during the day when he's at work...hehe. I think right now he would agree too! He's even commented on it before. We have four little ones, three are age four and younger, and I'm pregnant with baby #5. That will give us four kids under the age of five when this one is born.

But even back when we had three, that was busy, busy, busy! Three brought in the chaos that I hadn't had with only two. It's not like SAHMs rest in a spa all day and watch TV, doing whatever they want. It's tough work chasing after little kids, changing diapers, teaching them (we homeschool), going shopping with them, helping them learn to be good/nice/decent people, teaching them to get along, bathing them, dressing, hoping they'll actually sleep at night, taking care of them while they're sick...and trying to get the house in order, dinner cooked, clothes clean...it's an endless list with jobs that seem to go on forever and rarely enough breaks.

You ARE doing enough. What does your husband say when he's not feeling upset. Does he regret saying it? Just because someone actually makes money doing a job doesn't mean it's harder. What a thoughtless thing to say. I would be very hurt and upset too. I'm sure he's a good guy, and I'm really hoping he's saying that in the heat of the moment and not meaning it at all...but what a way to make you feel insignificant and unimportant to him and like the work you are doing is unimportant (when it's one of the most important jobs in my opinion).

He needs to walk a little more in your shoes. Can you take a vacation for a couple weeks and leave him with the kids? Of course, it's not quite the same because he knows it's only going to last for two weeks, and he won't have you to take care of in addition to all the home duties, like you have to do with him, but it might give him an idea and make him think a little more before saying that. Does he know how much it hurts you when he says that?

I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) stay firm in your belief in what you do and don't let his words of anger make you view what you're doing as unimportant.

I work full time and my job is SO much easier than when I stayed home. Add in the fact that one of my kids was born after I started working. It is the HARDEST job in the world with no raises and very little praise. I love the plaques I get at work telling me my boss is happy with my performance. SAHM's don't get anything like that. I think your husband needs to take a week of leave and do everything you do. Then let him tell you that it's HIS money ever again. I'd be FLAMING mad at that comment.

Take a vacation by yourself. Before you leave, print out a list of everything you do in a day. Tell your husband you are off to regroup and evaluate some things. Tell him to walk a few days in your shoes and see if he feels differently. I would also let him know how hurtful those words are. It's easy to get into the mindset of I'm doing this and you are only doing that in a relationship, but none of it works if all the roles are not being fulfilled. Let your husband know just how much you appreciate the role of financial provider he is playing, but also let him know how much daycare, a housekeeper/house manager would be if you had a "real job". Try to be rational and logical when explaining this to him rather than reacting with a lot of emotion. Tell him when he makes those comments it makes you feel like __________. Hopefully he will realize the errors of his ways and show some appreciation.

OMG! I'm angry for you! I can't believe he told you that raising your 3 kids is not a real job regardless if you are a nanny. Hope your children don't hear him say that. Shame on him! That is so disrespectful and hurtful.

However, I can't tell you HOW many times I've heard other SAHM's say that their husbands tell them that being at home raising the kids is not a 'real job' so you are not alone, AND it shocks me each time! Maybe your husband is feeling as you, unappreciated. You guys need to talk about this sore subject, but not during an argument. There are likely underlying issues that need to be addressed and resolved.

You guys also need to have a list of things that are taboo to say especially during an argument. That is hurtful what he said and I’m sure deep down he doesn’t intentionally want to hurt you. We all say things we regret when we are angry so sit down and calmly talk about words/statements that are off limits.

Best of luck!

I bet if he traded places with you for a week, he would be begging you to forgive him. They have no clue on what goes on at home for a SAHM. I work fulltime at home on the computer but I take care of our kids at the same time and my husband thinks that I should be able to do the rest of it as well. HUH??? He'll every now and then ask if I did any laundry during the day.....Uh, I've been busy working a full time job and caring for a very active 20 month old son and our 8 year old dtr......guess that's not enough. Now he does help some just not as much as I would like but it's better than nothing I guess. Maybe you ought to stop doing everything that concerns him. Don't do his laundry, cook for him, etc.....remind him it was both of you that chose it to be this way. Hang in there! Good luck!

Carrie, excellent point. Make sure you let hubby do everything occasionally then he will shut up. My husband could not stand the schedule of activities but when I stayed home just because we were tired, he griped. Now, not a word if I say we are tired and need a break from the running around.

Wow,so few responses.

Yes " I " do feel like I don't do enough sometimes, but NOT because my husband makes me feel that way... My husband has a very high stress job and works 11 hour days... I always feel like I have to tell him EVERY LITTLE THING I DO AROUND THE HOUSE to make MYSELF feel better... I never worked that 9-5 job but did work in the bar business for a long time on the weekends...2 years ago I quit the bar business and am at home full time... I 110% know I go a great job but still sometimes I get on myself about it... If I was to actually get a PAYCHECK for what I did, then I probably wouldn't have these feelings.... Until someone 110% runs a household (cleans, pays all the bills on time, kids to drs, school and after school activities, food shopping, calling such and such person to fix this or that, post office, picking up stuff or my husband, playdates, etc etc).. IT'S A LOT!!!! And I only have 1 son that's 4..... You have 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hats off to you :0)

You are a smart cookie and are doing the best you can for your children to grow up happy, healthy and ultimately good citizens. Find time to present the other side to him and quiet down his claims (not when arguing, we all say things we shouldn't when upset). Tell him you considered getting a job to help out with the family and you wish you could do more. Then, compare how much you are getting with the nanny job and show the timeline of what you do with your kids. Then, compare that to a job you could find (tough with the economy) and then factor in added expenses due to your new job: house cleaning (no time for that), daycare, lunch money, gas money, etc. And see how much is left of what you earned. Also factor in the time left with your kids and husband. Once the math is done and he sees both sides, my guess is he'll realize the value of having you care for the home and children. Luckily my husband supports me in anything I choose but he does say that if I got a job teaching full time it will not really be enough to cover all of our expenses and yet that money allows me a little freedom and helps pay for gas money and lunches out when I choose. A sense of independence and productivity. I teach from home.
Follow your instincts and you will be fine. A SAHM is the toughest job with little praise or recognition. Always remember that. You are not in it to fulfill your husband's life....but your kids and their future. :)

i always feel like i don't do enough. but it's probably because i don't, lol. i clean, clean once a week unless necessary to do more. i do dishes i don't KNOW how many times a day, because i don't use the dishwasher, take care of the animals, do laundry 2x a week. take kids to school, pick them up ( 2 different schools right now), fix dinner, lunch, breakfast, exercise :), tend the garden, and volunteer at the elementary school on most Wednesdays. I also do the grocery shopping and pay bills and balance the checking account. but most days i have a ton of extra time, i feel to be able to do extra stuff. but i don't know what else to do, you know? my husband used to do the dishes when the kids were younger while i bathed them, then we switched off. now the only household things he does is 1% of the time he will take out trash. he always does the lawn work. that's it. he's never done laundry in the 8yrs we've been together. my husband doesn't want me to work. he likes me being home to take care of the kids, and the house, etc. he likes to be the breadwinner. he's old fashioned that way, though. even though i feel like i don't do enough, he is always telling me that i do a wonderful job and that i do a ton to hellp out.

Let's see....I am on call 24 hours a day, I am responsible for cleaning the house, fixing little things around the house, taking care of the kids, feeding them and making dinner, grocery shopping, and shopping for any cleaning products etc., paying the bills, taking kids to extra curricular activities, running errands, and more. Sometimes husbands don't get how hard it is, so the best thing to do is KNOW that you work very hard, and eventually they come around. Some take longer than others. I hope this helps.

WOW! I feel so lucky! my hubby works two jobs in order to support my decision to be a SAHM. on his days off sometimes he takes over what I do (to give me a day off) but usually he ends up needing help when my son is demanding his attention while he is trying to eat breakfast. He tells me all the time that he couldnt do it, and that he doesnt know how I do.

I would probably throw something at him, tell him how much I hate him and file for divorce..You can't agree to have three children and agree that's it's best for you to stay home and then, like a little child, tell you that you need a real job...That is probably the only card he has to play in an argument and it's sad.....Grow up buddy!!! I am a stay at home mom too and it it very trying in every way..They get to go to work and talk to other adults and when they tire of that, they get to come home to their family, so he really needs get a grip..We don't get a break at all....

I'm in the same boat - the cost of childcare for 2 kids cancels out what my income would be, making it pointless for me to work. My husband works long hours, but I'm home working all day, doing laundry, dishes, cleaning, shopping, gardening, making appointments, taking the kids to soccer, piano, tennis, supervising homework, making all the meals, paying the bills, buying sending cards/gifts for not only my family but all of his as well (& his coworkers/employees)! Who would do all of these things if I had to work? I suppose it would get done, but then the weekend is shot on chores. Now, I can't imagine going back to work - I would think there'd be zero relaxation/family time at all, not to mention the additional dry-cleaning, & likely eating quick, thrown-together meals (this is how it would be for me, I'm not saying everyone who works eats poorly). It's a heckuvalotta work to be a SAHM, really. I hardly sit down except in the car (and my few minutes here & there on the computer!). It is hard, though, to feel like you're not contributing financially.

I once wrote out for my husband every minute of my day (including bathroom breaks), because it seems sometimes like no matter how much I'm doing during the day, the house is always a wreck after the kids get home from school! He has been known to ask "What did you do all day?" But how does he think the toilet paper roll gets changed, or what little elves are putting clean underwear into his drawer? :)

Write up your job description or your "hat"-
Just like you were going to hire someone to do all your jobs
1) Gather up laundry.separate by color, spot as necessary.
etc
We know you will have pages.
And then sit down and talk to him about should you do these or hire someone while you work outside the home.
Who does he want raising his children?
And perhaps you will find what is really bothering him. The pressure of all the responsibility being on him, perhaps?
Quit arguing and handle in a very analytically way. This is very important to your marriage.
best, k

Carrie,
I am in your boat too!! My husband doesn't necessarily sat that I need to get a job, but he does not get how much work it is to be a SAHM. He couldn't ever do it either....probably much like your husband.
It's very hurtful b/c you know how hard it is. And yet you don't get any appreciation. My best friend leaves her husband alone with her kids all the time for hours & hours. So he gets it! Maybe you can try that. One thing that keeps my husband from complaining is sex. The more he gets, the less he complains.
I'm so sorry He does this to you. It's so painful!

I too am very blessed to be able to stay home. Recently, my husband had about 4 days off in a row. He wanted to spend time with me, so I took him on every errand, kept the house up, the kids going, etc. - as if he was still at work. By day 2 - he told me he was ready to go back to work! He had no idea how much I did (And I've been home for over a year now). It was nice to hear that and know he appreciates what goes on when he's not here. Even when he comes home and dinner hasn't been started or there are still piles of laundry b/c a wrench got thrown in my plans - he'll jump in and help...Because he KNOWS I'm not sitting around doing nothing!
As far as what your husband says - it's in the heat of the moment. We all say things that sting b/c we're angry or hurt over something. Hang in there - you both will be OK...

I wash the clothes, wipe the butts, do the shopping, cook the food, wash the dishes, clean the bathrooms, mop the floors, groom the pets, clip the coupons, wipe the spills, referee the fights, give the baths, tend the garden, implement the therapy (whether that be literal for the special needs or figurative for things like physical and emotional comfort), and educate a rising high-schooler, rising 4th grader, and rising 3rd grader. I drive over 100 miles a week for baseball/softball, schlep 5 kids once a week for homeschool group, take care of things like soccer sign ups, schedule piano lessons, drive to a zillion doctor's appointments, and volunteer in our community 1-2 times a month.

And I make sure to leave it all to dh every once in a while.

So, no, I NEVER think I'm not doing enough. And neither does he!

I went on a week's vacation and came home to a totally destroyed house and five baskets of laundry. Showed me that my husband can't do what I do. Funny thing is, when I was working full time, I still did most of the work at home. I am grateful I can stay home with my kids. Are there days I could clean more, do more laundry? Sure. Do I feel guilty if I slack off once in a while? Absolutely not. Maybe your husband if having a hard time on his job and took it out on you?

I have worked since my daughter was two months old but modified my schedule to work less than full time so I can pick her up early and spend quality time each day rather than being rushed and only having a few hours together in the evening.

Being a stay at home mom is WAYYYYY harder than going to work and I'm telling you from a woman's perspective. I have gone to work sick as a dog and people ask, why didn't you stay home? My honest answer, is that it's easier to be at work than to be "ON" all day for your child. It's not just the caring for their physical needs (food, potty, etc) - is that the constant teaching of important life lessons and being engaged and interested in everything they want to show you and molding them into happy, responsible adults :) On top of that, I like all you other mom's do the grocery shopping, the laundry, remember all the doctors, the birthdays, etc. You have the HARDEST job in the world and while he may never get it, you have the whole-hearted understanding and sympathy of the 50% of this planet that also does your job. Keep your head up, your efforts will be rewarded through the love of your children even if you never get the respect of your partner.