Losing Mom/grandma

Thats really sad to hear... I am sorry to hear that and I know its going to be very hard on the family... My mother died back in 2003 of brain tumors. She was very close with my 2 boys who were 11 and 8 at that time... It was so hard coping with it... I was 27. All I could really do was just tell them the truth and that she will be ok and she wouldnt have wanted him to be sad... If you wanna talk more, e mail me, ____@____.com

L.

L. I am so sorry to hear this about your mother. My deepest prayers that God will draw you closer to Him during this time. I think you have received some great advice so far. You can explain things to your child, just like you would explain anything else to a 3 year old. You don't have to go into deep details with him, but I think it may be better to warn him a little bit. Not overly talk about it, but rather explain to him when you feel appropriate, that grandma is sick and one day she Jesus will come get her and take her to heaven. This is a great opportunity to teach him about Heaven. He may not fully understand, but it's still okay to talk about it. My daughter is three also and she talks about things dying like her grandparent's dogs died...she doesn't know exactly what that means but one day it will all come together. We talk about how the dogs are running around with Jesus. There's always children's books that help explain things... seems there's a book for everything. A few good ones:

Sad Isn't Bad by Michaelene Mundy
What's Heaven? by Maria Shriver
I miss you, by Pat Thomas

The What's Heaven one is VERY good, you should really look for this one.

Another idea... while your mother is still here. Start a memory book for your son. Special photos, things done together... you can make one for yourself also.

There's another book that you may find helpful for yourself, called Cradled all the while by Sarah J. Corse. This book has been featured on CBS.

Again, I am so sorry, and I pray for God's unwavering strength and love to you and your family.

I see where ur coming from. MY son is also 3 years old and his 15 yr old cousin just passed away in June of cancer. He lived with us and saw him sick for a long time. We might think that since they are little they dont understand but i was surprised how my son would react when he would be around him. We didn't explain to him everything that was going on with him. LIke for example when his hair fell off we just told him he cut his hair. When he went into a coma and he saw him we told him he was sleeping because he was tired, and he would say "because he is sick" and we would tell him yes. Whe he passed away and he saw him in the funeral we told him that he was sleeping, and till now he says that he went with God for a long visit. He knows that death is not coming back. Kids are more aware of things than what we can imagine so its better to let them know in siple terms what is going on than to lie to them and in the long run confuse them. Good luck wish you the best.

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. But you have to remember that death is a part of life. We can't protect our children from everything, and sometimes there are bad or sad things that have to happen. Yes, it's hard to tell your child something like that, and it's hard to let him be sad, but it's part of life. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find comfort in each other!

L.,
I completely understand where you are coming from. My Mom passed away in Jan 05 after being diagnosed with lymphoma in July 04. At the time my kids were 13 (son) and 8 (daughter)and my nephew was 2. We all spent a lot of time around my mom and the kids were all VERY aware of what was going on. We didn't hide anything from them and when she was very sick, they were told so. I feel like they appreciated their time with her more. These may not be the best memories of your mother for you or your son but they will be memories that both of you will cherish in the long run. I know neither of my kids, my nephew or my sister and I would give back that time we spent with her. Even my nephew at 4 now talks about his Naw Naw like he just saw her yesterday. It will be hard for you to explain everything to your son but try to do the best you can. The strange thing is, no matter how sad and upset my sister and I were, the kids were comforted knowing that Naw Naw wasn't going to hurt anymore and was going to live with Jesus. God Bless you and your family.

Hi losing mom,
I lost my mom with cancer. I was in the navy and my sister's never told me till it was too late. just be honest with your son that way he can be with her give her last days being happy. just be there for her. she will always be there for you even when she gone. my been gone for 25 yrs I miss her so much. hope you and your mom and son the best. C. o

L.,
I am sorry to hear about your mother. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a mother. But, my sister's cancer came back after a 2 year break. She has a daughter that is 7 now, but was first diagnosed with cancer when her daughter was 3. She has a book called "Talking about Death: A dialogue between parent and child" which has helped her field the questions that her daughter may have. I think it is important to be honest with children. They may have hurt feelings later especially if the child feels an attachment to his grandma. There are plenty of books that are out there that explain cancer and death to young children. Such as "Our Family Has Cancer Too!" By Christine Clifford. You can
find many online by searching for "books how to tell a child about cancer or death."
I know it sounds silly, but lots of the questions and answers that you come across in the books may also be what is on your mind and may be a source of help to you too.
We prepare for the worst, yet hope for the best and practice making memories for my neice with her mother such as having a tea party even though mom has to stay in bed alot too.
My heart goes out to you.
I'll keep you in my thoughts as you go through this very tough time.

L., I am so sorry to hear of your mom's cancer. Cancer (I hate this word...but) SUCKS! I have been through similar experiences. I lost my dad, my aunt and my father-in-law to cancer with in 8 months of each other. I also lost one grandmother and a grandfather within the last 3 months. I have a 7 year old and a 2 year old (b-days both in November...so they are almost 8 and 3) I had NEVER experienced death until my dad and I was 33...so for my sons to have to experience it at their age is so sad to me. We chose to tell them what was happening (if it came up like a visit or a phone call) once it got close enough that we knew it "was time". It was very hard on all of us, but knowing that they ARE going to have to grieve and move through it, we felt like giving them some time to let in "sink in" was important for them. We simply said that ____was sick and not going to get better. We believe in heaven and told them that they were going to be with Jesus where they would not be sick or hurt anymore. My older one could handle more details, but that was enough details for our youngest son. Our 3yo still says stuff like "Poppie is with Jesus - not the hospital anymore" when ever we speak of him...so they really do grasp a lot of what is going on.

I am so sad for you that you are going through this. I can only tell you that each day gets different. Not neccesarily better, just diferent. My prayers are with you, L..

M. L.

Death is a hard concept for children to grasp. They don't have the cognitive ability to understand the permenance of it. What they do understand is that mommy is sad and grandpa is sad and everyone is crying. You have been telling him that his grandma is sick and from his frame of reference his knows that he gets sick to. You don't want him to think that he could die when he gets sick too. We know that's ridiculous but 3yo don't. It's hard because you're grieving and have to explain something very difficult to your son in the middle of your grief. Explain that grandma has died and that means we won't get to see her anymore. Tell your son that if he wants to talk to grandma he still can and she can hear him but we can't hear her. Most important make sure your son knows that you are here for him and love him and care for him. I believe in using real language with children because they don't yet understnad metaphors like "gone to a better place" or "living with Jesus". They may repeat that but they don't fully understand what that means. I know this is a difficult time. Prayers for you and your family.

I'm so sorry for your pain. You and your family will be in our prayers.

My dad has been sick for 10 years. they keep saying he'll die in 6 months. they've been saying this for 10 years. i've been open with my daughter, who is 4, about this from the beginning. I tell her that people get old and their bodies wear out and they die. It's a fact of life and I want her to always know that she can come to me for strait answers in life, even when its hard. I also want to teach her about honesty and give her the opportunity to ask all the questions to my dad that she wants answers to. I want her to have a relationship with him that is open and honest. Death is something that doesn't have to be "wrong" in a kid's mind. It just is. It is painful for me to watch my dad deteriorate. It is painful to me to know that she will remember this version of him instead of my strong daddy, but this is where we are. I can't change it for any of us. We can only explore life openly and honestly and be there for one another in the most real way possible. I hope that in the end, the honesty of our relationship will offer her security.

A couple of years ago I also made a series of taped recordings. i asked him quesitons about his life, where he came from, his growing up, his parents and grands, what it was like being a parent, and immigrnt, leaving his country, etc. that way, our kids will know more of the whole person someday. I treasure having his voice on tape.

I wish you peace. Good luck.

I understand what you are dealing with, my father died of cancer in March when my children were 3 & 1. It was a great comfort to my father and a break for my mom to have my children visit as often as possible, both at home and in the hospital. I explained to my 3 yr old son that grandpa was sick and thats why he had medicen and tubes to help. During my fathers last days I took my kids to see him as well and that was much harder on me, and my son didnt seem to know what to think about grandpa being so sick. I didnt either really.

I stopped taking my son with me a few days before he died because of my fathers condition had deteriated so quickly. My daughter was only 11 mos. and I took her for my mom.

When my father did die I simply explanined that he wasnt here because he was in heven. I didnt explain loss just that he was somewhere else. And that we could look at pictures and talk to him and about him. My son asked to go see him for about 2 weeks then let it go, as my mom was lonely and spent time with him whenever she could.

In the end it is up to you to decide what is best for your child in a situation that is emotionaly wrenching and incredibly stressful. You have my sympathies and my thoughts. I hope the best for all of you.

K.

L.,
This is definately a hard subject I have a 3,5,&7 year old and my sister (who my children saw every day) just died of cancer this July. I talked to my ped. Dr. and she gave me some ideas. It is hard to know what a child, especially a 3 year old is thinking. They are more concrete thinkers, they do not understand that they will never see someone again, my 3 yr old still asks when her aunt is coming back down from heaven. I know this may not have been a lot of help but please know I will be praying for you and your family. if you would like to talk let me know

Dear L.:
Sorry to hear about your problem. I would leave it at that, too. She is sick. Children understand that. When she dies, you can tell your child that the sickness was too strong. Briefing your son too early will cause additional hardship. And kids do bounce back faster than grown-ups.

Regards,
W.

My Grandfather died in June. He also had cancer, his was in his bone marrow. I am so sorry that you are faced with this heart-wrenching time. I dont know what to tell your son, but I can tell you what I told my son. My 4 year old knew that his Pepaw had been sick and hurting for a long time. I told him that Jesus took Pepaw to be an angel. Even though we could not see Pepaw anymore, it was really better for everybody because now Pepaw was with us all the time. We wont be able to see him, but we can talk to him anytime we want to. We dont have to worry about monsters under the bed, because Pepaw is with us all the time now, and he dosent hurt anymore. He still asks about him sometimes, and it's not easy, but I have heard my son talking to him. God bless you and your family.

I lost my grandpa (whom we were all very close to) when my youngest was around 3 yrs old. He also had cancer and got weaker and sicker. I didn't really touch the topic of death until after he died, but we did talk about he was very sick, and would be that way for a very long time - and might get even sicker. One thing that helped both my children, was to let them know how much they helped my grandpa. Every time they went to see him, they made him smile, and it made them feel so good to be that bright light for him. They were able to focus on being "helpers" instead of what grandpa looked like each time we visited. When the time was close, I did explain that Grandpa was going to die, and that it was okay to miss him and be sad, and that I was sad too. Kids are amazingly resilient. Mine showed brief sadness, but went back to their play. But every once in awhile, they would talk about him and bring up questions. They were always wonderful opportunities to share my beliefs about death and heaven, and gave us all a chance to heal together.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. You'll be in my prayers.

Sincerely,
M. B

L., my heart goes out to you. I would go to the Library and preview the children's books about death. There is a lovely one about the loss of a grandparent explained by a leaf's life cycle. It was responsible for helping my son when my grandmother passed on. It has been 4 years and my grandmother bought each of the grandkids and great grandkids a small nightlight in the shape of an angel watching over a child. I don't know where she got it but when she gave it to them she asked them not to plug it in until she went to Heaven to live with Jesus. When she was in Heaven, that little light would guide her so she could watch over and protect each of them. The night she passed, my son was 5 for a few weeks. We had talked about it and he would know Nannie was in Heaven when the light was turned on. I went into my son's room after the phone call and plugged the light in. When I woke him the next morning he saw the light on and walked over to it and said (I swear these were his exact words cause I will never forget them) "Good morning Nannie, tell God and Jesus hello for me. Could you ask them to make it sunshiny when your body goes into the ground to help the flowers grow?" Then he got ready for school and announced in class that his Nannie now had the job of helping flowers grow. It had rained for a week and a half and the afternoon of her funeral the sun was out, the birds were singing, the flowers were beautiful. About an hour after the graveside service it started raining again. My son looked at me and said "Those must be the angels tears of joy cause my Nannie is with Jesus and that nasty old cancer wasn't making her hurt anymore". He went to bed that night and before he went to sleep he told the angel night light to thank God for the sunshiny day. He astounded me over and over. Even my aunt was comforted by his understanding of what had happened and how he explained it to her. When she asked him where he learned so much about Heaven he looked at her and said, "DUH, the Bible! Want to borrow mine?" The whole house dissolved into fits of laughter. My Nannie would have loved it, she always said he was too smart for his britches.
He still has some sad times. He still has his angel nightlight and sometimes still communicates with Nannie there. At 9 he is still comforted by the angel. He sometimes tells me he sees an angel following him so he knows the light works!

This is a tough time but get as much of your mom's memories on video if possible and at the very least an audio tape if you have no video available. At some point you may want to transcribe them for your son. If you don't want to face that there are services that will do it for you. I can sometimes take on a project like that if I have time but it depends on what is happening. Let me know if I can help.
C.

I know how you feel i just lost my dad last month. telling a child that a love one is going to die is the hardest thing to do... so i thought... my son took the news well when i had to tell him that papa died.... I am pretty sure that your son already nows, but telling him will be the hardest thing for you do....i would wait til the time came, but yet let him know that she is ill, don't hide anything from him.

I, too, was young when my Grandma died. My parents didn't tell me. They left very quickly, to where she lived, to go to her and make arrangements. They left me with my older brother. He told me when I got home from school. He hugged me and we cried together. I don't know if my brother had any regrets, but I sure did. I wished my mom told me herself. I wish my parents had waited for me to get home, or take me out of school early and take me with them. I wish I was at her funeral to say my final goodbys. I loved her too. I have alot of good memories with her. I know he is small, but I bet he is very smart. He, too, probaly keeps precious memories of her in his heart. You should explain to him what is going on and what will happen. Explain it to him in terms that he will understand. You are his mom and I am sure you will find the right words to tell him. When you tell him hug him and cry with him. Let him know that it is O.K. to be sad. He should let out any sadness that he may have. Don't rob him of his final words to his Grandma. There are probaly some things in his heart he will like to say to her before she goes.

I don't know how to tell your son about his grandma, and I am sorry for that. My son was 7 months old when his dad died, so it was an entirely different instance. What I can do is tell you that if you need anything at all, whether it is to cry on someones shoulder, talk or even get your son out of the house so you can have a breakdown, let me know. I live by Airline and SPID, behind Lowe's. My number is ###-###-####. I know you haven't ever met me, but I would like to help you if I can.

First of all let me say i'm sorry to hear about your situation, i know how you feel. 2 1/2 yrs ago we lost my mother in law to cancer and it was hard especially for my daughter who was 5 at the time. My other two children, then 3 and 1 were too young to realize what was going on at the time. We avoided telling our daughter about my mother in law until the weekend that she passed, but that weekend she got to say goodbye, we told her what was happening as simple as we could put it for her. My daughter had to learn early about death, but in a way i feel it is better to experience it earlier on then to go through life thinking differently. My mother in law's death was the first experience i had in my life and i was 27....its hard no matter how old you are....i think the best thing to do is face it with your child and help them understand as best as you can...have them ask any questions they have about it and answer honestly. Hope i helped...sorry if i carried on!