How Do I Explain Grandpa Is Terminal to 3 Yr Old? or Do I?

My daughter is three and we lost my grandfather when my oldest daughter was three, also. Although she didn't grasp the magnitude of heaven, she certainly understood it was a place. I would tell him that Grandpa is very sick because his body is almost broken. Explain that when our bodies break, sometimes they can;t be fixed and we die. When we die, we are able to go live in the most wonderful place with God and Jesus. When we get to heaven where they live, our bodies are all better and we are so happy, dancing and singing. It is so great in heaven that when we get there, we never want to leave and one day everyone will get to go there when we are done living her on the earth. Then tell him that since grandpa is very sick, we need to spend as much time with him as possible, so we can see him because once he's ready to go to heaven, we won't be able to see him here anymore. Explain that every visit is a gift from God to spend a little more time with him. Encourage your grandfather, if he's able, to read a particular favorite story to him each time. These stories will help his touch and voice create long lasting memories in your sons heart. God Bless your family as you approach this difficult time.

First I would like to say that I am so sorry for your father's illness. I can't imagine what you must be going through. Second, I would go to a Christian book store and get a book about heaven and angels and after reading it a few times, explain kind of lightly that your father will be joining the angels in heaven and that your son can still talk to him anytime he wants and that Grandpa will always listen and will always be up about watching. Maybe also get a nice picture framed and put it in his room so if he wants to talk to it and "see" him, he can. He probably won't grasp the total reality of it but that is good. Kids don't need to feel all the sorrow and pain that goes along with death. Good luck to you and God bless your family.

Hi Dear: what a stressful time you are going through.
May I suggest, if possible, you take your children to see grandpa so you ALL have the memory of loving him through this transitional time; and that it's OK to grieve - it's part of this life experience we all go through. My children and I can now talk about the times we went to see my father, how sad I was, but also saw me show compassion and love towards him. My dad loved that I brought the boys in to visit with him. They would relate their current activities and just be present.
It was the best gift.
Encourage your son to make grandpa a coloring/drawing, something your dad will delight in for sure....and your son will remember this love throughout his own life. So will you, dear.
Blessings, S.

Dear A.,
I am sorry to hear about your dad. This must be a difficult time for your family. Five years ago, we lost my mother-in-law to cancer. My son was three at the time. There is no easy way to handle the discussion. Someone told me to avoid using the word "sick" because your son might become fearful that he may die every time he gets sick. With Andrew, we told him that grandma had cancer. There is a beautiful book titled "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" by Dr. Leo Buscaglia. It is out of print but you can still get it online from Amazon or Powell's books. You may even be able to get a copy from your library. It is a simple story that describes the process of dying in a non-threatening way. I read it to my son, and it gave us a way to talk about his grandma and death. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Take care,
L.

You will be amazed at how much they do understand even if they don't verbalize it. You can teach him what the bible teaches. We started by teaching our children about Adam and Eve and that God never designed our bodies to die, but when Adam and Eve disobeyed God, then everything changed and the punishment was that their physical bodies would die, but God would make it better and promised to send someone to save us from dying forever. Then we taught them about the story of Jesus' birth and that he was God's promise and Gift to us to save us. Every time my 3 year old sees a picture of Jesus on the cross, he says, "mommy, Jesus died on the cross?" And I always say, "yes, sweetie, he died for you and me and everybody so that when he comes back we can go to heaven with him".
When Jesus was with his desciples, He told them,"In my Father's house are many mansions: if were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am , there ye may be also" John, 14:2-3
My kids have a Steve Green cd for kids and they have made a song into that verse (it has lots of other good songs to that come straight from bible verses)
We also teach them that the bible says that when we die in Jesus, we are but sleeping and will awake when He returns( I have spent all morning looking for this verse and can't remember where it is, but if you want to know where to find it, just write me back, I will continue to look for it). Also the bible says that when Jesus does come back for his people that in Revelations 21:4 says " And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Of course your 3 year old will not be able to learn all of this in one day or even one month, but you can little by little teaching him and praying with him, and make everything positive and on his level. We have started from the beginning teaching our children what the bible says and it's amazing what they do understand. But this will help to give you comfort and your son too to prepare him for his Grandpa.
In our church a few years ago, there is a large family and the "grandpa" who was the retired pastor had lots of very young grandchildren in the church when he died, but by explaining to them the way the bible teaches us about death and dying in Christ, they were all comforted by that, and excited to see him when Jesus returns.
I hope this will help you. Earnestly pray about this that God may guide you and comfort you and your son so that when the time comes it won't be so hard. Take care and may God be with you and your family.
V.

A) Explain heaven to him in a way that's age appropriate and comfortable for you-- and explain angels-- and then stop there. Once the inevitable happens (which, like you said, could even be another 6 month when your child will be a bit older and can grasp more) he will already have some sort of thought of heaven and grandpa watching over him

B) Go to the library and ask the children's librarian to help you find books on the death of a grandparent. I have NO idea what it's called, but years ago I saw a great one with a grandpa and grandson sharing memories on the beach and the boy had those memories after grandpa died, and I know there are many other good ones.

Hi, A.. I'm so sorry about your dad. I'm glad, though, that you have faith in God to help you through this time.

There is no one good way to explain death to a 3-year-old. There is going to be some trauma, but I think if you can explain what Heaven is and that people go to be with God after they die, then you can minimize the trauma.

You can try explaining life as everyone having a mission or a job to do for God, and when the person's mission is done, God rewards His people by taking them home to be with Him. You can explain that Grandpa is getting ready to go to be with God, that he's sick right now, but soon he will be with God and will never be sick again. Some folks believe that their loved ones in Heaven watch over them; I'm not sure about this part myself, but children are comforted by it. It gives them a connection to the person who's passed on, and they are not so sad because they are still communicating with the person. You should also let your son know that one day, he can go to be with God, too, and he will see Grandpa face to face again. In the meantime, God has a mission for him, too, and part of that mission is to remember Granpa's love for him and all the good things Grandpa taught him about life and family. That's one way that people live on here on planet Earth after they go to be with God.

Kids your son's age don't have a very good concept of long-term time, so you're going to have plenty of conversations with him about this, and you may have to explain it a little bit more in depth as time goes on. You might also use the garden example -- if you take a flower or a tree planted in one part of a garden, then you transplant it to a different part, the plant is still alive, but in another part of the garden. Going to Heaven is like that, too. People miss each other for a while, but God is still taking care of all of us.

Anyway, I'm sitting here crying my guts out thinking about ways to explain these things to a 3-year-old. I hope my thoughts on the subject have been helpful.

Peace and prayers,
Syl

This happened to us last year. My daughter was 4 last year when her grandpa died and she was very very close to him. My dad was also a dialysis patient and she was really into it. We had taken her to the center to drop him off before and she knew exactly what the machine did and she could tell you how it worked at the age of 3 1/2. So when he got really sick we just told her about heaven and angels. She has done really well. She still tells us that she misses him sometimes, especially when she is in trouble and we tell her that we all miss him and give her a big hug. We have also told her that pennies are from heaven and everytime she sees pennies or even dimes and nickels she picks them up and says they are from her Pa. She also tells us that she talks to him so do not be surprised if your son says that when something happens. Going to the libary is also a great idea they had some books for the kids.

D.

A.,
I am sorry to hear you Father is ill. Years ago (in the 70's) my father in-law was struck with cancer. He and my son who wa about 3-4 years old (son is now 36) were very close. I made arrangements while his grandfather was in the hospital (and even ICU) to spend time visiting each other. Even for a few minutes but visits never lasted over an hour since grandfather would tire. I had my son color pictures, we picked out a "buddy bear" for him to take up to the hospital. Anything to make my son feel like he was doing something for his beloved grandfather. The trip to the hospital lasted 3 months before he passed away. Many thought I was nuts taking my son to the hospital, but to this day my son has memories of his grandfather. My son did not seem to notice all the tubes, and things we adults do, but instead saw someone he loved who was ill. For some reason these days we seem to hide death form children. Its a natural progression of life as all is. Sometimes children are so protected, the real world comes as a shock when they become young adults. Sadly my father in law did not live to see my daughter. He would have loved her dearly since there had not been any girls born in the family for 3 generations. Follow what you feel, and what you feel your son is ok with. You know him better then anyone! And wishing you strength and love ahead, L. (dry)

I think that at 3 he can understand heaven. Our two-year-old gets it. Both of our dogs died this year, and even at 16 months she was asking for the first one. We told her she was chasing chickens in the sky, and that she wasn't sick anymore. At 16 months she didn't really get it, but when our other one died and she was almost 2, we told her he was with the first one and they were both chasing chickens and rabbits in the sky. We told her they were in heaven and they felt better. She understands that Apo was very sick and then he died.
She tells us now that she misses him (she's a very verbal 2 year old). She told us she wanted to go chase rabbits in the sky with them. We told her she had to chase rabbits on the ground like Mona, our new dog.
The only issue was that when I had to go to the doctor for a check-up she started to cry because Apo went to the doctor and then died. He got sick so quickly and we had no idea it was cancer until the last day of his life, that we kept telling her he was going to be fine. Since you know Grandpa is terminal, all you have to say is that he is very sick. If your son asks if he will get better tell him no, but that you enjoy all the time with Grandpa that you have. He will be sad, but it won't be a betrayal when Grandpa dies.
If you are religious and believe in heaven go ahead and tell your son about it.

I like what Tammy said.
Is your father very aged? If so, it might be less frightening to your son to be told something along the lines of: " When we get old our bodies get all worn out and don't work they way they are supposed to anymore. Sometimes doctors can do things to help them last longer and sometimes they are just too worn out. When that happens, God lets people go to sleep and he takes them to heaven with Him, where the person is happy and not in pain from their body anymore."

You don't have to specifically mention your dad. But when the time comes, he will already have in his mind that Grandpa will go to sleep and be with God in a place where he is happy. Don't go overboard with the details, because he won't understand, or else he will be frightened and confused. Just make a simple statement and stop. If he wants more info he will ask questions. That's the really cool thing about kids. They are very good at self-regulating how much information they can handle. Don't be upset yourself (or let your feelings be hurt) if he has a seeming lack of interest in the subject. That's kids. He'll most likely say something like, "okay. Can we go play legos now?" or else he will skip the "okay" and just go ask to play... Or, he might totally not ask anything about how or what it means to die, but ask questions like "where is heaven?" "Do dogs/cats/fish go there, too?" sort of slightly removed sort of questions. Just try not to stress too much over the conversation itself. You know your child, and if you follow his lead about what he can process, you'll do fine. Answering the specifics of this question is a little tricky, b/c different religions have different beliefs, etc.

Our kids were much older when their GrandDaddy passed away, and they have been in Sunday School and church since birth, so they already knew what our faith believes about death. So we didn't have much to explain. They already knew GrandDaddy was sick. So, when he passed, we told them he had died and they were sad, but actually glad that he wasn't sick and feeble anymore. They were very sad for Gram, for not having GrandDaddy with her anymore, and they miss him, but they understand that death is part of life.
I personally don't think that talking to your son will traumatize him, but you do need to give him some time to digest some of it, before you take him to see his Grandpa. And I highly recommend that you do take him. Grandpa will enjoy seeing him. Just be sure that if you do, you tell him beforehand if Grandpa will look different or have tubes, etc. The machines and equipment can be scary to children b/c they don't know what they are for and they are noisy and beep, and in general just look pretty intimidating, etc.
May God bless you.

Our family is Christian & at the age of 3, both of my kids understood what Heaven is. Well, as much as they can at the age of 3. I think we need to give our kids more credit than we think we should b/c they understand more than we know. Death, in our family, is a sad thing, but also a blessing. To understand that, when you are saved, you go to Heaven when you die. So when we talk about death in our family, we talk about the simple facts, "Grandpa is ill & he is not doing well, so coming soon, Jesus is going to take him home & one day you will get to see him again." I know my kids are older now, be when they were young we had to talk about it too & they will not get as deep as we do in our feelings, but they can understand the simple facts. It may have to go deaper than that for him, but that is in simple terms to help him beginning to think with the idea that Grandpa is not going to be around much longer, but he will be in Heaven in a new body that doesn't hurt & he will be so happy. I don't know if this helped, but I will pray for you & your family as you all make adjustments & for peace for your Dad.

First you might want to talk to your husband about this -he may have some ideas, as well. The problem with not telling him is that not knowing may cause him to believe he is at fault when Grandpa does die. Explaining the sickness as simply, gently and honestly as you can is the best for your son, and that bodies wear out, stop working, and stop moving..and then they are no longer alive here. As far as Heaven goes, has your child heard the stories of Jesus? Also there is a very good book by Evelyn Roberts "Heaven has a Floor", the Book is Scriputrally based, and is a great book to share with your child.(I am not endorsing all of the Roberts' work here, but this book was excellent). Also, a book more geared to adults, but that can be communicated well to children is a book by Joni Earickson Tada called Heaven -Your Real Home . This one is really an eye opener on the reality of heaven and the focus that can bring to life here. Will be praying for you in this hard time.

It's been awhile since I was that age, but I wanted to share what I could remember. My grandfather died the early part of when I was 4, but I don't think I really got it until I was 5 because I still remember asking about him when I was in kindergarten.

What I remember is that at 5, I did realize that he wasn't coming back, but I just couldn't remember where they said he went. So be prepared to answer questions over and over again.

The other thing I remember is that I had several books that my parents had me look over whenever I thought of him. It had lots of pictures of Jesus and angels watching over people on earth. There was an angel that looked like my grandfather and a little girl on earth that looked like me -- I think that was what gave me a lot of comfort and helped me understand it.

I haven't looked at any of the books that the other mamas suggested, but I just wanted you to know that since I was at an age where I couldn't read, pictures were great.

Hope this helps.

Hello A. ,

I went through the same situation 4 years ago. My mother & Father became very ill , and they both passed away 4 days among each other . It was devastated for me to say the least , My son at that time he was three , He knew they were both sick because hey were in & out of the hospital constantly , He was very close to both of them , I was with my mother until her last breath . I expalined to him that they were very very ill and their body could not handle the pain in this life anymore , she ia an angel watching and taking care of him from above , I expalined the same thing 4 days later after my father passed away . To this date he ask me about them , He is 7 1/2 now , I tell him they are an angel taking care of him and his Baby broter .I never went into details when they were sick , You need to explain to them the necessary not anymore . It worked well for me . When he see picture of them he tell me mom I miss them , Are they doing well now . I simply say Yes , Honey , They are . Belive me after 4 years is still a bit hard for me . I wish you the best . For me this life is to make memories for those whom we love so much.

~ A.

My father and my father in law both passed away in 2007 due to cancer. Both were very sick for quite a while leading up to their death and my children, 10 and 3 at the time, had limited time with two people who had always been very active in their lives. It was far easier to explain it to a ten year old, but how to tell my three year old was difficult. Like you, my family is religious, but he was still too young to "get" heaven. We explained to him that Grandad and Grandpa were getting ready to go and stay with Jesus. We told him it was a very long journey and that they had to rest for a while to prepare for the trip. He understood that when you rest, you need quiet so he knew he needed to be quiet when visiting. We didn't let him see them at the very end, because of all of the machines and tubes and such. He did asked why Jesus couldn't just come here to visit instead, and we explained he had a very important job and could not leave to come here for a visit. It isn't easy. They really do not understand. He still asks hen they are coming home, and we explain over and over that they live with Jesus now, working very hard getting ready for us to move in with them when we get older. HE understnds that.Just prepare yourself for the onslaught of questions that will inevitably come.

We went through a similar situation with my daughter for her 1st, 2nd & almost 4th birthdays - her grandfather, my grandfather and then her grandmother died. I truly feel for you. I don't suggest telling him that his grandfather is terminal, but you can begin on the subject of death by reading books like "What is Heaven?" by Maria Shriver, "Just in case you ever wonder" by Max Lucado or "The fall of freddy the leaf" by Leo Buscaglia (we have read two out of three with our daughters). What we did, and she seemed to respond well, is have little chats here and there about what happens when we die, but nothing too deep. Perhaps you have an album of old photos, you could start there "Well, that's Uncle ____ and he's in heaven with God now." (that is what we believe, just add your own beliefs in there) Death is a part of life and if we broach the subject as a natural part of our existence, it won't scare him. And speaking about it with him may just ease the painful transition for yourself as well. But bring him to see his Grandad - it will do them both good! Blessings, Selene

It is hard because as adults involved,we are dealing at the same time with our own sence of loss. But please, take the time to sit with him and explain how sometimes God needs some grandparents in heaven to help watch over us. And He needs loving, caring people to do that. He doesn't know about heaven, but he does understand about a peaceful, warm place, with flowers and breezes. Keep it as simple as possible and try to amswer just his questions. At three, you will be grateful for his inocence.God bless you and your child.

When my daughter was facing this with her children she very simply told them that papa was going to heaven to live with Jesus. They were sad for awhile, but accepted it very well. When their dog passed away just a few months later, she told them that the dog was now with papa and Jesus in heaven and only when they are old and have lived a very long, good life they can go live with papa and the dog and Jesus. Hope this helps as it seemed to work well for her children who were one and three at the time.

There is a book called GOD GAVE US HEAVEN
by Lisa Tawn Bergren, maybe it can help a litle to talk as you read a story.

God bless you and your family

be as honest as possible. tell her when people get older sometimes their bones and bodies tire out. and they have done all they are suppose to do here and so then they go to Heaven and there they can be with God and the angels.tell her he will always be in your hearts and memory. but soon he may go to be with God and the angels.tell her he has a sickness that his body can not fight. but when he gets to heaven God will give him a new body and he will stay there and never be sick again.tell her one day when the time is right you will all see him again.

Three years old is very young to explain the concept of death and heaven. You've done right by saying that Grandpa is very sick. You could use this time to teach your son how to pray. My youngest is 2 years old and he knows how to bow his head, clasp his little hands, and even hold our hands at the dinner table when we say our blessing before eating. Your son won't understand "death" even if you tried. The time will come when your father will die and your son will not understand where his beloved grandfather went. Perhaps you can tell your son that there is a special place that his grandpa went and it's a place called heaven. In heaven, his grandpa is well and not sick anymore. I'm sorry I can't offer anything more...if your little was older, perhaps it would be a little easier to explain. And, death is never easy for any age, really. I'm sorry for you and your family. I hope you'll find comfort through your faith in the Lord.

I agree with the general concensus of the other moms... Be honest no matter what. And explain it in terms that they can understand, as well as explaining your religious beliefs on the subject of death. In the last 3 years both my Granny and Papa have passed away, as well as one of our dogs. I told the children the truth each time, that Granny was sick and that she was ready to go to heaven and not be in pain anymore. The same with Papa about a year and a half later. They did get sad and cry and I made sure they knew that was okay. I also made sure to place pictures of the kids with Granny and Papa around the house, so that when they were sad or missing them they could look at these pictures and remember the good times and all the happy memories. And of course we still talk about them almost daily in some way or another, and this lets them know that just because they are gone it does not mean that we have to forget about them. Believe it or not, they understand alot more than we sometimes give them credit for.

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. To watch a parent deteriorate physically cannot be easy. I'm happy to hear you have much love and support around you. Consider your son and his maturity for his age, how you communicate with him, how he comprehends difficult situations. This may be more traumatic to just have grampa go away without seeing him OR he may have a difficult time seeing him in a hospital setting, looking differently to what your son remembers. Either way you'll probably wish you chose the other. ;)
Has your son ever seen an animal that has died?
If your son is one that is easy to communicate with I suggest telling him your dad is very ill and that he will probably have to leave his body. You might get a bunch of questions which you can answer as you wish then ask if he would like to see grandpa. Then remind him (even on the way over) that he will be sick and weak and probably look differently, give him the opportunity to say yes or no.

Good luck through this very difficult time.
In Peace