Dear mums, I am so lost right now, i am desperately looking for an advice. I met my husband when we were 19 and moved in with him at 23. We have been married for 7 years now and have 4 yo boy. Things are so bad, really bad. We fight a lot and these fights are almost every day now. I tried to make it work, I tried so hard, but it was in vain. He is very controlling, extremely short tempered, jealous. He likes to control everything: how I spend our money (we both work full time),he needs to know where I am all the time. I work until 6 pm and he is working until 5pm so he takes our son from kindergarten. He complains about having to take him to kindergarten every day. When I finish work I cannot be late because is mad. I cannot even see my mother. He doesn't stop me, but he will get into nasty fights with me. He doesn't agree to let me get the driver's licence. We both paid for the car, but he says he will never let me drive it. Meanwhile he is complaining every day that he has to takes our son to and from kindergarten. I don't understand it. When we fight it's a nightmare. He starts the fight in front of our son, in fact he tells him what a bad mother and wife I am. I get furious and then he will call me names, push me, grab me, spit on me. He even let marks on my arms a couple of times. I am still wondering why??? Why does he do this to me? He seems like a monster when we fight. He shows me his fists, follows me everywhere in the house. I have never known how to react when this happens. I have palpitations and I yell at him too. I am a nervous wreck, I cannot go on like this. He doesn't see his fault in all of this. It is always my fault. The house is not clean enough, food is not good, I am late home, I spend too much money ( btw he is gambling) there is always a reason for him to be mad. He never does anything with us as a family, I go with my son everywhere, just the two of us. He is not helping in the house not even a little. I have to do everything. He only goes shopping. When we are at home if I am busy with cleaning, cooking he sits for hours watching TV or playing on his laptop. If the child says he is thirsty I have to drop what I am doing to go get him a glass of water because his father won't move a finger. I wash our son, I feed him, I play with him, my husband is as a furniture- in his good days.
This is my situation and it is so sad and so scary that I am paralysed. I now that I cannot live like this forever, but I cannot do anything about it. I am scared, I have 1000 ifs and only ifs in my head. I really cannot picture myself divorced and living somewhere else. It is just so difficult. I'd rather die, than having to face this. I don't know when I can be strong enough to do anything, it is never the right time. I am afraid of being lonely, but I also have this life. He threatens to take my child. As crazy it may sound, our son is more attached to his father. I don't know why, but he always prefers him over me. So it is heartbreaking. I have never imaged that my life will look like this at 31. I appreciate all your answers, thank you
You are in an abusive relationship.
There is a better life for you away from him.
Call a women's shelter.
They will help you leave safely.
It's very important that you know how to leave SAFELY.
This is when women die--when they try to leave without proper guidance.
Be safe.
And strong.
He is abusive. Hopefully you have a friend at work who an help you. To start with get a bank account in your name only, you can take half of all money in joint accounts and deposit your paycheck in your account, next find a way to get your license, start packing treasured items such as family photos, heirlooms, memories etc. and find a place to store them, even a friends garage. Next talk to a divorce attorney and file for a divorce.
This man will hurt you physically -- he is killing you emotionally -- get out NOW.
I just want to say good for you for being brave, and recognizing that you deserve better. If you haven't quite realized that, you do. And so does your son.
No one deserves to live in fear or oppression. He's abusive, and I think you know that. So you need to take steps now (lots of great ones below to follow) and start the process.
I know it's scary - but you can come on here any time and get moral support. I'm sure you must have someone (work? family member?) you can confide in. I think all the moms here are rooting for you :)
Your son doesn't prefer your husband, he's probably scared of him. I had a friend in a similar situation - she thought her kids preferred her husband, but they were intimidated and didn't want him to know mommy was who they felt safe with.
It will be ok in the end. It will all work out. And you will feel like you're living a new life. You won't be lonely. You will have space in your life and the freedom to fill it with positive people, love and friendships.
Keep us posted - I'm rooting for you. And remember, YOU deserve respect, love, and to be treated with dignity. You don't deserve to be kept underfoot. No one does - and you sound like a great mom.
Good luck :) Wishing you well. I think if you take the first step, you will find it just gets easier with each baby step.
You need help far beyond what this board can do for you. Please call 1-800-799-7233. Does he monitor your cell phone to see what call you make? If so, call from a phone at work, or borrow a phone.
http://www.thehotline.org/ Don't look at the website from home. Go to the library or look at it from a computer at work, if possible.
They can help you come up with a plan.
it sounds as if your husband has done a great job convincing you that you are worthless, incapable and don't deserve happiness. it will take some time for you to rewrite that narrative, even if you know intellectually that it's he who's at fault, not you.
the fear of being alone is a big one to overcome, but when you find the courage, you'll realize that it was all hot air. being 'alone' will be SO much better than living like this. think about being able to move freely around your own home, and interact with your son, without that constant scowling presence and fear. you'll be a new woman.
but few women in your position value themselves enough to make that first, terrifying step. and if you can't do it for yourself, please please please do it for your child. he 'prefers' his father because he is so very young, and in his unsafe world, he gravitates toward 'strength', even though that's not actually what your husband is offering. you child lives in fear, and the only way a very small child can deal with fear is to find protection, and since you're beaten down and afraid, his dad, monstrous though he is, looks like a better bet.
and this is what he's learning. this is the model of 'how to be a man' that your child is internalizing.
let THAT be your motivator.
call a shelter. do it today. do it right now. get off the computer and call a shelter, and get out.
i'm praying for you, hon.
khairete
S.
I think you already realize that he is abusive. He has slowly beat you down until you are afraid to do anything.
PLEASE contact a domestic violence hotline or shelter. They may be able to help you see more clearly.
Is this how you want your son to treat his future partners? He will grow up thinking that this is the proper way to treat a person.
Please get help and get out of this situation!
Im sorry you are going through this. You are not in a healthy relationship at all and it is also not healthy for your son. I think that you should talk to someone such as the Family Violence Project, they helped me through a rough patch with my daughter's father. They are great at giving you encouragement to do what is best for you and your son, and they can help point you in the right direction for resources. You say you'd rather die than face this, but you are living day to day in a life that you cannot thrive in. You can't picture living outside of this marriage because you have been treated this way for so long. It gets better, think of it as if you are at the bottom now, and the only way to go is up. You will be amazed to learn how strong you are when you finally take that first step. Another thought, your husband is teaching your child that this is how relationships and marriage is supposed to be. The longer you stay and don't put some distance between him and your husband, the more likely your son is to grow up and treat his future girlfriends and wife like this. He needs to learn that this is not a loving relationship and that couples are to cherish each other. My daughter's father threatened to keep her away from me when we broke up, but he had no leg to stand on. If your husband doesn't like picking him up from kindergarten, then chances are he doesn't want the responsibility full time either. It sounds like an empty threat. And luckily for you, courts usually are in favor of the mother. Don't worry about how a divorce is going to affect your son, he is being affected negatively more now than he will with the actual divorce. He won't understand now, but someday he will. I didn't understand when my parents split, but looking back now, all I remember is them fighting all the time, and it was scary for me (I was like 7ish). Get a good support system and do what you need to do for you and your son. As long as you truly keep your good health and well being in mind (as well as your little man's) then you can expect a good outcome.
I would pick being alone and living in peace any day over being with the wrong person living like this. I worry that it will only get worst for you. i don't have any advice as I have never been in this situation but I hope you start taking steps to protect yourself and be strong.
Open a checking account in YOUR name only and do NOT tell him you have it.
Pack up a few changes of clothes for you and your son and GET OUT! Do it yesterday. Do NOT leave a note telling him you are leaving, and do NOT let him know where you have gone.
Contact your son's school, and tell them that his father is NOT to be allowed to pick him up anymore. Or pull your son out of school and enroll him somewhere else, with instructions ot to releasae him to anyone but you. I assume that if he is four, it is preschool and not public school assigned by your address.
If there is a shelter in your area, go there. If not, go to a friend or family member's house, or even a cheap motel. If he finds you and shows up there, CALL THE COPS.
Loneliness is scary, but how much more lonely can you be than in the situation you're in now? And alone is better than dead, which is where you will eventually be as his abusive behavior escalates, which it will. Been there, done that, got the scars.
Your son is attached to his father because he sees that his father has all the power in the home. He is learning that the way his father treats you is the way men should treat the women in their lives, and if you keep him in that situation, it is how he will treat the women in his life when he's older, because he will think it's normal.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You say you don't know when you can be strong enough to do anything, but you have to be. You have to be strong for yourself and especially for your son. Your situation is unhealthy for you and your son and he's depending on you to get him out of it. You got really good advice below. Please call the number given below even if you're not ready to do anything right this moment. They will explain things to you and give you resources so that you'll know what to expect when the time comes.
Do you have family near you for support (that will actually help you when you leave?). First - it is great that you work full time. That gives you the means to take care of yourself. Work on your exit plan secretly while talking to some of the counseling lines mentioned below. 1) Open your own checking account so you have it ready when you need it. 2) Get your driver's license if you can do it without him knowing. 3) Start looking for an apartment or something you can afford on your own 4) Document everything that has happened so far - but please don't do it in a place he can find it. Leave your notes at work if possible 5) Start talking to a lawyer.
Unless there is something you are not telling us, then likely you would get at least 50% custody of your child. Get your plan completely together. Get the police involved if/when you decide to make your move. Let them know what is going on, and that you are afraid of what he will do. Good luck!
Call a womens shelter, get some advice and make your escape plan.
You and your child deserve a better life.
If you can't do it for yourself (many women can't) then do it for your child s sake.
What he sees in his every day life is what he will think is normal and he will grow up to be just like his Dad.
You have to stop this.
You are already a virtually single parent.
You might as well make it official.
And things WILL get better because then you won't be putting up with his BS anymore.
Also - stop dropping what ever you are doing to serve ANYBODY.
They can wait patiently until you are finished or they can learn to serve themselves.
The reason you are spending too much money is because he is addicted to gambling and needs more money to spend. I'd take every precaution and find resources in your town to find a safe place to go. Then one day act like you're leaving for work but go back home after he's left and grab a few things for you and your child then leave and go to that safe place.
Having time to think and not be afraid will help you to make rational decisions.
the others have given great advice. don't hold back, get help and get out.
me and my husband are trying to work thru our issues which were similar but not as bad as what you describe. but my husband also knows that if he lays a finger on me or the kids then he will be out. period.
i have never been pushed grabbed nor spit on. if that were the case he would of been kicked to the curb and i would not look back.
be strong. do this for you and your son. your husband is teaching your child how to treat a woman, you need to show your son that this is not right and its not how anyone should treat another human being.
don't be afraid, there are people out there that are trained to help you and keep you safe. talk to them and take steps towards having a better life
To answer the only question you had here...because you let him.
If you didn't say he shows you his fists, I would say to just do what you want.
So it is time to move on, with or without him. Maybe he will get help and fix what is broken within him.
