Basically, I am looking for ways to show my husband I am thinking of him and love him. The back story is that over the last year or so, we have become disconnected. It is both our faults, neither of us making a real effort, and both of us wrapped up in our own hobbies and whatnot. We no longer share interests, he often gets on my nerves, I rarely want sex...etc. etc. etc. I finally came to the conclusion that yes, I still love him, and I need to make a real effort, and hopefully I can find those good feelings again. For the last week, I have been trying to do one thoughtful thing for him a day. My thought is that, by having to think about and plan something nice for him daily, I can make him more of a focus instead of just focusing on the kids all the time. So far, it has gone really really well. I am actually surprised at what a difference it is making so far. But I also need some help coming up with ideas. Hopefully some of you ladies and gents can throw out some ideas! I would like to do this daily for all of February.
Here is what I have done so far:
-Cleaned/detailed his car
-Loaded up a box of his favorite diet foods and treats and left them in his car on the first day of his diet (they are having a weight loss competition at work)
-Bought a pack of gum and left it in his car, he likes to have gum for his workouts
-Sent a dirty text message during the day and then actually had sex that night (this is a big one for me...my libido has been absent for a long time)
Some of the ideas I have planned are: Go on a date, find a babysitter for my 4 year old and go meet him for lunch during the day, slip an Itunes gift card in his gym bag so he can get some new workout music. Since he is watching his weight, I don't want to make any of these really involve food; I don't want to sabotage his diet. I also do not want to break the bank :) He doesn't have a lot of hobbies...he does a lot of video gaming, he likes running/jogging, football. Please help me out. Thanks in advance!!
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It sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the good work!
Maybe you could give him a rubdown or take a walk with him?
Leave him little notes in his car. It can be as simple as "I love you" or you can go into more detail.
Let him know that you notice the little things he does for you. If he washes a few dishes - thank him for it.
There is something called the "I Like Book" that may be helpful for you building your relationship back up with your husband. They make them for couples and kids. I ordered one for my 5 year old daughter and I'm hoping it will help build up her confidence and self esteem. Basically, every day you write something you like about the person. It can be something really small or something big.
*FYI - There is a Groupon for the "I Like Book" but it expires at the end of today.
Also, I just want to congratulate you for taking steps to get your marriage back on track instead of giving up. It sounds like you're seeing results and your efforts are starting to pay off. :)
One of the most common sense things I have ever read is "The 5 love languages". ((I promise, this is on point in a moment))
Most people have 2 primary ones.
- quality time
- acts of service
- gifts (giving or receiving)
- physical touch
- words of affirmation
When things have the MOST impact, is when what you're doing for the other person hit their primaries.
My friends N&D, for example are reeeeeally normal in having 4 different ones between them.
D is Physical Touch & Quality Time
N is Words of Affirmation & Acts of Service.
A brief shoulder rub, or sitting so close to D on the couch that they touch... or booking a babysitter so they can have a few hours together... means a LOT more to D than anything else! N could clean until the cows came home, have boxes and boxes of thoughtful gifts, and be telling D how amazing he is in word and note... and D just wouldn't feel anywhere near as special as that 2 minute shoulder rub makes him feel!
N, though, gets the warm fuzzies with a simple note written on a napkin, and melts if the dishes are done.
BOTH have a habit of giving "their" warm fuzzies to the other person. N writes notes to D all the time, D gives shoulder rubs to N. They're TRYING to say "I love you, you're amazing!" but they're using the wrong language.
They ended up in marriage counseling a couple years ago, and now both go to the effort of ADDING the other person's warm fuzzies into what they do.
The things you're doing are hitting 4 out of 5 of the languages... so at least half of them are "getting through".
You could do less but get more... if you could figure out what HIS "Awwww! THANKYOU! This is amaaaaazing!" responses are.
It's not about doing less, per se... it's about getting the sustainable impact. None of these have to be expensive (although acts of service and quality time tend to be time intensive).
It's just a thing to keep in mind. Both what yours ARE (aka what you'd like him to be doing for you), and what HIS are.
Football:
- Buying ticekts and giving them to him to take the boys = gifts
- Going with him to a game = quality time
- Cleaning and prepping all of his game gear OR cooking all the game snacks/ packing them and taking them to the car -if you're going to-, or laying them out and cleaning them up after = acts of service
- Pounding him on the back / spontaneous kisses during good moments/wins = physical touch
- "You really know a lot about this game! I love how excited you get, etc." = words of affirmation
You could do all 5 of these things, but if he's not even going to NOTICE 3 of them, or they just don't mean much, but the other two gives him stars in his eyes and makes him feel over the moon at how much you love him... ?
We have a spiral notebook by our coffee pot. Each day we secretly write a note to the other. It is a running list of 2-3 line "I love you"'s. I try to think of something different to write each day. He does it too! and we keep our filled notebooks in top of our closet. Every once in awhile, I'll put on something sexy underneath my regular clothes and then just casually undress in front of him, or even ask him to unbutton (please help, I'm having difficulty with this button)... Love the surprised look on his face! Send a text with "you are my destiny"... "I miss you", etc.
I think anything you can do that increases your physical contact with him (sex or not), will help to restore that intimacy. Just being close to each other is enough. I love your ideas, but you don't have to go overboard on buying him little things.
Just a prolonged hug. Or a touch as you walk by him in the house...
A kiss goodbye, just little stuff like that....
awww thats awesome. Your ideas are so sweet.
I'm only good at "fun" ones
-Go out one night late to the store (obviously you don't need to go anywehre but the car) and come back wearing nothing but a coat or with something that makes you feel good and thats it on and knock on the door for him to answer and be suprised
-Fruit and wine at night waiting for him
-Maybe after you put your 4 yr old to bed set up a healthy romantic candlelit dinner, dress up and have light music playing and maybe dance together?
-Can you go running with him?
-Maybe a revealing photos sent by phone?
-make a scavenger hunt that ends with finding you in bed or ends with a cute present you got for him
-you can also make a scavaneger hunt with clues for him and your son to do together and then they each get a present at the end
-is he involved in a sport with your 4yo? maybe sign them up for daddy and M. karate'?
This might sound off topic, but I just read a really great book called "love and respect" by eggerichs. While the guy is a Christian, I think both Christians and non-Christians can get tons out of this book. It talks about wives showing respect for their husbands in little ways and how that's men's "love language" and it starts a wonderful cycle of him showing love back. Guys love knowing that they are respected and most of us women like to be shown they are loved. Just a thought. I was laughing as I was reading the book and author said that if husbands and wives did this "love-respect" thing, there would be no need for Viagra and similar products, lol. Good luck. I think it's so wonderful that you are being so thoughtful and proactive about your marriage.
I want to echo what Riley J. said. You should read the book "The Five Love Languages." It will help you determine what his "love language" is and also open your eyes to your own. So, when he does start responding to what you're doing and want to do the same for you, you will be prepared with an answer. But, for some people - just taking out the trash for him on a day that it's his chore could be an act of service that he would respond to knowing that you love him, or if he is into the "physical touch" - just holding his hand while you watch tv could send him the message that you love him. It takes some time and effort on your part and I want to commend you for working on this and trying to figure it out. Good job and good luck finding what works best for him.
Have someone watch your 4 year old and go jogging with him.
Since he's into football, make an extra special snack for him during the Super Bowl.
Good luck! I'm glad it's working for you and that you are feeling better about things.
You have a four year old? What's little one's fave TV show? Plop him/her in front of it, and have a make-out session in the closet, on a Saturday afternoon. No sex, just old-fashioned making out. Remember high school?
If you are awake in the middle of the night, send him an e-mail. That way, it'll be there first thing in the morning when he gets to work.
Put a note in his jacket pocket, but beware: it might take him a while to find it, so that one could be "extra," not just your thing for the day. Otherwise, put a note or card in his sock drawer.
We have a glass shower door, and I have stayed up late to take a dry-erase board marker to it (glass cleaner takes it right off the glass - but then ours isn't frosted), and written little notes or drawn pictures. (For a written message, write it mirror-image, so he can read it from INSIDE the shower. It takes practice, but once you get the hang of it, you'll not only have a neat way to leave notes, but a fun oddball talent, too!)
And I want to echo Julie F's congratulations! Great idea - and it makes me realize I need to do some more special things for my sweetie, too!
I am so excited that Valetine's month is finally here!
I am planning to give my husband a card every day. I have had a hard time finding cards I like, but looking for them has given me ideas-- so I am making my own most days. Some are "I love you"'. Some are suggestive. Some are just "I'm thinking of you", or "thanks" -- for some little deed, or for loving me, of just for being you
Yesterday I had him climb in the back of the van with me... (NOT a good idea! He is fragile from a recent surgery... ) Oh well, some hit; some miss.
Today I am planning to wash his feet. I picked up a dishpan, and bubble bath, and exfoliating gloves, and lotion, and a manicure set including a nail brush and large toenail clippers, and the softest towel I could find... After yesterday, we will likely be dressed for it. Next time-- who knows?
I wander stores looking for ideas and am spending way too much, so I need to work on $ free ways. I have bought lingerie, but also just a tank top and lacy undies (which I NEVER wear). I bought some gel sticky things made to go on windows or glass-- I am planning to have him walk into the bathroom one morning to gel lip prints on the mirror.
One day I am hoping to take him shopping in the bath and beauty department and explore our sense of smell-- looking for favorite fragrances so I can learn what he'd like me to smell like. (We already know at least one I like on him.)
My husband recently mentioned he had wondered whether we would like a bedroom toy. I said I was open to the idea and we are planning to look together.
Way more information than I would normally tell anyone... but I have not been able to get him off my mind. Just taking the time to look for ideas and think about what he might appreciate has helped my libido (which is often very missing.)
I found a list online of "50 ways to love your lover"-- most were not sexual. I read through it and marked the one I thought applied to MY husband and then had him "grade my test". Seems I was right on those I marked... but I had missed marking several. Even in the process I thought of 3 more that "should" have been on the list and added them. One as simple as "Wear your wedding ring" (which he confirmed IS important to him.)
Sorry to go on so long... hope it helps!
You need date nights. We've always had a weekly date night unless someone was sick. You don't have to spend a lot of money, you can take a long walk, window shop, etc
For me, I send dirty texts and an occasional risque snapshot of myself to him.
