Looking for Man Advice

Mama....sounds like he has a friend who happens to be a girl.
From what you are saying it sounds pretty harmless.
L.

I hate to say it, but a relationship without a formal marriage commitment does leave some things up in the air and undefined, doesn't it?

If he was interested in another woman, would that really be considered cheating if he isn't married?

Maybe you two should sit down and talk about commitment...

Sounds like conversations I have had with old friends, male and female.

I don't get any red flags from what you listed as talking points.

If you are really worried about it, ask him, just say basically what you said here.
But, personally, it would not bother me.

I'm not trying to be bitchy -- really, I'm not -- but you haven't built a family and you aren't a team. Not yet. If he wanted to get up and leave, he has no obligation to stay with you, pay you money, support you in any way or be there for your son. I know you love him and trust him, but when you both love and trust each other enough to make the bond legal, that speaks volumes. It's not just a piece of paper or a formality. It's protection for both of you and, most importantly, children. I'm not trying to preach to you, but I do think you need to consider that you may not be on as secure a footing as you want to be - which might be part of why this conversation is freaking you out.

From what you've written, there are no red flags in what he wrote for me. If I found that conversation between my husband and an old girlfriend, obviously catching up, I'd ask if I was curious but pretty much, I'd let it go. There is a red flag for me, though, that this worries you as it does. It suggests a level of insecurity that you shouldn't be feeling. If you're getting red flags, I don't think it's coming from the conversation alone.

ETA: to Osohapi -- you wrote, " if he were my husband, he wouldn't need any more friends" -- Really??? I'd hate to be my husband's only friend! Talk about unhealthy codependency!

You are overreacting, IMHO. It sounds like a perfectly normal conversation. Actually, +1 to your boyfriend for mentioning you right away.

Instincts and gut feelings are there all the time. But sometimes, it is better to use patience and wisdom, and wait until trouble really occurs before you start reacting. You might simply end up creating an issue when there never was one in the first place. Beware!

Nothing in that conversation shows red flags. Why is this not sitting well with you? Are you insecure about your relationship? Are you worried that it is ending? Maybe there is more background into why you are unsure about this.

I do not tell my husband about every conversation I have had. Yes, I have friendships with guys that I have dated in the past. My husband knows. He is friends with women he has dated in the past. I have no worries about this. I trust him, and trust in our marriage. I know my husband loves me and would not break our vows.

Cheating in my opinion is anything you do with someone that you can not/will not/do not tell your significant other. So if I go for coffee with an old friend and I hug him and give him a kiss on the cheek. I have no issue with telling my husband. Do I come out and say Hey I kissed X and hugged him. No, because my husband already knows since I do the same thing when we are together.

So you have to ask yourself. Do you trust him. Yes, then this conversation was just that. A conversation. If no, that might be why you are questioning this.

Good luck

Why does it not "sit right" with you?

You read his conversations.... I didn't pick up anything other than old friends chatting and maybe he has some concern that his schedule bothers you so he's looking for advice so he makes sure you are covered as far as your "concerns"

If you are living together , you with previous children, then you have set yourself up because no bedroom fun should be above the priority of your children. Your #1 should be your children until they are out of school and on their own.

We don't believe on snooping on each other. Conversation at my house for over 20 yrs has been wide open.

I suggest stronger communication skills, maybe don't act like a family until you are all fully committed to it with marriage and can handle each other having friendships with same and opposite sexes.

my dh could not be less interested in my casual FB conversations. i know i wouldn't mean anything by this exchange, and have any need to hide or share it.
but only you know if you have cause to worry about this or not. your reaction to it speaks of trust issues that are bigger than a (probably) innocuous FB conversation.
khairete
S.

That's pretty much a conversation I would have with an old friend. He mentioned you right away. I don't see the issue here. Why the insecurity? What is it about her, this conversation...that has your feathers ruffled. The problem, is your insecurity, not the conversation. Were you cheated on in the past?

He is your partner, TALK to him!!

Have you discussed boundaries? Are you exclusive? Have you each defined:
1. What is privacy, to us. What amount of privacy is ok in our relationship and in our home (re: passwords, mail, messages etc)
2. What is flirting and what is too much flirting?
3. What is cheating?
4. How will we handle opposite sex friendships?
5. How will we socially handle friendships, in general? (for example how much "going out" without the other, us without kids etc is OK)
6. What is different about fidelity before and after marriage?

I was in a 3 year relationship that ended up with me discovering his affair. I drug him to a relationship counselor, told him what I had discovered and we set up a plan for counseling.

The first thing the counselor had us do was talk about how we felt about the above questions. It was EYE-OPENING. I can tell you that I could have made a determination about my future with him LONG before I actually discovered he was cheating just based on the differences to those questions.

If you want to stay - In my mind you can do 2 things:

1. Ask him directly about the post and the girl. I actually don't recommend this. It's confrontational and doesn't set you up to move forward as a couple. if you go this route, I would do it at a counselor's office.

2. Start having conversations with him about the above topics and see what he says. Don't ask him leading questions, but set up scenarios that he answers "i joined this blog site and one of the questions was asked about sharing facebook passwords.... what are your thoughts about that?"
See what he says. etc etc.

I can tell you that I broke up with him and have now met and married a GREAT guy. We had hours and hours of discussion about the above topics and I was able to see that he was on the same page I was because I asked him questions and let HIM answer FIRST - before he knew what I wanted him to say.

I wish you luck.

Sounds like two people having a normal convo. No suspicious activity at all. Close the spy book on this one.

I think you answered your own question love. If you TRUST him then it is nothing. If he is attentive to you and your son (who is not his) then there is nothing to worry about. I know as women when we find stuff like this is happening to our guys we tend to get a little anxious about things... but if you seriously trust him and have a wonderful relationship, let it go. He is allowed to have friends that are girls.

ps. i dont think you should be "ashamed" for snooping! If it were me, i would have done the same thing if my DH/boyfriend left his FB open. So I guess we both should be ashamed of ourselves! Chin up sweets!

Sounds completely innocent to me. I have old friends and had conversations like that with them when I was married. I see nothing sexual in it. If anything, your boyfriend was expressing his concern for YOU, and how his schedule makes things hard on YOU. YOU were the thing uppermost in his mind.

No man (woman) is an island. They were friends years ago and possibly dated IN THE PAST. If he had wanted to be with her --- he would be with her. He is with you.

Do you ever talk whether online or in person to a guy your dated in the past? If you ran into your HS boyfriend in the grocery store would you say HI and talk a bit o just ignore him? You's probably talk a little, see how he is and tell him about your life. Should your current partner be upset? NO

Unless he is sneaking around and dating her behind your back, I wouldn't worry about it.

This conversation sound so innocent. I've had such conversations with male friends over the years. Friends who were married or in relationships. They were just that. A conversation between friends. He wasn't trying to hide it. It was there for you to see.

I would mention to your boyfriend that his Facebook page was open and you read the posts. Tell him you don't know why but you're feeling anxious about it. Use I statements. Do not accuse him of anything. Ask him to talk with you about it. Listen. Ask for reassurance if you still need it.

By not talking about this with your boyfriend you're sabotaging your relationship. You have to maintain open communication in order to function as a couple. Always ask when you're uncertain about something. Respect him enough to give him the opportunity to tell you his side of what happened.

Doesn't sounds suspicious at all. No need to "address it" or even bring it up. If you are happy in your relationship, no need to rock the boat by making a mountain out of a mole hill!

Relax, I see no issue with it from what you wrote here. You should be ashamed for snooping.

Red flag in my book . . . but then again I'm not crazy about a mom of a young child living with someone she's not married to. What are the expectations when you are not married? Have you guys discussed that? I liked CoMoMom's answer alot.

I think that the first step is to tell him that he left it open and you read it. You're not accusing him of being inappropriate, but you can't help feeling a bit uneasy and would like to ease your heart and mind. Then, have a discussion about what you guys want and expect when it comes to friends of the opposite sex. Get on the same page, or, at least, figure out that you're not on the same page, and go from there.

I just seems to me like you guys made assumptions about what to expect and didn't have the discussion about this very thing--interactions with opposite sex, interactions with exes, privacy (between you). Sometimes these things don't become an issue until they're an issue. Now, it's time to talk about it. There's no right or wrong, just how you two agree that your relationship will be handled. We put so much weight on unspoken words. We think that just having the (assumed) understanding makes our relationship deeper and stronger. It's quite all right to communicate via intuition, but in order to clarify and then establish expectations, you should verbalize.

I don't see anything in the conversation that would throw up a red flag for me. It sounds like a conversation between old friends (and they can be old friends now even if they were once lovers). Based on the conversation you've described, they're just catching up, and she knows that you are his girlfriend. But then, I have no problem with my husband having female friends, and he has no problem with me having male friends.

So how do you feel about his other female friends? Do they all give you the feeling that something isn't right? If so, then this is more about you. But if you are comfortable with his other female friends, and only have the "not right" feeling about this one, then it's time to look a little closer.

L.,

I don't want to scare you at all, but Several things here....

#1, TRUST YOUR GUT
#2, TRUST YOUR GUT

I'm not gonna "sugar coat" this for you honey, so here goes:

I have been in your same position. My Ex-Husband was carrying on SEVERAL past relationships with old "Female friends", and Ex-Girlfriends from day one. I never knew who any of these women were, until he left HIS computer on by mistake.

He promised that they were all "just old friends", and I believed it, until I found TONS of exchanged e-mails that told a completely different story. One of the Girls even called me and told a lie FOR HIM about them going to college together...(he later admitted that it was a lie in Counseling). The majority of the Women never knew he was Married, or had a child, until I told them.

Looking back...DEEP in my gut, I had that "something isn't right" feeling when I found the e-mails. If I had trusted my intuition then, it may have saved me from becoming a "Divorce" statistic.

The conversation you spoke about sounds completely innocent, but if there is something "deep in your gut" that's telling you something ain't right, PLEASE explore that!!

You stated that you are in love, that you have built a Family, and that everything is wonderful. I want you to be able to contiunue that, without having that "nagging feeling" that something just isn't right. Communicate...OFTEN. Your Guy sounds great, but when Guys start re-connecting with women (that you know nothing about)...??????

Before your imagination starts running wild, let him know what you found, and ask him about it. Point blank...PERIOD. If he says there's nothing going on, then let it go.

If something between these two happens to surface in the future, then you'll know that there is some truth to this "Intuition" thing.

Good Luck L. A,
Let us know how it goes!!

Wait and watch to see what happens. That's only thing you really can do. He's the only one in control of his actions whether they be positive or negative. Then you do what you feel is best.

It might "seem" like a "normal" "friend" conversation but the fact is, he is in a serious relationship with YOU. I would ask him about it so he knows that YOU know about it. Just my opinion, but if he were my husband, he wouldn't need any more friends, especially women. It is just an easy opportunity for something more to happen. You play with fire and you will get burned. Talk to him. Good luck.

Can u same more about what it was and why it doesn't sit right?