It sounds to me like your husband is overwhelmed by many things. First of all, many men are jelous of their wives. Yes, they do think that it's easy to stay at home all day. They picture the chores being done in any order we like, and the idea that we can move slow through our day if we want and we don't have a boss or even several bosses looking over our shoulders.
When I was licensed for 10 children in my daycare, I had all 10 kids plus my own 3 oldest girls and I was open 7 days per week/24 hours per day. Even with literally 20 families coming and going all day and night he still felt he worked harder than I and still made comments about me being home all day. I've always had to handle all the family phone calls, oversee work projects in the home, homeschool our kids, and do all the shopping, cooking and cleaning. I used to have a 12 passenger van and have had to employ the help of part-time assistants just to get one of our children to the doctor.
I wish I could say that these men are few and far between, but they aren't. My husband NEVER got up with any of our 4 girls. I didn't even expect him to because I just knew instinctively he wouldn't do that. It simply wasn't worth the arguments.
I'm sorry your going through this, but you'll make your plight worse by carrying around a lot of resentment toward your husband. You can try to get him to see it your way, but he likely won't do that.
About your son. Would it be so terribly bad for him to sleep in his clothes? Who ever said a child had to be in pajamas anyway? And would it be terribly bad to shut the tv off and let him sleep on the couch? Your not a bad mom if you do these things. You have a choice. You can have the fight with your son before he falls asleep. Or you can save the fight for the AM when you need to change him into new clothes.
I can't tell you how to raise your son. But I can tell you this. In our house I'm the one that likes to go to sleep early. I get the daycare kids down by 8PM. I let them sleep on an air mattress in front of the tv. But only rarely do I let them fall asleep to a cartoon. Usually, I watch one show between 8 and 9PM and they drift off trying to watch my show that they aren't really interested in. It's a matter of sticking to your guns. I have no problem with my daycare kids going to bed.
My own 6 year old is another question. But that's because my husband is the night owl. I am going to tell you the truth about kids. If either parent is up they want to be up. If you want your child to sleep you have to shut off ALL the lights and noises and go to bed. My husband keeps my 6 year old up because he's awake. When she can't stay awake anymore or just passes out he'll put her in bed. And yes, she usually sleeps in her clothes from the day before. I used to fight this process. I have 4 daughters, 2 of them grown and the 16 year old still at home as well as the 6 year old. My 16 year old now puts herself to bed by 9PM every night. But she was up late with her dad and her sisters for years. I am sorry if this doesn't sound like what you want to hear. But your son is up because of you and your husband is right. We were intended to go to bed with the chickens and get up with the light. If you can't or won't do this it is because you enjoy the quiet night and would enjoy it even more if the kids were sleeping. My husband wanders around in parts of the house at night and he watches tv and does art projects. He enjoys this I know. But he used to have a hard time getting up and to work on time. I argued profusely with him about this through the years. But I finally trained him to realize that if he wants to stay up late he will get up early and he will suffer from lack of sleep. So every few days he goes to bed earlier and he loves to sleep late on the weekends. He starts his day on time and he has gone very far at work since I brow beat him into behaving like a grown up.
The Bible tells us to take care of our bodies and indicates that the night is known by the darkness and day by the light. I swear you would feel better and be able to face these issues with your son if you were able to sleep better and longer. But your mind isn't letting go of all these issues. My suggestion to you us to get some relaxation music and practice laying in the dark at night and breathing deeply. Pick some positive affirmations you want to think about and say them to yourself over and over. You will not work out these issues with your son or your husband if your messed up on the inside. Your stressed, overwhelmed and tired. If you don't think your tired, your lying to yourself. You need sleep.
Also, do you get up with your husband when he goes to work? Your marriage will suffer if you don't get up early with him and see him off to work. Look.. men are babies. They need a little mothering from their wife. My husband has always expected me to get him of to work. But if I have to leave early he will never get up with me. He's a baby. He's a man. This is how they are. I guarantee if he sees you sleeping when he's up early he resents it. It's part of why he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy.
You don't have to believe what I say and that's ok. But I've been married for 21 years and I believe you need to work on you first. Being a stay at home mother is a HUGE privilege. Not very many of us can do that. I am a stay at home mother, but I'm also a work at home mother. I still care for 4 kids plus my own 7 days per week, 24 hours per day. I do this so that I can afford to be at home. But I would LOVE to have the money and opportunity to concentrate more on the family.
Sweetie, your marriage is not going to last if you don't think long and hard about ways to take more pressure off of your husband and how to cope with things for yourself. I know it's not fair and politically correct. I know you want him to understand how long and difficult your day is. But he won't and you will just drive him crazy trying to make him. But I promise if you get your son under control without complaining to him and if you are getting to bed earlier, happier, less cranky to him and the house is always clean, he will respect you more. Men have this picture of what a perfect wife is. You can't be perfect so don't think I'm saying anyone can. But, you can give him a few of those things. After all, he feels he's paying for it. He's going to work all day long so that the bills can be paid so that you can create this nice family for you all. Your job is a big one, but so is his.
If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me privately any time at all.
Suzi