After much drama and counseling and negotiating this summer, my husband has decided to move out and the lease on his apartment begins on 9/1 and his daughter (age 17) will move with him, leaving my oldest son (17, prior relationship) and our two younger sons from our marriage (9 & 11) in our family home. He will move over the upcoming long weekend. The kids have been long aware of the tension in the house, have given their feedback to our counselor over the summer, and SD has been staying with a friend the entire summer, so this is not a shock to anyone. We told the kids of the plan over the weekend and they have had some questions but are otherwise just consumed with their own lives. He has already bought some furniture, which is in the garage, and is starting to pack.
Originally our intent was to have the younger kids stay with my in-laws for the weekend while the move happens so that they don't have to actually see it and aren't in the way. However, my husband coaches their hockey teams and they have practices each morning that he has to run so it looks like that won't be feasible. My plan was to be around so that I could clean up and reorganize the house as he takes his belongings - I need to purge anyway, and I want the empty spaces to be filled rather than be glaringly empty, and use our new, extra spaces for things we needed to better organize anyway.
Would you go to great lengths to have your kids out of the house during a transition like this? Or would you be fine with having them there, perhaps going to a friend's house for the afternoon or staying and helping out, visiting dad and sister's new place, etc.? I can see pros and cons to both - in having them out, it's a transition that just happens and they come home to a cleaner house where some things are moved around. In having them here, they are part of dad's move. His apartment is less than a mile from our house so they'll visit there frequently although they won't sleep there due to lack of space. They'll end up going there soon enough, but I do think that during the initial move, the new apartment will look sad and empty, with just the most basic of furnishings and no decor or extras so I don't want them to be bothered by that, thinking that dad and sister have nothing while we have a whole house.
If you or your spouse moved, how did you handle it? Was it a grown-ups only event or were the kids involved?
Thanks!
ETA per follow up questions...hockey practices are 8 & 11 AM one day and 6 and 10 AM the other day and in-laws are an hour away so they can't take them. They may be able to go to them after practice one day and I would pick up that night as we have to be up at 4:30 AM for the 6 AM practice.
Also the place he's going is kind of dingy and run-down, and decorating with photos or even adding curtains, etc. won't be on his priority list. I'm sure he'll get around to making the place more homey after a month or two but from what I know from helping him set up his apartment before we got married, he's fine with a prison-cell aesthetic and it will look empty for a while.
I'd have them there. It might even be fun for them to help him move into their new apartment, it will be their's too when they go visit him.
sweetie, you've been 'going to great lengths' for a great length of time now. i'm so glad he's finally moving out.
your kids are all beyond well aware of the issues, and have been pretty uniformly supportive of a split, yes? none of them are babies or toddlers. so no, i don't think you need to go to great lengths to soften the blow or deal with the transition or prevent them from staring sadly at the glaringly empty spaces. handle it calmly and briskly, rearrange the furniture, discuss it with the kids if they want to talk about it and let them process it on their own if they don't.
you're the one i'm worried about. you've hemmed and hawed for SO long about this clearly necessary step. i'm happy for you that you're finally there, but this ambivalence at this time that should be pretty happy is a concern. this is a GOOD thing, my very dear JB. stop fretting, and take a little time to revel in the freedom from tension and drama and ridiculousness that has been life with your ex. let him move all the way over into truly ex territory.
your kids will be fine.
khairete
S.
I think whatever plans you have in place have a back up set. If you decide to include the kids regardless of all the happy faces and positive spin exuded by you and your spouse, it may not amount to anything to one or more your children. The child may be overwhelmed and want the heck out of dodge. In which case you should make an effort to accommodate that without scrambling. Likewise if you decide not to include, let them know that plan can change to include them. To me this is a very fluid situation and feelings are going to run high with exceedingly raw emotions. There is talking and then there is doing.
All the talking won't help when it comes down to the doing.
When my first husband moved out, I gave myself all the pep speeches humanly possible but I promise moving his boxes out was a very final act and it was gut wrenching. Had I been a child, I don't think I would have wanted to be included. There is no space to process what you are doing while you are physically working and it can be overwhelming. There were times I had to walk away from the moving process and at the last minute I left him to unpack at his new place. It was too much. Then after he left there was a humongous hole where a person had been. Again all the positive spin in the world didn't amount to much. It was a final step and a very final act. I would take this next step with a great deal of flexibility. The children may react in a diverse set of ways so be as prepared as possible. Good luck.
I think your answer depends solely on the level of tension and the ability of the adults to respectfully and kindly navigate the move. If it's going to be a lot of snarky, snide comments, anger over which belongings belong to whom based upon emotional attachment (why ought his place be devoid of all decor unless you're not allowing him to take any?), griping, etcetera, then I would make sure the kids aren't there.
However, if you two can be respectful and even kind to one another during this process, I don't see the harm in allowing the kids to be involved or to go to his home and help unpack the truck. It doesn't matter if it's empty...and "sad" is a subjective idea that need not be conveyed to them. "New" things are often clean because they're new. His apartment isn't "sad." It's "new."
Really, it all depends upon the face you're willing to present.
I don't have any particular thoughts on the moving-out process; there are an equal number of possible good and bad results, and so much depends on the kids, the emotional atmosphere, and many uncontrollable factors. Maybe the kids can go stay at friends' houses during the day, so they aren't around for the moving out of stuff?
One thing I noted... you seem invested in how the kids will feel in his new space, how he'll decorate it, etc. While it is natural for those things to come to mind, they are definitely outside your control, and any energy you put into worrying about them or trying to predict what will happen, it's wasted energy. You're splitting from him so you don't have to deal with HIS issues and so you can make your home life peaceful, fulfilling, healthier for all. That's the big picture, so keep your eyes on the prize and keep walking through the transition with grace.
Sending lots of good thoughts for this next step in the process.
I think since the kids already know whats going on then just let them choose to be there or not. Maybe they will have other things going on or since your house has been filled with so much tension they may feel some relief.
I also don't think kids care about what decor is in a house (pictures, curtains, etc.), it is more important that they spend time with their dad and sister.
Seems to me the kids are extra hands that could be put to use in moving boxes (nothing too heavy).
Empty spaces are not not necessarily sad and empty.
They can be exciting and brimmed with potential!
Not to mention they are a HECK of a lot easier to vacuum!
We have fond memories of when our house was mostly empty.
Decor = dust catchers!
Plain surfaces wipe/dust up easily!
You are entitled to your feelings but not everyone will feel the same way.
This is an exciting time and a resolution to ill feelings - see it for the positive thing it is - a way forward.
Be positive as you can and the kids will be too.
Could you please clarify-- why can't the kids stay with the in-laws while going to the hockey practices that dad coaches? Are the in-laws too far away? If so, I get it, but if they are in the immediate area, can they take the kids to and from the practices, or can you go over and transport the kids? I know hockey can have very, very early-morning practices--is that the issue? I think the original plan of having the kids stay with the in-laws makes sense, based on what you depict in the post, but am not sure how the hockey practices create a problem. I'm figuring dad usually takes them along with him but would it be an issue (due to distance, early hours, etc.) if for just one weekend someone else did that?
A friend did much the same as you are, sending the school-age kids to grandparents for the weekend, and it worked out well since they'd talked a lot with the kids about it in advance. Be sure that the kids know fully everything to expect when they return, so you don't get any unexpected reactions like, "I didn't know dad was taking his poster of X -- I really liked that being on the wall" etc.; that will increase the feelings of loss they'll be experiencing anyway. Also, I'd be sure the in-laws had some specific activities planned outside the house with the kids and that the kids aren't just hanging out at their house all weekend (other than hockey). I hope your in-laws are understanding of the whole situation and the need for the move and will be cool with keeping the kids busy and treating the move matter-of-factly.
We made it a "grown up" event - I felt the kids were a little too young to process the whole ordeal (about the same ages as your younger ones). We actually had a two stage move - first dad moved out (across the street) and then a year later, we moved 3 hrs away and dad moved back into the house. Both moves were done while the kids were in school and I was not around when he moved out, and he was not around when I moved out.
Honestly, if it can wait until school starts, he should move his stuff out while you are at work and the kids are at school. This is not a "family" event and really isn't the time for you to be cleaning behind him as he goes. Give him a couple of days to set up at his place before sending the kids over and when the kids are over there, start working on your place. I would put away anything that you are REALLY concerned he might grab and not give back (for me it was my wedding rings) and then let him have at it all on his own.
Good luck!
I'm so glad he's moving out, JB. It's about time and you deserve some PEACE in your home and life. I know he's going to milk it for all it's worth, but there's an end to the milking and you can make up for it in the long run. He's the one who will miss YOU in the end and you will go on with your life without having to put up with him anymore. And he cannot make you not be part of your SD's life.
I admit that I wouldn't want the kids around him while he's packing and moving stuff. And I wouldn't want the kids over there until he's got it looking better.
Logistically, I don't know what to tell you. But I wouldn't want them there - maybe ask a neighbor to help out?
If they need to be there so that dad can coach them, then have them stay there. I think it would be easier to have them gone simply because it's easier to do things when kids aren't in the way, unless they will be helpful in moving the stuff.
They have already received and dealt with the big news that you are splitting up. I don't think witnessing the furniture and possessions moving is going to impact them greatly, any more than the news already has. I think you should do what works best for you given everything that the various family members have going on this weekend.
Glad you're finally taking a step.
