Best Living Arrangements for Kids After Marital Separation?

I actually know someone who did Option A.
They were divorced with 2 kids.
Mom had a boyfriend whom she lived with when not at the main house and dad shared an apartment with a roommate when not at the main house.
Each parent agreed not to bring their significant others to the house and there was communication between them to always have the kids covered with at least one parent what ever else was going on.
The kids always stayed home - and the parents switched out every week.
The kids had stability and didn't have to run back and forth between houses.
School bus picked them up/dropped them off at the same house, etc.
It really worked well for them.

I know couples who have done A and B successfully, although C is by far the most common scenario. I think it largely depends on what you can afford and if there is a significant other involved for either one of you. If neither of you is seeing someone or would see someone for a long time, then option A is great. It's least disruptive for the kids, and puts all the inconvenience of shuffling back and forth on the adults, where it should be. I know that option C is common, but I hate seeing kids, especially little ones, shuffled back and forth from house to house every few days.

Option B takes a really special couple. I know a couple that had a very large yard and they were able to sub-divide the lot and build a small home on the back part of the lot for the dad. The kids could just run through the large back yard back and forth between mom and dad's house. I think dad does have a girlfriend who moved in. Mom has a long-term boyfriend but he doesn't live with her (he's actually the dad I know in scenario A). There is enough space and trees between the two homes for privacy.

Option C is what my ex and I do, but our kids are older (they were 9 & 11 when we split two years ago and we have two grown kids). We did have to sell my house so we ended up moving from our family home about a year after their dad moved into a small condo. We're still in the same town, but they sleep at my house every school night and spend the night at his house maybe once every other weekend. They have dinner with their dad most weeknights, and hang out with him on weekends even if they end up sleeping at my house. My ex lets himself in and out of my house (which is kind of annoying) so there aren't many boundaries between houses. If they kids want to stay home and he wants to hang out with them, he'll come over and play in the yard or shoot pucks or watch a movie with them at my house.

If I were you, I would try option A first and see how it goes. As the kids adjust and get older, if it's not working and you can afford to have two places that you can each go to (or either one of you has family you can stay with, etc.) then you can adjust. I think that eventually, you will each want a place with some privacy. Eventually one or both of you will pursue other relationships. In the case of my friends in option A, things got easier when the mom had a boyfriend and she stayed with him when she wasn't in the family home, and the dad primarily had the apartment. Option A is the least disruptive and the smallest financial commitment (just the rent for the crash pad, you can break a lease if it doesn't work). As you sort out a long-term parenting plan, as the kids get older, as new significant others enter the picture, you can adjust. You'll probably get to option C eventually, but while the kids are so young, if you can keep them in the home that they know for a little longer, it will help them through the transition.

It's great that you think you can work together with living spaces and co-parenting.

Option A works ONLY when neither parent has another relationship or needs their own space, and it can be confusing to the kids who wind up thinking that one parent just happens to be out all the time. They don't understand divorce that way.

Option B works as long as everyone gets along great all the time and there's no need for privacy. If you have a BBQ, does Dad always come, and vice versa? Kids can run from one house to the other, which is nice a lot of the time and not so nice if Parent A disciplines them and they think they can run to Parent B. It can make it awkward when one parent enters into a new relationship and the other parent is right there on top of things. It's nice for the kids to see Dad not just on weekends but after work, although little kids are going to need to go to bed soon after dinner and it would make a difference if Dad is going to come home from work and immediately launch into dinner and baths and stories. Maybe it would work if there are defined spaces and a real fence in between so you feel that your home is truly yours and he feels that his is truly his.

Option C involves the most upheaval and transition for the kids, with packing and forgetting stuff, so it's difficult. But it does help the kids see parents as having separate spaces, homes and lives. It's tough but I think there is a reason most families do this.

I know families who have done all three. I'll just share what I've heard from them.

Option A - we know a family that does this, but kids are somewhat older. It works for them. They have a lovely home and no one wanted to sell it. I am assuming they couldn't afford to get 2 new ones that would be as nice. Kids were friends with kids in neighborhood. I think kids just see mostly one parent each week - I think they do either 1 week rotation or 2. Anyhow, it works for them. The mom/dad still have a business together and I think it's pretty amicable.

Option B - I had friends who actually shared a house (split into two) and known a family who both lived on same street. That was weird. I think there was animosity between the parents and kids felt stressed. In the first case, neither parent felt they could move on to new romantic interests. They felt it would confuse the kids. It was like they were pretending nothing had changed so kids would not have to be stressed - but the kids got in the middle the the parental stress. So - not good. The other family did start dating - and that was weird, as all the neighbors gossiped and speculated.

Option C - This is the most common arrangement I know of. Again, it depends on how well the parents work together - and if they can put their animosity or feelings of hurt aside. In one case, it works out quite well, however the father is not in an area near the kids friends. So yes, being in same school district and available to their friends and for carpooling, etc. is helpful. The friends I know have moved on and are with new people - the two families are totally separate except for the kids who go back and forth.

A seems to make the most sense to me at this stage, especially since you say you are separating but don't say that you've made the final decision to divorce.

I think you should consider B's answer below, sort of an "Option D" - keep the main house as the kids' house but rent TWO apartments. So you and your ex each have your OWN apartment, to leave your clothes in etc, and you do not have to share space or deal with who forgot to clean the bathroom there etc, and the kids have the main house.

I would go with C. Option A is ok for a short time but as dating starts to come into play down the road you aren't going to want to share space all the time with your ex. Option B seems to be ok but again as you move forward in your life do you really want your ex and his friends/potential girlfriend in your backyard 24/7?

Its going to be a hard adjustment for everyone anyway. Move into your own space (or your husband move into his own space) and move forward from there.

I would do option C. You both have your own house (what you can afford - you may have to downsize) in the same school district. The other two are just too awkward for when either of the adults are dating again or get remarried. The kids spend 50% time with each parent. Looking at friends, what looks like it works best is a week at one house a week at the other.

Will you continue to be a stay at home mom after the separation? How will he afford two households, and does he even want to (he should not be expected to). The one home one apartment thing gives the kids the most stability, but how will that work when one or both of you start dating other people? The reason most people go with two separate homes, two separate lives, is so they can actually have a life separate from their ex, for me having my ex sleeping in my bedroom half the time would not work, I need my private space. In the end, do whatever works for all of you because that may very well be different then what would work for me, or any one else.

Either B or C. A isn't going to work for more than a few months, you are both adults and need your own space.

love B's answer. if you can make A work i would do that

I think I would look at options A and then C. Transition, by definition, means change over a period of time. Getting an apartment "off campus" so to speak, for now, that you both share, allowing the kids to get used to having only one of you at a time for awhile. During that time, you could start the divorce proceedings, make plans to market the house, get all the ducks in a row. Once the house is sold, then you can each choose a home or apartments that is somewhere in the school district.

Speaking from experience, I would not move next-door or even on the same street.

Good luck!