Family Issue and Disagreements

I'd say it's time to sit down and have a conversation. Open it with "Dad, we've noticed how hard you've been working to keep the outside looking nice and we want to say thank you so much".

Although your post is extremely difficult to comprehend, with its lengthy, run-on sentences and lack of capital letters, I believe that you have 5 adults and one baby living in one house. And it seems that you made verbal agreements and deals and purposely moved in together, even though your husband hates yard work and you have previous bad experiences with sharing a home with your daughter, and your parents don't get along.

The problems are numerous:

1. You've all moved in together in order to help your daughter with her baby, yet you don't elaborate on that. Is your daughter incapacitated in some way? Is the baby premature or does the baby have medical problems? Is your daughter a young teen without any means of support? If your daughter is able to care for herself and her baby without any extreme problems, then she should be taking care of herself and her baby. Perhaps you should have helped her get a small apartment, and help her learn to be independent. She is a mother now, and needs to learn how to raise a child. Unless there's something you're not telling us, why did you uproot all these people to help care for one baby?

2. Your mother doesn't want to live with your father, yet you moved both of them into one room and one bathroom in your house.

3. Your husband hates yard work yet you moved into a house that needs lawn maintenance. Wouldn't an apartment have been better? Can you rent a yard service and have your lawn mowed and your trees trimmed, flower beds mulched, etc?

4. It sounds as though you made a pretty casual deal. "Let's all move in and take care of little baby grandchild/great-grandchild, and we'll rent something husband hates and mother-in-law demands, and we'll take off a hundred bucks here or there." It's so messy! If you insist on continuing in this situation, make a lease agreement. Put everyone's duties in writing. What does your daughter contribute to the household? What is everyone's rent responsibilities? Who does what chores and when?

Find an apartment for your daughter and her baby. Help her if you must, for a short time, while she goes to school or gets a job or figures out how to provide for her own child. If she's old enough to become a mother, and if there are no medical problems or disabling conditions, she should be capable of taking care of her child. She probably won't find a stylish house with a nice yard, but she'll learn to take care of herself and her child. Finish your lease, if you're renting, and move (just you and your husband and any minor children) to an apartment where the management takes care of yard work. Let your parents figure out how they want to live their lives. Tell them to get separate condos or apartments, or go to counseling, or forgive each other, and pull themselves together.

Right now you're supporting a baby, a new mother, two older parents who hate each other, a yard that your husband hates, and there will be nothing but resentment and dependence that comes out of this.

Untangle the knotted up situation. No one is benefiting from this situation. The baby and your daughter are going to see the two previous generations squabble and fight and argue over lawn-mowing and rent and a hundred dollars here and there. That baby would be better off living in a tiny apartment with her own mommy, in a peaceful environment.

Hi G. - can you re-post in shorter sentences and break it into a couple of paragraphs? It's very hard to read your post so you're not going to get a lot of thoughtful replies.

My short answer is that I think the 5 adults in the house need to sit down together and put agreements in writing, then honor those agreements. Talk to your husband privately about the $350 and the yard work and come to an agreement between the two of you so that you are on the same page when you all talk. If either of you changes your mind while talking (perhaps your parents or daughter will bring up a point that you think is legitimate) then again, discuss privately with your husband.

At the end of the day, if you as a couple agree to split the yard work with you dad, you have to hold up your end of the bargain and if your husband won't do it, then you can. But put specifics around what yard work needs to be done and when. For example, the lawn will be mowed by sundown on Sunday every week. If it's your/your husband's weekend to do it and your dad decides on Friday or Saturday to mow it himself, then that's on your dad.

It sounds like this isn't a good long-term arrangement for everyone but if you have to make it work for a while (if you're tied into a lease, for example) then you have to treat it like a business situation and communicate with each other. It may be awkward to treat this like a business negotiation, but it should cut down on the tension.

This arrangement is clearly not working. (Since it didn't work the first time, I am not sure why you thought it would work this time). I would start looking for other living arrangements. (Also, why does your daughter need so much help with her baby?).

This is so hard to read, G.. It's like one big run-on sentence.

You should never have allowed your parents to move in. Your mother has issues with your dad - fighting all the time??? And you bring him in your home to hurt your marriage and make this baby witness their fighting? WHAT?

Tell your parents that they need to stop the fighting, stop the arguing, stop the fussing. No more talking about them not having money. If they don't like the arrangement, they can move out. No more fussing about your husband not mowing. Since they are paying less than you, your father can manage the yard, which is what he likes ANYWAY, and he is not to fuss about anything to you or your husband about it.

When your mom starts to tell you things that her husband says, tell her not to say it, that you don't want to hear it. And don't repeat things to your husband.

You are doing EVERYONE a favor by letting them live with you. Start acting like it. And don't put up with this griping anymore.

For heaven's sake, it's like you have a house full of babies... don't enable it.

Um, all I can say is - I could never live like this.
You're all in there together now.
Has ANYONE figured out how long this arrangement is suppose to last?
A year or two? 5 years? A decade?
Are your parents going to live there till they pass away?
How about your daughter? Is she going to have more kids while living with you?
If I were you, I'd consider running away from home every so often so all the rest of them can hammer out their differences when you're not in the middle of it.
Extended family living arrangements can get extremely complex.

If your parents are living in a mother in law cottage/suit and you get the whole rest of the house the difference in payment seems very small to be honest, especially if you are paying for 4-5 people and they are only supposed to be supporting 2. So I would tell hubby to let that one go and to start upholding his end of this deal. He is being lazy because he knows dad will pick up the slack.

Perhaps we are missing something like a different culture here.

The daughter and baby had problems living with mom. Mom moves them into the house. The parents decide or her mother the great grandmother wants to move to get away from the husband. Three generations under one roof in one house with no separate spaces. There are homes made for these situations but that are expensive. This would drive me to drink or move and let them all fall apart.

Sorry you feel that we are rude and crude and sassy. We are just trying to point out that this was a disaster from the beginning and now you are trying to figure out what to do. Have a meeting of everyone. Go over the lawn and who does what. Or hire a person to mow the blasted lawn end of story. Get great grandmom some help or a place to live nearby with dad or put dad in a place by himself (which he won't like). Get daughter a place of her own and let her learn what life is about.

Stop enabling everyone and get on with your life. This is an open forum and people respond on here from around the world. So we will tell you what we think and some of us are blunt and in your face. Take what is good from the posts and delete the rest.

the other S.

That's a lot of people in one house. Even with a special area of the house for your parents. I would expect that if I bought the house that I would pay the most since it's my house. I would also expect equal shares among the house responsibilities (cooking, cleaning). It wouldn't matter who pays what, that should be divided. Why does your daughter need so much help with the baby? I don't see the purpose of your parents moving into the house, unless it was to help them too. Which in that case I can see major frustration taking care of your daughter, her child and your parents. It is your house and your yard so if your husband doesn't feel like mowing no one should make him, or do it for him and say anything about it. It's just a lot of people in one house, and with that comes a lot of issues.

Just like others, I found this rather difficult to follow. This is something that should have been done at the beginning before everyone moved in together, but it's still not too late.

Have a meeting and write up a contract. You can make it fairly simple or extremely detailed. Personally I think the more detailed, the better. It should include who is "renting" what space, what is included in the rent (utilities, food, use of washing machine, etc.) and amount that they are paying, and when payment needs to be made. It should also include any type of household chores and a list of what type of help is needed for the baby. Have everyone sign it and post it in a common area so everyone can see it.

And YES hubby needs to mow the lawn. He made that agreement and he needs to honor it. However, hubby can talk to Dad and say "hey, since you've been taking care of the yard work, I'll decrease your rent by $XX if you continue to do so". In place of $$ it can be an exchange of chores.

Sit down as a family and figure out what is working and what isn't. Maybe because they are paying $100 less than the agreement your dad takes over the yard work without complaining about it. Maybe you decided that at the end of the lease you'll all be making new living arrangements. At least if everyone is at the table then everyone has a chance to talk and hear what everyone else is thinking. Your dad telling you things concerning your husband is just childish. As adults you all got yourself into this so now its time to be adults and figure out how to make it work.

Soooo many people have no choice other than moving with family due to financial situations. I've been there. The thing is people have to recognize this for what it is and accept and be okay with the situation within their own Being. Instead of blaming and criticizing each other give a little, take a little. Put yourself aside ought to be the thoughts and feelings, so that all can come together as a family. Perhaps there should be family meetings once a month and guidelines set that all agree on. Remember you're a family and each have the responiblity of doing what they can do to make it better.

Sending all good thoughts for knowing the true problems and the true resolve and that each be open to change and giving in all good and selfless ways.