Life and My Rant...

I read something the other day that struck home with me:

Forget what hurt you, Remember what it taught you.

It sounds like you are living in the past and trying so hard not to repeat the same mistakes your parents made that you are not happy. How could you be? You're too busy trying to make sure you aren't like them.

Please seek counseling. You can change your reaction to triggers. You just need help and the tools to do that.

My Moms childhood was pure hell.
Alcoholic father and a violent mentally unstable mother who was institutionalized when my Mom was 14.
She was beaten and starved, spent some time in a orphanage when there was no food at home to feed the kids (this was the Great Depression) and a doctor actually said if she lived to the age of 6 she had a shot at a regular life span - everyone thought she was going to die young.
She was always rail thin (she had a 17 in waist into her mid 20's) until she had me.
Her marriage was awful (lasted about 7 years) - she felt she got married to get away from home and made some bad choices.

When she had me and my sister and got divorced, she committed herself to raise us on her own and she spent her time working, getting her masters degree and always moving forward.
She was way too busy for self reflection and self doubt.
Now finally that she's retired for awhile (she'll be 80 this fall) and on her own and my sister and I are out on our own raising our families - NOW - she's got the time to look back at her life and childhood - and now she has a little post traumatic stress thinking about what she lived through.
She never had any therapy (and she never will - she doesn't believe in it), and she just thinks people today spend too much time wallowing and having their own personal pity parties.
She's a strong woman - she's seen a lot and lived through so much and she made a better life for herself and for us (her kids).
Not many people who've been through anything similar would have managed to bootstrap themselves like she did.

You need to find a way to be at peace with yourself and your past.
I don't think anyone on the internet is going to be able to give you the kind of help you need.
You keep cycling through the same issues over and over without coming to a resolution.
You need to do something different to get a different and perhaps better outcome.
Please put down the computer and go see a therapist asap.

What do you consider "tough"?
What do you consider "normal"?

For each person it's different.

To be honest - you need counseling. You already know this and so stated...

You need to accept that the past - your history - made you who you are today. If you want to change that? ONLY YOU CAN DO THAT.. YOU have to want to change. YOU have to WANT to create something different.

You are NOT your parents. You are NOT your mom. It's almost like you are counting the days - but TRYING to be "totally focused". It takes TWO to make a marriage work. You can work and be laser focused but it still takes TWO to make it work.

Getting bored with our life, feeling discouraged? Sorry - but EVERYONE has those feelings at some point in their lives. It's HOW they handle and deal with those feelings...are you going to sit on a pity pot and say "woe is me" or are you going to STOP and say ENOUGH?! this is MY life and I am in control of it!!

You need help dealing with your "triggers"?? Get to a therapist or psychiatrist who will help you find ways to compartmentalize and deal rather than just allow it to happen.

Good luck!

I have found you can either blame the past for where you are now, or accept that past has made you who you are.

I will never forget my childhood, it allows me to understand when kids are hurting but more than that it allows me to see when I am hurting. I am very open, I admit, I articulate, that what I am going to do, what I am thinking is totally irrational but not within my control. I trust those around me to protect me because they will when I need it and they do not see it as weakness.

I wish I could explain it in the few words of a post but it is complicated. I am healed, 100%, I still feel my childhood but I see it for what it is and can reach out to others to help me, without shame.

My childhood is also why I will defend the children of members here when I see them being harmed because their parents had less than perfect childhoods. I understand that kids should not be put through that but doesn't mean that I can ignore than someone is continuing the cycle.

I am not special, I am not lucky, I just managed to work through it

I can relate. I grew up in a mess.

It will be okay. I very much recommend reading about Bowen Family Systems Theory. Murray Bowen. Understanding the family system and how generations are effected really helped me to understand how I got to where I am. It also helped me to forgive myself and my parents and learn grace. We're all doing the best we can with what we've got.

My dad died when I was very young & my mom has schizoaffective disorder (diagnosed as bipolar for most of my childhood), throw in a whole range of issues with siblings, extended family, & death of friends & one could say my childhood was a bit crazy. But...there was also a TON of good & silver linings in the clouds & hidden blessings.
Perhaps it's from watching my own mother dwell for so long & so hard on her past & childhood that I've gone drastically in the opposite direction. If I can't change it or it happened in the past or it poses no benefit to my present or future then I absolutely refuse to dwell on it. I will not let the victimization (perceived or real) of someone else or even of my own childhood to rule my life.
I'm a lover of adventure and excitement as well & just build that into my life as I can. Does life get boring when I've washed the dished 800 times? Do I get tired of answering the same things over & over or doing the same laundry every week? Yep sure does. But you know what? Discovering a new swimming hole with the kiddos is a mini adventure, paddle boarding the entire perimeter of a lake for the first time or in a different season is a mini adventure, beating my personal record in a 5K is a mini adventure.
Life is built on lots of mini adventures that add up to one big long grand one. Like we tell our kids - your attitude makes the difference between a problem & a challenge!

p.s. Counseling could very well be just what will help.
p.p.s. "Normal" is greatly overrated

may grace & peace be yours in abundance

I come from a very broken family and then at age 10 was placed into the very broken foster "lack of care" system.. So it's been a double whammy for me in terms of discovering what is normal.... It IS normal to feel as you do in terms of your wanting everything to be perfect.. it's normal to the extent that wanting everything to be perfect has probably been your means of survival how you have come this far and managed to distance yourself from your past. However, it's been my own personal experience that when we want everything perfect, it's simply our way of trying to CONTROL everything and others... For me having come from a chaotic environment at home where there was no control... as I got older, I found ways to control my current environment... Sadly, the more I wanted to control things, the more out of control I became... I also had lots of friends for whom I had met along the way who also came from broken households and sure enough were CONTROLLING.. in fact, my former best friend of over 20 years was a major control-freak.. oh she had to be perfect and wanted everything perfect..she however did this all in a passive aggressive manner.. even if this meant telling half-truths.. it wasn't until I got myself in Alanon that I realized being around this type of person or being this type of person myself wasn't something I really wanted.... and from that point on, I began working the 12 steps..
now you don't say much about your past, but I ll assume there was addiction in one way shape or form...
if you want to get clearer on your feelings and understand why you feel as you do.. why not try a 12 step. it's free... Alanon really opened my eyes to so many things... I no longer hang out with controlling , manipulative people.. why.. because I am no longer that way.. in Alanon as I began to unravel the years and reasons or even excuses as to why I am where I am at today in my life, it's been a true eye-opener..
I also tend to think not being able to sit still and always having to be busy is or can be a sign of anxiety... people don't like what they consider boredom because sometimes being still in our mind and bodies brings up feelings we may not like and choose not to deal with..
I can't say that is you as I don't know you.. although think about it.. it's worth considering.. In addition to Alanon, I also have a meditation practice.. these two things are what has allowed me to truly begin to understand who I am .. whereas previously I lived in what I now consider a dreamworld.. in program they call it denile.. Again, I don't know that this is your situation... but in my case.. I am thankful everyday for a program like Alanon, if it wasn't for it.. I'd still be keeping myself extra busy.. going about life, disregarding my inner-feelings.. allowing people to walk all over me.. that is no way to live.. listen to your gut instinct and "triggers" as you call them.. but before you do anything rash.. consider some type of 12 or even counseling that might allow you to talk about your feelings..
I suggest the 12 step. but now everyone is down for that... so do what feels best to you..

good luck

Parenting and marriage can be boring, hard, and stressful at times - that's just life. To me that has nothing to do with our childhoods. There's a lot you can do to break out of that rut.

If you're unhappy personally though - and it stems back to your childhood - to me that's a different issue.

The one thing I've learned about childhood issues (by this I assume you mean your feelings from going through something traumatic) is that we sometimes keep putting ourselves into situations which mimic the same emotions we had as children. For example, I have friends who felt unloved as kids, and yet they pick men who don't show them affection. It's because that's what they know. It feel comfortable to them.

It's like they didn't realize at some point they deserved better. And the only person who can change that is themselves.

Everyone goes through stuff in life. Some people decide to let it affect the rest of their lives, and some people say "Nope - the hell with that, I'm going to be happy.".

If you don't know how to do that - that's where therapy can help you I think.

As for feeling bored, and life is mundane ... everyone I know feels like that at times - especially when life is about caring for young kids and busy lives. Just make time to plan a few fun things now and then. As far as being perfect - I always think back to when I'd watch General Hospital with my sisters. My mom would come in and say "Life is not like this girls!". Manage your expectations.

Perhaps they are a bit unrealistic or high.

Good luck :) Not sure if that was helpful or not, but I think happiness is a state of mind. I think a lot of it does come from feeling that you are worthy. If something in your childhood made you feel otherwise ... you can give that back to yourself :)

I had a great childhood so take this for what it is worth but I do think everyone has to work to keep their life from being mundane and must purposely add excitement into our lives.

My husband and I always try to have something fun to look forward to whether it is tickets to a show, dinner with friends (always tons of laughs) or a vacation.

I also try to go out with my girl friends pretty frequently.

Also, I think one of the best things we ever did for our marriage and my sanity was to buy a hot tub. We honestly feel like we are on vacation every time we are in our hot tub in our back yard.

One can learn to change how to react to triggers. We all have issues, we all have history, we all have learned behavior that may or may not be appropriate to our current stage in life. A toddler crying when they drop their ice cream is normal, for an adult to have the same reaction is not, unless you already had a really bad day and needed the medicinal soothing quality of the treat,lol! But seriously, we all keep learning all our lives. "Always trying for perfection" could mean you have some obsessive tendencies that can be addressed with therapy. Maybe you just need a sounding board, which can be a good friend, a religious trusted figure, a therapist, your husband,. My mom used to say "did you ever meet a normal person? How was it?", meaning there is no standard for normal. It is whatever you are used to,. But if your every day life causes unhappiness it is time to investigate why. With or without a therapist. Good luck.

I am finding so many of these responses helpful.

I grew up with a lot of emotional chaos ( personality disorders). There was constant alignment between family members, shifts in alignment, manipulation...blah blah blah.

So I learned a few things from an excellent therapist years ago.

1) I was addicted to drama and became hypervigallant (sp?). Constantly thrown in drama, watching my back, worried about who would line up against me,.........it became the energy for all relationships. I had to "learn" what calm, boring, non- drama relationships felt like. It's hard to "just be" and let go.

2) external locust of control- things outside of me decide how I feel inside of me. This was hard for me to understand. But my environment would determine my mood and or self-worth. I had to learn to put up strong firm boundaries(blinders) from the outside and pull feelings from inside.

3) the triggers don't go away. You just recognize, manage and react to them better.

Feelings are ALWAYS normal.

Reactions to those feelings ARE NOT.

It is ok to feel, have feelings, not like feelings, feel out of control of your feelings, and to not want to feel.

These are all reactions to feelings....you see what I'm sayin'?

Feelings aren't going anywhere it's where YOU put them that can be struggling.

Someone mentioned going to a 12 Step program... I think that is a great suggestion.

Just know you are not alone :-).