Without going into a huge amount of detail let's just say that I have a pretty unhappy marriage. My husband has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder on a high functioning level. This basically means he has pretty big mood swings and can be irrational and over-the-top one minute and completely normal the next. He saves all of this loveliness for his family, but generally acts pretty normal at work. This creates a lot of tension and resentment in my family of 3 young boys and myself. To add to that, my husband takes Vyvanse for ADHD which I feel he rages off of when he is at home. He is also an alcoholic though he won't admit it. He was in detox a little over a year ago and kicked alcohol for about 4 months before he started drinking again. Of course, he says it's under control...to the tune of buying beer every other night and spending upwards of $300 a month on it. Of course I am beyond fed up and have been seriously contemplating divorce. If it weren't for my children and my desire for them to have a dad, I would be done with him.
I tell you these things because as I'm guessing most people would feel, I have no desire for him sexually whatsoever. He has let me down in so many ways. He makes promises and statements about him changing, but it's always tied back to "well, I would if you just would have sex with me and let me know you desire me". This is totally counterintuitive to me. I would be attracted to him if he tried to make a change for the better for himself and his family. His promises are always empty which just creates more of a distance between us.
I just want to know if I'm abnormal. I'm not one who really enjoys sex anyway, so it's not something that I need. I usually just do it for him. However, how can I give of myself in that way when I feel so much resentment towards him? To add to it, he usually works until 10:00 at night and by that time, I've had it and am ready to go to bed, which he gets angry about and finds unreasonable. I do work and am caring for the boys.
Let me know your thoughts. I feel that it's pretty natural to not be attracted to a person who has let you down time and time again, but obviously he thinks differently and uses that as his reason for not wanting to change. Personally, I think that is a lame excuse and extremely childish of him.
How you are feeling sounds pretty normal to me. I suggest going to some al-anon meetings. http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html
What about helping him? I know you are angry but alcoholism is a disease and if you had a disease would you want him to leave you? Maybe you could both compromise and he stop drinking for a week and you could then have a date night?
If it weren't for my children and my desire for them to have a dad, I would be done with him.
Really? This is what you want them to know is their role model for what they should expect in a dad?
This is what you want them to emulate in their own marriages?
I would think long and hard about your marriage. I would go to al-anon. I would seek counseling. You are only responsible for yourself. You only have to answer for your behavior. You are teaching your kids what a mother should be. What a wife should be. What a person should be. Are you setting the expectation for THEM to have happy lives and healthy relationships.
You are worth more than that.
Well B., it looks like you haven't been happy in your marriage for at least the past four years.
What does divorcing your husband have to do with depriving them (the kids) a father? Would you file for sole custody and never allow him to see them? If he works until 10:00 at night and is an alcoholic as well then I imagine he doesn't spend any time with them anyway, right?
If you are the only responsible parent then your kids are already being raised by a single mother. It seems like you're just looking for someone to give you the green light to leave.
I can't tell you what to do as I'm only hearing your side of the story, but if he is really as useless and bad as you say then why are you staying, really?
Of course you don't want to have sex with him. Of course, most people in your situation wouldn't.
Well, at least your teaching your kids... that staying in a loveless marriage with an alcoholic, narcissistic, and selfish person...is just fine. YOU are teaching your children what is normal in a relationship. They will learn (and have learned) that this type of marriage, is normal. They will repeat your mistakes. You have to know that, right? If you want to teach them, that being unhappy and used is normal, go right ahead. If you want to teach them, that this is how your treat your spouse, go ahead. BUT, you can't be surprised when they have completely dysfunctional relationships. AND, you have to take responsibility for your part in that. At the VERY least, you should get counseling. THAT will possibly show them, that this life you're leading is not OK.
What you are feeling is normal.
When the partner you are married to (or in a relationship for that matter), is an alcoholic, they let you down, put you last in line & can be abusive.
This creates distance, sexual apathy, anger & resentment.
No one wants to sleep with the individual that helped create these feelings.
Now what to do with it?
1st-I would start with counseling for yourself.
2nd - In regards to his drinking, look up Al-anon in your area so you can
find out how best to deal with alcoholism.
3rd - Make an initial appt (some will give you a free 1/2 hr free visit) with
a lawyer, if you're thinking of leaving him, to see what your rights are in
your state in regards to custody of your kids.
I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Umm... not abnormal. Without going into all of the details, I once had a husband with addiction issues, which left me picking up the slack and holding the bag on most of the responsibilities in the marriage.
One night, I finally told him "You know, anymore, it's not like we're husband and wife. It's like I'm your mom and you're my petulant, entitled teenage son. No mother is attracted sexually to her son."
When you are mothering someone and taking care of them like they're a child, not an adult, there is no desire there. It's biological, right? Animals usually mate with the strongest, most capable providers. We're genetically driven to be attracted to people who can pull their own weight and who make us feel protected.
Just my two cents. And yes, I divorced the guy. I wasn't going to raise a family as a more-or-less single parent. Heed what Dawn is saying... do you want your kids to perceive this as normal? WindyCity had a great suggestion in going to Al-Anon. You cannot fix this guy-- he has to want to do it. All you can do is help yourself to get healthy and if he won't, for your children's sakes... move on.
It sounds to me as if there are several issues at play here and they're all being entangled together because they're all so upsetting. I know, it's easy for me to say, "Separate the issues" but maybe if you can do that you can tackle them more easily.
First and foremost, you have his neurological disorder or disorders. Those must be treated properly, and if you suspect that the ADHD medication he's on is not only "not working" but causing rage issues, then you have to talk to his doctor about that. Confidentiality may mean his doctor can't tell you anything, but that doesn't mean you can't inform his treating physician of what's going on. That includes the drinking.
The drinking obviously must be addressed because taking it with those medications is dangerous... even moreso than if it were "just" the alcohol on its own. The combination of medication and alcohol could be doing things to him that neither of you has any idea about... undue stress on his heart, liver, kidneys... etc.
There must also be an underlying reason for the drinking. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, but WHY does he feel a need to drink beyond a physical drive? It must be fulfilling some need for him, or blocking something. Anxiety? Suppressing emotions from an event or situation? How was his childhood? What type of job does he work?
If he was in AA before then he ought to have a sponsor you can contact for advice or help. I do think going to AA for yourself would be a good thing.
Obviously he's fooling himself if he thinks he can be an alcoholic and ever have his drinking "under control." Those words are the first sign that it's NOT under control. Maybe he can control his behavior when he's at work and out in public... but that's not the same thing as controlling the alcohol. It just means that he knows his behaviors at home are not acceptable for when he's in public.
What do his parents know/say about this? His siblings? Does he know you're considering divorce? Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? Is he willing to get rid of all alcohol in the house? He has to see that losing his family is a very real option and he's making a choice here.
The first thing I want to say, is that staying in a bad marriage for your kid's sake is always a bad idea. First... is that the kind of a relationship you want your kids to settle for? Also... Kids are far more intuitive than parents give them credit for. I can still remember how much of a relief it was when my mom walked out on our family, because a lot of the tension in our home magically disappeared that night.
That said... I honestly think that a physical relationship IS important! I know that my hubby and I have a lot more issues when we aren't having sex. Sex really does have quite a few positive mental and physical effects on the body. I'm also not the type who 'needs' sex very often, and I can go for months without missing it... Heck, a lot of the time when I'm not really 'in the mood', but go ahead and have sex 'for his sake', I wind up having a great time! ;)
However, your husband's issues NEED to be addressed. I would honestly try to get him to go to couple's counseling with you. Of course you aren't going to be sexually attracted to someone who is treating you as a commodity! I would definitely try to save your marriage, but if you can't, don't stay in a bad one.
I think that you need to find your own support - Al Anon, a counselor, etc. and you need to figure out whether it is better for them to have a dad raging in the house nightly or a dad that they may get to see on better behavior on scheduled visits. My DH says that when his son said, "Don't leave, it's not that bad" after the cops had been called to the house, he realized he could not allow his children to grow up and think that was normal. He asked for a divorce and retained custody. I wouldn't diagnose his ex with BPD, but she has some issues. Your kids will always have a dad. He just doesn't need to also be your husband.
I am still trying to do the math on what $300 dollars of beer per month looks like. That is A LOT of beer. Enough to keep him pretty buzzed every evening I'd guess. Just that one factor alone would turn me off and my husband and I both drink.
Assuming your not joining him in imbibing it doesn't surprise me that your not feeling like making love. Nothing sexy about and angry drunk guy who is not fufilling his responsibilites as a Husband and Father.
I would address the alcohol and drug issues (even if they are prescribed you don't know how they effect someone if they are taken with beer) immediately and agressively. Like "if you don't get some help I'm leaving!"
If he can't agree to that then you have a big decision to make. Your boys are learning how to be men and they deserve a great example.
I don't think you're doing your kids any favor by staying in this mess. The example of marriage you're giving the kids isn't a very functional one. You say you work, so get out and get you and the kids counseling if need be. You sound miserable and I think most people would be in your situation. I can't imagine living with such a disaster. He tries to manipulate sex out of you by saying that's the only way he'll change?? Sounds like the characteristics of an abusive spouse. He sounds like he'll be ugly and combative if you divorce him, so if you decide to leave him, start saving some money aside in a new account without his name on it, close any credit cards you're both on (or get your name off of them) and just do what you can to untangle yourself from him financially first before you drop the bomb.
Personally, I think that is a lame excuse and extremely childish of him, too. Basically, he's blaming you for his issues rather than taking ownership of them.
Have you read the book "I hate you; don't leave me" about borderline personality disorder? Your post makes me think of that book... "I'm angry at you, think you're unreasonable, have tons of unattractive qualities, but I desire you and want you to desire me." The book basically will tell you how hard (almost impossible) this is to treat, so it is probaby not going to give you an answer of "stay with him" if that's what you're looking for.
If he wanted to make a change in his life, he would do so. Sexual relations with him or lack of sexual relations will not get him into rehab or facilitate his recovery. In the meantime, I hope that you do not allow your kids to ride in the car with him. Actually, if he drives under the influence at all, you need a divore to protect you and your family from financial liability if he does cause an accident while under the influence. His drinking risks your future, even if you are just trying to ride it out for the sake of the kids.
How can you think about sex when you're worried about so many other things?!
Your husband sounds a lot like my dad. My dad always tried to change but it never happened. He rages less often now since he's driven everyone away from him. Honestly, I could live a happy life if I never saw him again. My mom waited to leave him (for the first time) when I was 20, since I was the youngest. I would have rather she left when I was 10 and save me some awful memories that are scarred into my brain.
Time to go. You want your kids around HIM? What a GREAT example for them!!! No, no, no...its time to move on. Just my opinion and I have been divorced. I did not take it lightly, nor would I suggest it lightly to anyone else. You already know this, but you can't change him. If he is unwilling or unable to change, then you MUST get yourself and your kids into a better situation. I kicked my husband out when I was 39...with the big 4-0 creeping up on me, it hit me that life is TOO SHORT to spend it being unhappy. I'm now happily remarried and I have the life many would envy. Please do what's best for your kids. Just because he is their dad isn't enough reason to stay. Good luck.
Strictly looking at this from the point of his addiction, it seems typical.
He'd like you to believe his "issues" (lack of sex) is your problem when, clearly, he needs to take the blame.
He sounds nowhere near ready to deal with his alcoholism.
You could go to alanon.
You don't have to divorce him but please reconsider raising kids in that environment. Consider what this is teaching them what "normal" looks like.
A separation MIGHT give him the push to confront his issues.
Good luck.
Sounds like a typical alcoholic personality. I don't know about all the other stuff you mentioned, but should he be drinking while on meds? Perhaps that is why he rages. He has to (want to) help himself first and if he can't do that, then help yourself.
Here is the thing that concerns me, there is no such thing as a high functioning borderline personality disorder. What you have is straight up ADHD. I say this because it is helpful to not look at things that just aren't there. Sure you can look up borderline and see his behavior. I can assure you that if you look up bi polar, sociopath, schizophrenia and a fair few other severe personality disorders you will find a lot of his behaviors. He doesn't have any of those things. Just like although it is fun to say my ex is a sociopath because he lacks empathy he is actually high functioning autistic like our third child.
It sounds like the meds he is taking are not right for him. But perhaps the other part is it is damn hard to appear normal all day but if you don't appear normal you lose your job. I am lucky I am damn good at my job so they don't care if I am a little quirky so when I get home I am just a little quirky. Not sure what my poor husband would get if I went into public accounting, there would have to be a balance. I am just lucky that my husband understand that there is a level of strangeness that comes with the amazing. :)
I really don't know what to tell you so far as going forward because there is no one size fits all. I just know this is all ADHD so perhaps start with finding a therapist that specializes with adults with ADHD.
You are normal, and it doesn't really matter what his "diagnosis" is. You are unhappy, and that affects your children. Get yourself into therapy and figure out what you have to do to take care of you and your kids. Don't feel guilty you don't want sex with him.
What you need to do depends totally on what you want for your ultimate goal. If you want to stay married to this man and make it "work" then you HAVE to be the bigger person (though it's not fair) and step up to the sex plate. You just have to take that excuse off of his menu and get past your distaste and make yourself like it. You said yourself this is challenging for you aside from the issues he has. If you CAN be nice to him and affectionate to him and supportive of him DESPITE his flaws, you MAY be able to SUPPORT him in improving once you have taken his excuses away and he is feeling loved by you (or maybe not but you could give it your best try for six months and see what happens).
However, if you feel his issues are impossible to deal with no matter what (they sort of sound like it) and you feel better off moving on (you may be) than having your kids look up to an alcoholic with mental disorders who treats you badly, then take steps in that direction and don't worry about bothering with the sex.
Pick your desired outcome, and act accordingly.
Bottom line, he needs to stop drinking. If he has depression issues, drinking will make him even MORE irritable. People with depression do not understand how dangerous drinking is.
You are not abnormal, you have a problem on your hands. He needs help and unless he gets it, nothing is going to change and he is going to lose you. Deservingly.
I wish you all the best of luck!
I hear this advice so much on this site that it makes me puke, but in your case I do not think you have a choice short of divorce: seek marriage counseling. Neither of you will convince the other of their shortcomings, but a third person might be able to help. Also, if you are a person who believes in the Triune God start praying because you need more than a miracle, you (rather your husband) needs the power of the Holy Spirit to transform (which I have a feeling would be a slow and painful process vs. an overnight miracle, which is generally the way He works) You have my prayers.
i had an alcoholic dad growing up and wished my mom would let him stay gone instead of keep inviting him back in. what service are you doing your kids by staying unhappy and making them deal with him too?
I say therapy . if he';s not willing to go then I;d go. if he was actively trying to change I'd try and work on things too
Well, IF he does have BPD, this book and website will be of tremendous help.
http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-P...
http://www.bpdcentral.com
As Dr. Phil said in his book Relationship Rescue, sex isn't important when couples are having it. But when they aren't having it, it can turn into a huge issue and make existing issues greater. So, while I believe what you are feeling is completely normal, it can also create a larger barrier in your marriage, more mood swings for him, and generally just make things worse.
I have a close relative with BPD, but I have to say it doesn't sound like he has this... but with his depression, meds and such compounded with his heavy drinking can not be an easy thing to live with for either of you, or your children who may be affected more than you realize. I would most certainly recommend counseling for the both of you. If he refuses to go, than at least you and the children will benefit from some help.
Men and women see sex in 2 different ways. Women, as you know, need to feel loved BEFORE they have sex. Men on the other hand, need the physical sex BEFORE they feel loved. They think that the act itself is proof that you love them. It's upside down for women.
Alls I can tell you is that I felt JUST LIKE YOU and when I started NOT saying no, everything around our house changed. My husband's always only been a once a week kinda guy (which has ALWAYS been okay with me - I was never into it either) but I'd always have an excuse come Saturday night and the rest of the week would go downhill from there. Once I stopped with the excuses and just realized that HE needed it to know I loved him, he started responding to things I needed!!!
Try counseling. If he won't go, go for yourself. It will give you the insight you need to either work it out or leave.
