Leaving 19 Month Old for 4 Nights, Need Advice

Hi A. -

Looks like lots of moms here have given you the reassurance you were looking for. I will join them in saying your child won't be scared for life--especially if you treat the situation with sensitivity and care (as you certainly have demonstrated you are by asking advice on this board). As someone who has spent a lot of time studying childhood/infant attachment, I would say that your concerns about his current developmental stage of separation anxiety is one to consider as well as the length of time you're gone, based on a bit of research a friend of mine did a few years ago when she was planning a trip with her husband. She found a study that basically says that researchers have found that children under the age of 6 should not be away from their primary caregiver for a number of days that is more than double their age. So, for example, if you have a 3-year-old, it's best not to be away more than 5 nights/6 days, and so on. The focus of the study was based on the fairly recent discovery that even infants and young children can fall into depression when separated from their primary caregiver for long periods of time, which generally correlates with their age and developmental stage. As a few of the moms shared here, children will begin to show signs of anxiety before falling into a state of depression as they become weepy, nervous, fearful, etc. If the parent doesn't return while the child is experiencing the "anxiety" stage, then the child will continue into depression.

I'm not telling you this to condemn you or make you feel guilty for wanting to get away with your husband--certainly that is something that can be enjoyed between husband and wife on occasion, but I just wanted to give you a little more information (other than personal experience) to help you decide what will be best with your child and his age/developmental stage. Personally, I found it comforting to have a reference and a guideline that helped me know how long is a healthy separation for parent and child during the preschool years. Of course, factors that can affect the child's reaction to the separation may also be demonstrated by how secure the attachment is to begin with, personality, and attachments with secondary caregivers. So, your child may be able to be separated a little longer than the guidelines of this study suggest, but you cannot predict it, and it's better to be safe than sorry. I am going to just copy the summarized study below if you want to read more:

"Depression in Infancy and Early Childhood

"Studies indicate that infantile depression and juvenile depression are all too common in the Western World, especially in the United States where our culture centers around the needs of adults rather than children. The leading cause of this depression? Separation from mother. In the mind of a very tiny person, this is a true "breach of security." A baby or young child who has a healthy attachment with his mother, and then undergoes the dramatic withdrawal of his mother for a significant period of time, will go through a measurable cycle of emotions leading ultimately to a physiological form of depression where the body and mind rapidly begin to shut down. But just how long is this "significant period" of separation that leads to such trauma? Studies show a predictable timeline among typical children in clinical trials.

"The maximum length of time for a healthy coping response among children under age 6 that is generally observed can be estimated by doubling the child's age. Upon reaching that point in time, researchers say, the child's emotions would then plummet to the point where they would be unable to handle the level of stress in a constructive way. In other words, the child emotionally, and often physically, begins to "shut down." Once this state of depression sets in, it can take considerable time and effort to reestablish the trust and security needed to rebuild the attachment necessary for emotional and psychological health. The following is a chart indicating the periods of time of maximum separation (note the key word here is maximum; this does not mean these times are optimal or recommended).

--Maximum length of maternal separation before depression sets in--
[age...length in time]
5 years....10 days (9 nights)
4 1/2 years....9 days (8 nights)
4 years...8 days (7 nights)
3 1/2 years...7 days (6 nights)
3 years...6 days (5 nights)
2 1/2 years...5 days (4 nights)
2 years...4 days (3 nights)
1 1/2 years...3 days (2 nights)
1 year...2 days (1 night)
1/2 year...1 day (no nights)
newborn...1/2 day (no nights)

"(Studies have not been conducted to indicate the effect of maternal separation after age 5, but it is believed by some psychologists that by age 6 the child's brain is developed enough to accommodate more advanced coping mechanisms for prolonged separations, thereby circumventing measurable psychological pathology.)

"Keep in mind that these figures indicate when infantile depression and juvenile depression set in...not when adverse psychological affects begin. Most children, and especially infants, follow a progressive course of anxiety. For example, a 4 year old might truly enjoy his visit with grandma the first 2 days before beginning to feel anxiety; whereas a 1 1/2 year old might experience feelings of anxiety and loss during the first night of separation, and perhaps deep anxiety (including guilt, fear, feelings of abandonment, etc.) on the second day, but would not go into a measurable state of true depression until the end of the 3rd day. Parents who reunite with their children after they have reached the point of depression usually witness one of two reactions: anger or ambivalence. Of the two, anger is the healthier option. An angry child can usually be helped after a lengthy period of time has renewed the trust in the relationship. An ambivalent child has more or less shut down to the point where he no longer feels emotional pain on a conscious level, indicating that this pain has been suppressed and will be very difficult to uncover, after any length of time. Professional therapy is often needed at this point. It is generally agreed upon that the younger the child at the time of separation, the more acute the trauma. Babies and toddlers are the most difficult to assess and remediate. These immature minds are simply unable to process the complex concept that mother will return or that they can survive on their own without her in the meantime. In their perception, their survival is wrapped up in her presence, without which a baby or young child simply does not possess the will to live.

"Symptoms of depression are: unwillingness to make eye contact; listlessness; chronic sleepiness; blank looks; loss of appetite; nightmares; weight loss; absence of communication; nervous tics and habits; and lack of affection. Symptoms of extreme anxiety (that precede depression) include: clinginess; increase in whining or crying; nervous chatter; new fears and phobias; and compulsive behavior.

"Considerable research has been done showing how critical the maternal attachment is in the life of every child, especially during the first 3 years. Parents would be wise to make themselves aware of the facts, as they plan their schedules and holidays. The best course of action when parents of tiny children plan their vacations is: take them with you. Better to lose a little sleep and a little privacy than to lose the trust of a child."

I left my 24 month old son with daddy and his beloved aunt for 3 nights (4 entire days) and my biggest mistake was not waking him up from the nap to say goodbye. After I got back he was often freaked out for a while whenever I left because he didn't know if I'd be gone another 4 days. You don't have to be melodramatic, but show him the suitcase and tell him how long you'll be gone when you say goodbye. That way he'll generally know that unless you're packing suitcases and saying goodbye in a special way, that you're probably not going to be gone too long.

He also acted aloof when I got back, but I think he liked it when I kept smiling and giving him attention anyway when he ignored me, because he warmed up to me soon enough. :-)

Update 9/24/08:

I was little worried to begin with about the amount of time and his age, and after reading Jessica F's post I'd have to agree that it does seem a bit long an absence for his age.

While I had a nice reunion with my son I can't say that it would have gone the same way had I been gone an extra day (he was getting very crabby and upset that last day and a half). And while I wouldn't say it "scarred" him, I do think it has permanently changed him in that his trust in me was shaken a little. This is despite the fact that he stayed home with dad and his aunt who lived with us from when he was 10 months until 20 months (and he sometimes prefers her to me!)

My opinion is that if you could possibly shorten the trip even one day, that you might have less regret later. To me, the possibility of hurting my child would not be the best way to begin another addition to my family. If my husband were pressuring me to take the full 5 days despite my anxiety, I would hope that I would take into account the delicate psyche of a 19 month old toddler vs. the wishes of a full-grown adult not getting exactly the length of trip they wanted!

Of course, you may not be able to change the length of the trip at this point, but I just wanted to add this extra part which has been nagging at me. I think these things really do matter a lot especially the younger they are. Their sense of time is not like ours and their personalities are still being formed by every experience!

A., you are not scarring your child, don't worry about that! (Easier said than done.) Your email sounds much like my own several months back. I posted something similar, you might be able to search for it. Beware, you will likely get a wide range of responses. I'll tell you what we did and learned.

Our son was around 10 months and we left for 4 nights. Our first time away from him. I was SO nervous. And, I balled on the plane ride to Mexico, and while we were in Mexico I cried a bit too. However, I did sleep like a rock and I didn't think I would.

I recommend that you tell your boy about the trip about a week early (timing depends on you and him). I would mention it several times over the week, let him know how much fun he'll have with grandma and grandpa and how much fun mommy and daddy will have together. Explain in whatever detail you are comfortable. But, don't be sad about it. Be happy because he will pick up on any stress, sadness, etc. You might even show him on a map.

Make sure he has a nice blanket to cuddle, any lovie, etc. Also, leave a shirt that smells like you. I wrote an entire booklet for our parents on ways to make him feel more at home, his schedule, etc.

We opted not to talk with Rowan while we were away because we thought it would stress him out. You could test this if you have a chance to be away all day. Call him and see how he reacts.

However, we requested many cell phone pictures be sent to us, (they were our lifeblood and when they didn't come fast enough we got very ansy), and we sent emails every day. Our parents read him the emails to him, which helped us feel closer.

All in all, Rowan had a really good time. Yes it was hard to be away from each other, yes we were all very happy to be together again, but everyone had a good time. It was a VERY special time for the grandparents and for Rowan too. He learned he could be away from us for a short while and be well cared for. And there was no lasting effect whatsoever when we got home. He was just very excited to see us.

Just make sure they can keep things as close as possible to what he's used to. I'm not sure if you are nursing or co-sleeping. If so, having someone sleep with him will be a big help. Grandma slept with Rowan rather than try to put him in a crib. That would've been a big shock for him.

My determining factor in going away was this: A healthy marriage leads to a happy family. You'll be better parents by taking a little break. Have fun! Cry a little, but don't worry. He'll be well loved.

I left my son for 5 nights when he was about 2 1/2; so a little older than your boy. I left him with his dad part of the time and his grandma the other part. I said hi to him on the phone every night, and we lived through the ordeal. ;) I say we, because it was hard on me too. The only fall out was that he was a bit standoffish when I got home. But no permanent damage, so try not to feel too guilty. I would be open about your intentions, but not talk about them too far in advance because that would probably be confusing to him. Little kids don't track time that well yet.

You are not scarring your son for life! Your parents managed to raise you without too many permanent disasters. Give them credit for being able to handle one small, busy boy! You can pitch this to him as a treat that big boys get to do. Spending several days with Grandma will be very cool for him and for your parents. Yes, he may fuss a bit when you first leave, that's pretty normal. But, your Mom can distract him and he will do fine. Besides, you and your hubby need to have some grown-up time occasionally!Especially if you want a chance to make # 2. Sam

From my experience, I would tell him the night before or the morning of depending how early you are leaving, let him help you pack his clothes in his own special suitcase and let him chose something he wants to put in there. The other thing my mom siad really helped when she watched my kids for 3 nights was having a picture of my husband and i taped on the wall above where they were sleeping so they could give us a kiss and say good night. Have fun and enjoy your time!

Since you're leaving him with trusted family members it will be OK. You will probably have more difficulty than he will.

It is not our responsibility to make our children always happy. Sadness because he misses you is normal. He will always have feelings about different things. It does him harm if we try to 'protect" him from his feelings.

All children are different. YOu'll just have to "play it by ear." Some common steps are to not tell him too soon that you'e going. He has no sense of time. Perhaps you could tell him a couple of days in advance and have him help you pack his suitcase. He's going somewhere too. Focus on the fun he's going to have instead of how much you will miss him.

It is difficult for children this age to talk on the phone. I wouldn't call him. If his grandmother thinks he needs to hear your voice she can call you.

Normal activities such as taking a vacation separate from your child will defninitely scar him for life. The scars are caused by abusive situations and the lack of parental involvement.
All of us have some scars. We heal thru therapy.
For most of us the scars are small.

So-go, have a good time and purposely stop worrying about your son.

Let me just say that all three of you are going to be fine! This last spring we left our then 14 month old with my parents for a week while we went to Disneyland with our older two kids. He was too young to go on any rides and he's also very active and would have been really difficult on vacation. (My parents were planning on coming with us, but plans changed and they offered to keep our son home with them.) I was aprehensive about leaving him for so long, but he did so good! We took our laptop with us and emailed pictures to my parents everyday so they could show them to our son. And she took plenty of pictures and emailed them to us also. He was a little sad when I dropped him off and said goodbye, but my mom said that didn't last more than a couple minutes. At first he walked around their house looking in every room for mommy, but he adjusted well and was just perfect for them.
So, go have a great vacation and relax. He is going to be just fine. Plus the realization on my son's face when he saw me again, and the big hugs I got were a nice bonus when we got home.
Good luck!! And enjoy your vacation...and your husband!

We left our kids (2.5 years and 1 year) for eight days this summer with the best caregiver ever (one of our friends). She told me that the older one did get a little weepy by the end of the week, but neither kid had a bad reaction when we came back. The older one told me how much she missed us, and the little one was just happy to see us.

It's hard, but try to not feel guilty. Look at it as a special time for your child to bond with his grandparents. Even if he's upset with you when you come back, he'll get passed it and still love you.

Hi A.,
I have 3 kids and have had nights away from each of them. At 19 months he won't really understand if you talk about it ahead of time, but I personally felt better doing it. If you want to, then do talk about it with him. Reassure him that you'll only be gone for for a couple of nights and will be back. As for the phone, I would say check in with your family but you never know if it could upset your son, so I wouldn't chat with him.
The first night will be the hardest but enjoy yourself!!! Your son will be safe and will love spending time with Grandma & Grandpa. Good luck on baby #2!! :-)

Don't dwell on the fact you are leaving, play up on the fact that he will get 4 days with Grandpa and Grandma what a lucky little boy. I have left my kids for much longer then that and they survived just fine. (I was in the military). Worrying about your son, who will be fine, will not help with setting the mood to work on baby number two. Enjoy the time with your husband. Your son might be anxious because you are and kids pick up on that. It really is harder on the parents then the kids.

This was June, my husband and I left our 23 month old daugther for five days. We felt that we were due for a romantic getaway. So, we left her with my mom, who she truly adores. We planned for about a week and left. But, she had never slept overnight away from us before. What an oversight! I never imagined what an angry hurt little girl I'd come home to. She was so angry that she pointed to the door and said, "Mama go back, go back!" Then she covered her little face with her hands and cried. It took her a week to get back to normal.

So, what would I advice you to do? Go on your vacation without your little one, especially if the goal is to "work on a second." But, I would strongly advise you to do what you can to prepare your little weeks in advance of the trip. Read books about kids having sleepovers or about parents going away and then coming back. Have him stay with the caretaker for a night and then return, and discuss how it went. Then before you leave, give him a special toy or blanket that smells like you. I know it's weird, but it really works. Do as much as you can to pave the way for a smooth and enjoyable vacation for the all (even though your son isn't going with you, you can still refer to it as "Your Son's special vacation with Grandpa," or something creative. Don't forget to call at breakfast time and at bedtime to sing a good morning song and/or read a story over the phone. Just try to give him regular reminders that his parents still love him and are apart of his daily routine. We learned from our mistakes and we were able to take an extended weekend trip (minus our daughter) without incident.

Your son will be fine. It might be a little hard for him, but it is good for him to know that if you leave you WILL come back. He has caretakers that you trust and he enjoys being around which is the most important thing. As for talking on the phone, that I'm not sure about. We left my 1yr old with my best friend (at our home) for 4 days and we called to see how Ellie was doing, but did not talk to her. If she was older I may have "said hi" but at 1yr it just didn't seem necessary. My friend basically said Ellie didn't even know we were gone even though she did cry a little when we left. In the end leaving him for a few days will be outweighed by the quality time you get with your husband. Happy parents make a happy kid.

well i most certainly can tell you that you are NOT scarring your child for life lol and it mostly will depend on your child's demeanor on how this should be approached. I have two daughters and both are completely opposite. My almost 5 year old is the type who would need a lot of forewarning, my almost 3 year old is the type who could careless. So if your son is the type who needs the warning just say a couple days before "mommy and daddy are going to such and such and you get to stay with grandma and grandpa isn't that great?" make it exciting for him. As for the grandparents talking about you, i wouldn't have them bring you up but if your child does then that's fine. chances are the going to bed part will be the worst lol BUT i'm sure the grandparents can handle it. I suggest trying to relax as much as possible, 4 days isn't very long :)

We have left our children with my mom and dad overnight since they were babies. My kids loved staying with grandma and grandpa, my parents loved it, too.

Because your parents have already watched your son before with good results, I wouldn't worry about leaving him for 4 nights. He has already developed a loving relationship with them and is used to being with them. We always talked to our children before the trip. At least once to inform them and again to give more specifics: when we were going, for how long, what to expect while at Grandma's. We kept it brief.

I tried not to call more than once or twice to check on my kids while I was gone. They were always fine, of course and not missing me at all! They were having too much fun with their grandparents, as it should be.

I also sent along my children's baby journals so my mom could write in it during their stay. She would write about their activities, and all the cute things they did, from a grandma's perspective. Time spent with grandparents are probably some of my children's best memories.

Go and have fun! Your 19 month old will be fine with your parents for 4 days.

C. J.
Semi-retired teacher and mom of a 20 year old college student

My husband has a work meeting every year where we both attend and leave our now 21 month old son for 5 days as well, this last time he was 20 months. He coulda cared less. He had a blast. It may have helped that my neices live close by and helped keep him entertained. I don't have any great words of wisdom but if he is okay staying the night he should be fine for 4 nights. And as my mom told me the first time we left him for 4 nights (to another STATE!) it will be harder for me than him, and sure enough it was and he was 8 months at the time. Good Luck!

S.

The leading up to the trip is the hardest part...you just think about all the things that make you crazy. Once you are on your trip you both will be fine. The leaving will be hard, but 4 days is a reasonable amount of time. It will fly by! I think he will have a great time with grandma, and will probably ask about mommy and daddy, but probably won't fall apart. I would say talk with him on the phone 1-2 times during your trip to reassure him you are coming back, but all in all, it will be okay! We left our 18 mo old with grandparents for a week while we were at a wedding on the east coast a couple years ago. It all went very well...I missed her, but I also really enjoyed the break. And grandma said at about the 5th day she was asking to go home and for mommy...but the first 5 days were great! Relax, and enjoy this time with your husband...once you have two, these trips are even more rare!

You are so lucky to have such wonderful parents, who are reliable to care for your little one in your absense..
I have found in the past that its best to have the little ones at their own home and surroundings..and try to keep the same schedule as if the mommy was there..Write out a total schedule..and leave a cassette of mommy and daddy talking to baby..Children at this age do have separation anxiety..and they dont like for there mommy to be outta site..or to be left behind..This is sometimes harder on the parents..
Four nites with agreat grandma should be fine..as long as grandmas home has been kid safed..meds and chemicals up where baby wont get to them..stairways etc.
You now have two months..you could even have a nanny stay at your own home..and use your mom for back -up..
Make sure you leave emergency lists..Drs. Hosp. etc.
Kids do get sick ...ear aches..fever flu..Leave a detailed list as to what to do in an emergency for your mom and any sitter you may have .Good Luck to You..

Well, my youngest was four before I was gone for more than a night, but my approach may work for you. We worked up to it. Granted, you've only got two months left, so I don't know how you'll lay it out, but when I knew I was going to have to be gone for a while I started by having my mother watch them two nights, then a month later three nights. When I did finally head out for my five day trip, it was just a little bit longer than the last one so they really didn't notice.

Hi A.,

My daughter was almost exactly that age when my husband and I took a vacation to Hawaii for four days. We lucked out and won a 4 nights of hotel stays--2 nights each on two islands and the inter-island air fare was paid for. We only had to come up with the airfare to Honolulu and we had to use it within a year. So, though we never would have thought to plan so long a vacation when she was that age we couldn't pass it up and we felt that we would spend most of our time in a hotel room if we brought her with. And, uh, eating out with a 20-month-old is not fun. A little background, though. She was not quite sleeping through the night yet (waking up once or twice before morning) and she was still breastfeeding (also once or twice a day).

She stayed 2 nights with grandma and 2 nights with a beloved uncle. By the time we got back she was weepy and insecure. A little background, though. She was not quite sleeping through the night yet (waking up once or twice before morning) and she was still breastfeeding (also once or twice a day). We just babied her a lot when we got back. We kept her as close as she wanted us to be (we missed her too) and after a few weeks she was back to her old confident self. By the way, she is 6 now and I don't think she's scarred from it at all.

I wouldn't mention it much ahead of time. Give him a day or two lead time emphasizing how fun it's going to be to spend time with grandma and grandpa not how you and daddy are going to be gone.

I don't think your parents should go out of their way to mention you, but if he's calling for you and feeling upset they should address what he's feeling and let him know that you'll be back in a few days. Keeping him distracted is great, but if he needs to have a cry then they should let him and let him know that that's okay.

I would communicate via phone even if it makes him a little sad. It will be good for him to know that you're still somewhere and thinking about him.

Good luck. It might be a breeze, it might be hard, but if you've given him a good foundation he'll absolutely bounce back. Good luck!

Before you leave, write a note for each day/night you will be gone (telling them what you are doing (child's version), along with a song you sing them or a special phrase,etc). Each day have the caregiver read a letter to your child, so they have a "piece" of you with them and they can hold the note with them while you are gone. I have also gotten a special (small) stuffed animal for them to cuddle to give it all them so they can hug it and "send" me hugs that way...These suggestions worked for both house hunting trips to Seattle we had to make without our two girls, ages 4 and 2...A.

<grinning> We left for 10 days, on our belated honeymoon, when my son was 2. We'd also taken two or three Valentines or getaway weekends starting when he was about 1...so it wasn't *poof* gone for 10 days without any kind of trial period.

Our son was great. We called every night, but other then that, about the only person who was experiencing anxiety was me. Half the time he didn't even want to stay on the phone (and he loves to talk) because he was busy playing. We made a big deal (day of) about how "isn't it great that since you're a big boy you get to stay at Nana's?!?" LOL, I actually started calming down right about the time we were coming back.

On a shorter weekend away we tried making a big deal before the day of, but remember, their sense of time is a little skewed at this age. All we really managed to do was confuse him. By the time our honeymoon rolled around, we'd fortunately learned this lesson already.

He'll pick up his cues from how he's supposed to react from you. If you're nervous and stressed out (or if nana & papa are) about you leaving, he will be. If you're excited about the big adventure, he'll pick that up, too. He'll miss you, of course, but when you go to pick him up *watch your reactions*. If you're nonchalant, he may not even act like he knew you were gone. I've never been able to pull off nonchalant, but my mom would leave us with neighbors when she'd go away on weekends to Singapore/Taiwan/Tibet/HongKong (we lived in asia) and when she'd come back she was the QUEEN of nonchalance. (I found out much later this was all an act!)Upon toddling into the kitchen of my friend's house and seeing her drinking tea I remember being surprised (i had forgotten she'd left)/irritated that I had to stop playing/happy to see her. I was 2-3. Regardless, you'll notice a few changes in him when you pick him up. It's natural. If anyone other then you watches him he'll pick things up. It's how babies learn. The changes are not permanent, but the act of learning from other people are. You'll see the same changes, if you're paying attention, all throughout his life as he picks things up from babysitters, friends, teachers, tv, etc. etc.

From a historic viewpoint, children have been left with loved ones for short & long periods since the dawn of time. Hunting parties were frequently out for several days at a time, and you can be certain that infants stayed at home with caregivers. We're built with inquiring minds and open hearts that thrive off of contact with people. Otherwise we'd only love & learn from our parents and NEVER our grandparents/friends/teachers/spouses. Heck....we'd all be recluses and the species would die off.

It's GOOD for your son to form attachments and develop trust with other people. Especially people you've already "vetted" ;)It lays the groundwork for forming attachments and healthy relationships later in life.

It's also GOOD for your son to start getting the subconscious message that "When Mommy goes, she always comes back." Try making a "routine" of leaving. For years, whenever I'd leave (to school, to the grocery store, on a datenight, or on a honeymoon) I'd hug, kiss, tell him to have fun & listen, make a silly face at him, and wave my whole way to the car. If he could see me I'd wave out the sunroof, which always made him crack up when he was little. I'd leave. I'd come back. No worries. He knows I'm here to stay, & I love him. Everyone's routines (from bedtime, to booboos, to holidays, to leaving) are different. You probably already have one, but if you don't, make one that's natural to you. You'll both feel more grounded, because knowing we're coming back (in your gut) helps us too.

:)

Have a great trip. May it be the first of many!
~Z.

We left our sons for a long weekend in Paris. We explained that we would be gone for 3 nights and during that time they would get to have special play time with ...(fill in with caretakers name), and then on the next day we would be home with a special surprise. We called them on the phone in on the middle day. They missed us, but it did not do them any harm, and they learned that we can go and we will return.