Learning How to Help My Boys Cope Better with Changes

Updated on October 21, 2011
D.C. asks from Gresham, OR
4 answers

I have twin boys that just started Kindergarten. This morning was one of the worst drop offs that I have had. The teacher prewarned them that she would be gone today and a different teacher would be there. I understand what she was doing. Telling a child ahead of time is probably better then springing a surprise on them. My boys were fine until we parked in front of the school. One son was doing great, the other one started saying he didn't want to go to school, he is shy, he is scared. I try not to coddle them but it breaks my heart when they are uncomfortable with something. At first I tell him he will be ok. Then he would get out of the truck. So I got down to his level and asked him why he was scared, being shy.....etc. He came up with every excuse in the book. I know it is because of his regular teacher being gone. I took him to class and he literally threw a fit. The regular asst helper was there and she wasnt able to calm him down, the sub didnt do much to help except to tell me to leave. I was trying to calm him down. The literally pointed me out of the classroom. I felt it was rude and told her that I understood I needed to leave but I am just trying to help calm him down. Then the other kindergarten teacher came out of her class to try and assist with calming him down. I just walked out. Him crying out to me. It just breaks my heart. Of course my other son, who I normally have trouble with was a perfect angel. lol.

This is not the first time. They have been like this since I can remember. I don't know what to do anymore. It could be just driving to the store and I take a different route, or going to the park and telling them we are walking instead of driving, or we don't have time to play at a mcdonalds play place, trying a new food. I try to just tell them it will be fine. Explain that its not a big deal, get down to there level and ask them what wrong. I've tried time outs, I've tried changing my tone of voice. When I am not around, they seem to be really good kids. So I know they are workin' it when I am around but how do I stop that. My step son just needed a "look" and he was just fine after that.

Its put a toll on my marriage. I husband just believes spanking is the way to go. I believe spanking should be done when extreme things happen otherwise it becomes a norm for them. They just can't go with the flow and I don't understand it. I look at other kids and changes don't even phase them. It becomes embaressing. I don't take them to kids parties because they never want to leave, even when their friends are gone, and then they pitch a fit. I just don't get it. Where is Supernanny when I need her. lol.

Has anybody else gone through this. I need advice. I love my boys and I want them to be happy but I don't want to give in to every little demand or misbehavior.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for the responses. I guess I should have said by getting down to their level as kneeling down to their level not acting like them. I can just say that I have tried everything known to man....or should I say woman. lol. I do change my tone with with them to excitement. When they mentioned it at dinner the night before, they were fine with it. I was acting as if it could be really fun. I would tell them that their dad and I had sub teachers and even their big brother, now 21 had them too. Of course he was fine after a while. I do hold up to the consequences when they misbehave, but nothing seems to stick with them. They just get in these moods and to get them out of the sometimes I feel takes a miracle. For instance, the other twin is crying right now because he says he is afraid of the dark. There is nothing different being done than we do every night for bed. My step son was never like this and he was from a split family. All we ever had to do was give him the "look" and he would stop. Not these boys. I see drama class in their future. lol. Thanks for the advice.

More Answers

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H.C.

answers from Portland on

I would suggest trying homeopathy. You don't need to be sick or have any physical complaint to be treated with homeopathy and it is an excellent way to treat kids, very gentle and subtle, not at all expensive, and very easy to administer. A good Homeopath will take a very detailed case, including lots of personality trait questions. For example being afraid of the dark, rattled by change, even being a twin, etc, are all the kinds of information that he/she will use to decide which remedy mirrors the imbalances your children are demonstrating. It might seem a bit left field to you, especially if you don't really know about how homeopathy works and how it is used, but I really think it could help your boys. If you are interested, I could look into finding you a referral. I know a lot of people in the field to ask.

J.A.

answers from Erie on

Maybe when you change your voice, it could be to one of excitement and adventure? Help them to think that this is a great thing-something exciting to face! Because you already know you will be facing a challenge with each change, maybe your own apprehensions can be heard in your own voice. Maybe also, you just don't need to mention the changes. And when they notice, don't explain it to them-just be excited if you can, or tell them, well, that's how life goes sometimes! But all in an upbeat manner.

It may not be helping to get down on their level because at their level, they are not adjusting to change, and sometimes are throwing fits due to it.

I read a book by Kevin Leman called Have a New Kid by Friday.
Basically the book is simple, and he talks about the fun things we do with our kids, or when they are expecting to go to a friend's house or something.

When they misbehave, or ignore our requests/rules in the home (say it ONCE), and the time comes when you are supposed to go for your weekly ice cream treat, or visit to a friends, etc, when they approach you and say, Mommy, can we get ice cream today? Or, can I have a cookie? Or, are we going to Tommy's house today?, you say, No, we're not going to Tommy's today/getting ice cream this week/no, you can't have cookies today, and the LEAVING THE ROOM. He says the child will follow you and ask WHY??? And that is when you tell them their behavior was unacceptable, or whatever the problem was, and then leave the room AGAIN. Don't argue with the child, don't continue to explain, don't comfort them when they start to cry about it. Just ignore their reaction.

When they promise to never throw a tantrum again, let them know you appreciate that, and that it's great. And when they say, Can we go get ice cream now? STILL say no this time. Do not change your answer. But Mommy, I promised I won't do it again! Still do not change. This shows the child that the truly won't be rewarded when their behavior is unacceptable.

The next time you face the same situation, their behavior will probably be different because they realize Mommy isn't going to coddle them in every small situation.

Since you are married, it doesn't sound like you have an unstable home life that causes them to fear change, as I've seen some children act that way after their parents separate. Since you have twins, it may work very well to follow Dr. Leman's advice, and still reward the one who behaved, yet show you mean business with the one who misbehaved.

Some may think it sounds heartless, but sometimes even tho it's making Mommy's heart hurt on the inside to discipline them, because we want them to be happy, it's actually a huge help to let their little hearts ache a little (as far as proper discipline) so that they will learn to be content without having to throw a tantrum to get to a place of contentment.

My own children were past this stage by the time I found this book, but it does sound like good advice to me.

On Amazon, out of 149 reviews, 132 of those reviews are 4 or 5 stars (out of 5), 106 of them being 5 stars. Many people say that this book has saved them. Please read the reviews, and hope this helps you! You may even decide to buy the book for yourself. He's better at explaining his book to you than I am. =) Best wishes!

http://www.amazon.com/Have-New-Kid-Friday-Workbook/produc...

This is the link to the workbook because there were more reviews to read. I only had the regular book, which was also good, in case you would like to purchase it.

(ps. I don't think I came off in this response as harsh in anyway-if I did, it certainly is never my intent to do so. We're all in different stages of our lives, and we are all trying to do what we think is best, so I am not judging or ever throwing stones. The good Lord knows this mama has had her share of times of needing help when I can't figure out the solution!)

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R.M.

answers from San Francisco on

Mirror their emotions!!!!!!

Don't say, "It will be ok." This makes them MORE scared.

DO say, "It's scary to go to school sometimes, isn't it." This makes them LESS scared.

Try it, it works.

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C.W.

answers from Portland on

My twin daughters (11) are the same way. They have extreme difficulty with change. They are also both dyslexic. I think it is how their brains work. I have learned to try to follow a schedule and a consistent routine with them. It doesn't always work though as change is sometimes unavoidable. The meltdowns still occur. Understanding that it is a learning difference and that their brains are wired differently helps me to better understand them.

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