The Group of Bully's Is on the New Team.

Nicole, listen to Gail and Nicole! These moms who say you're hurting him by taking him off the team obviously haven't seen a real bullying situation unless their child is the one doing the bullying! That's not meant as an attack, but he's only 7 for goodness sakes and shouldn't need his fun time to become a time of anxiety. AT ALL. It's your job to give him skills to deal with his emotions and their words and actions, but also to protect his developing self esteem and sense of safety. Usually there's multiple teams w/in a community and if practice hasn't started for you then it's not too late to call the coordinator to request a switch of teams. If you don't he likely will learn to hate soccer and not want to join next year.
If that's not an option then maybe having the non-leaders over to play a few times, even if just one of them, could give him a little back up when the group is together. You likely wouldn't want to have him friends with the leader anyway if the parents are the same way. Eww. Getting with a child psychologist/counselor may be most beneficial to give him positive methods to deal with their behavior as well as his own anxiety.

Hi, T.! I have a ten year old son. Bullying is everywhere. We have had issues with this as well, but his teachers, principal, bus drivers, coaches know that I will not tolerate it. I call in everytime Aaron comes home upset, crying, mad at the world and let them know that it needs to be dealt with. Schools will do anything for parents, we are their lifeline! I have asked Aaron to report to the teachers when someone is bothering him. He does, and if nothing is done about it I let the principal know that is unacceptable and she deals with the teacher. My husband is a teacher so I know how hard a job it is, but if a child is being pushed around you can not let that go. I am on a first name basis with all the staff members, and in turn they know they can call me whenever Aaron is not doing his job at school, knowing that I will talk to him and change his attitude.
My husband and I have also talked to Aaron about why bullying happens. We have let him know that sometimes kids feal bad about something so they do hurtful things to other kids so everyone feels bad. Also, Aaron is extremely intelligent and so I have let him know that some kids who have a hard time with school work might be jelious of how easy it comes to him. This information has been huge to him! He understands that there is nothing wrong with him, and he knows that it is pretty pathetic to bully and he feels sorry for those kids who have to act like that.
Schedule a meeting with your son's teacher and principal. Write down the things your child has reported to you that is happening at school. Maybe there is still time before summer soccer season to deal with the issues with these kids at school where it should have been knicked in the bud a long time ago. I remember when this all started in kindergarten how I was feeling and not knowing if there was anything I could do to prevent it. Now I know as a parent I am the only one who is going to do it and I need to. If you are uncomfortable talking to his teacher about it, you can also go to the schools website for a directory of email addresses and send him/her an email where you can compose all your thoughts as well as CC it to the principal. Good luck! You can do it!

Have you thought of calling the mom of each boy and inviting their son to come over to play (soccer for example) for a half day? In packs boys will act against their own self-interest. Getting to know each other one-on-one would diffuse the group mentality.

I'll bet dollars to donuts your son would like to be friends with them ~ the are probably the "cool" boys and have more to offer him socially than it looks like from the outside as a mom.

I would also mention it again to the coach once the season starts. Team sports typically bring kids together. Don't set your son up for leaving the team. He can stay away from these boys when on the field or figure out a way to become accepted. The pecking order among boys changes all the time ~ I'd wait it out if I were you. But watch your son for bully-like behavior to ensure that he is not learning from these boy's example.

I was bullied until 8th grade and was depressed for all those years. People tried to give me things to say or do to stand up to others, but once I timidly tried them, I wouldn't know what to do next, because I didn't have any confidence. It shaped my life and I'm always one to pull for the underdog.

I wish someone would have given me a fresh start at a whole new school. I also wish that adults who knew what was going on would have intervened until I could do it for myself. I think we owe that to our kids. They don't all grow up at the same pace or have the skills they need right away. An adult should model what is right so the child can hold on to that truth.

I am now an incredibly outgoing person with tons of friends and great social skills. Mostly, I think, because in Jr. high my parents started reading Norman Vincent Peale books as a family after dinner every night. I decided who I wanted to be and how I was going to be no matter what anyone else thought, and that finally gave me the confidence to be me. Before that age, I'm not sure what would've worked.

Trust your mom intuition. He's too little to be expected to come up with these solutions all on his own.

I had the same problem with one of my daughters in first grade. she would get bullied and teased and all sorts of nasty things that I would never have thought could come from kids so young. I went to the school and straight to the principle. I let them know that I was not going to put up with any of it. I don't think they thought it was a big deal at first, but when I said I would go to the school myself and sit and watch to make sure that it didn't happen anymore they finally took action. It started with the teachers watching the bullies and went as far as parents where brought in and when that didn't work the school went to the extreme of removing the bully from school for a couple days (I'm not in favor of this action) and when she came back she was basically shadowed by a teachers aid for about 2 months. Since she was never allowed to be alone she finally started to shape up. That was three years ago and this little girl doesn't bully like she used to but she still have lots of problems. I feel that if I wouldn't have been addament about the bullying nothing would have been done. Also I believe that the bully goes to the cousilor(sp) almost daily to help with her anger. Maybe you could try some of these things. Also with the soccer I think that you can request a different team to be on since all that is going on. I know that my kids do soccer and there is no issue with bullying or anything like that because the coaches don't put up with it. You could always go to the soccer association and see if they could help too. Hope this helps.

Hi T.,

I think everyone has given such awesome advice. First off hugs to you and your little boy.

You are such a good mom and you continue to hang in there for him and be his safe place. He's going to get more scared and possibly withdrawn as it comes closer to soccer season. It's probably a good idea that he faces them in this situation. If he goes to another team or decides not to play it will teach him to run away from his problems. It would be nice to protect our children from every hurt and drama and keep them in a little bubble forever but we can't. Odds are he will grow up knowing these boys - if he runs away that will train these boys to keep doing what they are doing. I think it will eventually phase out and probably find someone new (which is sad for the next little boy).

This will prepare him for the adult world. Bully's are everywhere. I've seen it at my workplace. People are intimidated and or shunned because of something stupid. Odds are their kids are bully's in school - perhaps the ones bothering your son. You just never know.

But hang in there, and be his rock. Let us know how it goes.

Ann,

Dear T.,

So sorry to hear that your child is the victim of bullying. I dealt with that ALL THE WAY THROUGH SCHOOL. My best advice for you is to play on the offense... don't let the other "team" get you on the defensive (if they do, play smart and recover the ball). Your son needs to know that violence against violence is not always the answer... he needs to be smart about self-defense, because as you have seen, he can be made out to be the bad guy, even if he wasn't the one to start the problem.

Going to the coach right of the bat was a wonderful move. Though name-dropping may not be important right now... you need to make sure the coach is responding to your concern NOW. Speak with him/her directly and make sure he knows you won't tolorate any problems while your child is in his care.

I ended up having to go to the authorities to have a protection order drawn up (this wasn't until high school). I caught a lot of grief for doing this (people called me names and laughed at me), but at least I was safe from the bullies in school. Watch this problem... if it continues to get worse in coming years, you may need to consider changing schools, or even pulling him out and home-schooling or private-schooling him. His safety is your number one concern!

Go directly to the principle of the school... the guidance counselor, the teacher(s), the superintendent if you have to. Make sure that the adults know that you won't stand for it. (My parents pretty much made me fend for myself... and while that's good for some reasons, they could have helped me avoid the depression and daily trauma, had they stepped up to the plate to help me out every now and then.)

Lastly, if your son begins to fall into a depression because of the bullying, get him some counseling and put him on an antidepressant (IF it gets to this point... don't let it go this far - but if it does... he'll need the extra help).

God bless!

T.,
I personally have been a coach of youth sports (cheerleading for my daughter), and I can tell you that if you have a coach that is worth any amount he/she will not allow the bullying to happen at practice or at any games. Anytime one of my cheerleaders (and girls can be ROUGH) wanted to pick on another little girl, well, they were running laps or doing some sort of conditioning, it would stop pretty quick. I also think that if you switch teams then that could make things even harder for your son because he still has to go to school with these boys. He has got to learn how to stick up for himself and not "run away" from them or it will never end. I say this because for me in school there were some times that were tough. I have a misfigured mouth due to an accident I was in when I was two years old so there were times that the teasing could get a little rough. But I never let the other kids "get the best of me" because even though it would crush me with some of the things they would say, I pretended that it didn't bother me (obviously this was after my parents taught me about this concept) or I would just look at them like they were crazy and would say stuff like "I feel sorry for you, because you have to be mean to people to feel good about yourself". Again, this was something that my mom told me to say, I certainly didn't come up with it myself. And as crazy as it sounds, it worked! Once the "bullies" figured out that they couldn't "bring me down", they stopped. There was only one time that my aunt (who was a teacher in my school district) got involved with a situation and it made it soooo much worse, so now that I am a mom myself I really try to stay out of it as much as I can (unless of course there is physical harm - which fortunantly I have not had to deal with, with any of my 3 kids) and teach the same things to my kids that my parents taught me. Just continue to love your son as much as you obviously do and remind him that for the kids out there who have to be mean to make themselves feel good, they usually don't feel very good about themselves and we should be as nice as we possibly can be to them. And when that doesn't work, just walk away and ignored them.

The thing about bullies is that they are the "popular" kids just because people don't want to be on their bad side, so it works well for them. My son was the smallest in the class and seemed to be a target for the biggest boy in the class. I finally told him he had to stand up to him, the reason he is picked on is cuz the bigger boy is a coward (that is why he chooses the smallest boy). He finally stood up to him, I got a phone call from the boys mother, we talked it through and the boys became good friends. Not all bullies are that easy. Some are bullied at home so they live what they learn. This sounds like what is happening in your case. Talk with the coach, ask him to keep an eye on the situation. Don't think twice naming names. Most bullies don't do it in the open, so he needs to know who to keep an eye on. Have your husband or you volunteer to help out on the team so you are there for practices and games. Practice at home with other boys, making friends with the other teammates, this way there is a safety in numbers for your son and he gets some good friends. With my son, he proved himself on the wrestling mat and wasn't ever picked on again. Also I put my son in Karate and that helped his self esteem and taught him some good self defence moves. I don't think he ever had to put them to the test though. Good luck and watch for remarks from your son like "I hate my life" and negitive things like that. Get him counciling if he starts with that. Life is short for most of us, but those years in elementry school are forever for those who are bullied.

How did your son defend himself? I am against violence but my son is 5 1/2 years and his dad and him wrestle all the time, have been since he was probably one. I think my husband gets beat up worse then my son. But anyways, my kids have always been taught to be a leader not a follower, and if anyone would ever start something with them and they can not ignor it or get an adult, they might have to defend themselves. My husband stresses that this is the last option but to punch them square in the nose. I am not trying to promote this but I would rather see my kids stick up for themselves then to be jumped and take it, and end up being seriously hurt. My son is in kindergarden this year. The second week of school, my son was getting picked on by a 4th grader on the way to school on the bus. He ignored it, and when he got off the bus, the older boy pushed him, his bag when flying, my son turned around and punched him right in the nose, and that was the end of that.. He is a really good kid. He is nice to others, plays with people who are nice to him. But he will not put up with people who are mean to him.
Since there is a few different boys that are all picking on him at once, its a little different. Is there anyway to get him on a different team, or is a school thing? I would hate for your son to miss out. If you can not change teams, I would just really watch what happens every practice and every game. If it is getting bad, and the coach can't get it under control, then you might just have to pull him. I hope that it all works out. Good luck

Hi T.. I don't know if this is an option for you, but I have enrolled my daughter in Tae Kwon Do lessons. Not only does she have many friends in her class (it is like a big family and it is nice that the older kids treat the younger ones respectfully and like they belong), so she feels as though she has good friends- but it also teaches morals, respect, and self defense. They are very big on respect and teaching when to use your tae kwon do and self defense. I just think that if being bullied progresses, it would not only give him a way to defend himself without actually hurting anyone, it would also give him a sense of belonging to a group of friends. Then even if the boys at school give him a hard time, he will know that there are still friends who care and respect him. Just a thought! It has done wonders for my daughter and behavior, also. Good luck with solving this problem....It's too bad people can't just all get along.

Dear T.,
I am author of the book School Mobbing and Emotional Abuse: See It - Stop It - Prevent It with Dignity and Respect. The reply with the suggestions by Nicole was a good one. It is important that you let your son know that you are there for him. I'm also pretty certain that he is not the only person that has been targeted by this group. What really jumped out at me was your statement that your son finally defended himself and got in trouble. That in itself indicates that the school isn't paying attention, which means that you have to keep at them about handling situations like this. There is a lot of information on my website that you can share with your school.
http://www.innovations-training.com/schoolprograms.html

Try the counselor and also the principal. Sometimes the school thinks they have handled the situation - they need feedback if it doesn't stop. With regard to the soccer team, if you wrote to the coach, follow up with a phone call. If your son has other friends on the team that he wants to be with that is one thing, but if not, getting moved to another team before everything gets going would be a reasonable idea. Yes, he is is going to meet people like this and he should have some strategies for dealing with them but he also has to know that he has the option to get away from that type of behavior without having to give up things that he wants to do as well. If you'd like to email me we can talk some more about this and keep us posted. I know how distressing this situation can be and how helpless parents can feel, but you can take action on your son's behalf and also help him grow through this experience.
Blessings,
G. Pursell Elliott

talk to thier parents ! and see what can be done about it .

C. N

My daughter is obsessed with soccer too and has had bad coachs where they treated my daughter funny becuase of her size she's short and not her ability and have demanded we get put on a new team. They have been very good at accomodating to our needs. We play for Burnsville Fire Soccer...We just started soccer this week and it's still ok to move teams etc..

That or go to every practice and watch those kids like a hawk. Anything funny happens be obnoxious and stand up and say something to make the kids feel like idiots like point out their behavior.

Or if there is a chance your son will better than them let him stay on the team and show them up.

T., I would contact the City soccer coordinator and get him on another team.

I have and would contact the principle and the teachers, let them know your version and seek their advice...and keep in mind, that your son is learning to not be a victim and he is playing his part in this.

I got my son into martial arts which taught him to defend and respect himself.

This is his initiation, and with your support, the teachers and principle...this will turn out to be a wonderful experience for all!

Take Care

The definition of bullying is when someone is picked on more than once and can't stop it from happening. Your son needs you or someone else to stop the bullying from happening. I think giving the coach a heads-up was very wise. I do not think your son should switch teams -- that is punishing the victim - he will get the idea that he is at fault and he clearly isn't...if they weren't picking on him, it would be someone else. If something happens, even once, I would insist that the bullies be off the team. You are your son's best advocate!

Are you able to put him on another team other than this one?
This is very irritating when this kind of stuff happens to children.
Best of Luck to you and your son.
S.

1.) I don't think your son should have to handle this situation - no one should be subject to bullying.
2.) I don't think your son should have to give up his dream of playing soccer because of these ignorant boys.
3.) I don't think these boys should be allowed to ruin any other kid's experience of playing soccer either. I doubt your son is the only one they will pick on.

Talk to the coach; find out if he or she is the type to allow bullying. If so, try to find another team or even league for your son. If the coach doesn't like it either, he or she is in a great position to teach these kids better - the coach has the power of dispensing playing-time and bench-time. The coach may need help, though; can you be an assistant coach and help teach all the kids the ethics of fair play? No need to bring special attention to your son at all, just demand that all kids on the team and even all opponents be treated with respect. There is a lot of power in simply being the person doing the right thing that I wish more people were aware of.

adding: I really have to say I disagree with the common attitude that parents need to "stay out of it." If every other parent was doing their job and every kid knew what was right or wrong, that would be fine. The problem is, no one is teaching the bullies that WHAT THEY ARE DOING IS WRONG. It's a hard lesson to learn, but people seem to want OTHER CHILDREN to be the ones teaching it?!? Come on! The kids' job is to learn, teaching is the job of adults.

I would see if there is any way to switch teams. It isnt fair to your son to have to deal with that. I am sorry this is happening!
S.

Hi T.,

This is such a hard thing for kids to go through at such a young age. My suggestion is to make this a learning experience for your son. Let him know that there are going to be many situations in life where he has to work with people he does not necessarily like. Talk to him about keeping a positive attitude and cheering on all his team mates. And then make sure you are at all the practices and games to keep an eye on what is going on. Having all the boys together in an environment where they are more closely supervised and hopefully unable to pick on your son may be a turning point. Best of luck to you and your son. I know how hard it is for you to see your son go through this.

K.